Emotions Jason had long buried whirled inside of him as he walked into the diner. Memories that for years he had dared not touch began to resurface. And with them feelings that had long died out began to reignite. He tried to force them back, to bury them once again but to no avail. They had returned with a vengeance and would not be easily driven away.
Jason sat at a table as the memories once again played in his mind.
They had been high school sweethearts and he was sure that she was going to be the one that he would spend the rest of his life with. He could never imagine loving anyone as he loved her. She had occupied his thoughts night and day for the three and a half years they dated. She was his world and he was her's.
Then a year after high school a stupid argument between them ruined everything. He could not even remember what the argument was about just that they both said things that they could not put behind them. Guilt stabbed at him as he thought about the words he used that night, words that he still could not believe came from his mouth. Words that he spent years desperately wishing he could take back but never could.
And then sixteen years ago he had attended an alumni function. Cynthia was suppose to come with him but had backed out at the last minute to do something with her sisters. This had not been the first time that her sisters taken priority over him, that she had abandoned him to her family, and it would not be the last. The strain of their marriage had already begun to take its toll on him and he was caught in the grips of misery.
He had started drinking as soon as he got there trying to forget that he was stuck in a loveless marriage. That he was married to a woman who viewed him as an ATM and not a partner. Who expected him to make all the sacrifices but never made one herself.
He had his fourth and fifth drink when he saw her across the gymnasium towards. She smiled at him and he could feel his heart melt. She sat down and they began to talk. And she did not just talk to him but she listened too. It had felt like an eternity since someone actually listened to him.
Soon he felt like that love struck teenage boy again. Not a lonely, hurting, neglected man whose only solace was cheap liquor.
He found himself yearning for her, desiring to feel the way he did when they were sixteen. Wanting to love and be loved. And he soon discovered that she felt the same way too. That she wanted him as much as he wanted her. And not just wanted but needed. She needed to feel alive again.
So even though he knew that it was wrong he gave into his feelings and betrayed his wife. Shame filled him at the memories, how he turned his back on his vows, how he became one of those clichéd husbands that he had judged in the past.
He remembered hating himself for what he did. For being weak and giving into his carnal desires. The next morning he admitted everything to his wife and promised her it would never happen again. To his surprise she forgave him for his transgression and did not his daughter from him. He was relived to be forgiven and decided to work harder to make their marriage work. To be the man that Cynthia could truly love, to be worthy of her again.
It did not take long to find out that she had not forgiven him as she claimed. For several years she acted as he had gotten passed it. They had Jack nine months later and then Nicole a few after that. For awhile they seemed like the perfect couple, a happy family. But then the anger and bitterness soon came out. He soon discovered that his wife had not forgiven him like she claimed. That she resented for what he had done and had decided to make him pay for indiscretion.
So he spent three years being punished for his mistake. Though if he was honest with him he was being punished longed before that. He allowed her to beat him, humiliate him, bash him to her family because he felt he deserved it. He had broken her heart and he deserved all the pain that she inflicted upon him because of it.
Unfortunately Jack also paid the price. It was not enough that she had to punish him. He had to watch her punish Jack too.
He guessed that the reason she felt such hatred and contempt for him was because deep down she knew the truth. The only reason he had stayed was out of a sense guilt. Because of duty and obligation, not because he loved her. And that is why she had so much malice towards him and Jack.
And she was right he thought. I only stayed with her out of remorse for what I had done nothing else.
Of course this now I see how much of a hypocrite she was being. She hated me for cheating on her but was perfectly okay with cheating on me with my own brother. And who knows who else he mused. She used my own guilt to trap me in an abusive marriage while feeling no guilt for how betrayed me over and over again.
Okay stop it he thought. This is not about Cynthia, this is about John. You need to stay focused. You need to stay focused if you want to see your son.
The door then opened and Jason saw her walk in. Once again he felt a rush of emotion. His heart began to race in his chest and his hand began to sweat. He felt himself slowly becoming that teenage boy again.
No he thought. You are not that boy anymore. And she is not that girl you fell love with. That girl is gone. She is the woman that kept your son's existence from you for fifteen years. Who would have been content with you never knowing that you had another son.
Remember that he told himself as he stood. His heart continued to pound in his chest and he found it hard to breath as he said "Hello Lauren."