"Fucking stop, Cia. Please. Stop, stop, stop. Putangina, stop!"
I screamed. I did not hesitate to swear at her. Nakita kong nagulat siya sa inasal ko. Malamang sa malamang ay hindi niya iyon inaasahan. I heaved deep continous sigh while my breathing is becoming heavier and heavier as seconds pass by. Nahihilo na ako sa biglaang sama ng pakiramdam ko ngunit gayunpaman ay nagawa ko pang maglakad kahit papaano. Mabagal man at hindi dire-diretso ang lakad ay nakabalik ako sa kotse at doon agad na napasandal sa upuan. Nanginginig kong kinapa ang manibela. I started driving even though I know I am not feeling well. I need to get out of this place and far away from Cia because it is suffocating me. It is killing me.
Nakatagal ako nang dalawang minuto sa pagmamaneho. Nakalayo ako kahit paano ngunit hindi ko kinaya. Natigil ako at saka halos hindi na makahinga habang kinakapa ang sarili ko. I looked for my phone. Luckily my eyesight did not abandon me from all these. I called Esmeralda and she answered right away.
"Mahal, hi! Pauwi ka na-"
"M-mahal..." nanghihina kong sambit. "Ple-please get me out of here. Sunduin mo ako, please. I beg you. Those predators are eating me."
I know my voice are begging. I know I am crying now. I know I am weak and only Esmeralda is the only person that my mind automatically thought of. She means breathing. She means strength to me. She means safety.
"M-mahal, okay. Hingang malalim. Sabay tayo. One...two...three. Don't leave me. Huwag papatayin ang phone, okay? Be with me. Paparating na ako. Susunduin na kita." I heard Esmeralda saying. Alam kong nag-aalala siya dahil hindi rin mapakali ang boses niya at medyo garalgal.
"I'll w-wait for you, mahal. Help me..."
I am hearing her talk on the other line. Sumisigaw siyang nagpaalam kay Haze saka ang mga sumunod ko nang narinig ay ang pagkataranta. Ilang minuto matapos iyon ay ang tunog ng kotse na ang naririnig ko at ang boses niya.
"Mahal, breathe tayo. Hinga po, hinga. Please, be with me. Hinga tayo, okay? One...two...three."
I don't know how many times Esmeralda kept on doing that on the phone. Sinasabayan ko lahat ng paghinga niya. Sa kaniya lang ako nakikinig dahil ayaw kong pakinggan ang mga demonyo sa isip ko. Ayaw kong madala ng takot at kabaliwan. Ayaw ko. Ayaw na ayaw ko.
"Mahal, malapit na ako. Please, keep breathing with me. Inhale...exhale....inhale...exhale. Mahal,"
I cannot control myself. Right now, kahit na hirap na hirap pa rin akong huminga ay nilalabanan ko pa rin ang sarili ko dahil alam kong nananalo ang kagaguhan sa isip ko. I am already thinking of ways to harm myself. I am already thinking of dying.
"Mahal..."
More minutes of talking on the phone and breathing with Esmeralda, I felt her embrace. Agad niya akong isiniksik sa dibdib niya at hindi pinapakawalan ang kamay kong kinukutkot ang kanan kong pulso.
"Mahal...shush. Tahan na po. Tahan na. I'm here. You're safe."
I cannot seem to listen. Kahit ilang beses niyang sabihin iyon, para akong bingi. Ayaw kong tigilan. Aminado rin akong dumudugo na ang pulso ko perp ayaw ko pa ring tumigil. I cannot even feel the pain. Basta ang alam ko lang, gusto kong saktan ang sarili ko.
"Mahal, shush. Shush. You're safe. Nandito na ako, mahal. Tahan na..."
Paulit-ulit si Esmeralda sa pagpapatahan sa akin. It took us more than five minutes, in my calculation, before I finally listened to her, and she made me stop hurting myself. Umiiyak na rin siya habang tinitingnan niya iyong ginawa ko sa sarili ko.
"Mahal, I'm here." she said and gently kissed me on my lips. "I'm here, I'm here."
She's almost whispering. Hindi na maitagong muli ang pagkagaralgal ng boses niya sa ngayon. Ako naman ay naghihingal at nanghihinang napatigil na rin. Nang tingnan ko ang ginawa ko sa sarili ko ay natahimik na lang ulit ako. I cannot believe I let all my thoughts win over me this time. After so many years of keeping them shut, they've finally freed again, and I lost.
"Mahal, breathe." si Esmeralda ulit. Sa mata niya lang ako nakatingin at sinusubukang sabayan akong muli sa paghinga. "Mahal, you're safe. Wala na sila. Ako na lang 'to. Ako 'to. Safe ka sa akin, mahal. Huwag ka nang matakot."
Tumingin ako sa paligid ko nang sabihin niya iyon. Noong una ay natakot pa ako pero sa huli ay naging normal na ang paghinga ko. Napayakap ako nang nanghihina kay Esmeralda.
"Mahal," sa wakas ay sambit ko. "I... I’m here now."
Nakita ko kung paanong tumulo ang mga luha niya nang sabihin ko iyon. The sadness and the happines on her eyes are both present. Humihikbi na rin niya akong niyakap para patahanin.
"Thank God. Thank God, mahal." she said. "You're safe now. Yakap kita kaya safe na safe ka sa akin. Hindi kita papabayaan."
I smiled tiredly and then hugged her tighter. I stayed like that for minutes. I felt comfortable enough and safe enough to close my eyes and rest.
"I need rest, mahal. I need you. Please don't leave me."
"I won't mahal. Sige, tulog ka lang. Hindi kita iiwan."
~~~
I don't know how many minutes or hours has passed until we came home. Sobrang dilim na at marami nang bituin sa kalangitan. Nang makarating kami sa bahay mula sa ospital ay nakita kong nagtatanong ang mga mata ni Haze ngunit hindi na nagsalita pa. Inalalayan ako ni Esmeralda papunta sa kwarto at agad din na pinaupo sa kama.
All I do is slowly move. I am even looking at the bandages I have on my wrist. Sa sobrang daming kalmot na mula sa anxiety attack ko ay hindi ko namalayang sobra na pala ang pagdurugo ng pulso ko kaya naman dinala ako kanina ni Esmeralda sa ospital para gamutin ito at bigyan na rin ako ng pangpakalma. I'm thankful that I feel safe now. That my mind can slowly function after that too much emotional and mental breakdown.
"Mahal, gusto mong kumain?"
Umiling ako. "I...want to talk about it."
Agad na nanlaki ang mga mata ni Esmeralda. Dali-daling naupo sa tabi ko at nanahimik habang nakatingin sa akin at hinihintay ang mga susunod kong sasabihin.
The first minutes were just me and my deep sighs and almost stuttering words before I finally kept my cool. I started talking about it.
"Did I... scare you again, mahal?"
"No." agad na sambit at iling ni Esmeralda. "I am thankful that you were so brave to hold on and call me to help you. I am so proud of you, mahal."
Nanghihinang pagngiti ang ibinigay ko sa kaniya. Muli pang bumuntong-hininga at tiningnan ang pulso ko bago magpatuloy sa pagsasalita.
"Cia almost tried getting sexual with me without my permission. She...she undressed herself in front of me...touched herself in front of me and her eyes were just like those monsters. They were evil." I sighed. "Everything from those dark nights, inatake ako. Pakiramdam ko hinahabol nila ako. Pakiramdam ko, muli nila akong aabusuhin."
I saw Esmeralda listening to me very closely. I can ser her eyes full of understanding and so much patience because a lot of times while talking, I am stuttering. Hindi ko kayang magsalita nang normal.
Esmeralda already knew about this. About my pain and my trauma and it is very rare for the both of us to talk about it because I never hoped to be in the situation in the first place. Ayaw kong dumating iyong araw na mangyari itong nangyari ngayon. I do not want to be in that psychological torment again and again.
When I was a kid, I got sexually abused and raped multiple times by a woman. It was our old maid. My parents used to let nannies watch over us because they are nowhere inside the house but working their butts off to provide for all our siblings and me. Lahat kami halos ay nag-aaral noon. Sabay-sabay. My parents cannot afford the luxury of rest before. It happened when I was eleven until my thirteens. That yaya used to tie me on a chair and sexually abuse me. She made me do things without my consent. She ruined me and the childhood I had. While being tied, she'll touch herself in front of me just like what Cia did earlier. It triggered a lot of fear. That yaya used to suck me. I did not know what that even mean at that age, but I was forced to go hard so she'll be happy, or else she'll do more disgusting things to me. I view her as a monster whose intention is to take advantage of my whole. Ayaw ko mang alalahanin pero hindi ko maiwasan lalo na ngayong inatake na naman ako. Sa tuwing maiisip ko siya at aatakihin ako ng bangungot na iyon, pakiramdam ko ay hinahabol ako ng traumang iyon. Hindi ako makakahinga, hindi ako makakausad sa kinatatayuan ako, I had the unintentional hobby of scratching my pulse because I am imagining inside my head that I am tied up but I want to get freed. In return of that uncontrolled scratching, napapadugo ko ang pulso ko. Nasasaktan ko ang sarili ko.
When the time comes and I finally understood what sex is, and it sink it I was severely sexually abused and no one knows until I said it to my only best friend years ago, I viewed sex differently. I loved rough sex because of that. Gusto kong pinapahirapan at maririnig kong nasasaktan ang sex partner ko dahil ibang-iba ang pakiramdam ko kapag ganoon. It feels like it is very freeing. Very powerful. My mind kept on thinking that if I do that to others, maybe mababawi noon at matatabunan ang mga nangyari sa akin. Na sa bawat gawin ko iyon, nababawasan ang trauma ko. Nakakaganti ako at mayroong psychological satisfaction iyon sa akin mula sa traumang natamo ko. I soon got sexually active on my teenage years because I was exposed to it. I used to watch porn every day and jerk off of it. I used to be almost a sex maniac, if I may say. Muntik nang masira ng sexual abuse na iyon ang buong buhay ko.
Esmeralda knows it. She is the only one who knows beside me because I told her. Maging mga magulang ko hindi nila alam dahil natatakot at nahihiya ako hanggang ngayon. Isa pa, I might not like the reaction they'll give me. Men's stigma on sexual abuse are far different on the stigma and matter when it comes to women. That is why I chose to rest my case. Patay naman na ang yaya naming iyon dati. She was found dead on her bed many many years ago. Siguro ay binangunot ng mga kababuyan niya. When I told Esmeralda about it, she has then since became my constant savior. Mula nang una kong mabanggit iyon sa kaniya ay dalawa o tatlong beses pa lang yata itong nangyayari at ayaw ko nang madagdagan pa. Since then, Esmeralda do not like rough sex. Sabi niya, nasasaktan siya para sa akin kaya kung nasa rough sex man siya, she won't enjoy it because all she will have to think about is my trauma. Sa pakiramdam niya raw ay siya iyong ginagantihan doon. It makes her emotional everytime. That is why I am sorry that I got too harsh on her the last time.
"Akala ko, babalik na naman ako sa cycle na iyon. Kinain na naman ako ng takot." I continued looking at Esmeralda. "Mabuti dumating ka agad. Mabuti niyakap mo ako."
"Mahal, I'll always save you because you always save me from everything else." she said. Hinawakan din ang kamay ko saka hinalikan iyon nang marahan. "Saan ka hinawakan ni Cia, mahal? Buburahin natin iyong marka sa katawan mo. We'll make sure to replace it and cover it with my kisses. My safe touches and my hugs. Saan, mahal? Dito? Here? Or here?"
Esmeralda is now kissing me everywhere while asking. It made me smile. It made me safe and is now making me hard. Hinawakan ko ang ulo niya para paharapin siya sa akin.
"He almost undressed my pants. She touched it." I said. "Can you kiss me there, too, mahal?"