south carolina
november 1988
***
Zayn
//
I fucking hate America.
All that freedom rings bullshit, all the rude people and the cold ass weather. This isn't the shit I signed up for. I signed up for this country's endless opportunities and left home for the harsh reality of what life actually is.
Life isn't supposed to be barely making ends meet and sleeping in a fucking car. Life isn't playing gigs where the crowds could care less about the performance we give our everything to.
But we are young and my boys and I are freshly legal with only each other to lean on.
Our expectations for the world were higher than they should have been. We were dreamers, and damned determined ones at that, no one could tell us otherwise. Especially when it came to what we loved to do.
New York was the first state we flew to in this God awful country three months ago. But it was just a dead end. Although it was supposed to be the place where lights shined and people never slept, it was vastly overrated.
Because living out of a car in the winter just wasn't cutting it. The gigs, no matter how big they were, just weren't worth it anymore. And just as we were about to give up and pack it up to go back home, Ray found us.
Ray doesn't have a last name on his business card. He's the skinniest motherfucker I've ever met with a tacky mullet and wore those big round glasses that were popular in the 70's. But when he saw one of our gigs, he insisted we make it down south where he promised money and a real guide in the music industry.
So with nothing to lose and no other option, because there's no way we were going home just yet, we got in the car for our trip to none other than South Carolina.
"Where the fuck are we?" I hear Harry groan from the back seat. He leans up from the window, always the last one awake.
The sun cracked through the opened windows and the heat felt good on my skin. The open road ahead of us kept going for miles and miles and I felt like we never would get to our destination.
"South Carolina," Louis calls from next to me just as we pass the state sign.
We all watch out the windows, driving down the streets of a small town and it's nothing impressive like New York. There's no tall buildings or crowds of people, lights didn't shine and things weren't even close to chaotic.
Instead there were small business shops, a few gas stops and a grocery store. Cars drive the speed limit, and families walk up and down the side walks and sit on benches.
"Jesus Christ," Harry mutters, looking out the back window.
"Not what I really had in mind to put it lightly," Louis speaks again from the passenger's side.
"This place is shitty, how's that for lightly?" Niall says from next to Harry.
It wasn't even something I found myself taking a second look at. The only thing I cared about was if it was just another dead end.
I catch Harry's eye in the rear view mirror before paying attention to the road again. "This guy better be legit, I didn't drive this fucking far for nothing," I complained, tapping my thumbs on the wheel impatiently.
"At least this place is warmer, we were freezing our balls off in New York," Louis adds, trying to see the light at the end of the tunnel like always.
"Yeah so at least if this one goes down the drain and we're homeless again we won't freeze to death." Niall scoff's sarcastically, and my eyebrows raise in agreement.
I pull into one of the three gas stops when we're almost empty, and everyone needs to take a break from the long journey. I head inside with Louis as Harry pumps gas and Niall goes to the bathroom.
Some country song plays on the speaker and the place smells like fried food and cleaning supplies. Louis heads for the drinks while I grab breakfast burritos and a pack of cigarettes. Putting my shit on the counter, the guy at the register is asleep so I have to ring the service bell repeatedly until he finally wakes up.
As he slowly rings me up, a voice calls "Hey," and I look over. A tall girl with bleached blonde hair mixed with blue streaks stands next to me.
"Hi," I cleared my throat, carefully analyzing her.
Her black dress is short and she matches it with a pair of platformed boots. Her eyes are big and brown, and her sunglasses pulled back the hair out of her sun-freckled face. She snaps her gum and curves her lips as I practically stare.
"You dropped these," She holds up my car keys and when I don't move I feel as she takes my hand from my side and hands me the set. With her fingertips buzzing on mine, I nod at her in thanks before leaning away.
"You new around here or something?" Blue tip's continues the conversation even when I say nothing else.
"Kind of," I finally answered, turning to pay the clerk.
"You look like you're just passing through, this place isn't exactly a tourist attraction," Her voice is smooth as she continues to stare at me like I'm some strange creature.
Tipping my sunglasses down back on my nose, I give her a smirk. "I guess we'll have to see," I shrugged, grabbing the plastic bag.
The chum behind the register goes back to sleeping without a care as I make my way out of the door before noticing as the girl follows after me.
Leaning against the wall, she stands close as I pull the carton of cigarettes from the bag and tap the ends on my palm. Lighting up the stick from my mouth, her eyes lock on mine. I look from the heavy eyeliner under her eyes to her black chipped nail polish and then to the tiny hoop in her cartilage.
She holds her posture high and her stare is daring as she says "Can I bum one of those off of you?"
Her confidence makes me snicker as I hand her one and she places it between her lips just as the door to the store opens again.
Behind the ring of the bell a girl a few inches shorter walks out. Her hair is kind of blonde, kind of reddish and her large rounded glasses are the prescription kind but her Kiss band t-shirt is cool.
Her eyes switch between the girl and I as she steps forward carefully. "Ready, Li?" She hands blue tip's a red icee as her plastic bag holds every kind of sweet you can think of.
The girl with my cigarette between her lips nods, but not before turning her eyes to me again. "I never got your name," she says, and I watch as she takes the stick and places it behind her ear instead.
Blowing the smoke from my mouth, I smirk as I say "Zayn," holding out my hand for her to shake.
"Just Zayn?" She wonders, and I nod. "Cool, nice to meet you Zayn, I'm Juliet." She smiles a smile I knew I'd never forget, and her eyes had a certain meaning behind them.
Juliet rings in my head. This girl was the type of girl you wrote songs about. I just didn't know it yet.
"Hopefully I see you around, Juliet." I nod at her and start to walk back towards the car.
"Who the hell was that?" Harry asks as I hand him a burrito and the pack of cigarettes. I shrug.
"Our new biggest fans?" I smirk and he pushes my shoulder as we share a laugh.
***
Two months later we got our own apartment and a management deal. We play crappy gigs but the pay is better than New York, and we kind of start to make it in this small town that weirdly starts to grow on me.
This afternoon we officially signed with Ray and of course we had to go out afterwards to celebrate.
Our new boss suggests we drive three hours to a nightclub way outside of town, where the city is a different world. People crowd every inch of the building, waiting in long lines for hours, but since Ray had connections with the bouncer we got in pretty quickly.
Drink after drink and line after blunt, the music is loud and the night is alive. The club is all high ceilings with flashing lights and the air brings a sense of a euphoric atmosphere.
I don't remember the time in between drinks or how I got here or there. We're barely there for three hours before Louis is off chatting it up with some waitress and Niall's got his tongue down some other girls and Harry—
"Where the fuck is Harry?" I lift my head up from the couch cushion.
"Who's Harry?" The blonde smiles in front of me.
We're in a dark corner of the club, the music is still booming from downstairs but less people crowd around.
The room spins and so does my mind and I forget what we're talking about. I let her run her fingers up my leg and nibble on my ear while I downed another shot.
Time passes and I'm down on the dance floor again. This time I'm with another girl, our hips moving together with hundreds of other bodies, lost in the feeling of the moment and the bass of the music.
More time passes and I'm finally catching up with everything my body has endured since the beginning of the night. I make it to the bathroom before I empty out my stomach into the toilet.
Sitting myself up against the wall with a pounding head, my stomach finally settles as the door to the bathroom swings open, the music and the chaos echoing off of the walls.
"Zayn?" Harry calls as the heavy door shuts "You good?" There's humor in his tone and I can picture the smirk on the fuckers face.
"Peachy keen, jelly bean," I grunt out sarcastically as he stands outside the stall door.
"This cures wonders," His hand reaches underneath the door and hands me a blunt.
I smirk, grabbing it and slowly standing up before unlocking the door and stepping out. As he starts to light up I wash out my mouth and dry my hands as he passes the joint to me, and as soon as the smoke hits my lungs, my mind calms and my stomach settles.
Our eyes heavy and brains numb, we stay in the bathroom for a few extra minutes. My stomach hurts from laughing at something I can't remember, and I watch as Harry writes our band name on the wall.
It reads: 'ONE DIRECTION WAZ HERE' while I added 'Y'ALL WILL KISS MY ASS ONCE IM FAMOUS'
It gets us talking all about the future and how far we've come and where we will go. We talk about the possibilities and the dreams that come with them.
"We can do whatever the fuck we want now man. We just gotta bullshit in this town for a while, get our name out there and then we're fuckin' golden," My boy starts to tell me, eyes bright with ambition.
"This might just be our fucking peak, so we gotta enjoy it before shit gets too crazy," We finish the blunt and forget this conversation before we're back out in the crowds of chaos and commotion.
Everything is flashing lights and music that pounds in my ears and stomach. I'm with my band downing more shots. I'm with random girls. I'm here and I'm there and none of it matters.
I'm warped in time and everything skips by me in broken montages ending as the credits roll by and then everything goes black.
My eyes peaked open and my head throbs as soon as the white light burns my irises.
Sitting up on my mattress, I realize I'm back in the apartment but I don't remember getting here. The room Louis and I share is empty, and the door hangs wide open as I hear clatter from the kitchen.
Stepping out in last night's clothes, my sneakers still remain on my feet as I turn the corner watching as Louis shuts the refrigerator. "We're out of milk," he scratches his head and sets his empty tea mug on the counter.
"Do you remember getting home last night?"
I questioned him, running my hand through my own head of sleep knots.
"No, not really. I mean, you must remember driving us home though, right?" Blue eyes look at me questionably but I shake my head in response.
There's a beat of silence before we hear a voice from the living room. "Why the fuck are you guys being so loud this early?" Niall calls, and I turn to check the time. 1:00 p.m.
"Where's Harry?" I then questioned as I looked between the two of them, but they both just shrugged.
"God damn, my brain feels like its being pulled through my fucking eye sockets," Niall groans as he goes to pour himself tea but then Louis tells him we're out of milk.
"Did Harry come home with us last night?" I've checked the entire apartment at this point as the two guitarists lounge their hangovers on the couches.
"Probably, unless he went home with someone," Louis mindlessly flips through channels on the television.
There's a deep feeling in my gut, it makes me sick and not because I'm hungover. It was like I knew something was wrong, but I just couldn't put my finger on it. To cure my nerves I pat my pockets for my smokes, and grab the carton from my jeans, but as I do a slip of paper falls out with it.
There's nothing on it except for a phone number. I grab the kitchen phone off the hook and punch in the digits waiting for the line to pick up as it rings slowly.
"Thank fuck," Harry suddenly says into the receiver. My heart basically drops to my knees.
"Harry?" I whisper into the receiver, looking around for any listening ears.
"Took you long enough, I thought you were dead. Are Niall and Louis alright?" He doesn't give me a chance to process as he starts his questions first.
"Harry what the fuck is going on? Where are you?" I started mine too.
"Are the boys okay?" he repeats definitively.
"Yeah, they're fine. What the fuck is going on?" I ask again, rather impatiently now.
"I don't really have a lot of time to explain, I'll be back in a few days. Just keep this between us, okay?" There's something in his voice, something that pleads and rings like fear.
The feeling in my gut intensifies and I really feel sick now. Something was wrong. "Not until you tell me what the fuck is happening—"
"You know all that shit with my dad?" He then cuts me off. I go quiet. "Well this is bigger than that. I think I found a way around it all, but I'm just gonna need you to trust me, man." His lowered voice quivers at the end, and there's something in his words only I'll ever understand.
My mind boggles with things that could be, and I wanna fucking shake him through the phone because this anticipation is killing me. But I don't lose my patience with him like I usually do. I know this is much deeper than that.
"Okay," I agree, because it's what we do.
"I'll call you from this number in a few days, stay by the phone and don't say shit to the boys," His words are quick and behind them are voices in the background but before I can make out what they're saying the line goes dead.
Two days go by without a word and I'm practically scratching at my skin trying to keep myself silent.
Good thing for me, Niall and Louis are always in their own worlds. Worried about little things that don't matter and everything in the world is a joke to them when they have no real problems. They questioned our lead singer's whereabouts, but I just play it off like it's nothing and the forever followers always just go with it.
But when the phone never rings, I consider calling him myself. I don't get the chance though, because as soon as the front door opens that evening I get my answer.
In all his glory, Harry's tall and strides in like he was never gone. We make eye contact before he's turning towards the hallway and disappearing into his room.
I get up from my spot on the couch, leaving the football game on as Niall and Louis exchange the same glance.
I step into the room, watching as my childhood friend is covered in bruises like he has been his whole life. "What the fuck," is the first thing I say.
"I'm gonna shower," Is all he says back, avoiding my eyes as he steps around me to leave.
I block the doorway as I cross my arms in front of me. "You wanna explain to me what the fuck is going on?" I glare at him but there's something unrecognizable in his eyes.
I've seen him fucked up before. I've seen him so far gone beyond belief, slurring over his words and puking his guts out. But nothing like this, nothing is like this stranger standing in front of me with blacked out bottomless eyes sending me a cold smile.
"Don't worry about it, I've got it handled," He shrugs, managing to step around me and head towards the bathroom.
"Got what handled, where the fuck have you been, man?" I push at his shoulder to get his attention but he's just like a statue as he doesn't budge.
"Hey—" As soon as I grab his arm he's grabbing at the collar of my shirt, and punches me clean in the nose.
I get knocked to the ground out of force and I'm too shocked to react. But I'm quick on my feet as my boys rush from the living room, wide eyed and confused. My nose bleeds and my head rings, and the person I'm looking back at acts indifferent.
"Stay out of my shit from now on, every single one of you," Bruises cover under his eye and his lip is cut and knuckles are cracked and bleeding.
"What the fuck is your problem— Niall starts to say
"No questions, and nobody gets hurt." Harry gives us one final glare before shutting the bathroom door.
My heart pounded in my chest, rage and pain beating in my veins. And after that I knew nothing would ever be the same again.
***
Weeks of silence pass by. We play our gigs and earn our money, and eventually Harry moves out of the apartment. He says he's got his own place outside of town, but I know he's sleeping in his car and spends his extra earned money on something else.
Like trained dogs, our guitarists stay silent around their leader. They shut up and don't ask questions and carry on with their friendships while ignoring every sign of danger he gives off.
But I couldn't even stand being in the same room as him for more than a minute. I wasn't gonna go back to normal with this many secrets between us and let him walk all over me.
I'd had his back since we were eight. I stood up for him and put up with the shit he went through when he had nobody else. We would get into our fights and nothing was ever too serious between us. All was always forgiven and forgotten, no matter what because we both did fucked up things.
But this time I didn't understand what he was going through, because for the first time in thirteen years of our friendship, he shut me out. I didn't understand what he's out there doing or what kind of secrets he's keeping and I think this is the break for the two of us.
Until one afternoon when we're all at the bar before a show, and the news channel blares from the small television. A missing girl appears on the screen, her face scattering my mind and then realization hits me like a fucking truck.
And as soon as it does Harry's following me outside when I need air and a cigarette.
I give him one look once we're alone. "Cut the bullshit and explain," I tell him, and he does.
"That missing girl worked for the owner of that club, Liam Payne. That Saturday, you got into a fight with one of his guys, and she escaped. I negotiated with Payne, he was gonna kill you." he says, and it all comes back to me like a broken montage.
"Why don't I remember any of that?" I then asked.
I watch as he pauses. "Payne had you and the boys drugged and sent you guys back to the apartment so you wouldn't remember shit about the night." he explains. "I put that number in your pocket so I would know if he killed you guys or not, I didn't know if he'd actually ever let me go."
"So what, you work for him now? Because of me?" I felt sick. I inhaled the stick between my lips like my life depended on it, working through it in no time before lighting another one.
"Don't worry about saying thank you," Harry inhales more calmly than I am, seeming to be at ease with this information at this point.
I start to freak fuck out. "Are you fucking insane? You can't do this shit man, I'm not gonna let you-"
"Let me? It's too fucking late, Zayn." He sort of laughs, and it's bitter. I see what this does to him.
"There's gotta be something we can do, some sort of deal—" I start to say.
"It's not like he doesn't pay me, he pays me a lot," And he starts to reason, like that will make any of this okay. "I need the money, you know I do," he then says.
"What so, he gets to beat the shit out of you for fun? Oh but don't worry, he pays you so it's not a big deal?" I look at him like he's lost his mind, and maybe he has.
"I sell some of his drugs, and every once in a while he throws me in the ring for some extra cash," His eyes are blown out black, and there's nothing behind them as I watch him shrug uncaringly.
"I'm not just gonna let you take the fucking fall for me, I'm gonna go in there and—"
"You're not gonna do shit," Harry cuts me off, green eyes blazing and fists shaking. "Listen to me Zayn, fucking promise me you're never gonna go back to that club again. I've got it handled, trust me you'll be walking into a fucking blood bath—"
"This shit isn't right Harry, how the fuck am I supposed to let you do this to yourself, knowing I'm the cause of this—"
"It's only for a few months. I'm just selling drugs dude, I'm not out here killing people." He scoffs a laugh like it's a joke. He plays it off like it's nothing, but I see through him.
"We sold shit all the time back home remember? It's the same shit, you just have to trust me alright?" He started to plead with me.
"What about the guys, are you gonna tell them this?" I ask, crossing my arms.
"There are some things better left unsaid," Harry says, and I know he's right.
There's a beat of silence as I look at him. My best friend I've known my whole life, the one who's had my back through everything. I didn't like this idea, but I knew I wasn't gonna convince him otherwise. He was the most stubborn person I've ever fucking met.
"It's just for a few more months right, and then you're done?" I questioned and watched him nod.
"Yeah, man. I'm not gonna be in this shit forever, I just gotta play these cards right and everything will go back to the way it was." He reassured me.
And for some stupid fucking reason, I actually believed him.
Because months pass, and then a year and he still shows up with bruises that get worse and worse. He can't function without the drugs in his system, and the devil's got his hooks in him so fucking deep.
I try to reason with him, believe me I fucking try. But the more I do, the more I just push him away. I don't give up, but at some point you reach your breaking point and I realize he's far too gone for my help.
This is our new reality, and it dawns on me everyday that he's like that because of me, and there's not one fucking thing I can do about it.
***
A/N
10k.... oh my god...THANK YOU🫶🏻
also I wanted to try out Zayn's POV but it's not my best work and i feel kinda insecure about this chapter so I apologize if it sucked.
working on thirty two now though :)
-J