Kung kaninang madaling araw ay sobrang bigat ng pakiramdam ko, ngayon namang nagmamaneho ako papunta sa pinakamalapit na convenience store ay sobrang gaan ng pakiramdam ko. Excited na excited ako sa mga nasa isip ko at mga gagawin ko pero hindi pa man ako nagtatagal ay tumawag si Esmeralda na agad kong sinagot.
"Hoy! Saan ka pupunta?" she asked me. Nakikita ko ang pagtataka niya sa mukha niya ngayon. "Ba't hindi ka nagpaalam nang maayos?"
I chuckled. "Papayagan mo rin lang naman ako eh. Hehe, I love you. Sige na manahimik ka na riyan dahil babalik na agad ako. Cake? Gusto mo?"
"Okay. Sige." she smiled. "Bye! Balik ka agad, mahal."
"Sure, sure. I love you."
"I love you, too."
Matapos kong putulin ang tawag ni Esmeralda ay madali na lang naman akong nakarating sa pupuntahan ko. I bought bouquet of flowers and balloons on the way, too. It's so cheesy to think of but if Esmeralda will like this, it does not matter if it is cheesy or not.
"Ang galing n'yo naman po pumili, sir." sambit ng tindera bago ako umalis sa flower shop. "Kung ako girlfriend n'yo sir e talaga namang sasagutin kita araw-araw, e." she jokingly said.
"Haha thank you."
"Ay may girlfriend ka talaga, sir? Tss. Sayang."
"Soon to be wife, actually. And my constant bestfriend." I said and smiled at her.
Abot hanggang kotse ang ngiti ko. Now that I checked on everything that I wanted to buy, naalala kong nangako nga pala ako ng cake para kay Esmeralda kanina. Doon na ako dadaan sa cafe na malapit sa amin at iyon nga ang ginawa ko. I was a little shocked when there are little surprises on the cafe's premises. May mga kung ano-ano silang pakulo para raw sa celebration ng National Best friend Days. May mga name tags ang cakes and coffees kagaya ng "Para sa mga nafriendzone.", "Para sa ayaw masira ang friendship.", "Para sa mga hanggang friends lang.", "Para sa friends na jinowa pero better off as friends lang pala.", "Para sa mga sinuwerte sa best friend." at "Para sa mga best friends with benefits."
The last name made me laugh. I asked the staff which one is the coffee flavored cake and she pointed to "Para sa mga najowa ang best friend." and it made me laugh even more. Para akong pinaglalaruan ng panahon ngayon.
"Sige, one of that and three large frap."
"Sige po, sir. Pa-wait na lang po as we prepare your order."
Tumango ako at naupo na lang sa hindi kalayuan kasama ang number nilang binigay sa akin to claim my order later. Masaya akong naghihintay doon ngunit agad na nawala iyon nang hindi ko inaasahang makakita ng mukhang ayaw kong makita kahit kailan.
Leo, Esmeralda's ex just entered the cafe. Agad din siyang napatingin nang natatawa sa akin. Napabuntong-hininga ako dahil agad na nasira ang saya ko. Why he is here in our area is my question. He still has the audacity to look at me and feel like mocking me when he did all those things. His narcissism never ran out of fuel. We may have won the case against him, yet he bailed his way out of jail. Even Ms. Gelai let it slip because that is how the law works. Unfair and dirty, but Ms. Gelai won anyway. They are now annuled. Napakalaki ng binayaran ni Ms. Gelai para lang doon dahil hindi pa tanggap sa Pilipinas ang divorce.
"Tss. May mga langaw pa rin pala rito, ano?" He intentionally said it out loud to let me hear it.
"Ay naku sorry po, sir." one of the staffs thinking there really is a fly. "Pasensya na po, sir."
Hindi iyon pinansin ni Leo bagkus ay naupo sa upuan na kaharap ng kinauupuan ko. He gave me a mocking smirk and started laughing at my blank reaction.
"Kamusta, bro? Masarap ba 'yong sinuka ko?"
Agad na nagpanting ang tainga ko at nag-init ang aking sistema dahil sa kabastusan niya. Napakalakas ng loob niyang magsabi ng ganito gayong siya na ang isinuka ni Esmeralda. Iyong paraan niya ng pagsasalita, halata mong walang ibang intensyon kung hindi ang mang-inis kaya naman sinisigurado kong hindi ako magpapaapekto at magpapadala sa init ng ulo.
"What does it feel, bro?" he continued. "What does it feel reusing the dirt I threw away?"
"You can't get the reaction you'll want to see from me, Leo. I am far different from you. She threw you out. That is the story."
He laughed. Even the few customers are looking at him because he is getting attention because of how loud his voice is.
"Huwag mong baliktarin ang usapan, bro. Alam nating lahat na natalo man ako sa kaso, nagamit at pinarausan ko pa rin si Emerald." pagyayabang niya. "Nagamit ko siya nang paulit-ulit. Wala na siyang kuwenta dahil marumi na siya." he laughed.
I am punching him inside my head. Pigil na pigil ang galit ko sa kaniya. Ayaw ko siyang patulan. Ayaw kong makuha niya ang gusto niyang reaksyon sa akin kaya naman nginitian ko na lang siya't napailing. Kasabay noon ay nagsalita ang staff. Tinawag niya ang pangalan ko.
"Three large frap and our cake special "Para sa mga najowa ang best friend." for Sir Lucas." she said.
I looked at her direction and quickly looked back at Leo. Nahalata kong sumama ang timpla niya and I knew his ego was trampled. It is obvious he wants Esmeralda back despite what happened between them and our situation. Nakangiti lang akong tumayo para kunin ang order ko. I contemplated for a bit, but I did it. Bago ako pumunta para kunin ang order ko ay bumalik ako sandali sa harapan ni Leo at ngumiti.
"Shame on you to think she's not valuable because of her past. Shame on you to measure a woman's worth based on her mistakes. You said she's dirty. Well, now she is not because you were the only dirt she has before." I said. "I am glad she fell out of love with you now. I am glad He messed everything up sooner so that she will not end up with you and suffer with your fucked up behavior. No real man would video tape sexing up with a woman without her permission, bro. A woman who only thought she was making you feel loved."
He got silent as I heave a sigh and continue one final talk with him.
"Don't worry, she's always safe and valued with me."
Iyon na lamang ang sinabi ko saka nagdiretso na sa pagkuha ng order ko. Mabuti naman at hindi na siya nanggulo pa. Nanahimik na lang siya roon sa kinauupuan niya. Bumabalik na ang sigla ko ngunit pagkalabas ko ng cafe ay hindi ko na naman inaasahang may makikita akong ayaw ko nang makita.
It quickly made my heart feel heavy and scared, yet I did not lose my control. Cia is here. Kakababa lang niya ng taxi at sa tantiya ko ay makikipagkita kay Leo dahil nakatingin sila ngayon sa isa't isa. Eventually she looked at me and smiled.
"Lucas,"
"Please, no."
"I'm dating Leo." she said. "I'm sorry. I know sorry is not enough to cover up everything. Emerald talked to me last month before the case. She told me how I almost ruined you. What I did back in my apartment, I'm sorry, I did not know."
"Please, no. Cia, please get out of my way." sambit ko. Nag-uumpisa na namang bumigat ang paghinga ko. I might be starting to have anxiety attacks again if she continues talking to me. The smile that I adore before turned out to be the smile I am fearing now. "Please, I need to get home."
"I'm sorry, I'm sorry. I won't bother you again. I know you hate people who cheats."
Nagtataka man ako pero hindi ko na rin iyon pinroseso pa nang ganoon kalalim. She told me Esmeralda talked to her last month before the case and I did not know that. She might have told her things for her to tell me sorry right now, but I am sure my traumas are not one of them. I know Esmeralda did not spill the cup of tea that are just for us. Cia surely even do not know that looking at her makes my trauma triggered that is why she don't listen.
"Lucas, can we-"
"No. We cannot be friends. Thank you."
Agad ko siyang pinutol at saka agad na nagdiretso sa kotse at pinaandar iyon. Pigil na pigil ko ang sarili kong huwag na naman atakihin dahil nagmamaneho ako. Nakalayo naman ako kahit papaano sa cafe at agad na pumarada sa tabing kalsada para kumalma. I am heaving deep sighs controlling myself. Dali-dali rin akong tumawag kay Esmeralda na agad niyang sinagot.
"Pauwi ka na, mahal?" she asked.
"Mahal," I said and breathe. "Yes po. Pauwi na ako. Gusto mo ng pagkain? Malapit ako sa karinderya."
"No. Kakakain lang natin ng brunch mahal eh. Uwi ka na lang dito dali. Sabi mo uwi ka kaagad eh lampas one-hour na. Tss. Ano bang pinagbibibili mo riyan at parang naggrocery ka pa yata? Sus. Ikaw ha baka ibang surprise na naman 'yang pakulo mo. Kurutin ko singit mo eh."
I smiled as I hear Esmeralda talk. Unti-unti na akong kumakalma dahil sa boses niya pa lang. Unti-unti nang bumabalik sa normal ang paghinga ko at hindi na ako pinapasok ng negatibong mga isipin.
"You're my doctor, mahal." I said out of nowhere. "Ako iyong doktor sa ating dalawa pero ikaw yata iyong antidote ko."
"Syempre ako ang love mo, e."
"Wow. Ang yabang mo talaga."
"Tss. Ako pa ba? Sige na. Uwi ka na, mahal. Dali na gusto na kita makita. Bilis!"
"Okay. Sige, sige. Malapit na ako. I love you."
"I love you, too!"
Pinutol ko na rin ang tawag. One last time, I heaved a deep sigh as I assess myself. Kinapa ko muna ang sarili ko kung kaya ko na ulit magmaneho at mabuti naman ay kaya ko na. I looked at everything that I bought and suddenly Leo and Cia sink into my mind especially Cia.
I eventually thought of when and how I met her. It was maybe really a lunacy to fall hard on an entirely different way I did not see coming. A different feeling that I did not expect. I never thought that laying eyes on her beauty for the first time will send me rushing to own her but the last time I looked at it, I rushed to walk away and save me. I cannot believe that even though some said I was getting crazy, and some said I really was just drunk to continue adoring her perfectly imperfect existence every time, I still played with her despite the warning signs.
"I saw you dancing really pretty, and I want to know if you'll be interested to date me. I am Heart Lucas, 28, a pilot, a medical doctor, and a painter. I can also be your official husband if you want to."
I chuckled to myself. I cannot believe that I said that. I cannot believe that this was my wish months ago.
"Sirain mo ang buhay ko," I remember myself saying those words to her and her replying.
"Cia," as she smiles at me. "Cia Clemente."
Napabuntong-hininga ako muli. Napailing pa habang napapagtanto ang ginawa ko noon. Comparing the first time and the last time I am planning of meeting Cia, it was really a lunacy to begin with. I wished for her to ruin my life. I should have never said that even though it was a joke of some kind to begin with. All of us shall not make wishes. He might really give us that half-meant wish our heart spoke about. Muli na lang akong napabuntong-hininga. I called Esmeralda again as I start driving.
"Oh? Bakit? Kakatawag mo lang, e. Parang tanga 'to oh."
I chuckled at her annoyed face on my cellphone screen. Napapakamot pa nga siya sa ulo niya dahil sa akin at sa ginagawa kong paulit-ulit na pagtawag sa kaniya.
"Samahan mo ako sa habambuhay," I said. "Esmeralda."