trigger warning
L E O
12:45 AM, Saturday March 18th-
Moonlight creeped in through the half closed blinds of my bedroom, the pearlescent glow illuminating Charlie's messy dirty blonde hair as soft snippets of breath left him. The room felt strange, not giving me the solace that it had in the past, that, mixed with Charlie's sleep induced hum a cruel reminder that I was, once again, not alone.
His presence, which, with the exception of right now, is more than often welcomed, makes me feel uncomfortable; like a thousand ants are crawling over me, nipping and biting my skin, tearing away my flesh as the weighted pressure in my chest reaches its breaking point.
I love Charlie, I really do, but the fact that I'm not allowed to be on my own during the night, in my own bedroom, fills me with a burning sense of trepidation and dread.
What if he hurts me?
I try to tell myself he won't, the same way I remind myself every night back at the teen home that Oliver won't. But I'm fighting a useless battle, the demons always win, no matter how much of a fight I give.
The one thing that excited me the most at the prospect of coming home, was the fact that maybe, just maybe, I'd be able to get a whole night of peaceful sleep without waking up to my accelerating heart beat and sweat covered sheets.
I thought I'd be alone, that for a moment I'd be free — that I wouldn't need to look over my shoulder, waiting — anticipating the next stab in the back to come. Because it would come, it always does. I thought I would be able to find that sense of comfort and safety I'd been longing for, in the space I'd created for myself many years ago.
I looked forward to basking in the comfort of being alone, surrounded by the things that made this house feel a little bit more like the home I once knew it to be.
It didn't work like that. It never does.
The rise and fall of Charlie's chest from the sofa bed under the window made everything a little too real, too terrifying. I couldn't escape the sound of his breath, or the uncharacteristic look of him hidden under darkened shadows of the night. I couldn't separate reality from hysteria.
The entirety of this place that had once been my sanctuary slowly faded away as the whistling in my ears increased. The hand crafted picture filled walls began caving in, wrapping me tightly in its embrace, suffocating me with all its might in it's vice like grasp. Hollowness and panic swirled into one as my eyes grew wide in terror.
The erratic beat of my heart felt like it bounced off of the enclosing four walls, booming in my eardrums, echoing around my mind like some sort of foreign mantra. The velour teddy bear sheets on my bed suddenly felt like sandpaper against my skin. The drawings and paintings pinned to every inch of my black bedroom walls seemed to call out to me, pulling me back into that same dark place I longed for nothing more than to forget.
It's too much, everything is too much.
I don't know how my legs failed to fail me in my panic stricken haze, I scramble from the bed without giving the room a glance, the harsh beating of my heart made me think my whole body may just combust into flames right here, burning me, searing my skin till I was nothing more than seared embers and ash.
Absentmindedly, I run to the door and twist the knob, uncaring if my erratic behaviour wakes Charlie. I scramble into the hallway, not paying attention to my surroundings as my body collides with another.
A scream and sob both bubble in my throat at once, a choking sound leaving me as I feel the unknown body brush against mine. Skin on skin, scorching, scolding, burning.
Too familiar, too much, too real.
He's not here-
I push to my feet in an instant, my eyes frantically searching for an escape as apprehension swells deep in the pits of my nauseated gut.
A sniffle breaks the magnified, fear coated silence. I look down, my blurry eyes landing on Lily's tear stained face, slowly drifting to bed bloodied thumb.
You hurt her, this is what you do — you hurt people.
"Are you okay?" I hear myself ask, the utter terror clear in my voice. Ignoring the sting of unwanted contact, I offer her my hand and pull her to her feet, eagerly pulling my hand from hers.
Too much touching.
I barely hear her response, too lost in the depth of this reoccurring darkness. Seeing her head nod, I hum lowly and go to move around her, eager for something — anything to take away this feeling I can't seem to forget. She has other plans though, her body moving to block my path.
Talk, talk, talk-
I thin my lips to hide the trembles, I want nothing more than to talk to Lily, but I can't. If I was in a better frame of mind; one where I didn't feel so powerless, then this would be the best time for our conversation to take place; the middle of the night, no interruptions or interference from our siblings. Just her and me.
Just us.
But I'm not, and I fear that maybe I never will be.
I watch her, my heart splintering, fragments of guilt piercing my lungs as she begs me, her eyes pleading with me to just stay. I consider it, I get caught in a mental fight between my heart and head, preparing for the two to work as a team instead of remaining pitted against one another. But, like everything in my life, the battle is pointless. Fear always wins.
"I..." I try to speak, my voice betraying me. She begs again, eyes seeking mine. I pull my eyes from her identical set, finding safety behind her shoulder.
The crack in her voice unearths me, I float into this bubble of nothingness. My feelings and fears crumble before me, leaving me emotionless and numb.
Shaking my head, "I'm sorry," I croak, throat dry. The imposter voice sounds nothing like my own. There's no apology in my tone, no love, nothing but numbness until her cries reach my ears.
Forcing my feet to keep moving, I walk around her, my steps slow and unforgiving as the cries ring louder, breaking my heart with the longing each cry holds.
I pause when I reach a safe enough distance from her, leaning my forehead against the wall, I take a deep breath, followed by another, then another, until my heart finally slows in its unforgiving battle.
Thirty seconds later, I find myself tiptoeing after her. I don't know why I'm following her, maybe I want to see if she's okay, or maybe I had to witness the devastation I seem to always cause for myself.
I listen as she breaks down, admitting all the hurt I'm causing her to our elder brother. This time, the guilt consumes me in the form of thunder; booming, loud and unforgiving. That guilt only continues to manifest as Greys words strike me like a lightening bold. His voice is hard as he speaks, the plead clear in his tone, as is the frustration.
I force myself to move from the spot where I've hidden my body in the shadows. My eyes water, tears threatening to fall with each aching step I take. I pause, breathing laboured. My hands reach for the pack of cigarettes in my pocket, eager for a stress reliever.
I can't go downstairs, I know as soon as my feet reach the bottom landing someone would hear me, if by some chance they didn't, they definitely would hear the alarm disable.
Out of all my siblings, Alex's room was the only one with access to the roof, so instead of listening to the voice in my head that urged me to throw caution into the wind and go downstairs, I went with my gut instead.
—
Light shines through the base of Alex's bedroom door, low voices ringing out from behind the wood. I shuffle on my feet, raising and dropping my hand three times as I battle against the conflict in my mind.
Taking a shuddering breath, I force myself to forget about the anxiety swirling around my body and close my eyes, keeping them closed as I raise my fist and knock.
Knowing I'd back out if I gave myself anytime to hesitate, I didn't wait for Alex's response before twisting the door knob.
Three sets of identical blue eyes turn to me, and every muscle in my body tenses. Feeling their gazes study every inch of my face, I force my emotions down with a gulp, focusing my eyes to the ground as I twiddle my thumbs.
"You good, Le?" Ace breaks the silence, voice a mixture of curiosity and worry.
"You wouldn't happen to be here to return my cigarettes that magically vanished, would you, Le?" Jack jokes. I honestly didn't think he'd notice. Or I did, I'd just hoped he'd assume Alex or Carter was to blame.
"He stole them?" Ace quires, still looking somewhat annoyed by the fact that I smoke.
Deep down, it amazes me that Ace has never tried a cigarette. I'd have expected for him to be a smoker rather than Carter, given the fact our elder brother is obsessed with how he looks and has this strange strive to be perfect that I could never understand.
Jack hums a laugh.
I lift my head to look at him, I try to smile at him, to match his playfulness, but I know my lips are anything but smiling and my eyes aren't glint with anything but the horror I feel.
Jack's lips thin, smile dulling. "Wanna go to the roof?" He suggests, eyeing me as if he knows everything I'm feeling right now.
It wouldn't surprise me if he does. Him and Alex both have this strange way of making me feel like I'm translucent; like they can see through me, and in turn see every emotion that I feel.
I've always known Alex to be observant, but he's more calculated in his ways than Jack. It's as if Alex's brain doesn't allow him to simply glance at somebody, he has to fully look — to study every single detail that he can until he's satisfied with whatever he manages to find.
Jack is different. He's respectful, he hides his curiosity and worry better than anyone I've ever met. He doesn't try to look beneath the surface, though I know he can simply glance at me and it feels like my minds become an open book for him to read. A fact I've always known but have never been bothered by — not even now.
I've never been more thankful to the universe for bringing Jack into my life. His kindness and sincerity is always like breath of fresh air I never knew I needed. I respect him — admire how he would do anything for anyone, no questions asked. If you needed help, he'd be there, simple as that.
He has this aura around him, one that makes being around him feel effortless and safe. What you see is what you get with him and he's never shy in showing his protectiveness or love for the people he cares about, especially me; making him the brother I trust and value the most in the world.
He's the only person in this house that has never made me feel like I'm the problem.
I nod, eagerly, too overwhelmed by the events of today to speak. Fresh air and nicotine is what I need, something else to focus on and quieten my overworking mind.
"I'm coming," Ace buts in, blue eyes staring at me with nothing but worry.
I shrug, uncaring if he joins. Ace can be a little dense when it comes to reading feelings or emotions, I wasn't worried about him being able to chip away at the walls that were slowly rebuilding around me. Jack and Alex on the other hand, I knew they'd shatter than wall in seconds.
—
Ace watches me like a hawk stalking it's prey as I pull myself onto the roof. His hands twitch by his sides like he wants to reach out and grab me, as if he's terrified that I'll let go of the gutter and allow myself to splatter on the concrete below.
Maybe.
"Let me help you," Alex offers. He looks at me, waiting for me to accept or decline his offer. When I say nothing, he leans forward, wrapping his hand around my wrist and pulling me over the ledge.
He's quick to release me, which I'm thankful for. "Give me your hand, Ace." He says to our brother, leaning around me and grabbing hold of Ace's un-casted wrist.
Seeing Alex struggle, I twist around and grab Ace's other arm, ensuring my hands stay wrapped around his bicep as I help Alex pull him onto the roof.
"Thanks," he says, words directed to only me.
Alex rolls his eyes. "You're welcome."
"I don't even know why you wanted to come up here with us, you don't even smoke." Jack points out, holding his hand palm up towards me.
Wordlessly, I hand him the cigarettes.
Ace grumbles an incoherent response to Jack, plopping himself down next to me at the edge of the roof top.
"Thanks baby bro," Jack smiles at me, pulling three from the pack. He hands one to me, then Alex, keeping the last for himself.
"Why'd you want to come up here?"
Jack and Alex turn to Ace, eyes rolling.
"What did I tell you not to do?"
Ace shrugs at Jack, he's glancing at me as his lips fall to a frown. "I want to know if he's okay, he hasn't said a word since he came to us."
"He came to my room, not yours." Alex tells him, a little smugly. I only wanted to use your window, Alex.
"I'm fine," I mumble, eyes cast to the gravel.
"Yeah, super fine," Ace scoffs. "You're looking down there as if you want to become one with the concrete. But yeah, sure, you're totally fine."
"What if it was what I wanted right now?" I whisper, voice hollow — numb. I shake my head, exhaling a cloud of bitter smoke. "Forget I said that, I didn't mean it."
"Didn't you?" Jack says, softly.
I take another drag of the smoke, dragging my eyes to his. "No," I shake my head. "I didn't, not really." Smoke filters out of my trembling lips. "Maybe, I don't know."
Ace whistles out a long breath. "Is this how bad being home makes you feel?" He croaks. "Less than twelve hours with us has you contemplating this, again."
"It's not... it's not you." The cigarette begins to burn to the filter, the burning sensation in my fingers welcomed with open arms. "I just — it's so hard. Everything here is a reminder and I can't handle the guilt."
"Guilt?" Alex's eyebrow raises. He's studying me again, thinking over everything I could possibly feel guilty for. "Is this about Lily?"
I don't know how he does it. I don't know how one admission gives him the key to my chamber of secrets. And I don't know why the sound of my sisters name brings the familiar sensation of tears to my eyes and phantom hands to my throat.
I gulp, the apple in my throat bobbing painfully. I press the burning filter harder between my finger tips, basking in the tiny sensation of pain it makes me feel.
The sensation fades to nothing more than a reminding throb as Ace smacks the filter from my finger tips. I lift my eyes to his, seeing his jaws clench, blue eyes narrowed on my slightly reddened skin.
"Why don't you want to talk to her?" He chokes out, voice strained. No judgment in his tone, if anything, all I sense is fear.
"I want to," I try and find the words to explain it, but apprehension wraps around my throat like a noose.
I don't want them to hate me for feeling this way towards our sister. I don't want them to cast me aside when they realise looking at her crushes every part of me. Even though I know it would happen, I don't think my heart could handle witnessing them pick her again.
"I just can't."
Jack meets my eye, a soft emotion in his gaze that I can't bring myself to try and understand. If he knew how deep my feelings ran, he would save that look for our sister instead.
"You know we'd love you no matter what, right?" He says. I don't respond.
No, you wouldn't. Not for this.
Ace's eyes are on my face in a second. "Leo, nothing, no one could ever change our love for you. You're our baby brother, we've got your back, always."
Why now? They've never had my back before, not when it mattered — when it truly mattered.
"You can be honest with us," Alex adds. "Stop trying to deal with this on your own. We want to help you, let us in."
I take a breath, edging myself closer to the gutter, making it easier for them if they choose to push me.
"I can't look at Lily without feeling guilty about how she makes me feel." I begin, scrunching my eyes closed. I don't want to see their hate for me. "Ever since she disappeared... everything and everyone changed in my eyes."
"And you blame her for that?" Alex's voice was curious, no hint of the anger I expected. It was as if he was trying to decipher the meaning behind what I said.
My lip trembles as the truth works it's way to the tip of my tongue. "Not blame, no."
My hand reaches for my inner elbow, my short nails clamping into the fabric of Grey's hoodie, desperately trying to get through the barrier it has provided.
"You're upset with her and you don't understand why." Jack said, simply, as if he knew without clarification that this was the case. "Everything changed when she disappeared, then just as you're old enough and start getting used to the dynamics — she comes home and everything changed again."
"Kinda," I nod, a cold sweat breaking out on my skin as I brace myself for the backlash.
"You're upset with her because she came home?" Ace questions, voice thick with a multitude of emotions, none of which I could place.
It's becoming too confusing. I can't understand their patience. It's clear that Ace and Alex don't fully grasp the meaning behind Jack's description, so why haven't either of them lashed out at me?
Jack groans, shaking his head at Ace. "You're misunderstanding."
"Then one of you need to try and explain it better," Ace huffs.
"I'm not upset that she came home," my voice wobbles. I move my hand from my elbow, cracking my knuckles repeatedly as my hands lace together.
"Lily has done nothing wrong." I quickly add, my throat closing as the phantom hands increase their grip. Please don't hate me.
"I got used to how every one acted when Lil was gone. Second best hurts, but when you're second best to a ghost that pain is a lot fucking easier to digest."
"Leo," Alex's voice is thick, as if one more word and his heart would combust into blinding flames of sorrow.
I can't bring myself to look at him, afraid that the emotion I can hear is directed to Lily rather than me. I don't want him to confirm something I already know. I've always understood that the love they had for Lily ran deeper than the love they held for me. I made peace with that a long time ago. But hearing him say it? That would shatter me completely.
I don't want to hurt anymore than I already do.
"Look at me," Alex's finger grazes my chin and I flinch, eyes growing wide in panic.
His hand drops instantly and my whole body sags in defeat. I hunch forward and pull my knees to my chest, elbows resting against them as my hands reach for my hair, desperate to tug on my non-existent curls.
Fuck.
I choke back a sob, my finger nails scratching my skin as they struggle to grip the shortened stumble. Biting my lip, I clasp my palms over my ears instead and listen to the echoed sound of my blood soar through my body as the guilt begins to drown me.
Why the fuck did I flinch?
I'm doing better, I'm getting better, I'm healing. Aren't I? If that's the case, then why does it feel like I'm taking five steps forward — only to take three more back?
I can hear someone calling my name, but it's a faint distant hum in the background. My panic slowly consumes me, overtaking my mind, my thoughts — everything. The world around me becomes a blur of all the peaceful things I once seen; the trees in the distant, now nothing but dark green shadows. I can't hear the wind, nor can I feel it against my skin.
The feeling of fear and dread and guilt only intensifies to the point I wonder how it hasn't killed me. The phantom hands around my neck latch onto me like I'm their lifeline, tightening their grip in a suffocating squeeze.
My ears ring, black dots begin to fill my vision and it's like I'm drowning again, but this time I'm drowning in the abyss of merciless darkness with no light to guide me home.
Just when I'm sure that the darkness will consume me to the point of death, gentle hands touch my wrists. My exhausted limbs don't struggle against them, allowing them to tug them away from my ears.
"Leo," Someone says, the ringing in my ears making it difficult to pinpoint the voice. "Please look at me."
Hesitantly, I open my eyes and come face to face with the eldest of my three brothers. Alex's eyes hold nothing but pain, the emotion so strong that I can almost feel his pain merge with mine.
"I'm going to touch you, okay?"
My lip trembles. I don't know if it's okay, I don't know how I'll react. My body, heart and mind are at a war with each other, one that I'm too exhausted to engage in.
Alex's cold fingers take hold of my cheeks. He lays his palms flat against my skin, his touch tender though strong as he forces me to keep my head up.
"You have never been second best to me," he says it so sincerely that I almost believe him.
He must see the lack of trust in my eyes, his face twists as if another round of pain has just slammed into him like a truck.
"You are your own person, you're not Lily, you've never had to be anything like Lily for me to love you." His fingers tremble against my skin. "I'm sorry for ever making you feel any different."
"I know you love me," I whisper, voice hoarse.
"Doesn't sound like you do." Ace says simply, eyes hard as he glares at his feet.
"I do. I just — I know you all love Lily more, and that's okay. I don't mind that you do, really. I just wish that sometimes you'd make me feel important, too. Like I matter just a fraction as much as she does."
"You matter." The volume of Ace's voice shocks me. "You've always mattered, you will always matter. We don't love Lily more, love has never been a competition— "
" — for you, maybe," I cut him off, tilting my head to him, bones feeling just as heavy as my heart. "For me it's always been a competition."
"Why? What did we do to make you feel so worthless?"
The clueless look in Ace's eyes cuts deep. It makes me feel even more invisible than I did before.
I wonder if all of them think like he does; if they've have failed to realise just how much they hurt me over the years, even if they didn't intend to.
I don't want to tell him my truths. I don't want to hurt him, I've never wanted my siblings to feel anything close to the pain I do, but I can't carry all this anymore — not on my own. I can't keep allowing for myself to be the punching bag that gets beat up and slammed with everything they have when things become too much for them.
I need to put myself first. If healing means I need to be selfish for a minute, then selfish is what I'll be.
They need to know how their projections of grief became the burden my heart struggled — for years — to bare.
"You made me a shrine of everything she was."
Ace breaths out a hoarse breath. "What?"
I look at him, allowing every inch of my feelings over the last twelve years to swim to the surface. My eyes a reflection of all the hurt, pain, grief and sadness I'd learned to bury a long time ago.
"I was Lily's twin, I was never just Leo — you never let me be me. None of you gave me a chance to find who I was without her." I gulp down the guilt that threatens to floor me.
"Every special occasion; anniversaries, birthdays, holidays — every fucking day became hers. Our birthday was never ours, but hers. Even when she wasn't here. But I was here, Ace. I've always been here. Yet, I couldn't have felt any further away."
The words come tumbling out in an anger laced rush. I can't seem to keep my emotions at bay; a fire burning within me, one that I'm not sure I have the power to extinguish without leaving a pit of anguish ridden ash in its wake.
"None of you ever showed happiness for me on a day that was mine, too."
"Leo," Alex gulps. "We never meant —"
" — I don't care if it was meant or not, Alex." My hands shake, my heart hammering all the way from my chest to the back of my throat. The anger fades from my voice, my words contained with nothing but agony. "It doesn't change the fact that you broke me. All of you — ripped away the tiny pieces of who I could have been."
"I just wanted you to make me feel wanted."
"We've always wanted you, nothing about this place would be home without you, Leo. Not a single thing. You've been gone for almost two months and we all feel your absence — "
" — you don't, not really." I cut Alex off again, unable to feel any truth in his words.
He's lying to you. All they do is lie.
"Jesus Christ, Leo." Ace's voice is loud; booming and harsh like thunder in a storm. His narrowed eyes are filled with tears as our identical stares lock, vexation spilling from him in waves. "Let him speak. You can't say all this shit and not let us fucking speak."
He'll hurt you. All they do is hurt you.
I shrink back at his frustrated tone, my body seizing up as my muscles tense to the point I wonder if my limbs are made of stone. My eyes automatically lower to my thighs, unable to hold my brothers rage filled stare.
"Ace," Jack's voice is calm, soothing almost, though I can hear the sternness in his next words. "Calm the fuck down."
I hear Ace blow out a shuddering breath. He doesn't say any words in response to Jack, I hear his body move as he lays back on the roof, his eyes lifting to the stars above us.
"I'm sorry, Le." He mumbles, softly. Disappointment coats his words, but I'm unsure if it's directed at me or himself.
I don't respond, I want too — but I can't.
"You good?" Jack leans close to me, his voice quiet. I shrug, I don't know.
He hums, "One sec," he pulls his cigarette pack from his pocket, like earlier he removes three. He hands one to me, leaning around me to give Alex the other, keeping the last for himself.
"Here," I accept the fire he offers, my shoulders un-tensing an inch as the nicotine seeps deeper and deeper into my lungs.
"I'm proud of you." Jack whispers to me, voice too low for our brothers to hear.
I look at him, a quizzing stare.
Why?
He smiles at me, knowingly, as if my silent question was spoken aloud.
"I know you, Leo. I know it must've been hard for you to open up about your pain. You finally gave a little bit of love from that massive heart to yourself, that takes guts. So, yeah, that's why I'm proud of you — that among so many other reasons."
I feel my lips raise a little at his words. I'm proud of you... it feels nice to hear that.
I don't respond to Jack, instead, focusing my eyes on my surroundings, getting lost in the stars above me; watching intently as they dim, flicker and shine. The brightness of each star is different, a gentle reminder that no two beings, no matter how alike they look — are the same.
The crackling of the cigarette in my hand lulls me back to reality, a gentle heat against my finger tips it slowly burns to the root. I bring it to my lips, inhaling the smoke greedily.
It's a taste I'll never get used too — nicotine, ash and death. Ever so disgusting, yet reliable at once; I always know what I'm going to get with just one puff; a feeling of weightlessness that I can't quite describe.
"Bambino," Alex's voice draws my eyes to him.
Looking away from my brother, I take another long drag of the cigarette, pinching the burning end between my fingers before flicking it away, watching in mesmerisation as it descends like a fallen angel to the gravel below.
"What, Al?" My voice replicates the emotions that I feel; debilitated, apprehensive and desolated.
He licks his lips, a nervous trait that he'd never shown before. Alex, even though he's one of the quietest of my siblings, has always been confident in himself and his words. Anxiety has never suffocated him like it seems to be doing right now.
"I don't know how to apologise to you, I don't know how I never realised your feelings earlier," he pauses, eyes filled with sorrow as he stares at me. "I'm so sorry for that. I should've noticed."
"I'm not going to tell you how much you mean to me, words mean nothing unless there's actions to back them up." He pushes his glasses up his nose, taking a moment as if trying to think over his next words carefully — another thing he's never done in the past. Alex is always the one who knows what to say and when.
He blows out a breath, his fingers twisting together in a way that suggests he's frustrated with himself. He looks at me again, eyes determined and honest.
"But please know that I've always loved you, I've always wanted you and I've always and will always need you. I want to show you how much you mean to me — show you how much you mean to us all. I know it will take time, but I'll wait as long as it takes for you to be able to trust me again, Leo." He says each word with enough conviction that I can't help but believe him.
I smile, slightly.
The hurt doesn't leave me like I'd prayed it would, my shoulders don't dull in their tenseness, but Alex's words do ignite something in my chest that wasn't there before — a feeling of yearning, optimism and wistfulness all rolled into one.
"What he said." Comes Ace's ever loving speech, the dismissive ness in his tone not surprising me in the slightest.
Sixty silent seconds pass before I nod.
"Okay,"
"Okay?" Ace looks confused, like always.
"That's it?"
"There's nothing more to say," I tell him with shrug.
Ace hums. "Alright," he rubs his hands together. "Okay it is."
"So this is why you've been avoiding Lil since you came home?" Jack asks, nothing more than curiosity in his tone.
"Mhm," I hum, guilt resurfacing.
I keep Alex's words in mind, using them as a silent reassurance. He said he'd show me with his actions how much I mean to him, maybe that means he won't lash out at me for hurting Lily with my avoidance.
"You should talk to her, Le, tell her how you feel." Alex suggests, tone gentle. "Only if it's what you want to do, though. No one will force you, if you're not ready, that's okay, too."
"How?" They look at me, confused by my words. "How do I tell my sister that I can't bare to look at her through no fault of her own? How do I explain to her, that the best two years of her life, have been the worst two years of mine?"
Something dulls in their eyes at my words.
"She'll understand, Leo. She won't be angry with you." Jack bumps his shoulder against mine. "I think Lily just wants to be given the chance to fix whatever she thinks is wrong between the two of you. Explaining this... it might take that weight off her shoulders to know that she hasn't done anything to hurt you."
"What if she doesn't understand, though? What if she hates me for feeling like this?"
"She won't hate you for something you can't control." Alex tries to reassure.
"You don't know that." I shake my head, arms wrapping around myself in search of comfort. "What if she does hate me? What then?"
"Then," Ace smirks, eyes lit up with mischief as he cracks his neck. "I'll whack it into her."
"That's not funny." Alex grits out.
Ace holds his hands up in surrender as we all glare at him, his lips tilting into a lazy smile as he rolls his eyes. "With my words, idiots."
"What words?" Jack snorts. "Your words are no better than Carter's."
Ace gapes at our brother, and I can't help but laugh. "Not you, too, Le." Ace groans as if he's bothered, but I can see the amusement in his eyes as he stares at me.
"Sorry, fratello." I pat his shoulder. "He's got a point."
"Fuck this, I'm going to bed." Ace huffs, pushing to his feet. "Comparing me to fucking Carter, Carter of all people." He mutters under his breath.
He storms off, rather dramatically, towards the drain pipe, his face flushing further at his dilemma. His able fist clenches at his side, teeth gritting to hard that I'm sure he'll need a filling.
Ace turns, hand reaching to scratch his nape almost sheepishly.
"Well?" He looks at us, impatiently, waving his casted arm around like a lunatic. "Are one of you going to help me down or do I have to take a leaf from Leo's book and fucking jump?"
Exasperated, Alex sighs as I let out an overly amused snort.
Jack grins, daringly. "I vote jump."
—
End of chapter 71
thoughts?
are we glad Leo shared his feelings with Jack, Alex and Ace?
Jeo, Lilo AND Eleo scenes next ❤️
what do we wanna see from Leo and Lily's chat?
and Eleo, what do you guys want?
also, for anyone who doesn't know, I've decided to write two spin offs for IIS.
the first will be based on Oli and his life, before, during and after the teen home.
the second will be based on the rest of psycho fam.
(these will not be published until after Cal's book)
I'll leave their names and covers below, lemme know your thoughts!
comment, vote and follow x
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