tw: This chapter contains mentions of self-harm and abuse. Read with caution.
Draco seemed overwhelmed when he dragged my sobbing body into the empty common room while everyone else was at dinner. I'd expected him to release me when we had entered, but he didn't. Instead, he pulled me up the stairs towards the boy's dormitories and forced a door open before I was shoved inside the cold room.
"I'm so close to giving you Sleeping Drought if you don't stop fighting against me." He grunted while he held me back from running out the door. He locked it behind his back, and I looked up at him with nothing but anger.
"Why would you do that?!" I shouted at him. His hard face was almost amused while he scoffed and crossed his arms over his chest.
"Don't tell me you really thought Nott and I were dumb enough to have left you alone with him while he was that worked up. After what happened during the Holiday?" He gave me a bitter laugh. "Are you stupid? Where are your brains that everyone's always so fond of?" He said harshly.
"You should have left me!" I screamed back at him as I shoved him into the wooden door. A silenced covered us following my outburst and his ragged breathing was all I could hear.
"Are you okay?" His voice came out dangerously low. My furrowed brows and harsh gaze didn't falter as he tried speaking to me. "Where does it hurt?" His eyes stung as they moved over my body to guess what lied beneath the surface of my clothes.
"I don't know what you're talking about." I shook my head in denial.
"Tell me right now." He said sharply.
His eyes were starting to make me feel the fear he intended my stomach to expect. I stayed a distance from Malfoy all these years for a reason. Graham wanted it that way, and I would rather stay to myself than deal with his questions.
"I don't have to tell you anything." I replied lowly. I waited for his impatience to kick in and for a remark to leave his lips, but a new look that wasn't him took over his face.
I never thought I'd see the day where Draco Malfoy— who had picked on me and shut me out for years, was known for how heartless he was, the boy who used girls like they were made for his disposal, and was one of the next Death Eater's in line— was pitying me because of how I was treated.
"What did he do before we came in? What does he always do when no one's there to stop him?" He mumbled with his eyes locked on mine. I couldn't think of what to say anymore. "Don't make me look for myself-"
"You wouldn't." I tested him. Anger flushed my cheeks just like it had his. "He didn't do anything-"
"Don't." His eyes were darker now, and he balled up his fists until the knuckles turned white. "Don't ever fucking lie to me." He repeated the same statement he said the last time we had this conversation. "I saw what he did to your neck at his manor. I heard what he did today. I've seen the bruises before. Don't defend him any longer." His teeth gritted. "Tell me what you want me to do-"
"Don't do anything. That's what I want. You'll make everything worse!" I was starting to grow more upset. Our chests heaved just a few inches apart. His crystal eyes pierced my soul while he listened.
"I'm so sorry, Rook." Draco mumbled. I looked at his apologetic face with confusion on mine before my head started throbbing uncontrollably.
"Ow!" I winced before I felt my legs giving out. My hands grasped my forehead quickly, and I felt Draco's cold hands catch my elbows as I fell towards the floor, his wand clutched against my bicep as he performed his spell. I winced away from the touch, but he didn't let go.
My mind flooded with memories all leading back to after the death of my mother. When me father started his punishments. When the drinking became more important than me. How I ended up with Graham. When the boy started taking complete control over my life.
"Stop!" I begged, but Draco pushed through my memories to catch any detail he wanted while he held me up.
All the times I had run off to Blaise for comfort. When everyone started bullying me for sport. What happened when Graham found me with Theo in the library. What happened the night Draco got me in trouble. The locker room.
"Draco, stop it! You're hurting me, stop!" I sobbed as I held the sides of my head to ease the pressure in my temples. Draco stopped shifting through my thoughts when he had gotten his answers, and the headache finally stopped.
I backed away from fear before the backs of my legs hit his bed. I focused my blurred vision on the blonde. He knew he had just ruined everything between us. The room became very quiet.
"I hate you." I spat at him while my head felt like it could burst from the mental assault. "I hate you, Draco!" I repeated through my tears.
"Rook, you have to understand. I didn't mean-"
"You did!" I screamed. He let out a deep sigh and closed his eyes with regret. "I'm leaving," I sniffled before I paced towards the door.
"So, what? I'm just supposed to forget what I saw?" He stepped in front of me to block the door.
"You're just as bad as the others for what you just did to me, so don't fucking act like you care! You never do!" I shouted at him. "All of you abuse everyone around you! It's all you know to do! You just raided my mind against my will, and you expect me to hear you out? Fuck you, Malfoy! You're heartless, and cruel, and I wish I had never met you!"
I grazed my eyes up and down his figure in front of me before my already burning eyes caught the black ink peeking out below his sleeve.
My face shifted. No wonder he didn't care about being such a horrible human being. He already was one. His opposite hand pulled down on the fabric immediately to hide the Mark from me before I shot my eyes back up to his.
"Fine. You're right." He said darkly as he unlocked his door. "Go crawling back." His voice was frustrated from the lack of understanding I had. "You're more delusion than I thought." He scoffed. I rushed past him and towards Graham's room in hopes that he would return soon. Because I knew he'd need me to take care of him after what those two had done.
That was the life I lived. My brain was what Graham had wanted it to be. And I would go back every time because we were in love.
✧･ﾟ: *✧･ﾟ:*
He didn't come back that night. The only person who would be understanding enough to make all of the pain from today better was Blaise. So I finally gave in and did what I needed to do for myself— despite the pending consequences.
"Why can't anyone just ever leave me alone?" I cried into his familiar shoulder while he rubbed my hair and let me curl up into his side on the bed. "I'm a good person! I- I might not be worth much, but I'm good!"
"Don't say that. You're worth so much, love."
"Why does everyone h-hate me?" I sobbed.
"They don't. I don't. I'm sorry they hurt you, Princess." He whispered. I feared the outcomes of what had happened between Nott and my boyfriend, but I also feared how it would affect his mood.
Blaise kept his wand close on the bed, not only because he worried Graham would come to take me, but I think he was still on edge after he had been attacked until hospitalization a few days prior.
Blaise knew he was my biggest target. If Graham needed a way to get back at me, Blaise was the key to it. But nothing— not even Graham fucking Montague and his loathsome anger issue— could find a way to rip apart our friendship and ruin it.
He was my platonic soulmate. Someone you love deeply and connect to on a level others don't understand, all without the romantic feelings of lovers.
"Did you know Malfoy already took the Mark?" I sniffled. Blaise nodded slowly.
"While you were staying at my house. He sent me an owl before and after." He said flatly while he stared at the ceiling.
"That just means Graham is next." I whimpered. I knew what that toxic tattoo did to those who possessed it. Graham would only grow worse by the seconds as his bloodstream absorbed the ink, and my timer would tick down even faster. "I'll have to be there, and I don't want to watch." I shook my head.
"Isn't there something we can do?" Blaise whispered desperately. All he wanted was to take me and get as far away from all of this as he possibly could. To keep me safe and protect me. "I don't want this for you." He shook his head.
"You can't just give it all up. You still have people you need to be there for, and you'd have too many consequences for whatever ideas you're plotting." I argued with him. He tipped his head so he could look at me.
"You are my people. Malfoy was the only other person I would've considered being decently close on that list, but I don't even think I could look at him now after what he did to you." He rubbed his hand up and down my bicep. "Let's just run away." He begged. I gave him a weak smile and nodded faintly.
"One day." I lied. He knew that. But he'd still take it as a hopeful maybe.
My favorite place to sleep, if it wasn't with Graham, was snuggled up next to Blaise. Sleeping with someone meant you had safety and weren't alone. Because loneliness also means darkness. And darkness made me feel trapped and gave me a need to claw at the surface.
"What do you need, Astoria?" The light from the hallway coming in through the crack of the door woke me as Blaise looked outside.
His voice was tired, and I could tell it was still late— or early— in the middle of the night.
"Don't act surprised. Everyone knows you have anything anyone could want and then some." She bitched at him, and he rubbed his eyes with one hand.
"What do you need?" He asked her harshly. "If you and Pucey are fucking around again, tell him he's on his own this time." He tried shutting the door, but she caught it with her foot.
"No. I need vials." She explained. Everyone knew what vials were for. The easiest contraceptive to ensure you wouldn't get knocked up after a quick fuck. "I'm going to see Graham-"
"Oh, piss the fuck off." Blaise snapped at her. "Stay the fuck away from him, Astoria. I mean it. Last time was enough." He said coldly. I rolled off the bed quietly and slipped my slippers onto my feet. I didn't care how I looked in my baggy pajama pants or the large t-shirt I had taken from Blaise, I needed to escape this place once and for all.
I pushed Blaise out of the way before I shoulder checked Astoria and stomped towards the common room.
"It's not like she doesn't know we fuck around sometimes." She scoffed at Blaise behind me as the two continued to argue.
"Ray, just wait-" Blaise caught up to me quickly and tried to stop me. "Don't do anything stupid. Just come back to bed with me." I shook my head slowly, and tried to get words to form through the lump in my throat.
"I need to walk. And I need everyone to leave me alone." I told him in a dangerously calm voice. "I need space. Just let me get it." I moved out of his hold and ran down the steps. I wasn't surprised it had come to this the first time, and I wasn't surprised now. It had been months. Sleeping with other girls behind my back was just another way to get a dig at me.
How dare I let those boys attack him in the locker room? Why would they need to do that for me anyway? I probably sleep with them in my free time, too.
Those would be Graham's thoughts in that fucked up brain of his.
But I could only take so much of this before I had to find ways to take out my pain and inflictions. I needed to find other ways to remind myself how much I deserved these things because of how worthless I was to everyone.
"Rookwood."
I jumped from fright as I turned to face his hoarse voice. He walked through the dark corridors in his black cloak, and I took steps backwards to give us some distance. His grey eyes reflected the moonlight from the windows, and his hair almost appeared silver.
"Stay the fuck away from me."
"It's the middle of the night. What are you doing?" His voice was harsh. He probably wasn't over our argument from earlier either.
"Walking." I said honestly. "What are you doing?" I bit back at him.
"Are you forgetting that I'm your prefect?" He asked like I was stupid. His head tipped and his finger found the silver badge that clung to the fabric in his chest. "I could write you up."
"You could do a lot of things worse than that." I said angrily. His eyes started to study me again. My least favorite thing he spent his time doing.
"Don't talk to me like that." He shook his head.
"I'll talk to you however I want for how you treated me earlier!" I snapped. "Spare me the time, Malfoy. I don't want to do this with you anymore." I said with annoyance as I turned back around and walked towards an exit to the castle.
"But you're still willing to put up with anything having to do with Montague?" He mocked me as he trailed behind my steps. Ignore it. "You're lucky I don't tell him about you being in my room-"
"Then do it." I challenged him while I pushed the wooden door open. The sharp and frigid air outside struck me like knives, but I stepped outside in the short sleeved shirt anyway.
"Rook, you're going to freeze. Get back here." Draco called after me as he caught the door from shutting on him. "You know I wouldn't actually do that to you. I was just being a dick, come back in here." He waited for me to return, but I walked further from his voice and out into the crunching snow that lead towards the beach by the Black Lake.
"I don't trust a word you say! And you're always a dick!" I reminded him. I heard his annoyed groan before the door to the castle slammed shut and his footprints sprinted after mine.
"Rookwood, stop. Right now." He begged. He finally cut me off, making me walk straight into his chest. "Where are you going?" He asked flatly.
"I don't know. Anywhere. Somewhere. Away from here." I started to fumble over the words as reality crippled down on me. No one ever wants me. Not even Graham. I can't do anything right.
"I need to just make myself feel better." I admitted tiredly. I saw his head tilt while I stared straight ahead at his chest. I had never felt so defeated.
"I saw everything I needed to at the Winter Solstice party. I didn't need to read your mind earlier to know about what you're thinking. I healed them for you in Montague's bathroom the last time... I know what you're planning." He said quietly before his eyes flickered towards my exposed forearms.
"And I wish you didn't know. You don't deserve to know everything in my head, but you stole that from me, too! Just like everyone else steals everything!" I shouted at him. "I can't have anything that belongs to me! My body doesn't! My boyfriend doesn't! My life doesn't! Now my own thoughts don't!" My heart started pounding and my breathing picked up.
"But hurting yourself solves nothing! It doesn't change or fix any of that!" He yelled back. "Believe me— I know!" He argued.
"I'm not hurting-"
"Quit lying all the time!" He was upset as he pleaded with me. "Talk to someone about your shit! I'm sure Blaise would gladly listen! Does he even know what you do to yourself? Do I need to have a chat with him about everything?" He threatened me. I stayed quiet as I stared at him. His hands fiddled with his cloak before he swung it over my shoulders and clasped it for me.
I hadn't even realized how badly I had been shaking until his gesture started to warm me.
"I'm telling him." He said flatly like he had decided for himself.
"Don't." I whispered.
"Or I'll tell my mum." He pressed his words deeper.
"Stop." I was deteriorating right before him, and he knew that I would crack at any second. That's what he wanted. The reaction he craved.
A breakthrough.
"Fine. Zabini it is."
"Draco, stop!" I cried loudly. The guilt ripped at my chest, and his threats spiked my nerves further. I knew what I wanted to do was wrong, and that it wouldn't solve anything. But I couldn't stop.
Suddenly, it was all too much.
My hands found my hair and tugged at the roots viciously while I sobbed harder and thought of my pathetic life. My mum, Graham, Malfoy, Astoria, my father, Blaise, Theodore— everything and anything that could go wrong. I panted for clean air in the cold, and felt the snow burning my skin through my pajama pants as I fell to my knees.
"Rook." Draco kneeled in front of me. "Rookwood, relax."
"I can't." I shook my head and pinched my eyes shut. I couldn't hear him anymore as all the harsh words of my abusers flooded my mind and drowned out the rest of the world— reminding me of how pathetic I really was.
A panic attack. One that I couldn't escape.
"Rook, just breathe for me." He begged as he listened to my hyperventilating. I stammered over my words, and stuttered to try and communicate.
"I want- I- I just want my mum." I cried harder. "Make it stop." I was slipping quickly into my misery, and it only took another second before I caved to the inevitable black hole in my chest.
"Shhh. Just breathe." I started to hear his voice like an echo again, and I worried about how much time had passed during my breakdown.
That was the worst part about the suffering— it holds time hostage and steals from me just like every one else.
"Breathe for me, Rook." He begged me again. I couldn't do as he said as my breaths continued to inhale and exhale at a pace much too quick for my lungs to keep up.
It wasn't until now that I became slightly aware that somewhere along the lines he had sat on the snow next to me, and I had been bundled up into his arms that tried to stop me from shaking.
"It's okay. It's going to be okay. I won't do anything to hurt you." He promised while he carefully pried my fingers from my hair. My teeth chattered from the cold and I clung onto his suit jacket instead. "Think about something good— like Blaise. Think about how much you love Blaise." He mumbled against my hair while I tucked myself into his neck instinctively.
"Just breathe with me, Rook." He placed one of his hands over mine that held on to his chest desperately. "In and out. Just breathe in— and out." He kept his own breathing steady to try and get me to follow the rhythm. My body started to give in on its own and I dragged a slow and shaky breath in through my nose.
"Good girl. Just breathe with me." He whispered softly. "In and out." He repeated.
In.
And out.
In.
And out.
"Can you feel my breathing?" He whispered over my head. "Can you feel me right here with you?" His voice was low as he asked. I nodded desperately before he leaned back to see my tear stained and reddened cheeks.
"Good." He nodded before he let me drop my head forward again and rest it on his shoulder. "I'm not going anywhere." It took another few minutes before my breathing had settled completely and I gathered myself.
I was the one to shift from his hold, and he followed me as I stood to my feet. He took a wavering step back and shoved his hands into his pockets while he kept his expression locked.
"Why do you try helping me?" My hoarse voice asked him weakly. I regretted the question while I watched his cold face look down on me.
"Do you really think you're the only one who lives in this fucked up world? That we're all just side characters in your storyline?" He hissed at me. He shook his head and let out a scoff of annoyance because of my naive behavior.
"I've gotten the same lessons my entire life, Rookwood. I don't forget them either." He snapped at me again. "We all run in the same shitty circles. You and I— a little too well." He laughed breathlessly as he stepped towards me menacingly.
"My mother has a soft spot for you because of me. The only difference she sees in us is that when I grew enough to fight back with my father, you still couldn't." His sterling eyes made my spine crawl as he approached me.
"I know how the cigars and cigarettes feel when they burn you. How your throat burns when it wants to scream and it can't because you'll make it worse. How the punches, slaps, belts, spells feel. How you wish for them to hurt less."
I was surprised by how much he had known.
"You have to learn when enough is enough. Because if you don't, it will never stop!" He shouted at me while he stood right over top of me. "I learned. I learned my own lesson, and you should too." He gritted his teeth. His honesty couldn't be hidden from me now that I got a good look at the boy in front of me.
He was just as broken.
Just as hurt.
And he felt just as much agony as me.
But he had been better than me at one thing. He was successful in the area he had cracked out of me— the ability to hide it all away without anyone knowing.
"There's a reason I picked up healing, Rookwood. I thought I was the one I pitied all these years, but you have become my least favorite patient to mend." His voice shook for once as he said the words. My tears started to prickle at my eyes again, and I took back how horrible I had thought of him all this time.
"Draco." I breathed out weakly. The hurt I felt for him overruled the anger I had for this afternoon. Our pain felt just like the others as our eyes didn't break contact.
"We need to go." He said sharply as he walked around me. "You're going to get sick." The words he had told me earlier repeated, but this time they came out more demanding.