Like most visits, it was almost silent. There was not much to talk about when he visited, he would just talk about his day, which usually did not change much, they had a very strict self-imposed schedule and it would eventually trail off. The whole duration of the visit he would cling to his brother's hand, as tight as he could without being scared of hurting the fragile man, the only noise filling the bleak room was the soft beeping of the heart rate monitor that was always in the room, a constant reminder that despite how he looked, he was still alive, his heart was still beating steadily. He did not exactly hate the silence, it was alot better than when the younger man would briefly wake up only to sob and scream until his lungs were weak before going back into his comatose state. The false hope it gave them was too much to handle most days, seeing his eyes open only to be immediately filled with tears broke their heart, the fear on their little brother's face came back to them in nightmares.
They smiled softly at their younger brother, the small smile on the man's face betraying the complicated emotions they felt every time they saw their brother, "I will see you tomorrow, rest well." They were not entirely sure why they put so much effort to act composed in front of him, it is not like he saw it, and even if he could he would not blame his brother for what they were feeling, but something about being sad in front of him made them feel uneasy, they would never want to see him sad, so they assumed it would also be the other way. That did not stop the tears from forcing their way out of his eyes the second he got to his apartment, every day his younger brother did not wake up is a day he ended by crying himself into unconsciousness, their apartment being the one place they felt they could release the emotions trapped inside their brain and heart.
"Oi, MERUMERU, stop spacin' out, it's your turn." HiMERU could vaguely recall that they were playing Go Fish, a game they were luckily familiar with because they absolutely did not listen when Rinne was very badly explaining the rules, he had no idea about the reasoning behind playing this game, he was merely dragged into it because Rinne thought it would be more fun with four players instead of three, Kohaku never even agreed to playing, but Rinne never asked for his permission for any games they played, so he just accepted his fate. It is not like the reasoning mattered anyway, Rinne's games always ended up having stupid motivations that had nothing to do with HiMERU at all, usually some dumb argument or bet that he was doing with Niki, who like the other members of Crazy:B had no say in anything when it came to Rinne and his deck of cards. HiMERU already had a set of three kings layed out on the table, and they had the three, four and five of clovers in their hand, this could quite possibly be the last turn he had to entertain this waste of time. Luckily, Niki had an awful poker face.
"Shiina, do you have a King?" Niki looked offended for a second, seemingly needing that card for his own victory, before begrudgingly passing over the King of Diamonds, HiMERU discarded the card in his hand that served no use, and placed his row of clovers onto the table, slotting the last King with his other three. "HiMERU has won. HiMERU does not know what bet Amagi and Shiina are partaking in, but he wants to get to practice, so get it over with." Rinne smirked, not a good sign, not a good sign at all. "Oh, ya wanna know about our bet?" HiMERU sighed, they absolutely did not care a single bit about whatever the two idols were betting on, but the 'older' man was very persistant (and annoying), so HiMERU had little choice but to humour Rinne, so he gestured to the red-haired idol to continue.
After Rinne's lengthy explanation about the random crap that he had decided was important enough to bet actual money on, the majority of HiMERU's braincells had evacuated his head, associating with people like Amagi Rinne was truly detrimental to his IQ. Kohaku, being the only Crazy:B member besides HiMERU himself that had common sense, said exactly what HiMERU was thinking, "Rinne-han, Niki-han, grow up." It was quite concerning just how much more mature Kohaku, a fifteen year old boy was than two grown adults, if either man could be considered an adult. "At least I can reach the top shelf of the fridge, ya need to literally grow up Kohaku-chan." Ah, Rinne could always be trusted to show how absolutely mature he was, which was of course, not at all. "Whatever, I'm going ta practice, feel free ta join me once ya stop actin' like four year olds."
HiMERU decided that he also didn't have the time or energy to be dealing with the two manchildren, mostly Rinne, Niki was most likely also dragged into this against his will, so he opted for simply leaving to Crazy:B's practice room. "Hey! HiMERU-kun, don't leave me alone with him!" ... HiMERU would just pretend he was already out of hearing range.
HiMERU and Kohaku had already gotten through all their pre-practice stretches, and it appeared the other two still had not finished their game, not surprising, Rinne and Niki could make any game last way longer than it should, Go Fish should reasonably only last a few minutes after getting to the last two players, but HiMERU had no doubt they could make it last an hour if Rinne really wanted to. HiMERU could hear his phone ringing from his bag, they assumed it must be either Niki or Rinne calling them, most likely Niki, Rinne would never care that much for apologising for running late. HiMERU fished his phone from his bag, okay, it was definitely not Niki. They accepted the call, pressing the phone to their ear. "I understand, I'll be right there." The call lasted only a couple of seconds, a couple of seconds was all it took for HiMERU's almost permanent neutral expression to falter. Kohaku raised his eyebrow at hearing HiMERU refer to himself in the first person, he opened his mouth to begin to ask what had happened, but HiMERU interrupted him before he could speak, "HiMERU apologises, but there is somewhere he needs to be, tell Amagi that HiMERU will not be showing up for practice if he bothers to show up himself." Kohaku decided not to question it and simply nodded, it seemed personal, and Kohaku wasn't one to pry, and even if he was, HiMERU was pretty against speaking about himself, so it wouldn't lead to anything. "Thank you Oukawa, HiMERU hopes the others show up so you do not need to practice alone."
HiMERU practically ran out of the practice room, before quickly slowing down, how was he even going to get there? Usually they got the bus, but HiMERU knew the bus timetable off by heart, and there was definitely not a bus coming to ES soon enough. They could get a taxi, but HiMERU knew from experience that taxis took a while to come to ES, the last time they called a taxi they arrived after visiting time ended, so they did not want to risk that again. The most quick and realistic solution would cost HiMERU his pride, but that was just going to have to be a sacrifice, a sacrifice he would not really like to make, but some things are more important than his internal hatred for the only person he knew personally that could drive.
Luckily the ALKALOID practice room was only a short walk from the Crazy:B one, HiMERU immediately started pounding on the door, a little harder than they probably should've, he knew for a fact that there was a very jumpy man in ALKALOID, but whatever, at least someone had come to open the door relatively quickly. "H-HiMERU-senpai? Why are you here?" HiMERU was hoping that Tatsumi would have answered and saved them some time, but Aira had cut straight to the point, so he supposed it wasn't the worst thing ever, he shuddered to think how much of a waste of time it would be if Rinne's younger brother had answered the door. "HiMERU needs Tatsumi, it is important." Aira quickly nodded, going back into the practice room to retrieve the man in question. "Ah, HiMERU-san, what do you need from me?" Tatsumi likely had not believed Aira when he said that HiMERU was asking for him, because he looked quite surprised when HiMERU was actually there at the door.
"HiMERU wishes he didn't have to ask this of you, but could you drive him to the hospital please? HiMERU can make his own way back, but he needs someone to drive him there." HiMERU was aware of just how awful Tatsumi was at driving, but he was running out of time, and Tatsumi was as fast at driving as he was reckless. "Oh, are you okay HiMERU-san?" HiMERU was not about to tell Tatsumi the reasoning behind them going to the hospital, but they also did not want Tatsumi to assume HiMERU was going for themselves, he was 99% certain that Tatsumi would offer to go in with him if he thought that. "HiMERU is not going for himself, he is fine." Tatsumi nodded, he was not going to push HiMERU to talk, but he could not deny he was curious. "I'll go get my car keys and inform the rest of ALKALOID that I'll be missing practice."
Tatsumi was only gone for about thirty seconds, but it was long enough for HiMERU to feel restless, he did not want to waste any time, it was time they did not have. As soon as Tatsumi left the practice room HiMERU began power walking down the corridor towards the exit of the ES building, Tatsumi got the message and also started walking quickly, he definitely did not know HiMERU's circumstances, but he could tell that it was something serious, he usually only ever associated with Tatsumi when it was absolutely necessary, which made Tatsumi sad, he missed when they were friends, but it also made him understand the urgency of the situation, despite having no idea what said situation was.
"Would you like to talk about it HiMERU-san?" It had been silent through the whole car journey, and while HiMERU could handle the silence, Tatsumi unfortunately did not have that talent, much to HiMERU's annoyance. "Even if HiMERU did want to talk, he cannot. ...Regardless, he doesn't want to talk about it to Tatsumi." HiMERU didn't care for talking to Tatsumi, he would rather sit in silence for the short car journey than talk to the man, his awful loud thoughts were more pleasant than the false Saint's disgusting voice.
They got to the hospital with minimal damage to private property, keyword being minimal, HiMERU had no idea how Tatsumi still owned a licence, nobody knew, "I will wait for you in the car HiMERU-san." HiMERU opened his mouth, wanting to politely decline his offer, but he really did not have the time to be standing there, so he just nodded and ran towards the hospital building.
As soon as HiMERU entered the hospital, he was met with Kaname's main doctor, who upon seeing HiMERU's distraught expression smiled painfully, but reassuringly, "Don't worry Tojo-san, you are not too late." HiMERU nodded, not wanting to risk words when they were quite sure that they wouldn't be able to keep it together if they spoke. HiMERU knew his way around the building off by heart, not that this knowledge would be useful for long.
This was going to be his last visit after all.
HiMERU opened a familiar door, his younger brother had been in the hospital for so long that the pen saying Kaname's name on the door's nameplate had began to fade slightly. HiMERU sat down on the chair next to Kaname's bed, their hand found Kaname's, squeezing it gently. HiMERU looked up, a pair of yellow eyes meeting his own, "Onii-chan..?" Kaname smiled weakly, he looked to be in so much pain, but he could see relief in his expression, relief that he could see his brother one more time, that he did not leave him once he stopped being useful, not that HiMERU ever cared whether he was useful to him or not, nothing could make him abandon his little brother. Kaname's expression grew shakier, tears pooling in his eyes, but the smile never left, "O-Onii-chan, thank you for e-everything, I love you." HiMERU draped themselves over Kaname, pulling him into a loose hug, wordlessly telling his brother that he loves him too, as he let out a choked sob into his hospital gown, he was usually so good at controlling his emotions but the realisation that this would be the last time he would ever be able to see Kaname was too much. They could feel two weak arms gripping onto them, desperately hugging him back, he held no real strength, but his nails dug into the back of his brother's shirt. Kaname began crying harder, his sobs sounding more like screams of agony at this point, despite not actually being loud, the sobs sounded deafening so close to HiMERU's ears, "Onii-chan, it hurts, I don't want to leave you, not yet."
HiMERU could only hug him tighter, whispering about how much he loved his little brother inbetween sobs as he slowly felt Kaname's grip get weaker, he tightened his grip as Kaname loosened, as if he was trying to desperately hold onto his brother as he was slowly but surely leaving him, the beeps from the heart monitor grew farther and farther apart, HiMERU's breath hitching as he silently begged to hear the next one. "Goodbye Kaname, I will miss you... so much." They could not bear for their little brother to leave without saying goodbye to him first, even if it hurt to admit they would never see him again.
The nurses ended up having to escort HiMERU out of the room, as soon as the heart monitor went silent, the cries turned to screams as HiMERU let out every single ounce of his pain at once. He was allowed to stay with Kaname for a while after, the nurses taking pity on the grieving man, but of course they could not stay forever and they were eventually dragged out of the room, leaving Kaname's cold body in the hospital all alone.
As HiMERU went back to Tatsumi's car, he was well aware of how much of a mess he likely looked, two hours of sobbing hard enough to almost throw up is not exactly a pretty look, but he couldn't quite bring himself to care. HiMERU put on the most neutral expression they could muster, opening the door of the passenger side and sitting down in the seat. "HiMERU apologises for taking so long." Tatsumi did not look like he cared about HiMERU taking a while, instead a look of pure concern made its way onto his face, not surprising considering the state of the man, his face was damp with tears and his eyes were raw and red. "HiMERU-san, I want to know why you're so upset, but I know you won't tell me if I ask."
Seeing Tatsumi's pained expression made HiMERU want to cry again, the green haired man was so close with Kaname when he was awake, but he didn't get to see him before he died, he would feel immense pity if the man was anyone other than Kazehaya Tatsumi, but somehow the satisfaction he had convinced himself he would feel if the man he had hated so much got what he deserved never came. Tatsumi had no idea that Kaname was even dead, he had no idea he had been so close to death in the first place, he had no idea why HiMERU was upset, but he still somehow held enough compassion to look genuinely hurt when HiMERU had come into the car looking more crushed than he ever had before. "I want to tell you, but I can't." Tatsumi definitely noticed the switch from third to first person, but didn't comment on it, it was the least important thing at that moment. Tatsumi reached over, gently pulling HiMERU into a hug, gentle enough that HiMERU could easily break away even in this weak state, "You don't have to tell me anything HiMERU-san, but if you do want to talk, it will stay between you, me and God."
HiMERU usually would have pushed Tatsumi away, but they were too upset to think of anything other than how warm and comforting Tatsumi's arms felt around them. He wrapped his own arms around Tatsumi, practically digging his nails into the other idol's back as he whimpered into his shoulder, chasing that sense of comfort like his life depended on it, ignoring the rational part of his brain that deemed Tatsumi to be the enemy.
"Do not tell a soul about this." HiMERU managed to hiss out once his head had cleared enough to realise that he was hugging Kazehaya Tatsumi, the man he swore to himself he hated. He didn't want to pull away just yet, so they allowed themselves to be comforted by Tatsumi, who would occasionally run his fingers through HiMERU's hair, an act that they would usually find disgusting coming from such a filthy man, but couldn't find themselves hating when it felt so comforting.
"HiMERU is fine now, you can stop touching him." HiMERU pulled away from the hug, wiping his eyes on the back of his sleeve, and yawning quietly, jeez, all that crying took alot out of them. "Should we get something to eat before going back?" HiMERU nodded, it was late, and neither of them had had tea yet. He would have to apologise to Tatsumi properly later, for taking up so much of his time and getting his practice outfit soaked with tears. "HiMERU does not care what food we get."
By the time they had gotten back to the dorms, HiMERU was feeling better, he still felt like his heart had been beaten to a pulp, but they were not crying, so they considered that improvement. HiMERU was strong, they always had been, but now, they just felt weak, like any reminder of his brother would make him double over in pain. Tatsumi had offered to let him stay in his dorm for that night, but HiMERU quickly and politely shut him down, as much as present HiMERU appreciated the sentiment and comfort, future HiMERU would never live it down. It dawned on HiMERU that he should have just gone back to his apartment, but he did not think of that at the time, and they were not about to go and ask Tatsumi to drive them again, they already owed him so much for driving them to the hospital and back.
HiMERU hoped his roommates would be away at least, but upon opening the door that did not appear to be the case, unfortunately both of them were very much there. Arashi was sitting with Tetora on her bed, it seemed she was practicing nail designs using Tetora's hands. They both turned their heads towards the door as HiMERU opened it, looking surprised that HiMERU was there, likely assuming that their roommate had gone to their apartment for the night, "Oh, HiMERU-chan, dear, you look awful." Tetora nodded in agreement, not surprising HiMERU truly did look like a mess, "Yeah, are you alright?" HiMERU sighed, sitting onto his bed, he knew from experience that playing dumb when Narukami Arashi was involved was useless. "HiMERU is not alright, but he would rather not talk about it." Arashi could be very pushy, but thankfully it seemed as if she wasn't going to pry. "We'll be quiet HiMERU-chan, so get some sleep okay? We wouldn't want dark circles to ruin your beautiful face." HiMERU smiled softly, "Thank you Narukami-san, HiMERU will be going to sleep now, goodnight."
Sleep came easily, he was so mentally exhausted that his brain was begging for a rest. They were glad, being awake did not seem very appealing when all his thoughts were plagued by memories of how he was not able to save Kaname. It seemed those thoughts seeped into his dreams however, and the blue-haired idol cursed himself for ever feeling relief. It was a simple nightmare, he'd had many similar to this one, but this one hurt so much more after what had happened that day. Everything was black, HiMERU could feel someone pressed up to their back, said person's cold breath against their ear. The person behind him put a hand around HiMERU's throat, choking him gently, slowly applying more pressure till it became unbearable, the other hand made its way to HiMERU's other ear, covering it so he would be forced to listen to the person's whispers. "O-Onii-chan, why didn't you save me? I thought you loved me, you promised me that you loved me. Was that another lie?" HiMERU felt tears drip onto his shoulder, each one burning like acid, "Onii-chan, I'm scared, why would you let me die like that?" The hand around their throat tightened again, he could faintly hear Kaname's last words replay frantically in his brain as the person behind them drowned the sweet real voice of Kaname out with a twisted parody of his little brother's voice, "Please, please love me, I have no one else. I need someone to love me but everyone leaves." The person behind him became more aggressive, he felt nails dig in to the flesh of his neck, the hand on his ear pulling him closer to whisper even deeper into his ear, the voice he heard was frantic and desperate, "Onii-chan, please, don't leave me. I'll be better, I promise, so don't leave me!" HiMERU twisted their neck to look behind them, it was Kaname, like they had thought, his eyes were red from tears, but the rest of him looked dead, pale skin, lifeless stare, Kaname looked peaceful in his real death, but this Kaname looked as though his last moments were full of suffering. HiMERU knew this was not real but that did not stop him from feeling sick at the very thought of saying something that might hurt his younger brother. "I would never leave you Kaname, I am truly sorry I was unable to save you." HiMERU was not even sure if their words were heard, talking while your windpipe is seconds away from being crushed is hard, the words strained and choked. HiMERU's consciousness started to fade before he could get a reply.
HiMERU woke up to one of his roommates shaking him, they blinked few times, their eyes clearing enough to recognise the person as Arashi. "HiMERU-chan, are you okay, you were screaming in your sleep. Goodness knows how Tetora-kun managed to sleep through it." HiMERU's eyes widened, he had not meant to let his persona slip so many times in one day, everyone knew HiMERU as this cool, calm, and perfect idol, but that was quickly chipping away, exposing all their weaknesses. HiMERU hugged his legs, resting his head on his knees so that he would not have to meet Arashi's concerned eyes. "HiMERU doesn't know what to do anymore." Their voice came out in a choked whisper, "Everything HiMERU has worked for is dead, what's the point." HiMERU had never wanted to be that vulnerable with anyone, but they were feeling so weak, and Arashi's hand on their back felt so comforting that the words had spilled before they could stop them.
"HiMERU-chan, I'm not going to pretend that I know what's going on, but there's always a point, even when there doesn't feel like one. It doesn't have to be anything special you know, it can be something as simple as wanting to see the smiles on your friend's or family's face." HiMERU knew that Arashi was trying to comfort him, he knew that her words were kind, but the mention of family stung, and he started crying for the third time that day. Their eyes were beginning to hurt from the constant flood of tears forcing their way out, "Narukami-san, HiMERU can't stop thinking about him, I don't want to forget him, but I can't handle the thought of him being gone." Arashi recoiled at HiMERU's words, she truly had not meant to upset her roommate, with how he reacted and what he had said, she could only assume that a family member of theirs had died, and she felt like a massive jerk for bringing up family at a time like that. "Oh! I'm really really sorry, I wasn't thinking HiMERU-chan." Arashi continued to rub circles into HiMERU's back, trying to comfort them, especially since she felt partially responsible for their current state.
"Hghhhnn, what's all the noise about?" It appeared as though Tetora had finally woken up, somehow he had slept through HiMERU screaming in his sleep but him quietly sobbing into his own knees was apparently too loud? Tetora blinked rapidly, waking himself up enough to recognise the sounds as crying. "HiMERU-senpai?! Are you okay??" Tetora scrambled to sit by HiMERU's bed, looking up at the man with concerned eyes. HiMERU did not like all of the attention, they did not like crying in general, but other people looking at them while doing so was humiliating. "Leave HiMERU alone, he is not going to talk about it, he cannot." HiMERU must have been too delirious to realise that he had in fact pretty much told Arashi what was going on, but Arashi was not going to tell Tetora that, she had enough sense to know that HiMERU would not like that.
"You don't have to talk about anything! But I'm going to stay with you until you're at least better enough to not cry, a true man or hero would never leave someone while they were crying. Especially not one of his friends!" HiMERU had always felt uneasy when someone had called him their friend, HiMERU was always just a persona afterall, but it felt nice to hear that Tetora considered him a friend, maybe they would allow it just this once. "Thank you Nagumo, HiMERU appreciates it, but he would not want to encroach upon your sleep." HiMERU looked up, finally meeting the worried eyes of his roomates, the concerned look got worse upon seeing HiMERU's face, did they really look that bad? HiMERU wiped their eyes, a useless motion since they were still crying. "HiMERU is truly sorry for waking you two up, please go to sleep again, he will not disturb your sleep further." Arashi shook her head, placing one of her hands onto one of HiMERU's gently, she rubbed his knuckles with her thumb in a soothing motion. "Darling, it's not an inconvenience to us at all. Besides, I wouldn't be able to sleep well at all, I'd be too worried about you. You're my precious roomate, and I'd hate to see you upset, I'm sure Tetora-kun feels the same way." Tetora nodded eagerly, "So you can rely on us more, okay?" HiMERU leaned onto Arashi's shoulder, finally accepting her comfort, he was too tired and his roomates had already seen him crying, so he just let himself relax into the blonde's touch. "Don't tell anyone about this, HiMERU is perfect, HiMERU doesn't cry."
HiMERU felt their bed dip slightly when Tetora sat down next to them, the black-haired idol wrapped his arms around the crying man, giving them a loose side hug. "We wouldn't dream of telling someone! It's only fair since you never tell anyone about mine and Narukami-senpai's runway nights!" HiMERU chuckled through his tears, he could fondly recall the first time he walked in on Arashi and Tetora strutting around the dorm in dresses, Tetora had pretty much begged HiMERU not to tell anyone, and it was hard holding back laughing when a man is wearing the most fluffy dress with caked on makeup, tears in his eyes and frantically asking them to not tell a soul that he enjoys having pretend fashion shows with his roommate.
"Thank you, HiMERU is glad to have you as his roomates." He snaked one arm around Tetora, loosely hugging him back, the other arm made its way around Arashi's waist, also hugging her. "And we're glad to have you as a roomate HiMERU-chan, both me and my skin loves you. Seriously, your makeup and skincare recommendations are the best, my skin has never looked better." HiMERU had never loved their roommates more than in that moment, they were not making him feel like he needed to talk, they were just making him feel so much better after that horrendous dream. "That reminds HiMERU, he bought a new handcream the other day that he thinks you would like, would you like to borrow it?" HiMERU chuckled upon seeing Arashi light up immediately at the mention of skincare products, "Absolutely, you have literally never let me down, so I'll be looking forward to it!"
HiMERU was not sure when during the light-hearted conversation with his roommates he had fell asleep, but he woke up cuddled right next to them. They did not move immediately, trying to figure out the best way to move without waking either person up, but with the way both of them had their arms wrapped around him, he realised that it was going to be impossible. Maybe it would not hurt to stay in bed a little longer than usual, none of Crazy:B except HiMERU and occasionally Kohaku were ever on time for practice anyway, so no one really had the right to criticise them if they were the late one this time.
After around half an hour, Arashi woke up, yawning quietly, "Good morning HiMERU-chan, did you sleep well?" Her voice was slurred from her just having woken up, and her hair looked like a mess, Arashi usually shrieked if anyone saw her like this, so HiMERU felt quite honoured that she was allowing him to see her before she had even gotten up from bed and brushed her hair, though he supposed he probably looked worse, his hair did not exactly look perfect all the time. "HiMERU has never slept better." They smiled softly, they somehow felt so refreshed even after such little sleep, he attributed that to being with people he loved, people that he felt safe around, people that he did not realise he even had. "You look a lot better as well, I'm glad, being worried is not good for a lady's heart! Fufu, but seriously, I hope you feel better. It takes alot of time for it to start feeling okay again, so let Onee-chan look after you until it does." HiMERU nodded, they were not used to relying on others, but they supposed it could not hurt while in the comfort of their own dorm, "Don't worry, I won't tell anyone why you're upset, what happens or is discussed in the dorm stays in the dorm." HiMERU often did not trust people to take care of their secrets, but Arashi's tone of speaking and expression radiated such authenticity that HiMERU did not doubt for a second that the secret behind what had happened the previous night would be in safe hands.
HiMERU felt his other roommate start waking up, groaning as he opened his eyes, he looked confused for a second, before remembering what had happened last night. "Good morning!" His voice was somehow simultaneously both energetic and exhausted, "HiMERU-senpai's usually left by the time I wake up... Wanna have breakfast with us?" HiMERU pondered for a second, on one hand he would be late for practice, on the other, he did not truly care about being late for practice, it would serve the other Crazy:B members right for always making them wait. "HiMERU supposes he could, he cannot stay for long though unfortunately. He has places to be, hence why he wakes up so early." Tetora seemed to just be happy that HiMERU was even joining them, "That's okay, let's get ready then!"
"Hm? Are you not going to get anything to eat HiMERU-chan?" HiMERU had just ordered themselves a coffee, which Arashi had raised her eyebrow at. "Ah, HiMERU does not usually eat breakfast." Arashi shook her head, "Well, you definitely should! Skipping meals is no good you know!" Tetora seemed to agree, nodding his head in between bites of his food. "HiMERU is perfectly fine with skipping breakfast, he is not usually hungry in the morning, so coffee is enough for him to start the day. HiMERU has been doing this for years, do not worry about him." Arashi shrugged, "As long as you're eating enough, I suppose that's fine, If I find out you're not, I'll be very mad HiMERU-chan!" Arashi pouted, having a very obviously fake look of anger on her face. "Fufu, HiMERU assures you, he cares alot about health, it is very important and he would never let his own deteriorate." This seemed to appease the overprotective girl, who smiled and nodded before finally starting to eat her own food. "Ah, HiMERU should be going now, he will see you later." He put his now empty coffee cup down, waving to his two roommates as he left.
"MERUMERU, where the heck were you? I was gonna die of old age waitin' for ya." HiMERU closed the door behind him, placing his bag down with the other. "HiMERU was only ten minutes late, so it is a surprise that you are already here Amagi." Rinne had the audacity to look offended that HiMERU would suggest that he would ever be late, as if his track record did not speak for itself. "Oh yeah, where were ya yesterday? Kohaku-chan wouldn't tell me, and I'm ever so curious what could possibly be more important than our practice." Rinne batted his eyelashes, with an attempt at a pleading look, but since it was Rinne, HiMERU had no real temptation to tell him anything. "Oukawa could not have told you anything even if he wanted to because HiMERU did not tell him why he left." HiMERU sighed deeply, "HiMERU has no obligation to tell you anything Amagi, but it was very urgent."
HiMERU looked around the room, somehow only just realising that the other two Crazy:B members were absent. "Where is Shiina and Oukawa by the way?" Rinne shook his head disapprovingly, "Niki has work, and Kohaku-chan has some Double Face crap. Talk about no loyalty, we were his original unit, Crazy:B should always come first yeah?" HiMERU sighed again, he tended to sigh alot in the presence of Rinne. "If HiMERU was apart of another unit, he would use it as an excuse to avoid Crazy:B practice, his sanity would be more intact in that case."
HiMERU sat down on the floor next to where Rinne was sitting, "Are we actually going to practice today?" Rinne had a habit of only actually doing practice if all four of them were there, he apparently saw no purpose in practicing with only part of Crazy:B at practice. "Nah, I wanted to talk to ya anyway. I saw you when you and Tatsumi-chan came back from wherever you went to." HiMERU froze, if there was any people they did not want seeing them in that state, it was their fellow Crazy:B members, and especially Rinne, they could see nothing good coming from Rinne having that information. "Relax MERUMERU, I didn't bring it up to make fun of you, and I ain't gonna tell anyone or anythin'. I was just curious 's all." Ah, that was Amagi speak for 'I was worried about you'. "HiMERU is fine." Rinne scoffed, "Yer full of crap MERUMERU, the only time I've ever seen that much emotion on your face is when Kohaku-chan asked you if ya were datin' Tatsumi-chan." HiMERU distinctly remembered that, the way that Kohaku asked him with such a serious expression, he could not even attempt to hide his disgust at such an accusation. "Look, I ain't gonna tell a soul, kinda because you'd kill me if I did, but mostly because I'm not completely a jerk. I won't even tell Niki, I just wanna know what's up." Rinne looked very uncharacteristically serious, but HiMERU had seen Rinne when Niki or Hiiro was upset, for such a laid-back man he cared alot about the people close to him, HiMERU had never considered that they might be one of those people to Rinne.
"Haha... Why won't you just let me pretend nothing is wrong? You're too persistant Amagi." Rinne smiled at that, he was relieved that he could finally get something out of HiMERU, he would never tell the secrets of his friends, so he just wished that HiMERU could trust him enough to confide in him a little. "Well you gotta become persistent if you're constantly dealing with people like Niki. Man, why'd I gotta attract all the people who refuse to admit when crap's bothering 'em?" HiMERU chuckled, maybe all of Crazy:B were alike in that regard, none of them were truly honest with their feelings, but they were also the best people for drawing out those hidden feelings within them. HiMERU thought this would be easy, acting as if he was perfect and fazed by nothing, but his unit members had found all the ways to get into his heart that he had tried so hard to hide away and very aggressively took down the walls he had built up for himself. It was an uncomfortable feeling at first, but some days he just wanted to lean into that feeling, and let Tojo ◼◼ do the talking instead of HiMERU for once. They were tired, so tired of pretending to be nothing more than a one-dimensional stage persona, one that did not even belong to them, even when off stage they could not even be themselves. He did not want Tojo Kaname to be truly dead, he would do anything for him including enduring this for as long as their body still lived, but they were still so tempted to just be themselves sometimes.
"HiMERU would never dare tell Amagi anything... but HiMERU does not have a say in this, so I will tell you what happened yesterday." HiMERU did not meet Rinne's eyes, but he could tell that the 'older' man was watching him intently, not saying anything as he waited for HiMERU to continue. "As you and the rest of Crazy:B know, I've been visiting a hospital quite often, but I never told you the actual reason for that. I could never risk it getting out." HiMERU paused, they realised that they still could not let it get out, but some part of him that he had been trying to silence ever since meeting Rinne and the others urged him to trust him, that he would not just go and tell someone about it, and he listened to that part of him. "I've been visiting my little brother, he was in a coma for a little less than two years, I visited him every single day he was in the hospital. I only ever got to meet him in person once before he was hospitalised, and it was during the incident that put him into the coma." Rinne looked understandably surprised, as well as a slight bit guilty, unsurprising since the man often complained about how annoying it was to have a younger brother, even if he was joking the whole time, everyone knew how much Rinne loved Hiiro, which is why HiMERU never felt mad about Rinne's light-hearted complaints, he just felt jealousy that he could never have that with his own brother. "I got a phone call from the hospital yesterday, he'd woken up, but his condition was unstable. Kaname died not long after I arrived at the hospital." HiMERU tried fighting off tears once more, but they had been up against this opponent enough times to know this was not a fight they would win. "He sounded so scared, I wanted to tell him that everything was alright, that Onii-chan would protect him, but all I could tell Kaname was that I loved him, and I would miss him. I wanted to reassure him, but I couldn't live with myself if I did that, he knew he was going to die that day, I don't want him to think I would ever lie to him, because I wouldn't, he's my little brother and I love him."
HiMERU finally turned to look at Rinne, who looked at them with a mix of massive shock and great empathy, he was rendered speechless for the first time since HiMERU had met the man. "Sorry, that was a lot wasn't it? Nobody else knows about this, so please don't tell a soul." HiMERU stopped trying to stop the flow of tears that was trying to escape from his eyes, he had already let himself become vulnerable in front of Rinne, it could not hurt to go the whole way right? "MERUMERU... You're insane, how'd you keep that crap to yourself huh? I know for a fact that if it was my lil bro in that situation I would be so distraught from the moment he went into hospital that everyone would know. It's really not healthy to pretend stuff like that never happened y'know?" HiMERU knew that, they knew that better than anyone, anything they were personally upset about had to be pushed aside because it it was not something the unshakeable HiMERU would ever be upset about. Even when their brother was in the hospital sleeping without end, there was not one person he could talk to about the pain he felt due to it. "According to official sources nothing ever happened. No one knew Kaname was ever in a coma, every person who knew him when he was alive believes that he still is. So I don't have a choice but to pretend." At this point HiMERU was openly sobbing, his words still managed to sound clear despite the amount of crying he was doing. "How did no one even know he was in the hospital, did he have no friends or somethin'?" Rinne raised his eyebrow as he asked his question, obviously he did not know about HiMERU's past fully so he was quite understandably confused. "Ah, it's nothing like that, he did have friends, it's just those friends never knew him as Kaname, they knew him as HiMERU."
HiMERU almost laughed upon seeing Rinne's expression, a look of pure shock was not one that was often on his face afterall. "My little brother was the original person behind HiMERU, I merely took over when he could not." HiMERU actually did laugh this time, he somehow looked even more surprised at that revelation. "Ain't no way... I've seen your early recordings, you look and sound exactly the same. You're saying that's a completely separate person to you?! Are ya like Hina and Yuta-kun then? Like identical twins or somethin'?" HiMERU smiled, if Rinne was in disbelief, it meant they were doing their job correctly, they were making Kaname proud. "Fufu, we're not twins, Kaname's my half-brother, and he's younger than me by six years." HiMERU did not think it was possible for Rinne's eyes to become even wider, but apparently it was because his shock was just increasing the more HiMERU said. "He looks that similar to ya but is only a half-brother?! Also man, that means you're even older than me, no wonder you care so much about your skin, you'll get all wrinkly from old age soon if you don't kyahaha!" HiMERU wiped his eyes, he felt much better after finally being able to talk about the thoughts that were constantly plaguing his mind, not all of them, but enough that the pain was eased enough to become bearable. It felt good to just cry about it in the company of someone who just ignored how utterly pathetic and pity inducing they looked. "Remember, HiMERU will end your life if a single word of this gets out Amagi." It did not sound as threatening as it usually would have, the gratefulness clearly showing in his voice.
HiMERU stood up, if they were in the practice room they might as well get some practice done. "I wouldn't expect anything less from you MERUMERU~" Rinne made no move of his own to get up, so HiMERU extended his arm, pulling the taller man up when he begrudgingly took his hand. "Man, of course you were gonna force me to do practice, you're no fun." Rinne's nonchalant attitude was annoying most of the time, but HiMERU would be lying if they said it was not what they needed at that moment, they just wanted things to feel normal, even when life was far from it. HiMERU chuckled, since when did he start associating anything related to Crazy:B with normalcy? He must be going insane, but if they were going insane, he could not think of any other people he would rather go insane with.
"Thank you Amagi." One day HiMERU would be honest with them, they were his only family left afterall, they would accept him no matter what. Crazy:B was never perfect, never would be, but HiMERU would not want it any other way. "Eh? MERUMERU not being a jerk? Is this a sign that I should gamble today since somethin' impossible just happened?"
HiMERU smiled. Yeah, he could not wait for that day. The day he could finally be honest with the people he loved.
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