I don't wake Cadence, and not for lack of trying.
After standing over her for 10 minutes, trying to conjure the courage to nudge her shoulder or murmur her name, I end up slumping on the ground next to the horse, my head resting against the wheel.
My conversation with Killian plays over in my mind like a haunting tune. The weight of this life-altering secret and what Cadence did in the cloud is heavy on my chest. Killian is right; she can never know. I'm not sure she'd be able to handle it.
But the moral dilemma of revealing the truth to her is the only thing that plagues my mind.
"Frey?"
I twist my neck towards the stream. Casimir glides across the bank towards me, his eyes cast low. I glance over his shoulder to find him alone.
"Is she awake?"
I shake my head, no. "We can't tell her what happened, Cas. It would destroy her. You need to make sure Elex doesn't say anything."
"I know." His voice is grave as he settles beside me, looking out at the stream. It trickles against the raised boulder edging the bank. Knee indents rest in the mud where I rested, soaking the cloth to wipe the blood from Cadence's skin.
"Where are the others?"
"Killian and the girl are talking, Elex is keeping a close eye on them." I don't miss the suspicion in his tone, and I don't blame him. They may never have gotten along, but I'm not the only one Killian betrayed. "We need to get going," he says. "Soon."
I sigh. "I know. Ereon's men will be after us--"
"Not just Ereon. Killian and that shifter girl." He lowers his voice, glancing over his shoulder as if they'll pop out from behind him. "Elex and I have a plan."
I swallow the lump in my throat. "A plan?"
He nods. "We'll have to split up to lose them. You and me; Elex and Cadence."
A shot of adrenaline pulses through my veins at his words. Escape. Once, the prospect of escaping Killian and Lei was all I'd wanted. The discomfort at not feeling that same desperation doesn't evade me. Killian, the cloud, Samu, Elel--I try to identify the emotions rushing through my head, but they all tangle together into strings of knotted thoughts.
The next words spill out before I can stop them. "We can't."
"Don't worry about Samu, we'll get him back. We still have their map. We'll get him back on our own. I heard that girl, Lei, talking about you, Frey. About the Cloud Piercer and what they want you to do. If they manage to get their hands tightly wrapped around you again, there's no way they're letting you go."
Except Killian already did once. Would he do it again?
The cloud swirls in my memory. What it did to Cadence. To Raven. The choking sensation I felt as I listened to the agonising screams of my loved ones.
"They think I can stop it," I whisper. "The cloud. That's why they want me."
"Don't be afraid. I won't let them hurt you."
"You're not hearing me." I grab his hand, wrap it tightly in my own. "I think I have to try."
His expression freezes as my words sink in, his jaw tensing as we stare at one another in the harsh glare of the morning sun. I don't say anything more; I don't have to. Right from when we were young he could read me from just a look. I used to hate that, but right now, when my own words terrify me, it's never been more of a blessing.
"Try." He repeats the word like it tastes sour. "You want to try and stop... the cloud."
"Cadence killed Raven. Cadence."
It's the first time we've spoken it aloud to one another. I can see the way it's nagged at him since he found us in the forest. Neither of us knew Raven very well. But she was one of us. She could have been any of us. The grief of her death fills the air as if it were us.
"You don't know that. There could have been--"
"There was no one else. She killed Raven. And she could've ended up accidentally killing herself or me if things had gone differently." I push to my feet, the horse raising its head at my movement. "It's getting worse, Cas. It's not a monster we can hide from. Look at what happened to Torinne."
"And you think you can stop it?"
The skepticism in his voice doesn't wound me. It's echoed in my own head, even as Killian's words sing through my mind. Nobody has ever been able to tell themselves that what they see in the cloud isn't real before. Nobody but you.
"I... I don't know," I say honestly. "But I've seen what the cloud could do to Elel. What it will do to Elel. And if there's a chance, however small, that we can somehow stop it before it destroys us, what kind of person would I be to hide?"
He grabs my arm, pulls me closer. "I won't let anybody use you."
"Ereon wants to use me."
"And Killian doesn't?"
I meet his gaze with an even one of my own. The truth is, I still don't know the answer to that question, and that plagues me. He lied to me for months, and made me fall for him, only to kidnap me and keep me prisoner. But beneath the shadow of the moon as his people ran frantically around him, he watched me leave and didn't say a word.
The story sits on the tip of my tongue as I stare at Casimir, but I keep it tucked away. I fear it will raise more questions than it answers.
"It doesn't matter what Killian wants," I say finally. "I don't want to run anymore. I don't want to live in constant fear, just waiting for the moment when the cloud takes over completely. I don't want to lose you."
"You don't know if that will happen."
"You're right, I don't. But if the cloud takes Elel, we can flee. But this is our home, our people. And if it spreads to the other countries like it spread to Elel, there will be nowhere left to flee."
Speaking them aloud simultaneously relieves 10 pounds from my shoulders while adding 100.
"What about Samu?"
"He's still unconscious. Nobody has been able to wake him up. The healers think that he's asleep because of something to do with the cloud. Like Ereon did something to him when trying to figure out if he was the cloud piercer. What if we hid and Samu stayed like that forever? Then all of this, these past few months, would be for nothing."
We fall into a thoughtful silence. I lean my head against his shoulder, relishing in the warmth emanating from his skin as he ruminates over my words. I still haven't processed them properly, either.
Casimir's first instinct is to protect me, I know that. He took on that role even before my father's death and unintentionally passed it to him. But it's not the first time he's been torn between protection and respect for my autonomy. I understand the conflict; I'd do almost anything to protect him, too, including doing something I know he wouldn't like.
"Okay," he says eventually, his tone strange like he's not sure he truly means it. I move my head to look up at him, comforted by the warmth in his cool blue eyes. "So, what do you want to do?"
I open my mouth and then close it again, no words rising to the surface. The truth is, I don't know. But admitting that to Casimir only serves to poke more holes in this dangerous agenda I've settled on. But before I can answer, the crunching of a branch draws our attention to the forest edge, both of us reaching for the weapons at our sides.
But it's just Lei gliding towards us, Killian an inch behind. Her eyes narrow as she takes in our stance, Elex stumbling up behind her and standing between us.
"Put the weapons down," Killian says with a raised brow, "it's just us."
"Even more reason to keep them up," I say.
His eyes glint at my retort, but his expression remains neutral as Lei continues her examination of the scene, resting her gaze on the horse which is now standing, poised as if ready to run.
"I didn't expect you to attempt an escape so soon with one of you unconscious." She eyes the carriage. "It appears I was mistaken."
"You're not mistaken." I rise to my feet, brushing the dirt from the front of my pants. "We're not escaping."
"Oh, I know that, you wouldn't even make it a mile before we'd have to save your asses again," she scoffs.
"I mean it." At my words, Elex swings his head in my direction, eyes narrowed. "I'm not going to run. Not this time." I can feel the heat of Killian's gaze, that glimmer in his eyes replaced with something that makes my cheeks burn. "You were right about the cloud. Somebody has to do something, and if I can help in some way, I want to try."
There's a tense silence as she pulls apart my expression, her gaze judging every microexpression. Finally, she speaks. "Well, it would've been much more convenient if you'd decided that before you escaped and almost got yourself killed." She takes a few steps forward. "But you should know I still don't trust you."
"Trust me, the feeling is mutual," I say. I sneak a glance at Killian, but his expression reveals nothing of his thoughts. "So, what now?"
He pushes off the tree to join Lei mere feet away, eyeing up Casimir as if he's about to flee in the trees. It's Elex I'm more worried about, his expression stormy as he stares between Casimir and me.
"Can we talk?" he asks, eyes darting between Casimir and I, tone tense.
"Don't hold back on our account," Killian shrugs.
"In private," he says cooly.
Casimir nods, expression stoic. "We'll pack up the campsite."
"Fine," Lei says. "But take longer than a few minutes, and I'm sending a search party."
Elex turns on his heel, walking back through the trees. I exchange a glance with Casimir, who nos reassuringly before following. I briefly wonder if Elex wanted to talk to me in the first place, glancing back at Lei who tends to the horse.
Shaking my head, I make a start for the treeline, brushing past Killian. He catches my arm, swinging me back around. "Are you sure about this?"
I glance down at where his hand holds my arm, the skin tingling. "I'm not going to run."
"What changed your mind?"
"Does it matter?"
"Yes."
I glance over his shoulder at Lei, but she's occupied with the horse. I lower my voice. "Why'd you let me escape?"
His eyes blaze into mine, neither one of us willing to offer an answer. After a few moments, he lets my arm go, the skin cold in his absence.
"Five minutes," he says, that teasing glint returning to his eye. "Or as Lei says, we're sending a search party."