CW: implied alcohol abuse.
~~~~~~~~~
Andy had locked himself in his room.
He knew his boyfriends were worried about him, but he couldn't entirely bring himself to care enough to open the door and let them in. It seemed like too much work―and all they'd want to do was talk, make sure he was okay.
He didn't want to talk.
And he definitely wasn't okay.
Every time he closed his eyes, the memory of the night of CC's turning rose in front of him. It was fragmented, but vivid, haunting him like a vengeful ghost. A flash of purple roses. The warmth of CC's skin as he sank his fangs in. The sweet rush as CC's blood, tainted with all the alcohol he'd consumed that night, hit him. CC's smile, like nothing was wrong, like he wasn't about to keel over from blood loss. The way he'd fallen, the fear in his voice. Jake's blood dripping onto his lips before they buried him. The agonizing hours of waiting, paralyzed, memories of his own turning battling with the fear and confusion and pain and worry that he wouldn't wake up.
And always, always, those same two cursed words: My fault.
Logically, somewhere, Andy knew it wasn't his fault, not really―but he was about as far from thinking logically as he could be at the moment, and with his anxiety compounding matters, everything was drowned in that terrible, irrational certainty that it was his fault―and worse still, that CC blamed him for it.
He'd only come out of his room once, and that was just long enough to retrieve a blood packet from the fridge. He didn't respond to any of his boyfriends' attempts to talk to him, and avoided looking at CC at all costs. He was so sure he'd find an accusing stare, a blame in his eyes for taking away his life, an anger like the kind Andy had felt so often in the early days.
He was still amazed Jake and Jinxx had put up with him with seemingly infinite patience back then. He'd been stubborn and angry and tried to run away multiple times―though looking back on it, Andy realized none of those plans had been very well-thought-out, since he knew virtually no one outside his family and he hadn't wanted to let them see him like this. But somehow, unfailingly, Jake and Jinxx had remained patient and taught him how to control his new strength, his new speed, his hunger―how to be a vampire, even when he really didn't want to learn.
Andy well remembered that anger, how hostile he'd been, how much he'd initially despised Jake and Jinxx for trying to save him when he didn't want to be saved. He was terrified, against all reason, despite CC's reassurances by his graveside that night, that he would look at CC and see that same anger directed at him.
Being shut in his room with nothing to do except think and try to fight the memories meant Andy had been spending a lot of time alternatively staring at his ceiling and reorganizing to try and take his mind off of everything. He was bored, there was no denying it, but he couldn't go out there and face his boyfriends, not when he couldn't get his own head on straight, not when he was still so scared. My fault. My fault. My fault.
He must have rearranged his closet (which was difficult, as most of the shirts he owned were black) at least a dozen times, reorganized his comic collection (which was mostly Batman) at least ten, and actively rearranged his furniture (which couldn't have been pleasant for his boyfriends, especially CC, to hear) at least twice. It helped―certainly it helped, to get his excess energy out and temporarily distract him, but when the task was done he fell right back into his own mind. It was hell.
He should have been working on the album. Now that they'd confirmed they would be working with John Feldmann, writing their songs should be their top priority. But Andy worked best when he was bouncing ideas off the others, and at the moment, that semed like an impossible thought. And so his notebook lay untouched on his bedside table.
Nights blurred into days blurred into longer nights. Andy found himself wishing he could sleep, but afraid of what he'd find when he closed his eyes, afraid the same flashes of memory would haunt his unconscious mind as much as they did his waking one. Wishing he could focus long enough to work without the memory of CC's expression as he fell pressing against the corners of his mind. Wishing he wasn't built in such a way that he couldn't deal with his shit like a normal person, wishing he wasn't so afraid to talk to the men he loved the most, wishing it would all just stop.
The flash of crimson eyes, warm blood trickling down his back from the cuts and scrapes he'd given himself struggling against the wall, fangs in his throat, helpless to a creature he hadn't known existed―
No. He didn't need memories of his own turning crowding his head again, not now, not mixing with CC's―warm, bright, beautiful CC, who never should have been in that position to begin with, who'd been drunk and too kind for his own good.
He would wake, screaming, every time he drifted off. Every time the memories overcame him. He'd scream and scream, half-convinced he was still in that alley, that this was all just some horrible nightmare and he'd wake to find himself still losing blood in the clutches of that damned pretty stranger with the beautiful laugh.
Was CC waking in a cold sweat, now? Remembering the terror of waking up buried in a shallow grave, the confusion, the desperate need to get out? The hunger upon emerging, the painful pangs, the metallic taste of blood somehow soothing his throat? Was he blaming them, blaming him, even now, for turning him without consultation?
I didn't have a choice, Andy wanted to cry. None of us did! We were drunk, we weren't thinking, and then he died and we couldn't lose him like that, we couldn't―I couldn't!
But it was no use yelling when the only person he was fighting was himself.
He'd scream and scream, and Jinxx would come running. Eventually Jake would too. They would run in and wrap him in their arms and reassure him that he was safe, he was safe, he was safe. They would talk, about everything and nothing, about their own immortal lives, the things they'd seen, the people they'd met―talking and talking until he calmed down, until he was able to pull away from their embrace and mumble an apology for being so weak, so fragile. An apology that they always assured him was never necessary, but that he always mumbled anyway.
I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. My fault. My fault. My fault. It would never be enough to make up for what he'd done, even if he said it until the words stopped having any meaning. Forgive me. Forgive me. Forgive me.
He was on the floor, his back pressed to the wall, his knees drawn up, his head in his hands; too much, too much, too much. If only his mind would let him be. If only he could stop replaying that night. If only, if only, if only.
They would hold him until he was calm, and then continue to hold him long after, making sure he was okay. Gradually, he began to associate them with safety, with warmth and love. They were different, when they came to him: Jake was strength, surety, a whispered promise of protection and safety; Jinxx was quieter, as he always was, offering solace and protection and empathy. Andy came to lean on them both, and eventually, when the nightmares finally ceased, he offered his own strength in return, an infinite thank-you.
"Andy?" A knock at the door, accompanied by Jake's voice. He sounded pained. "Andy, please come out. It's Jinxx."
Andy raised his head and stared at the door, his brow furrowing. Jinxx? What was wrong with Jinxx?
"Andy, please," Jake said, and his voice sounded close to breaking. "It's...it's bad."
Concerned, Andy finally rose to his feet, crossed the room, and opened the door. Jake looked a little surprised that he'd actually gotten up.
The guitarist was a mess. His hair was tangled and all askew, and he looked exhausted―something Andy wasn't used to seeing, especially considering that they were vampires. He also looked like he'd been drinking, but he seemed sober enough now.
"You look like shit," Andy said bluntly, though he knew his concern was audible in his voice.
Jake offered him a tired smile. "Kinda feel like shit too. It's been a rough week without you." He sighed, the smile fading. "It's been a rough week regardless."
Andy reached for him; Jake accepted his hand, and Andy realized how much he'd missed how often they did this in a sudden flash at the contact.
"What's going on?" Andy asked, his eyes searching Jake's tired face for some sort of clue. "What's wrong with Jinxx?"
Jake bit his lip; Andy could see his fangs. "He, um...just come downstairs."
Andy was definitely worried now, but let Jake lead him out of his room and down the stairs into the living room.
What he saw made him swear under his breath. Jinxx was on the floor, apparently unconscious, a shattered glass just beyond his outstretched hand, a small bloodstain from what he'd been drinking soaking into the floorboards. CC knelt beside him, evidently unsure what to do, though looking no worse for the wear than a week-old fledgling vampire should.
"Fuck, what happened?" Andy asked, kneeling beside CC and reaching out to rest a hand on Jinxx's shoulder.
"He drank too much, I think," CC said quietly. "He's been drinking pretty much nonstop since we got home a week ago. It finally caught up to him."
Jake joined them on the floor. "I just texted Kian," he said. "He's on his way. He told us to stay with him in case he wakes up―though I don't think that's likely, given how much he was drinking."
"Hasn't his healing kicked in?" Andy asked. "To get rid of the effects?"
CC shook his head. "We don't know. He just―he was fine one moment and down here the next. We can't wake him up."
Andy cursed. "Is this my fault?" My fault. My fault.
Jake shook his head, his eyes wide, and reached for Andy's hand again. "No. It's not your fault, don't you dare go blaming yourself, this had nothing to do with you." He looked back at Jinxx's lifeless form. "It's been getting bad for weeks, but I think CC's turning pushed him over the edge."
A knock sounded at the door, and Andy was on his feet in an instant, heading over to get it. "It's Kian," he called, and gratefully let the doctor in, privately thinking that he must have run straight from the hospital to get here so fast.
"Where is he?" Kian asked, straight to business, a grave expression on his eternally young face.
"Living room," Andy told him, and led Kian back through.
Kian shook his head, brown hair falling in his face, at the sight before them as they emerged. "Oh, dear. Not again." He sighed and strode into the room. "Someone move over, I need room."
He went to his knees beside the unconscious guitarist as both Jake and CC stood up and stood back. Andy, feeling a panic attack threatening, turned and headed outside onto the back deck to get away from this second solemn, worrying scene in a week.
The night air hit him in a rush, and Andy closed his eyes as he reached the railing, letting the cool winter night refresh him. It did nothing to dispel the dark cloud of worry and memory hanging over him, however, and so he reopened his eyes and dug in his pockets for the pack of cigarettes that was never far away. He pulled them out gratefully―he was never far away from these things for a reason―and carefully extracted one. He flipped the pack closed and dropped it back in his pocket, his fingers now in search of a lighter; finding one, he clicked it open and lit the cigarette he'd taken. He took a grateful drag, and looked up at the few stars he could see in a city as light-polluted as L.A. as he exhaled, blowing smoke into the sky.
"Mind if I join you?"
Andy turned, lowering his cigarette away from his lips, to find CC leaning against the doorframe, looking rather apprehensive.
"Sure," he said carefully, and CC walked out to join him at the railing, a similar situation to when they'd had that conversation about Christmas lights all those months ago.
"Want one?" Andy offered, the same way he had that night.
"I've got my own." To prove it, CC dug a pack out of his pocket, then cursed. "Ah, fuck. Left my lighter inside."
"You can use mine." Andy handed it to him, and CC lit his own cigarette, inhaling before handing the lighter back.
"Thanks."
"No problem." Andy dropped it back into his pocket and turned his attention back to the stars, trying to look anywhere but at the fledgling standing beside him.
CC let the silence stretch for a few moments before he broke it. "Are you okay?"
"No."
CC shook his head. "Yeah, stupid question. You've been locked in your room ignoring all of us all week. Of course you're not okay."
"Then why did you ask?" Andy was aware that sounded rude, but he was nervous.
CC was silent for a moment before replying. "Because you're my boyfriend and I'm worried about you, and I don't know how to talk to people any more than you do."
Andy dared a glance at him. CC's eyes had returned to their usual hazel, though they were dim with tiredness; Andy remembered with a pang how exhausting those first couple of months of being a vampire were. Aside from that, he looked no worse for the wear―certainly better than Jake.
CC reached for the hand that wasn't holding his cigarette, and Andy let him take it, acutely aware of the lack of warmth that had been present before. "Why'd you retreat?" he asked softly, as if reading his mind. "I needed you this week. Jake's been stressed beyond belief, worrying about me and you and Jinxx―it's why he looks like hell. I've told him it's fine, he doesn't need to worry about me, I can figure it out, but―" CC shrugged. "He's Jake, y'know? He's gonna take it on himself. Especially 'cause he's the one that gave me his blood―I don't know, it feels like there's some sort of deeper bond between us now."
Andy looked away from the fledgling's searching gaze. "Yeah. The sire bond. You're fortunate in that you don't have to go searching for yours―most of us do. I still haven't found mine."
"You didn't answer my first question," CC said, not unkindly.
Truthfully, Andy didn't want to. He took another drag to stall for time and to try and calm his nerves; he could face this, right?
"I'm scared," he said finally, determinedly avoiding CC's gaze. "I'm scared to face what I've done―the reality of turning you, the aftermath, having to teach you how to adapt. I'm scared to face you―you never asked for this, and I..." He swallowed, looked down at the cigarette in his fingers. "I'm so scared you'll hate me."
"Andy." CC's voice was impossibly soft. "It's okay, really. Hey, look at me." Reluctantly, Andy did, and CC's expression was so open and honest that Andy knew even he, with all his anxiety and irrational fears, would have a hard time disbelieving whatever he said next. "Look, Andy, I'm no good with words, but please believe me when I tell you I could never hate you. What happened wasn't your fault. And actually? Now that the confusion's worn off and I've had a week to start adjusting, I don't mind it all that much."
That surprised him. "Really?"
"I mean, yeah," CC shrugged. "Means I can spend eternity with you guys, right? I don't have to worry about getting older while you guys remain unchanged."
Andy considered that. "Immortal life is hard," he warned. "You may find you don't like it all that much."
CC shrugged. "I'll adapt. You guys did." He squeezed Andy's hand. "It's really not your fault, okay? And I don't blame you in the slightest."
Andy offered him a brave attempt at a smile. "Okay."
"Can I kiss you?" CC murmured, letting go of Andy's hand to reach up and gently trace the lines of his face, brushing his hair aside as he did so.
"Yes," Andy breathed, and closed his eyes as CC's lips found his, gentle and slow and deep, effectively erasing Andy's fears. CC's hand ended up buried in his short hair; Andy's free one crept forward and fisted in CC's shirt, keeping him close.
CC took his time pulling away, and Andy let himself savor it, trying to keep him there. CC chuckled softly at his attempts.
"You know, it's kind of nice not having to breathe," he remarked. "I can kiss you as long as I want without having to worry about running out of air."
Andy grinned despite himself. "See? There are some perks to being dead."
CC shook his head, chuckling, and brought his cigarette back to his lips. "Now that's something I never thought I'd hear."
Andy laughed. "Not something I ever thought I'd say, either, but here we are."
CC kissed him again, and Andy could taste the smoke from the cigarette on his tongue. "So does this mean you're going to come back downstairs now?" CC asked.
Andy smiled and tilted his head back, taking another drag off his own cigarette as CC ducked his head to press kisses down his throat. "Yeah." His smile faded as he remembered what was going on inside. "I hope Jinxx is okay, though. Gods know we don't need him falling apart too."
CC kissed him on the lips again; Andy was beginning to think he'd been starved for affection all week with the way he'd taken Andy's "yes" as an invitation. "Yeah..." He shook his head. "That was definitely a shock, man. Like...I know he hasn't exactly been okay since my turning either, but...it's Jinxx. He's the last person I'd have expected to drink too much, y'know? Ashley, maybe, but never Jinxx."
Andy nodded sagely, understanding. "It's jarring, alright." He took another drag, staring forlornly out across his backyard, not seeing any of it. "I've seen him shut down before. It was never as bad as this. Granted, maybe that's because we didn't know about the whole tainted-blood thing until fairly recently, but...he's never been self-destructive before. Usually when he shuts down he just retreats and plays his violin for hours on end. I've spent more than one day falling asleep to the sound of his violin as the sun came up. He'd play whatever he was feeling out of his system and be fine."
CC smiled at him, though it looked rather melancholy, stained with worry. "You guys really got close, didn't you?"
Andy shrugged. "No closer than I am with Jake, or with Ash." He frowned, reconsidering, then corrected, "Well―maybe a little closer. He was the one that came in to talk to me a lot in the early days, the first person to put up with me." He grinned ruefully. "I wasn't exactly the most cooperative fledgling." He sighed, the grin fading. "No, you can ask Jake too, or Ash for that matter―we could all hear it, we could all tell. He would always turn to his violin. Now..."
CC rubbed Andy's shoulder comfortingly. "Yeah. I get it, man."
They fell into silence, but it was much more comfortable than the one that had settled over them when CC first walked out. CC's hand returned to his, their fingers intertwining; Andy smiled at him, grateful his mind had finally quieted with CC's reassurances.
Jake appeared in the doorway behind them a few minutes later, when Andy's cigarette was almost out. "Kian's finished," he said. "Come back in."
He disappeared, and Andy exchanged a glance with CC. Together they snuffed out what remained of their cigarettes and tossed the remains in the firepit that had quickly become an ashtray, then turned―still hand-in-hand―to head back inside and see what Kian had made of their violinist.
―――――――――――――――
Jake was pacing when Andy and CC emerged back into the living room. In fact, he hadn't really stopped pacing since Kian got here, but he had migrated to the small foyer space to do so when Kian ordered him out so he could focus on helping Jinxx.
Kian sat back on his heels at the sight of Andy and CC. "Ah, there you are."
"So what's going on?" Andy asked, and Jake glanced at him in surprise―he must have talked with CC, to be so direct now, when all he'd done earlier was retreat.
"Jinxx will be fine," Kian told them, redirecting Jake's attention. "But he's going to have to go to rehab for a few days."
"Rehab?" Jake echoed. "Does that exist for vampires?"
"It does," Kian nodded. "Though it's not rehab in the same sense as the humans make it. It's essentially just a place he can retreat to let his body purge itself of the alcohol, and to come to terms with himself and the fact that he can't keep consuming it. He has to get clean."
"Why? What happens if he keeps drinking?" CC asked.
Kian shrugged. "I'm not entirely sure―vampires can't get alcohol poisoning, after all, and I've never personally encountered this―but I've heard of other cases like this. All I know is that a relapse could be very dangerous." He frowned. "Not least because this is the second time he's relapsed."
"The second time?" Jake questioned, confused. "We only found out about the drinking thing like two years ago. I thought it was the first he'd heard of it."
Kian shook his head. "I'm not talking about as a vampire. I've known him a long time, and while he was still human he had issues with alcohol. They didn't seem like a big deal, at first, and he―well, he's Jinxx, he was very good at keeping it quiet. But I found him one night almost exactly like this―gods, I thought he was dead. Got him to a hospital, or what passed for one back then, and they told me he had overdone it on the drinking, that he had to give it up before it killed him. Rehab didn't exist back then, so I was pretty much the person that helped him through the withdrawal. Everything was fine for a few years, until just a few nights before his turning, when I found him drunk off his ass. A stress relapse, I think―he loathed Arianna's plan with every inch of his being, but he wasn't about to let her walk in alone. I all but forced him to get clean again in the next few days, and then, well...it wasn't a problem after that."
Silence greeted the end of Kian's story. Jake exchanged shocked glances with Andy and CC. Jinxx had never mentioned anything about an alcohol problem before. Perhaps it had been so long that he'd willingly forgotten.
"Well," Kian said, apparently sensing the awkwardness. "I can do some digging and try to figure out exactly what would happen if he relapses again now that he's a vampire, in case he ever needs a reminder."
"Yeah, that might be helpful," Andy said, recovering first. "Where do we send him?"
Kian frowned. "Not sure, actually. I'll ask a friend and text you the place." He sighed. "I'm sorry I can't be of more help, but there's not really anything I can do. And I've got to get back to the hospital."
"It's okay," Jake said, still a little numb from Kian's story. "Thank you for coming anyway."
Kian smiled at him, then let his gaze travel to CC. He ran a hand through his hair and studied the fledgling thoughtfully. "So you turned him, huh?"
"Not on purpose," Jake said. "It...was an accident."
"But I'm cool with it," CC added quickly as Kian raised an eyebrow, evidently about to inquire. "It's just a lot to get used to."
Kian studied him with intelligent brown eyes. "I can imagine," he said finally. "How are you handling it?"
"Haven't really focused on it too much this last week, to be honest," CC shrugged. "But the guys have all said multiple times that they're going to teach me how to vampire, so I'm covered."
Kian studied him some more, and Jake watched with slight apprehension; he'd known Kian ever since he'd met Jinxx, and he'd never once seen him study anyone quite as intently as he was CC.
Finally, Kian nodded at him. "Good luck to you, then, CC. If you ever have need of me, feel free to reach out."
CC nodded back, looking a little uncertain but also relieved.
Kian bid them goodbye, and Andy saw him out the door. Jake looked back at Jinxx's unconscious form, still reeling from Kian's story. Why didn't you tell me?
"We should move him," he said, hoping his pain wasn't audible in his voice but knowing by CC's expression that it was. "Somewhere comfortable, so he doesn't wake up like...this."
CC nodded. "Agreed. Bedroom?"
"Probably." Oh, Jinxxy. You know I hate it when you scare me like this. Fuck, I wish you would wake up.
Andy reentered the living room. "What are we doing?"
"Moving Jinxx so he doesn't wake up in this position," Jake explained, shaking himself out of his thoughts. "Care to help?"
"Yeah, sure. Your room?" He said that as if they'd ever officially decided.
"Yeah," Jake agreed.
Together, the three of them carefully lifted the unconscious Jinxx off the floor, though any one of them could have done it on his own; navigating up the stairs was an interesting experience, but after a few tense minutes they got up to the room Jake had taken to claiming with no injury and got him settled on the bed.
Jake brushed Jinxx's hair away from his face, frowning down at the other guitarist. "What brought this on, Jinxxy?" he murmured, wondering if Jinxx could even hear him. "Why didn't you tell me?"
He felt a hand on his shoulder and looked back to see it was Andy, standing a little ways behind him. "He'll be okay," he said. "But we should work. We need songs written by the time Feldmann's ready to work with us."
Jake looked back at Jinxx. "I don't want to leave him," he said. "I don't want him to wake up alone―he's probably going to be confused." And I need him to explain why he never said anything about his alcoholism.
"Then we'll get our stuff and come in here," CC shrugged. "It's not a problem."
Andy pressed a kiss to Jake's cheek. "Come on. We'll only be gone for a minute to gather our stuff. We can bring in Jinxx's sheet music too for when he wakes."
Jake nodded, glanced once more back at Jinxx, then followed Andy and CC out of the room. CC headed downstairs immediately to retrieve his sticks and the papers he'd been scrawling notes on; Jake caught Andy's wrist before the singer could move further down the hall to retrieve his notebook from his room.
"I'm glad you're back," Jake said.
Andy smiled at him, though a sadness lingered in the depths of his endless blue eyes. "So am I."
Jake kissed him quickly. "Thank you for coming out," he said. "For being present again."
Andy squeezed his hand. "I can't hide forever. And Jinxx needed me. You needed me."
Jake squeezed back before letting him go and following CC downstairs to retrieve his and Jinxx's stuff, strangely content despite the situation. Andy was back―and hopefully that meant he wouldn't retreat into himself again for a while. And whatever Jinxx was going through, Kian had given him a way out―which Jake hoped he would take. He couldn't stand to lose Jinxx, not now, not after everything they'd been through. But there was hope for recovery, now.
Despite everything, Jake smiled.
―――――――――――――――
Being on tour again felt strange after everything that had happened in the last two months.
It didn't feel like something so normal should still be going on. CC's turning had shifted his whole perception of everything―it was a momentous thing, becoming a vampire, and it rather felt like the whole world should be off-kilter because of it.
His boyfriends assured him this was perfectly normal. "Ask either of the guitarists," Andy said when CC brought it up. "They'll readily tell you I didn't stop feeling that way for like two years." Jake and Jinxx had both corroborated that statement, and given him similar ones about their own experiences. CC wasn't entirely reassured.
They were headed to the UK for tour, and despite feeling so out-of-place CC was excited about the prospect. They'd been through on tour before, obviously, but the fans were always so enthusiastic and welcoming in the UK, and it was always a fun experience. CC figured it was as safe a place as any to be teaching him how to control his new vampire abilities―though seeing as they were on tour and going to be facing large crowds of humans every night, CC wasn't sure anywhere was an entirely safe place to be teaching him how to be a vampire.
That process had certainly been interesting so far. He fed constantly―their fridges on the bus looked like a fully stocked hospital with how much extra blood they'd gotten before they left the States to make sure they could keep him satiated. They all supervised him to make sure he wasn't drinking too much too fast, though even under their watchful eyes he still managed to make a mess. His fangs weren't exactly something he was used to, and it was always a bit of a shock when he felt them; he wasn't entirely sure how they worked, even, as―with good reason―none of his boyfriends had let him anywhere near a human while he was hungry.
His enhanced senses, strength, and speed were another matter entirely. More than once already, he'd accidentally dented something just by gripping slightly too hard; Jake had taken to joking whenever he noticed that he was living up to the rebel name Andy had given him, Destroyer. He hadn't had much of a chance to test the vampire speed, though Andy had promised that once they got back to L.A. he'd take him on a run and show him how it worked. His enhanced senses, once subjected to the rigor of touring again, had started to bother him; seeing and hearing all the chaos so much more fully had led to a number of headaches on CC's part, and a couple of times made him seek refuge back in his bunk on the bus, where it was dark and quiet and less liable to make him want to scream from the overstimulation.
His boyfriends didn't seem to mind any of this, and dealt with it all with a patience that CC wouldn't have thought any of them possessed the temperament to have. Andy would wipe (or sometimes kiss) the extra blood away when he fed and inevitably got messy; Jinxx repaired what he could from CC's accidental destruction and never once did anything other than smile and tell him it was okay when CC tried to apologize; Jake would seek him out when he retreated from all the noise and make sure he was okay, often serving as a living distraction.
CC was back in a dressing room now, hiding from the backstage chaos of the venue as crew members ran around getting everything set. He'd left his boyfriends somewhere in the mix, needing to escape all the movement and noise; mercifully, the dressing room was quiet except for the faint hum of the lights and the dull tapping on the arm of the couch as CC fidgeted with one of his drumsticks.
He had his eyes closed, letting himself recover, and heard the slight shift of footsteps outside the door a second before it opened.
"Ceese?" Jake's voice. CC opened his eyes to find the guitarist standing just inside the room.
"Hey," CC said.
"Mind if I join you?"
CC shook his head, then winced a little as it throbbed; he hadn't even noticed the headache this time. Jake came in and sat down beside him on the couch, his hand instantly wandering to take CC's free one.
"You okay?" Jake asked.
CC shrugged. "I guess."
Jake studied him. "I'd ask what's wrong, but I think I know. Anything I can do to make it better?"
CC thought for a moment, then asked, "Kiss me?"
Jake laughed. "Well, you know I'll never say no to that." He leaned forward to capture CC's lips in the promised kiss, and CC wrapped his arms around Jake's waist, pulling him closer. He felt Jake's grin against his lips, and as he drew away he murmured, "You sure you just wanted a kiss, Ceese?"
CC grinned back at him. "Maybe more than one." He laid back, pulling Jake with him, drawing him into another, longer kiss, unable to suppress a shiver as Jake steadied himself with his hands on CC's waist.
"Do you want to talk about it?" Jake asked quietly when he pulled away. "Presumably you're back here for a reason."
CC sighed. "Yeah, I guess."
Jake stole another quick kiss. "Well, I'm not going anywhere. What's on your mind, Ceese?"
As if he could think straight with Jake laying on him like this. CC thought for a moment, then said, "It's just...too much. Being able to see every little movement, every little detail―that shit gets to be a lot to take in. And the noise―fuck, man, I can't hear myself think over all the little background noise I could never hear before. Even the hum of the lights or the sound system gets annoying after a point. It's―" He cut himself off in surprise as Jake began kissing down his throat, and then down his bare chest.
Jake looked up and grinned at him, his fangs peeking out. "Problem?"
CC laughed and leaned his head back over the arm of the couch, giving him more room to maneuver. "Not at all."
"Please, continue," Jake said, and resumed his kisses.
Right, 'cause I can focus so much better with your lips on my body, CC thought, grinning to himself. "More than anything, though, it's the fucking scent," he said aloud. "You guys never told me human blood smells so sweet―and so strongly! Fuck, man, even if I've freshly fed I can smell it, and it's really hard not to do anything."
Jake winced in sympathy, continuing to kiss him everywhere; in between kisses, he offered a reply. "I remember the scent thing. After a while you just get used to it, but it's going to be that awful for a while. There's nothing I can really do about that except make sure to keep you fed at all times." He smiled. "But there is a way to mitigate the rest."
CC raised an eyebrow, though he was sure Jake couldn't see it since he'd resumed his kisses again. "Oh?"
Jake moved to kiss him on the lips again, and CC responded enthusiastically, tangling a hand in his hair. Jake pulled away grinning. "Yeah. There's a way to mute your senses back down to human level until you're more used to them. We can get you in control of everything else before we go back to the enhanced senses, or gradually have you reintroduce yourself to the insanity human senses can't detect as we train you."
CC scowled; Jake kissed the expression off his face. "That sounds really weird. Train me. I know it's the only real term for it, but it's still awkward."
Jake chuckled softly. "I get it." He pressed a few kisses to CC's jawline; CC didn't know what had possessed him to be so affectionate today, but he was certainly enjoying it. "I'm not sure I can exactly tell you how to mute your senses―it was kind of a subconscious thing for us, I think―but I can do my best and see if it works."
"Please," CC said, and Jake kissed him on the lips again. "You're very good at this distraction thing, you know," he added.
Jake grinned. "I know," he said, and CC laughed.
"Come on, teach me how to do this," CC told him.
Jake considered for a moment, then said, "Just...concentrate on what your human senses felt like, how much duller everything was, how normal it felt. I think it's a matter of willing yourself back down to that level."
CC did as instructed, and could feel the shift as, amazingly, his senses obeyed. "That's really weird, man," he said, reopening eyes he hadn't realized he'd closed and feeling much better now that he couldn't see every small detail. "It worked."
Jake smiled, looking relieved. "Oh, good. You can relax."
CC grinned. "Get back here. I don't think you've quite kissed me enough yet."
Jake laughed and obeyed, finding CC's lips again. They were interrupted a few minutes later by a knock on the door before Andy poked his head in.
"Hey, lovebirds," he grinned upon seeing them. "We're on in ten. Get your asses out here."
Jake rolled his eyes with a fond smile and got up, pulling CC with him. Andy smirked as they made their way back towards him.
"I see you've been having fun," he said.
"Shut up, Andy," Jake and CC chorused, and Jake laughed as he gave Andy a quick kiss before ducking out the door.
Andy shook his head. "You good?"
CC grinned and kissed him, too. "More than. Let's go rock this place."
―――――――――――――――
It was dark on the bus.
They had all of their windows shut and covered, and none of the bus's lights were on. Outside, the world was lit up in sunlight, but inside―particularly the bunks―could have been a coffin for all the light that was let in.
Jinxx liked it that way.
It was a travel day, which meant a sleeping day for the vampires―a chance to catch up on some probably needed rest, despite the fact that technically they could go for weeks without sleeping. It was a good habit to keep, Jinxx thought, sleeping occasionally―though always during the daylight hours when they were traveling or had downtime before whatever show they were playing. Jinxx remembered only a few times in his immortal life that he'd actually slept at night rather than during the day, and usually that was because he was in the company of humans who didn't know his secret.
Or it was supposed to be a sleeping day, anyway, but Jinxx lay awake, unable to sleep.
He wondered, not for the first time as he stared up at the underside of the bunk above him, if it had something to do with his getting clean before they'd left for tour. He'd woken up in the early hours of the morning after the night he'd collapsed to find Jake, CC, and Andy all clustered around the bed, their heads together writing music. When he'd been able to manage a hello, Jake had been instantly on his feet, the other two not far behind him; they'd explained the situation, and what Kian had said, the story he'd told. "Why didn't you tell me, Jinxxy?" Jake had asked, the pain plain in his voice.
Jinxx had offered him a tired smile and replied, "Knew you wouldn't let me drink again. And it'd been so long...I never thought I'd be able to drink again. I never thought it'd become a problem again." I fucked up again, he'd thought to himself as a range of emotions crossed Jake's face. I thought it would be better this time, because I'm a vampire, because my healing takes care of it. I was wrong.
So he'd gone to the place Kian suggested, and spent a hard few days letting his healing fix whatever damage he'd done, if any―for himself, but also for Jake, for Andy, for CC. He'd made a promise, both to himself and to the faerie woman who ran the rehab clinic, that no matter what he wouldn't relapse again, that this time he'd stay clean for real. He'd been clean for almost two hundred and fifty years; he could stay clean again, even with what he now knew about being able to get drunk as a vampire. He'd faced the world, and his problems, without alcohol for centuries; he could do it again. He owed that to Jake, at least, to the others―and, he supposed, he owed it to himself too.
But that didn't mean the withdrawal was easy.
It wasn't terribly dfficult to manage, usually―the staff at the rehab clinic had been helpful in that regard, and with most of it out of his system and his healing working overtime to make sure any lasting effects were combated it didn't really affect him as much―but as he lay awake now, Jinxx had to wonder if it was somehow due to that withdrawal. He wasn't sure, as this didn't entirely feel like withdrawal, but he didn't usually suffer from insomnia either―so what was this?
He was plenty tired―touring took a lot out of a person, and would even wear down a vampire's stamina after a time―but for some indiscernible reason, his mind simply would not turn off. This was quite annoying; Jake, Andy, CC, and Ashley were all fast asleep, so why couldn't he do the same?
Jinxx sighed quietly. He liked the dark and the quiet, at least. A moment of peace in the chaos that had become their lives recently.
Why the fuck can't I sleep?
In the stillness, he heard a sharp gasp and a small yelp, quiet enough that it might not even wake the others but audible. Then a shuffling, as if someone was trying to fight someone else off. Jinxx frowned. He recognized that―Jake had described him doing a similar thing in his sleep whenever his nightmares got bad.
Curious and concerned, Jinxx carefully sat up and drew back the curtain on his bunk. His eyes adjusting quickly to the only-slightly-better-lit bunk area, he scanned the other bunks, trying to see who was in trouble. He wasn't entirely surprised that it was Andy.
Jinxx stood and crossed the aisle to Andy's bunk. "Andy?" he called softly, trying not to wake the others―though he needn't have bothered, as he knew from experience that Jake slept like the dead, Ashley couldn't be woken before he woke on his own if his life depended on it, and CC, as a fledgling, would be just as out cold as the others.
A start from within the bunk, and then Andy's voice, in a brave attempt at sounding normal. "Jinxx? Why are you awake?"
"Can't sleep," Jinxx said. "And apparently neither can you. Can I come in?"
A shuffling, presumably as Andy made room. "Yeah. Come on."
Jinxx drew back the curtain to find an ashen-faced Andy, his blue eyes haunted, watching him from where he'd pressed himself against the wall. He climbed into the bunk, somewhat awkwardly―he may be short compared to the others, but Andy was tall enough that there wasn't a lot of room anyway. Somehow he managed to get himself settled without too much of an issue.
"Hey," he said.
Andy offered him a distracted half-smile. "Hey."
Jinxx studied him, the faraway look in his eyes, the way he almost physically appeared to have drawn into himself even with Jinxx there. He reached up the brush the singer's wayward hair away from his face―even short, it was no less uncooperative than it had been before. "What happened?" he murmured. "I heard you wake."
Andy cast his eyes down, though there was nowhere to look. "Nightmare," he mumbled. "A bad one."
Jinxx could understand that just fine. He pulled Andy into a hug and felt the younger vampire return it gratefuly, burying his face in Jinxx's shoulder.
"Do you want to talk about it?" Jinxx asked, his nose in Andy's hair, thoroughly unused to the sensation given how tall the singer was.
"No." Andy's voice was muffled, but clear. "It's nothing."
"It's not nothing," Jinxx chided gently, remembering many a day where Jake had said the exact same thing when he used that excuse. "But you don't have to talk. Just let me hold you?"
Andy pulled back a little and blinked at him in the darkness, his blue eyes almost glowing in the shadow of the bunk. "Okay," he said, sounding a little wary.
Jinxx tilted his head into the pillow. "What?"
"I...was sort of expecting you to press me for information," Andy admitted. "You'd think after all this time I'd know better, but..."
Jinxx half-smiled and kissed him softly. "It's okay," he said. "You're scared. And we all forget sometimes."
Andy half-smiled back and buried his face in Jinxx's shoulder again. Jinxx felt him press a kiss there as he got settled.
"Thank you," he murmured, already falling asleep again. "For being here."
Jinxx kissed his head, feeling the call of sleep trying to drag him under at last. "Of course, Andy," he replied. "I always will."
―――――――――――――
A/N: So...there's that. I didn't really expect the chapter to go in that direction until it did, but I'm happy with it I think. Dragging Jinxx's alcoholism into this was an idea courtesy of my first commenter over on AO3, catharziz, who informed me of his need for rehab in 2012 and asked if I could delve deeper into it. Not sure this is what they meant, but I was trying to make it work with the whole vampire thing, so this was the result. Hope you enjoyed, as usual. Comments are always appreciated! :)