summer just started, only 3 days in and daddy still doesn't want me around.
i didn't want to hurt daddy, so I try my best to stay out of his way, although daddy doesn't want me, he isnt chasing me out of the house.
i know that if he did, rue or atlas would scold him, but just thinking about that makes me sad.
"can we go on a picnic?" i ask rue, thankfully daddy isn't here, he was away at work.
"did you clean your room?" rue asks me, as i nod my head.
"okay. Go get change and I'll pack the stuff" she responds and I smile big.
"thank you! rue" i say and as I rush off to my bedroom, I am a big girl so I change on my own, and can do big girl things, except math, math will forever be hard.
i chose to grab a pink floral shoulder crop top with ruffle layered shirt along with a plain black skirt, after compiling my outfit, a photograph falls off the shelf.
i pick it up, and notice it's me as a infant as daddy is giving me a kiss to the forehead, i grab to the photograph and hold it as I stare at it.
i miss daddy.
so I put the photograph away, and changed into the outfit.
when I make my way down the stairs , and into the foyer, at the 5th to last step I see daddy.
i froze in spot, i didn't want daddy to see me or notice me, but he is suppose to be at work!?
then rue emerges from the left wing, and is in view, i was so happy to see her, "you look so cute" rue compliments me as she makes her way to the entrance, i grimaced as daddy turns his attention to me.
i already knew daddy would be grabbing his head as his head is in pain, "Change her outfit" daddy says to rue, but I felt offended.
I really like my outfit, it's really summery.
"But you said she isn't your daughter. why would you care?" i hear rue tell her, and I try to hide my grin.
"As long as she is living with me, she won't be wearing those" i hear daddy, and for a second I thought daddy is back, daddy really is overprotective and when daddy said those words I beamed.
is daddy back?
"try to remember, she is your child." my nanny proceeds to say, but I hear daddy scoffing and grabbing his car key and went out the door.
i sigh, i guess daddy isn't back.
"honey. you know he's trying." rue explains to me, but I just shrug, maybe I'd have to make new memories with him.
"was daddy always this scary?" i ask, as rue helps me into the car, with atlas as the driver.
i see rue thinking for a long time, but proceeded to say he isn't scary.
but I knew she was lying.
we arrive at a nice park, i see people biking, and walking, and other kids playing.
"okay I pick the spot" i say as atlas stops the car and I run to the best spot on the grass, and rue helps me lay down the blanket.
then I see atlas closing the car door and making his way towards us, "ready to eat ladies?" he asks and I nod with eagerness.
atlas helps get my sandwich prepared, and before I could get a bite in, atlas took the first bite.
"just checking to see if it was safe to eat" he responds, wiping his mouth with a napkin, "excuses" i say not convince before I take a bite into my sandwich that atlas rudely bit into.
we had lots of conversations, and when I finish chomping on my sandwich, atlas gently wipes my mouth with a napkin, "I can do that!!" i say frustrated, even though atlas knows me since I could talk, he babies me too much.
"and you let your daddy help you get change" atlas says, and i got too mad that my face turns red.
"cause it's daddy! I love daddy" I say defending myself, which nanny and atlas laugh.
"you're still such a daddy's girl" atlas proceeds to say, with rue agreeing.
i just stuck my tongue at them, and then went to play on the playground, with rue constantly saying be careful.
>>>>>>>>>>>>>>
we arrive back home, and I fall asleep.
but I hear voices as I am waking up, but I didn't want to walk, cause I want someone to carry me.
"What did you guys do" i hear a familiar voice say in a relaxed way,
"just picnic, and playgrounds" i know that it was rue responding.
but nothing from the other person, except for the clicking of their shoes moving away from us.
"atlas can you put her to bed? i want to talk about something with him"
i feel shifting as atlas holds onto me, and his touch was so familiar, I felt sleepy.
i carefully peeked my eyes open, but was met with lassie's chest, so I couldn't see anything.
i know we were walking up the stairs, and I hear the sound of a door opening, then some stuff moving around and him gently placing me to my bed, which I immediately closed my eyes.
"If your daddy doesn't want you, I'll take you." i hear him vaguely say before kissing me on my forehead, then I fell into slumberland.
i wake up and see that it was 7 in the evening, and I felt hungry, since I been sleeping for a long time, I didn't even see when we got home.
when I make it out of my room, I see rue already making her way towards me.
"your father would like to have tea." i hear her say, which I thought I misheard.
"but- I'll hurt daddy." i say, i didn't want to hurt daddy.
"he wants to gradually subdue it" rue says, but I didn't know what subdue means.
"what is that?" i ask,
"means to fight it off, your daddy wants to know his daughter" rue briefly says, which brings a smile to my face.
i am happy to see daddy, but I know I can't get my hopes up. I have to do it slow.
i slowly knock at the study room, it was were daddy had his books and study stuff.
the door opens on its own, which i find odd, then I see daddy standing by the book shelves, as he's reading some sort of book.
"Sit" i hear daddy say, not even turning to see me, my hands begin to feel clammy, and I didn't like being here.
"Have you read this?" he asks dryly setting the book so the cover is facing me, as he takes a seat across from me.
daddy still smells the same, which is reassuring.
i look down at the title, it read 'Rejecting the Void' I vaguely remember daddy reading that all the time,
"no, I haven't" i respond after a few moments, it was strange, daddy didn't grab his head, I'm happy that he isn't.
"you should read it." he says and i act cautious as he hands the book to me, before he sits back down.
he sips on his tea, and I haven't even touched mine.
"Drink." he commands as he sees that I didn't drink my tea.
i really didn't like tea, but it's daddy.
i try to grab the cup of tea but my hands were shaking so much that I spilled the hot tea onto myself.
i didn't have the time to react before I see daddy already grabbing paper towel and somehow had a damp cloth.
i wanted to cry at the burning of the hot tea, but daddy eases the pain as he places the damp cloth onto my chest.
but I still cry, i know that daddy isn't back, and so I can't hug him.
i really miss daddy, I want daddy to be back.
when daddy was treating me, I couldn't help myself but stare, is this the same man who pushed me away?
"I'm sorry." i hear him say, when he finishes treating me and he gets away from me.
i felt upset, but I see that daddy is gripping his head with both hands, so I quickly scurry out of his office as he opened the door wide for me.
i got mad at myself for ruining such a perfect moment.
"I spilled tea" I say upset to rue, who comforts me by smoothing out my hair, "so what happened?" she asks.
"well, daddy cleaned me up, and made sure I didn't get burned." i tell her recalling my moments with him,
"aw. that's good, he has a good reaction time" she compliments as she smiles,
"so daddy deep down loves me" i say, but I just get sad.
daddy seems so far away, even though he is here with me, I know he's hurting too..
daddy do you not care...?
is there nothing that he wants to say, i know that it isn't his fault, i really need him.
daddy all i want to say is im sorry, and i just want you back.
i got lost in my thoughts, i didn't hear rue ask me a question.
"do you want to sleep? or watch movies" rue asks, i already slept so normally I wouldn't feel tired, but I did.
i just wanted to sleep, and that's all I ever did for this week.
daddy gone to work, and rue suddenly pulls me into a tight embrace,
"darling. i have to go away for a bit. I trust you will listen to atlas and your daddy." rue says,
"why? why are you leaving?" i ask with teary eyes, "I'll just be gone for a bit. I promise I'll be back" rue solemnly says as she gives me a kiss to the cheek.
"so don't cry for me, okay?" she wipes the tears brimming from my eyes, with a soft kleenx.
i feel like everyone is leaving me, first daddy, now rue.
i know daddy isn't gone, but the daddy I know isn't here.
"okay. promise?" i say sniffling and putting my pinky out for her to give me her promise.
"yes. i promise"she says, so with that rue leaves in a cab.
atlas upgraded from being my driver to being a temporary nanny.
"don't forget to eat you greens" lassie says which I grumbled and painfully stabbed the piece of broccoli putting it to my mouth,
"when does rue come back?" i ask,
"she didn't tell me" lassie responds, and I frown but continue to eat.
i glance and see the seat that daddy always sits in , empty.
published: 11.29.22
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