( 𝗍𝗋𝗂𝗀𝗀𝖾𝗋𝖾𝖽? 𝗁𝖺𝗋𝖽𝗅𝗒 𝗄𝗇𝗈𝗐 𝗁𝖾𝗋 )
Trigger Warning: mentions of panic attacks, derealization (not feeling real or anything around you is real)
GWEN FELT PRESSURE. She felt it everyday, sure, but it was normal pressure, wake up early, get dressed, get to school early to ask teachers for help, blah blah blah. Get home, do homework until dinner is ready, talk to her mom about grades and school and her list and Yale.
Yale was the university for her. Yale was the ticket out of here. Yale was the dream for her mother. Yale was the thing that was going to make everything work. Even hour and second of schooling, tutoring, work, tears, stress, hurt, worth it.
So here she was. Sitting at her desk, leg bouncing, pencil tapping her paper over and over again. Gwen's eyes being clouded with tears as she couldn't even look at her paper. She falling again. Falling into the cycle.
The pressure was getting too much again. The feelings being bottled up was beginning to break. Everything was cracking. Everything was too much. Gwen couldn't breathe.
Gwen began to hyperventilate. She backed away from her chair and closed her eyes. "Calm down" Gwen said through shaken breathes.
Her leg bounced more and more. Her breathe began to get more shallow. Her body was shaking. Everything around her was like it wasn't real. Nothing felt real. Her body, her desk, her room. Everything felt like it was an out of body experience.
"Gwen?" She heard through her room. She stood up and looked over to see Marcus. "Gwen" He said softly and she smiled at him, but he could see she was shaking.
"H-hi" She struggled out. "Um, what are you uh, what're you doing here?" She asked as she began walking around.
"Gwen" He said again and approached her slowly. "I'm going to touch you okay?" He asked and her breath went too shallow. She began dry heaving. Her lungs not getting enough oxygen, her insides were curling, her skin was crawling. It was like her soul was trying to get out.
"Marcus" Her breathed out as she stoped walking and looked everywhere but him.
"I know" He said softly and touched her arm, she flinched at the touch.
"I um" She couldn't even make out a sentence. All Marcus could do was try and help.
"I know" He whispered and finally wrapped his arms around her.
"Please make it stop" She said as she began to cry. Her body still shaking, her breaths still shallow, everything still not feeling real.
"Gwen" He said in her ear and gently brought her to her bed. He sat them both down, his arms never leaving her body.
"Marcus I'm scared" Gwen breathed out and he gently let her go, but kept one arm around her shoulders.
"It's okay, I'm here now" Marcus assured.
"I can't breathe" She said and he began taking deep breaths
"Take deep breaths with me okay?" He asked as he began doing and and she tried to mirror, but couldn't get them deep enough. It's like her lungs were being squished by something.
"I feel like I'm going to die" Gwen winced out as she kept trying to breathe.
"You're not going to die" Marcus assured. "Just breathe with me" He said and began breathing deeply. She mirrored and eventually got the hang of it, but she was still crying and shaking.
"Come here" Marcus said softly and pulled her in close and hugged her. "We gotta get you to relax a little" He mumbled into her hair as he laid them down on her soft bed.
She was quiet. She didn't say anything, just cried. The ocasional sob would escape her mouth, and Marcus just let her. Marcus would draw shapes on her arm as she rested her head against his chest. He would continue to breathe deeply hoping she would mirror him and she did. He kept her close to him, hoping his warmth would calm her down and it did.
"You're okay" He whispered her pressed a kiss to the top of her head. The two laid there. Eventually her shaking stoped, her crying stoped, her breathing was normal.
Gwen had panic attacks and she knew, but none were like this one. Her others she didn't feel like she was going to die, her others she regained herself well. This one. This one she felt like she was suffocating, she couldn't see, hear, all she heard was ringing, she legitimately thought she was going to die.
"Gwenie"
"Shh" She said. "Can we just lay here please"
"Of course"
And they did. They would change positions, but they would always be holding one another. No matter what they were touching. No speaking, no nothing. Just laying there, basking in each others company. Him comforting her and her using him to calm her down.
"Hey Marcus" She said softly and he hummed. She felt the vibrations of his chest on her cheek. "I know it's late but, don't go please"
"I'm not leaving"
At school Gwen felt like a zombie. Nothing felt real, everything felt distant and blurry. Her hands didn't look like her hands, her peers looked weird, and whenever she looked in the mirror she didn't look like her.
Gwen made it to her locker and struggled to open her locker. It was like her mind was everywhere and anywhere. Her mind wasn't here. Her mind wasn't in the present. "Need help?"
She looked over and saw Marcus standing there. She didn't say anything and just moved out of the way for him to open her locker. As he did he grabbed her books for her and everything she needed.
"Gwenie, what happened?" He asked and she just looked at him. Her eyes began to sting as she felt tears build up. "Gwen"
"I don't...I don't feel real right now" Gwen said as she looked everywhere but him. She still felt fuzzy, everything felt blurry.
"What?" He asked as he tried to catch her gaze, but couldn't.
Gwen felt her tears fall, but she didn't care enough to whole them away. "It feels like, I feel like I'm drowning" Gwen said and Marcus stepped closer to her, but she stepped back.
"Gwen" Marcus said as he stepped back too to give her space.
"I feel like there's just so much pressure and I can't breathe, I can't think, I can't even remember my fucking locker combination" Gwen said in frustration as she looked at her blue locker. "Marcus, I don't feel real, I feel like this isn't real, nothing is real"
"Gwen, you're real" Marcus said with assurance in his voice as he looked at the girl he loves, looking the way she looked, feeling the way she felt, the girl he loves so dearly, and he feels like he can't do anything about it.
He hates himself for it. He wishes to just take her out of this painful world, protect her from anything and everything. He never wants her to feel any negative emotions. But seeing her feel these things, it hurts him. It hurts him and he never thought it would, but it does. He's willing to do anything he can to make her feel safe and secure.
"No I'm not!" She yelled, catching the eyes of a few students, but they walk by nonetheless.
"Gwen, hey, hey, what do you see?" Marcus asked as he grabbed her shoulders and made her look at him.
"What?" She asked as she finally made eye contact with him.
"What do you see?" He asked again.
"You" She started.
"What else? Look around" He instructed and she did.
"I see kids walking down the halls, a green backpack on the floor, blue lockers" She explained and he smiled.
"Good, what do you smell?"
"Your cologne, stale air, metal" She listed.
"What do you hear?" He asked and she took in a deep breath and she slowly but surely felt herself come back to reality.
"Whispers, your voice, my heart beat, shoes hitting the floor" She said and he let go of her. Marcus grabbed her chin and tilted her head up to make her look at him.
"You're real Gwen, I'm real" He said softly and Gwen felt her emotions feel raw again. As if they're in display and he's a customer seeing them.
"I just, I can't anymore" She whispered and looked away. She couldn't look at him. She couldn't look at anyone. She was Gwen Martinez, she always looked okay and put together. Having someone see her like this made it all the worse.
"Come on" Marcus said as he opened her locker once more and put her books inside.
"What?" She asked as she watched him do his thing.
"We're skipping" He responded.
"We can't skip" Gwen pointed out.
"Mental health day" Marcus said as he closed the door and grabbed her hand.
"Marcus" She dragged out as he dragged her down the halls.
"Come on, I'll get you a chai latte with oat milk" He bribed and she stoped walking and he looked at her.
"Marcus" She said and he gave her a worried look.
"Gwen" He said.
"Hold me please" The three words that came out of her mouth made Marcus realize all she needed was someone. And he's willing to be that someone she needs. Anything she needs he's there and he made that promise to her that night in her bed. Even if she didn't know it. But now it was real.
"Of course" He mumbled out and hugged her. His arms wrapped around her shoulders, hers wrapped around her waist. His chin resting on top of her head and hers resting on his chest.
"Hey Marcus" Gwen said and he hummed.
"Yeah?" He asked.
"Thank you"
"Of course"