Tony heard Loki get up a few minutes ago, and then he heard the bathroom door open and close, and then he heard the shower start, and not once did he open his eyes.
It's nice to know that Loki feels comfortable enough here to go about his business without asking Tony first. He doesn't even need Tony to be aware that he's doing it. And it's especially nice to know that Loki doesn't feel like he needs to hang around and do nothing until Tony wakes up, because he likes to wake up free of pressure.
And though Tony is technically awake, he doesn't even begin to get up. He'll wait for Loki to finish his shower before he starts his day. It's probably a better idea than getting up now and the god coming out to find that he's alone. He'll give the guy a few more days to get used to the place before he starts ditching him like that.
He's already drifted halfway back to sleep when he hears JARVIS's voice.
"Sir, Agent Romanoff just entered the building."
Tony groans quietly. Oh, that's just great. Leave it to Natasha Romanoff to just let herself into somebody's locked home without telling them.
He reluctantly sits up. "Tell her to wait in the lobby," he says. "I'll be down in a minute." He rubs his eyes, stands up, and cracks his back. That alone wakes him up a little bit more. He glances in the bedroom mirror, and he runs his fingers through his hair, fixing his bedhead as well as he can without his hair gel.
Alright, this is going to be fun.
"If Loki's looking for me," Tony says as he heads out of the room, "tell him I'm in the lobby, but I'll be right back – and do not tell him Romanoff's here."
"Of course, sir," JARVIS says.
Tony heads downstairs – or, more accurately, down the elevator; that would be a lot of stairs – and, as promised, he finds Natasha relaxing on a bench by the front door. She may not have the common courtesy to tell him she was coming, but at least she follows directions.
"Hey." Natasha gives him a half-wave with one hand, the other holding a styrofoam cup of what he assumes is probably coffee.
"You know," Tony says, making his way to the bench to sit down next to her, "most people call ahead."
"I'm not most people," Natasha says, an air of lighthearted indifference in her tone.
"Unfortunately not," Tony agrees. "So, what are you doing here? You missed me that much?"
She snorts. "Hardly," she says. "Fury sent me in."
"Well, you can tell Fury that I'm flattered," Tony says sarcastically, "but that was a one-time deal. I'm really not a team player."
"No?" Natasha cocks an eyebrow skeptically. "That's not what it looked like last night."
"Hmm." Tony presses his lips into a firm line. "You know, I don't remember you walking in on last night's orgy, but–"
"Who's your flight buddy, Stark?"
Tony smirks. "Wouldn't you like to know?"
"I sure would," she says. "Now, are you gonna tell me, or is Fury going to have to send me some friends to help move this along?"
Tony lets out a low whistle. "Two weeks ago, we were saving the world together, and now look at us." He shakes his head to himself. "I guess nice things really don't last."
"Stark." She shoots him a look.
Tony rolls his eyes. "It was JARVIS," he says. "I'm testing this new automatic suit – like a drone, but not." (It would, in fact, be a drone in every sense of the word. Fortunately, it doesn't exist, so he can call it whatever he wants.)
"That's cute," Natasha says, a hint of condescension in her tone, "but we've seen you fly it before. It's not new."
"So you've been spying on me, huh?" Tony asks suggestively, bouncing his eyebrows.
"SHIELD keeps a constant eye on anyone they consider notable," Natasha reminds him. "Whether they consider you a potential ally or an enemy."
"You know, until 15 seconds ago, I would have assumed I fell into the first category." The way she phrased that, though... He's not so sure anymore.
"You hacked our servers while you helped us save the world," Natasha reminds him. "You're in both categories."
"I'll take it," Tony says. As long as they're not planning to kill him in his sleep. "Well, I'm sorry I don't have any exciting answers to your not-so-exciting questions, but it was nice catching up with you." He pats her on the back once and stands up, not very subtle as he signals the end of the conversation. "Tell Barton I said 'hi.' If you guys want to pick a day to hang out, we—"
"We're not done here," Natasha interrupts. "Sit down."
Tony makes a show of rolling his eyes, but he does as he's told.
"Rumor has it that the Bifrost has shown up at your door a few times this month," Natasha says.
"Yeah, Thor's been coming by every now and then," Tony says nonchalantly, like that's not damning evidence of this huge secret he's keeping from the rest of the world.
"Funny; he hasn't checked in on the rest of us," Natasha remarks.
Tony shrugs. "I guess we know who his favorite is."
"Banner said you won't let him come by," Natasha says.
Tony spits out the first lie he can think of. "I had to close down the R&D floors until I can finish fixing up the building." And, technically, nobody has been on those floors since the Chitauri invasion, so he can pretend that's true. He's just peeved that Bruce would tell SHIELD about it.
"Yeah? And how's that going for you?" Natasha asks sarcastically. "Lot of progress, huh?"
"It's slow going," Tony admits, but that's not suspicious, right? This is a hell of a lot of work for one person. Nobody could have fixed the mess the Chitauri left behind by now, even if they were working on it.
Natasha folds her arms over her chest. "What's going on, Stark?"
"Nothing," Tony says. "I wish I had something to—"
"Oh, you have got to be kidding me."
Tony follows her gaze, and he feels himself freeze. Loki's stepping out in the lobby, his snowflake blanket wrapped around his shoulders as it collects the water that drips from his still-wet hair. He gives Natasha a curious look. That's not the word Tony would use to describe the look she gives him back.
Without thinking — because he forgets to do that sometimes — he slaps a hand over Natasha's mouth. Her complaints are muffled by his palm, and as she tries to pull it off of her, he just grips her head tighter.
She is absolutely going to kill him.
Loki furrows his brows. "Should I...?" he mouths silently, gesturing first to himself and then to the staircase he just stepped out of.
Tony nods. Yes, he really should.
Loki does just that, and the moment the door closes behind him, Tony takes his hand away from Natasha's mouth. Maybe his impending death won't be as painful if he doesn't drag this "shutting her up by force" thing out.
Before she can get a word out, Tony says, "It's not what you think."
"You are a dead man," Natasha growls, marching toward the stairs.
"Woah, woah, hold on." Tony launches himself to his feet and stands in front of her, arms spread to the sides to block her path. "Let me explain."
Natasha pushes past him. "Loki is in your house," she says coldly. "I think I've seen enough."
"No, no, no, no–" Tony grabs her arm and pulls her backward. "You can't say anything to him."
"I have a lot to say to him, actually," Natasha says.
"No, you can't," Tony insists. "He doesn't remember any of it. You can't tell him anything."
"I don't believe that for a second," Natasha says.
"I know, it sounds crazy, but I swear, he doesn't remember a goddamn thing," Tony says. "I watched him forget it. You can ask Pepper — or Rhodey. They saw it, too. He forgets everything."
"Bullshit."
"I know how it sounds," Tony says quickly.
"It sounds like he's playing you and you're falling right for it," Natasha says.
"He's not playing me," Tony insists. "If you'd seen him that first week, you'd understand. It's like his memories were ripped out of his head. He has no idea what he did."
"There's no way you actually believe that," Natasha says.
"I'm telling you, he's—" Tony cuts himself off with an exasperated sigh. He has an idea. It's just not a very good one. "Do you want to talk to him?"
Natasha raises her brows. It's not a very promising answer, but he'd prefer it to her instinct to murder him here and now.
"You can't tell him anything," Tony adds. "You can't mention the Chitauri. You can't tell him that you know him. But if you treat him like a stranger—"
"If I lie to him, he'll lie to me?" Natasha surmises. "Great plan."
"That's not—"
"I'll do it," she interrupts. "I'll play your stupid game. I'll talk to him. But when I leave, I'm telling Fury everything."
Tony clenches his jaw. So there's no way to keep SHIELD out of this anymore. That's going to put a dent in this plan. Thor better come back before SHIELD makes their next move, because Tony's not quite sure where to go from here.
But if Natasha is going to tell SHIELD anyway, right now, the best Tony can do is make sure whatever story she spins for them isn't a scathing indictment of both himself and Loki. And maybe, if they play their cards right, she'll agree to keep it between them.
So Tony gestures for Natasha to come with him. "JARVIS," he says, "tell Loki we're on our way. There's someone I'd like him to meet."