Billy's POV
Today is when Dacre goes to see his therapist Kara for the first time.
I have to go and get him up unfortunately because he doesn't want to go at all, but I really could care less. He is going whether he likes it or not.
I go up to his and Michael's room and knock on the door.
No answer.
I knock again and still no answer.
I've fucking had it. He won't answer the goddamn door.
I open the door to Dacre on the floor next to the closet.
What the actual hell???
How did he end up on the floor like that? How is it even possible to roll out of the bed from that far away???
"DACRE!!!!"
Dacre shot up and looked at me. "Huh?!.."
"Get your ass up!!! We have to leave in five minutes!!!"
Dacre gave me a look. "....I am not going to therapy..."
I'm getting so fed up.
I am trying to do something nice for him here, taking him to therapy I felt would be a nice thing to do for him, to help him heal up somewhat and not have those voices.
"Dacre, I don't fucking care. Get your fucking ass up, get dressed, and get downstairs. You're going whether you like it or not. If you're not downstairs in two minutes, I will come and drag you down" I give him a serious look.
I will actually fucking drag him downstairs and into the car and I'm not joking around.
"And also, why the fuck were you on the floor??"
".....I knocked myself out"
Ok. He needs help. That's not fucking normal.
"Yeah, you definitely need therapy. Jesus fucking Christ"
I shake my head and turn away from him and go towards the door.
I head out of the room and go down the stairs and wait by the door.
Dacre's POV
I really really really don't want to go to therapy....
The therapist isn't even going to be able to help me..., so I don't understand what the point is of even going when I'm not going to get better no matter what....
I look towards the closet and stand up. I open it up.
I haven't changed my clothes in weeks.... I haven't showered or anything... I don't feel the need to shower.
I'm too miserable to barely do anything.
I hate being productive. I hate having to do shit.
I have been forced to do so much shit these past few weeks....
I have been forced to wash the plates and bowls, to clean up the dinner table... I hate it...
I hate living like this without Michael...
I grab a sweater that was bright red. I don't even see the point in changing my clothes honestly....
I grab the sweater and a pair of black jeans with rips in just the knees. I put on the sweater and jeans and just a pair of black socks that go up to the ankles.
Normally I would wear socks that go up to the knees, but Michael isn't here anymore.... so I don't even try to dress nice anymore....
I put on a pair of shoes with shoelaces. I do not know how to tie them, so I just leave them untied... I haven't worn these shoes ever since I made this body....
I don't bother with brushing my hair. What's the point???...
I then go downstairs and to the front door where Billy was waiting for me.
God....... I don't fucking want to do this.....
I just want Michael back....
Billy looks at me. "Let's go. We're going to be late all because you took fucking forever to get your ass up" He grabs some type of things that make noises, I think keys??... I do not know the name.... but they are used for vehicles to make them work.
I don't say anything. I don't really talk anymore...
I only talk when my kids are around.... I don't really talk to Billy or Steve, because I feel like they are starting to hate me again.....
maybe not so much Steve, but I can tell that Billy is annoyed with me crying over how the voices won't stop.... but I know he understands how much I cry over Michael and miss him like crazy....
Billy goes outside and I follow behind him. He goes inside of his blue vehicle.
What am I supposed to do??...
Go inside of it????
"DACRE!!! GET IN HERE!!!!!"
I flinch. Jesus.... why does he have to yell....
I get into the vehicle and I sit beside him.
"Buckle up"
What???....
What does that mean??
I look at him with confusion on my face.
"Oh my fucking god" Billy huffs and growls as he roughly grabs this weird thing and puts it around my body and hooks it into something. "Your. fucking. seat. belt."
Seatbelt??... Thats what this is????
".....Sorry, I have never been in a vehicle thing before...."
"Clearly not" Billy grumbles and puts the keys into something inside the vehicle that turns the vehicle on.
I look outside of the window without saying anything.
I hate this.... I just want Michael back... I don't want to go to this fucking therapy place...
I then hear a noise and it makes me jump.
I hear voices.... but it isn't voices in my head this time. It is other voices and sounds. "H-huh!!"
I look around frantically and then at Billy. He doesn't look phased by anything....
"What is that sound...."
Billy gave me a 'are you really this stupid' look. "That's the radio, dumbass" He says while starting to make the vehicle thing move.
Radio??? What is a radio????? I don't know what a radio is....
"What is radio??.."
"Oh my fucking god. It's music, Dacre. I'm playing music"
Music??....
I have heard of the word before, but I never really knew it.... this is music??..
"I did not know that...."
"What do you know" Billy shakes his head while making the vehicle move.
.......
This makes me feel even more like shit....
Why does Billy have to point out this stuff....
I don't know a lot of things, I am not from here....
I don't say anything and I look back out the window again.
The radio music thing is too loud and it is making my head hurt.... but I don't say anything about it...
My head always hurts.... it always hurts because I constantly have a headache and constantly hear voices in my head....
And Billy thinks that a therapist will help to stop the voices....
There is no way to stop the voices, the trauma... not until I have Michael back.
After some time, I don't know how long... but after some time, the vehicle stops. I feel it stop.
"Dacre, get out of the car"
Great..... I don't want to be here....
I don't move. I am not moving out of this seat... I refuse to go and see the therapist lady...
"Dacre. Scarlett."
I still don't move.
I'm starting to get scared now.... Billy horrifies me still.... especially lately with how pushy and demanding he has been....
"Oh my fucking god!!!!" Billy got out of the vehicle and went to where I was and opened up the door and took off the seatbelt thing. "I really have to fucking drag you inside like a fucking child, holy shit." He roughly grabs me and pulls me out of the vehicle. "Jesus fucking Christ."
I was starting to tear up.....
not only because of Billy, but also because I wish that Michael was here.... I just want to be happy again...
I feel Billy grab onto my arm and start to drag me into a building.
I don't try to fight back.... I just give up at this point..... I just want Michael.... there is nothing more that I want....
Billy pulls me into the building and stops at some desk where there is a woman....
I'm starting to feel nervous.... this is just one stranger human, but I can already feel myself starting to get panicky.
The woman behind the desk had a smile on her face. "Hello, you must be Billy Hargrove"
"That I am"
"And you," The woman was looking at me. "You must be Dacre Scarlett"
.......
What am I supposed to say??... I am not going to say anything.... I don't want to talk to this woman.... I do not know who this woman is.... and I do not want to talk about anything.... I don't even know if this is the therapist lady, but I still do not want to speak with her....
I start to play with my hands and pick at my nails...
since I have not been doing any showering, I still had my nails with the paint... but they were very broken because I have been biting them to hurt myself....
Billy looked at me. I can feel his angry gaze.... I know that he is furious and frustrated with me for not saying anything...
"Yes, this is Dacre. Sorry about him not speaking, he is just a bit shy and scared"
Shy???... I am not shy.... I am not that shy....
I am just scared of humans... humans that I don't know...
The woman smiled. "That's quite alright. I understand how hard it must be for him and even you right now. I'll go tell Kara that you two are here"
"Yes, thank you so much miss" Billy says.
The woman smiled and got up and went somewhere.
"Dacre, you need to stop fucking acting like this"
Acting like what???
I always act like this.... I do not like interacting with humans who I do not know...
"....I don't want to be here..I just want to go back home..I want Michael back..that's all I want..."
I can feel tears falling down my face slowly. I just want to curl up and cry for the rest of the day... I don't want to be here at all... I just want to be in Michael's arms.....
Billy sighed heavily. "I know that, Dacre. I want Michael back as well. We all do, but you have to suck it up and talk to your therapist about your feelings and the voices in your head"
......
Why would I ever tell a strange human about how I am feeling??... I don't even know the human.... so I definitely don't want to talk to them about anything...
I don't say anything to Billy... I can still feel the tears falling down my face.
I hear a single laugh in my head from the Hydra... god fucking dammit.... please just shut the fuck up for once in your fucking life......
A different woman then comes out. She had red hair and blue eyes. "Hello! You must be Dacre?" She was looking at me with a smile.
I don't like her already.... I already hate her.... I want to run away. I want to get out of here.
I take a step back and go to go behind Billy.
I feel Billy roughly grab onto my wrist to stop me. It gives me a sinking feeling of fear in my chest, so I stop moving and just stand there.
"Yup, this is Dacre" Billy says. "When should I come and pick him up?"
"Oh, well we won't be that long. Today I just want to get to know him and ask him some questions, it won't be too long of a session today, so you are welcome to just sit down in the waiting room and wait"
......
Get to know me????
I am not telling this lady anything about myself.... I refuse....
Billy gave a nod and gave me a shove forward towards the woman. "Thank you, Kara" He then walks away somewhere.
I don't look at Kara. I don't even say anything. I don't want to be here.... I really really don't want to be here at all...
"Alright Dacre, let's go" Kara sounded way too happy and energetic. I thought she was supposed to be a therapist???...
I just stand there. I refuse to move. I am not going anywhere....
I just want to be with Michael.... I just want them back....
I feel Kara grab my arm and drag me into a room.
.........
Why am I being forced to do this.... I don't want to fucking be here!!!!
Kara closes the door and locks it and looks at me. "You may take a seat, Dacre"
I look around the room and see a chair. I slowly go to it and sit down, but I don't say anything.... I just sit there and look down at my hands. I can feel one of my legs starting to shake.... I hate this....
Kara's POV
I go and sit down in the chair in front of Dacre and I looked at him.
He is a very quiet person. He hasn't said anything to me yet.
"Alright Dacre, let's start off with a basic question. When is your birthday?"
Dacre did not speak and continued to look down at his hands. I noticed his leg was shaking....
I think he might have anxiety. I noticed this right away. I normally notice disorders within my patients quickly just by the way they're acting.
"You don't need to feel nervous, Dacre. I am here to talk to you and help you through the loss of your husband" I reach over and put a hand on his shoulder.
Dacre flinches and looks at me. He had a face full of tears.
I noticed something about him... he had a very interesting eye color. I have never seen a person with a red eye before. He's different it seems.
"Hey Dacre, it's okay. There is no need to be afraid of me. I am here to listen to you and help you out, ok? Today I won't pressure you to say anything about what happened. I just want to know a little bit about you" I take my hand off of his shoulder and grab a piece of paper with a pen. I write 'Dacre Scarlett' on the top and look at him. "Can you tell me when you were born, Dacre?"
Dacre started to shake more. I could notice it. ".....I-I don't kn....ow..."
Okay... woah. His voice. That's definitely interesting and different. I have never heard somebody sound like that before.
I am not judging him, but his voice is definitely not what a person usually sounds like.
I don't know if I can properly explain this, but it sounded like he had two voices. A soft one and a deep one at the same time.
I also noticed that his voice seemed to somewhat echo when he spoke.
"What month and day were you born on, Dacre?"
"....I-I don't k...now...I really d..on...t...."
Dacre doesn't know when his birthday is?
Was he mistreated by his family and not told anything as a child? That may be the case.
"How come you don't know, Dacre?"
Dacre doesn't say anything and looks down again. I could notice his tears and his shaking was getting worse.
He must have severe social anxiety it seems.
"Alright, well that's okay, Dacre. What do you like to do for fun?"
"....I..I like to be with my husband...I like to flirt with him and be near him and I like going on dates with him and such..and I like to be around my kids and play games with them with their toy items..."
That's very sweet. Dacre seems like he is a sweet person.
I write that stuff down and look at him. "Besides hanging around your husband and your kids, do you have anything that you enjoy doing? Such as drawing or any sports?"
"....I..I like to knit.."
Oooohhhh!! "Ooohhh!! That's great! What do you knit, Dacre?"
"....Sweaters.."
I look at Dacre's sweater. He must have knitted that. I have never had a patient before who liked knitting.
I write that down under the things he likes to do. "Is there anything else that you enjoy doing, Dacre?"
"....I like to be in the snow, and I like to cook and sometimes sing...."
The snow??? Huh... it never snows here in California. He must come from Canada or someplace where it snows.
I gave Dacre a small smile and wrote that stuff down. "Thank you for telling me what you enjoy, Dacre. What are your favorite colors?"
".....I like red, black, purple, and green"
"Those are nice colors, Dacre. I also like those colors" I write down his favorite colors. "What is your favorite food and favorite drink?"
Dacre doesn't say anything. He whimpers and looks down again.
What???
Why did he react that way??
"Dacre, are you alright??"
"....N...o..."
I frown and put a hand on his shoulder again. He flinched and whimpered once more.
Jesus Christ..... who hurt this guy???
"Alright....you don't need to tell me if you don't want to" I pull my hand away and put questions marks underneath the favorite food and drink section on the paper.
"Where are you from, Dacre?"
Dacre does not answer again.
He began to shake more and shook his head.
Jesus..... it's really hard to get answers out of him.
Perhaps I will have to ask Billy Hargrove about some things. I'm sure he would know.
Dacre's POV
I fucking hate it here so so so so so so bad.
I want to fucking leave.
I don't like being asked these questions....
First of all, I don't know when I was born... I do not know the month and the day,
I was just randomly one day fucking created by Henry and I dont know the day...
I don't want to say my favorite food and drink.... because Kara is going to know that I am not a human if I tell her... I don't want more humans thinking that I am a freak....
I don't want to talk about where I am from... she would never understand what the upsidedown is.
God.... I really really fucking hate it here so much.
I just want to be back at the cottage... back there and have Michael there... I want him and I to have a happy reunion and for us to have a date outside and roll around in the snow and put flowers in one another's hair...
I just want my life to go back to normal.
I want things to be normal again.... I want Michael back so fucking bad.
I hate living like this..... without him in my life....
I am so empty without him.... he was my purpose and now that purpose is gone and now I am here with a therapist and being pressured to reveal things about myself and I don't fucking want to...
I just want to fucking leave....
to die.....
or to just be fucking happy again.....
I feel Kara's hand on my shoulder again and it makes me flinch. I don't know why she keeps on fucking touching me, but I don't fucking like it....
It's making me feel scared and too overwhelmed...
I hear Kara sigh. "Okay Dacre, I won't pressure you to talk, okay? I understand that this is our first day together, so I am not expecting much out of you" She moves her hand away and gets up and out of her chair.
Oh, can I finally fucking leave now?? Please.... please just fucking let me leave.
"Our session is over for the day, Dacre. Thank you for coming. I will see you again in two days"
......
Two....days??...
No.....
Nope......
I am not fucking coming back here in two days.... nope....
I do not ever want to fucking come back to this fucking place ever fucking again.
"......" I don't say anything and look towards the door.
Kara sighed and went to the door while opening it. "Stay here for a moment"
Billy's POV
I saw Kara coming towards me, but no Dacre.
I stood up and looked at her.
"Hey there, Billy. The session with Dacre is done for the day"
"Ah. How did it go?"
Kara sighed.
I already have a feeling on how it went.
"Dacre isn't that talkative" She says with a frown. "He ignored a lot of my questions"
"What type of questions did you ask him?"
"Well, he told me that he doesn't know when his birthday is, and he ignored me when I asked him about his favorite food and drink, and he ignored me when I asked him where he comes from, which I assumed was Canada or somewhere with snow since one of the things he likes to do is be in the snow"
I expected as much that Dacre wouldn't say anything like that. "Ah. Well, thanks for taking him in. I bring him back here in two days, correct?"
Kara nods. "Mhm. I'll go get him now and then you can be on your way" She then walked away.
Fucking Christ. I'm going to have to have a chat with Dacre in the car.
Kara walks back with Dacre and gave a smile. "See you in two days, Dacre!!!"
Dacre doesn't say anything and just looks down.
I roll my eyes a bit. "Goodbye, Kara" I grab Dacre's arm with some force and drag him out of the building.
I take him to the car and look at him. "Get in."
Dacre doesn't talk and gets in the passenger seat.
I get into the drivers seat and put on my seatbelt and I look at him.
He didn't fucking put his seatbelt on, again.
Oh my fucking god.
I reach over and put it on for him while starting the car.
"Okay Dacre, I know that you don't know when your birthday is, but there was no reason to ignore the other questions that Kara asked you"
Dacre looks at me. "Billy, I can't say some things that will give away that I am not human...."
"Dacre. She isn't going to fucking tell anybody anything that you say. She is your therapist. She isn't going to tell random people that you eat dirt and drink chemicals. She herself might question it, but she isn't going to judge you and she is not going to tell anybody else. Anything you tell her stays right in that room just between you and her. She only told me about what you didn't tell her today only because it's the first day"
Dacre sniffled. "I don't want to go back......I just want Michael back...., that's what I want..."
I started to drive back home with a sigh. "I know, Dacre. That's what all of us want, trust me. But you need the therapy to get treatment for the voices in your head. I know you will never stop being depressed about Michael, but Kara is there to listen and to try her best to give you ways to cope. Even if her ways don't work, she is still there to listen and talk to you"
Dacre sniffled again. "I don't like talking to other humans that I don't know....and the voices are not going to stop.....I am traumatized from the hydra, Henry, and Mike....they will never leave my head no matter what...."
Oh my fucking god.
Dacre just doesn't fucking have any fucking hope or faith.
Jesus fucking Christ.
I turn on the radio and continue to drive back home.
Neither me or Dacre say anything to one another for the rest of the drive home.
Once we got back, I parked the car and took out the keys. "Okay Dacre, it's time to get out. I'm going to make supper and then you can go to bed and do whatever" I get out of the car and look at Dacre's side of the car.
He slowly got out and went into the house with his head down and didn't say anything.
I shake my head and go into the house as well and to the kitchen.
Steve was in the kitchen and was making tacos. He looks at me.
"Hey baby, how did it go?"
"Fucking horrible"
"And why's that?"
"Dacre refusing to speak to his therapist"
"Billy, remember when I told you about what he told me? He doesn't like talking to other people. He's scared and gets overwhelmed. Don't pressure him"
'Don't pressure him'
Give me a fucking break. I am not fucking dealing with Dacre saying this voices shit about him anymore.
"Yup. I know, but I am sick and tired of hearing him complain about the voices in the head"
Steve gave me a look of disappointment. "Billy, he has been through hell. He is going through even more hell now and all of us are. Be nice to him for once"
He shakes his head and finishes making the tacos.
'Be nice to him' that's hard to do when I don't really like him that much.
Dacre's POV
"DACRE!!!!! TIME TO EAT!!!!!" Billy shouts from the dining room kitchen place thing.
Ugh....... I just wanted to go into the bedroom...
I go to the kitchen and see everybody sitting down at the table with some weird food item in front of them... I don't know what it is, but it doesn't look tasty at all...
"Dada sit!!!!" Sadie says while making grabbie hands towards me.
I sit down and stare at the food. I don't know what it is and I don't want to find out.....
I am not even hungry....
Everybody else was eating.... and I can feel the stare from Billy. I know he wants me to eat...
I hesitate a bit and pick up the weird food item and put it in my mouth while taking a small bite. I began to chew it....
OH MY FUCKING FUCKING FUCKING GOD EW!!
EW!!!!
EW!!!!!!
EW!!!!!!!!!
I FUCKING HATE IT!!!
I spit it out on the plate. "I- I can't... I'm sorry...I can't...."
Billy huffed. "Dacre, just fucking eat it. Steve spent time making that. So fucking eat it"
....
I don't want to make anybody upset, so I pick the weird food item up and start to force myself to eat it.
It is so fucking disgusting.... I want to fucking smash this fucking plate against my head and die... I hate it.... I hate everything...
Each bite I took was pure hell.... but I eventually finished it all....
"Thank you, Dacre" Billy says and gets up and grabs everybody's plate and goes to the sink.
I am thankful that tonight I did not have to be the one who had to clean off the plate things....
I have been being forced by Billy to wash the plates in the sink thing with water and soap....
I hate it so much because it is something I have never done before and it's really difficult for me, and it is hard to resist to not eat the soap...
I hate having to do things now......
I want Michael back so fucking bad....
nothing is easy anymore.... everything is fucking difficult... and it's only been a few weeks ever since Michael has disappeared from my life...
I get up and away from the table and I go up to the bedroom.
I still haven't really gotten a proper sleep.... I have just been crying all night and every night as well as knocking myself out every night to stop the voices...
I close the door and look at the bed.
My heart drops and I grab at my hair and start to tear up violently.
I used to be so used to seeing Michael on the bed waiting for me to go in and snuggle them and flirt with them.... but now they are gone and the bed is always vacant and I am always alone now without his embrace and without his love....
Fuck.....
Fuck.........
Fuck...............
FUCK!!!!!!
I fall to my knees and put a hand over where my heart was.
I can't keep doing this... I can't keep living every day like this without Michael and having to be forced to go to therapy and to do things around the house.... I can't go on like this anymore....
I hate how the kids have to see me like this.... I feel awful for them having to deal with the way I am.... my failure of a self.... my disappointment of a father self....
All I do here is bring harm.... I make everyone upset...
Michael is gone because of me.... if I would have just been awake to stop them from being gone then I could be cuddling them right now and not be feeling like this....
I'm so empty.... the therapy isn't going to fucking help.... honestly, it made things feel so much worse.... I know I am going to be forced to reveal shit about Michael and I and everything that's happened and it's not going to fucking help at all because it's going to bring back all the memories and make everything just so much fucking worse....
I crawl up into a ball on the floor and hug my arms around myself.
I close my eyes tightly and begin to imagine that my arms are Michael's arms around me... that it is his arms pulling me close and petting my hair... nuzzling me and kissing my face all over....
God.... I miss him.... I miss him so so so fucking much......
I hear shrill laughter in my head. "Awwww, mind flayer!!! Showed a fool of yourself in front of your therapist today, didn't you? She thinks you're a freak already. She thinks you're weird... and she isn't wrong. I mean, look at you. You aren't fucking normal. Look at your eyes, look at your body, just look at you. You're nothing but a sad sad broken romantic little soul, aren't you mind flayer? You're nothing but a failure of a lover and a father and a son in law. You're nothing but-"
I CANT FUCKING TAKE IT WITH THE FUCKING HYDRAS VOCIE IN MY FUCKING HEAD ANYMORE!!!
Before I can hear whatever else he has to say to me, I roughly slam my head against the floor to attempt to knock myself out.... it doesn't work and all I can fucking feel in my head is pain.... pain of everything.... of the voices hurting my head and the impact of my head against the floor...
The Hydra laughs loudly in my head. "Awww, you failed at that too! What don't you fail at you pathetic waste of life??"
GOD DAMMIT SHUT UP!!!
I stand up and wobble a little over to the bed. I try my best to ignore the screams of 'Useless failure' from Henry and Mike as I collapse on the bed.
I immediately snuggle over to Michael's side of the bed and grab the pillow he always used and bring it close to my chest....
I close my eyes tightly and sob my heart out....
I just want Michael back.....
I want them to come back home....
I just want to see my love again.... why... why... WHY!!!!
I squeeze the pillow tightly while crying.
Eventually, and finally... I cried myself to sleep.... this is the third time I have fallen asleep on my own without knocking myself out....