Chapter 8
Tahjae Williams
"Ok Miss Williams go on..." My therapist started as I grew uncomfortable.
This shit was insane as hell. She knew everything, from E going ghost, to my miscarriage, to my insomnia and worst my anxiety.
This helped somewhat but having to explain to her that E was back in my life was worst, for the past five months through everything I shared with Dr. Reyes I've never said or did something for her to have gotten startled, well that was until today.
After explaining everything that had happened she'd looked at me in disbelief to where she'd asked me to repeat myself.
It really was no better cause then I was starting to think that maybe, just maybe I was the crazy one.
She assured me that I wasn't though.
"What are your thoughts towards yourself." She asked giving me her undivided attention.
"Well if I'm being honest with you, I haven't felt anything negative towards myself." I spoke truthfully.
"I'm not in the best headspace but I'm definitely okay with where I am as of how far I've came." I spoke as she nodded.
"I had to learn how to take it easy on me. I had to learn that this wasn't all my fault. I had to learn that things change, people change and life goes on-" I paused.
"I had to learn to love me, genuinely at that." I said dropping my head and looking at my nails.
"Do you feel like you alone are capable of giving your self this love?" She asked as I shrugged.
"It doesn't really matter."
That was the truth, I know I was loved by those that surrounded me, I knew that I was cared for and I knew that they were concerned for me, the thing is that people can show you all of this and you could still not feel it.
I couldn't blame them for what I was truly feeling, cause I honestly figured that this was strictly something that had to do with me internally.
I vowed to work on myself and my trauma.
"All I know is that I want to give myself the absolute best that I can, cause after all this-" I motion my index finger around.
"I deserve it. Further more I owe it to myself." I spoke as she nodded with a short smile.
"I'm glad that you're finally realizing that Tahjae. You're deserving no matter what."
"The trauma you'd sustain from after all of this would definitely break many."
"You are one of the strong ones Tahjae. I say this to say, this wouldn't be something that you're going to just overcome within a short amount of time..."
"You will dwell on it, you will question yourself, you will have doubt, and that is okay. It is though- time for you to now take control of this fight. You have to take this into your own hands and decide on how you're going to move in terms of you putting this behind you."
Her words were whatever at this point, I get that she meant the best, the truth even, but I didn't feel very deserving of it.
I hated being called strong, cause I definitely didn't feel like it. E flying up in my face that night at the club really did a number on me. I really was scared of that man at this point, he broke me. Literally.
Between him and my father I was left so hurt, I understood my abandonment issues I dealt with that, I overcame that— at least I thought that I did. I was on the road to being done with this, I had learned to accept and deal with whatever trauma I had in my past. However I wasn't taught on what to did if it came back.
I felt that on the whole 'men aspect' I was let down, thats why I was so grateful for Mecca on many occasions. He'd never hurt and always was there for me, that was different.
After clearing up our sessions, I looked at my watch seeing that it was a bit after one, which meant that I still had to time to take some walk-ins.
Making my over there, I had stopped for some dunkin' on my way.
Getting to work I walked in and to my surprise it wasn't really as busy as I thought it would be, but it was through the week so...
"We just had lunch girlie."Drea spoke as she looked towards me as I walked towards my booth.
"Who said this was a we thing, suppose I was just treating myself." I said making a valid point as she held her mouth slightly ajar.
"You know what..." she trailed off causing me to laugh.
"Where's Remi?" I asked noticing that her station was empty as if it hadn't been in touched all day.
"Consultation." She said as I squinted my eyes and realization had it.
"She's going through with it?" I asked Drea as she shrugged.
"Sounds like."
Remi was on and on about this stomach lipo forever. I'm really glad that she was doing something that made her happy, it had been long overdue and it was definitely something that she been wanting forever. She really tried to stay away from it due to that fact that she seen where it became an addiction to some.
Working in this salon, all I ever seen were some of the most exaggerated shapes walk on up in here. I just hoped that my girl was doing something that she wanted and whatever gave her that extra boost.
"She got me second guessing myself, especially with this wedding coming up."
And there she went, after Mekhi, Drea did undergo surgery. She did look good, it's just that I knew it had a tendency to eventually become an addiction.
I'll never knock it, I thought of it myself, after kids of course if I wasn't pleased with the snap back.
"Girl you look good, the last thing you need is another appointment for the table." I said as she laughed.
"I'm just playin', after our daughter imma go, and that'll be my last time." She said speaking into existence.
My natural body was already crazy, although I did consider breast implants at one point, but I hated the fake look.
"So how you been bookie?" She asked as I shrugged taking a bite out my donut.
"It's whatever really. I'm not dwelling on nothing I don't need to be." I stated simply.
It was the truth, I was dealing with what I was dealing with but I was still okay.
"And how'd your session go..." she trailed of as I did a light shrug.
"It's was ok..."
"How you been feeling lately?" She asked as I watched her client pay and walk over to the receptionist desk.
"I mean I've been good, I don't wanna complain or anything, but I guess I'm better." I told her truthfully.
I knew this wasn't something that was just gonna vanish over night, although I wish it did. In this time right now, I was learning and I was healing.
"That's all that matters."
I guess she could tell it was something that I didn't wanna talk about. I never wanted to seem like the type to push the ones who were concerned about me away, but at the same time I hated certain topics, especially this one.
I wasn't a big fan on being pitied at all.
"Yea,"
"You talked to Mecca as yet?" She asked as I took out my phone seeing that my email was flooded with messages from my booking app.
"Not recently, no." I replied as she smiled hard.
"Well I need you to..."
"For what?—"
"You're a real set up Drea, I'm not doing anything or asking for nothing." I said standing my ground.
"Tahjae pleeasase..." She pleaded, I took a sip of my drink.
"What is it that you want anyway,"
I truly was confused, he gave her everything. So for her to ask me to intervene he probably already told her no. Drea was spoiled— yes. But she also sometimes took advantage of the situation.
However she couldn't be the blame, Mecca got her accustomed to a certain lifestyle and now this is the upkeep of it all.
"I'm tryna convince him that our gifts should be matching Royce's." She expressed as I felt my face instantly shift.
"And the problem with that is?" I asked knowing that money wasn't something that moved Mecca.
"I just got a Urus for my birthday sis, keep up." She stressed causing me to roll my eyes.
"Then it shouldn't matter what your gift is, I know how Mecca is and he's gonna come through big regardless." I shrugged.
"Yea, I'on know imma probably just get it with my money or try to guilt trip him." She said slickly and I shook my head.
This was their normal.
I drove a amg gle coupe, I had no place to intervene.
My phone rang this time causing me to sigh as I picked it up. Looking at the I.D I saw that it was Asia.
"Hey"
"Where you at?" She said ignoring my greeting.
"Um, work." I spoke in a duh tone.
"Don't tell nobody you heard it from me, but I think dads getting out..." The phone went quiet for a minute as I tried to process what was being said to me. I lightly bit my tongue as certain thoughts had flooded my mind.
It's been about 14 years now and as far as I was concerned he had at-least two more to go. I guess he'd gotten time off.
Regardless, I was confused.
"Tahjae you there?"
"Yea, I'm still here..." I said trying to keep my composure.
"How do you know?" I asked trying to make sure that she knew exactly what it was that she was on about.
Asia tend to know tea, and she also tended to not pass the tea along right. However it was never far from the truth.
"Well mama been making non-stop bank trips, she flys out to Detroit on Saturday. Plus the lawyer that got him his sentence had left her a letter in the mail stating that, 'he was able to get him reduced time.'" She quoted.
"Ok..." I dragged.
It was making sense but still it wasn't.
She would never want him.
My father busted my mamas ass day in and night out. Which made me confused on why she was so good on keeping up with him, I knew he was her husband but still, he was shit.
Mind you he made sure his house was straight but I still watched my mother suffer from his hands every other day.
He never hit her in the front of us, but the way her lips were busted and swoll along with the knots that line off on her head was clearly not on accident.
Also mother didn't work. Mecca took care of her along with Asia and I, which meant that this was where the majority of her funds were going.
"Asia imma call you back." I spoke to her hanging up.
"Everything ok?" Drea asked taking off her cloak.
"Yea." I lied.
What was she going to Detroit for and where in the hell does she think she's bringing him at.