Izanami remained silent, her mind trailing far away from the Earthly spot that she stood upon – the years had changed, the locations had changed and even the Izanami of the past had changed. Yet the death and horror of life continued to persist around her. Izanami felt cursed yet she continued to remain still – every single sense of hers overwhelmed by those around her.
Armin's cries filled her ears, the touch of his tears warm against her cold skin, the smell of Franz's death stung her nostrils, the sight of Hanna's anguish excruciating to witness... and the taste of something dark in her own mouth held her tongue. Izanami felt cursed yet she continued to remain still – staring at the darkening skies, there was only one thought in her mind.
There is a purpose.
Whether it is mine or not... I shall know, one day.
With the weight of Armin, it was hard for Izanami to go anywhere from her position. She had no idea where she needed to go to find that purpose of hers. She had been assigned to the vanguard but all of them had been wiped off in front of her, and she had come to find the middle guard suffer the same. Now, Eren was gone, and Armin was in too much of a shock to let Izanami continue.
There was no way that Izanami could leave Armin behind and go off on her own to inform of the situation to the rest. And from what she was witnessing, the supply team had also abandoned their post. There had been no reinforcements, and Izanami was forced to pick off more gas canisters from the dead.
It was strange, the concept of survival – Izanami knew that it was disrespectful to pick up something from the dead's corpse, yet the drive of survival pumped through her body like the heat of gasoline. Izanami stood over the remnants of what had once been human like her and prayed for their souls.
But as her dark eyes took in their scattered appearance, Izanami also wondered if they were, at last, more human than she was. She wondered the linguistics, the progression from the word 'human' to 'corpse' – and she wondered, given that she had no purpose of her own, if she was also a corpse. The body that once breathed for a reason had died, and she breathed without a reason for living.
As they soared through the air, Izanami carried Armin on her back. He had cried himself into a deep shock and Izanami had no choice but to look for a safe location to drop him off before she was to continue on her trajectory toward killing more of the Titans that had infiltrated the city.
Titans roamed throughout the city and many of them had made their way far too deep into the city, with only the more arriving in droves. Izanami avoided their attention, given that she had her friend strapped onto her back. She did not stop until her eyes fell onto a safer location, given the presence of other humans. They were all standing on top of the roofs.
Stepping down on one of those roofs, Izanami let Armin down and let him rest against the wall. She moved back, opening her long hair to cool her head and get some air through so that she would not feel overwhelmed and uncomfortable when she returned to the battlefield.
"Izanami!"
This was a familiar, feminine voice and Izanami turned around to find Sasha Braus rushing in her direction out of excitement. The brunette threw her arms around Izanami and hugged her, talking so much and so fast that Izanami felt a bit disorientated by it, but she still patted the girl's back.
Sasha's presence meant that this group of cadets were one of the middle guards, and as Izanami glanced around again, she recognised them now. Having seen far too many half-eaten bodies had disassociated her from everyone and it was hard to imagine life in the eyes of these people until Sasha had called out to her and had come hugged her. But what truly brought Izanami back to reality was what happened next –
A pair of long, muscular arms encircled Izanami the moment Sasha had let her go, and Izanami felt herself press against a firm body as she was lifted upward, and her feet left the ground. Her open hair had covered her face but as she blew them out of her face, a familiar scent entered her nostrils as she realised who had hugged her.
It was Reiner Braun, and Izanami could not see his face with the way he was hugging her tightly to himself. But all the constricted feeling that she had felt within her body left her the moment she realised it was him. Instead, she felt strangely liberated as she reached to wrap her arms around him in return, tying them around his abdomen that she was pressed against.
"You're alive, Izanami," Reiner breathed against her head, and Izanami felt the heaviness in that breath. "I heard that the vanguard was wiped out – but you're alive – how could I have ever thought so lowly of you? Of course, you're alive and breathing here, Iza,"
Never had Izanami expected to see Reiner react like this, but as he set her down on her feet again and grabbed her face in his palms, Izanami found her eyes meeting his. Today, those sunlit eyes were clouded black with worry, and Izanami felt strangely sorrowful that his eyes no longer resembled the ones that were the reincarnation of the sun itself.
"You didn't get hurt anywhere, did you?" asked Reiner, almost frantically as his eyes traced the length of her body for any sign of hurt. "If you're hurt, let me know and I will carry you to the rear immediately and we'll get you checked out by the medical –"
"Reiner," Izanami interjected softly, reaching her hand up to place it on his lips so that he would halt. "I am uninjured," Reiner stared at her. "I... I apologise for worrying you like this, Reiner. And I am more than happy to see you doing alright as well,"
But Izanami was not the only one surprised by this sudden public display of concern from Reiner. She found her eyes tracing past him to fall upon Annie and Bertholdt, both of whom were watching the scene unfold with strange, inexpressive yet cold expression on their faces. Her eyes returned toward Reiner, watching him let out a long, heavy sigh as he dropped his head on her shoulder.
"You don't have to apologise to me," muttered Reiner against her shoulder as if he could not hold the weight of his head any further anymore. "You don't ever have to apologise about anything to me. No matter what you do... it's justified in every sense of the word..."
It sounded like Reiner was talking more to himself now than her, as if he was comforting himself more than he was trying to assure her. There appeared to be a strange burden on him, but Izanami only rubbed his back gently to comfort him, and he mellowed out more into her.
"... I am curious about why all of you are stationed here," Izanami said, looking around at everyone. "And now that I am here... let me know if any one of you is injured. I shall give first aid to you all,"
✾
While Izanami listened to everything that they had to say in regards to their own whereabouts, Izanami confirmed what she had already deduced: humanity had failed once more, regardless of how well-prepared they had been in the situation that the events of five years ago were to be repeated. Izanami had kept her silence for the most part, not keen on sharing her own experience.
For some reason, Reiner stuck around her for a while and appeared to continue to be worried about her even when she was the one helping others out with the first aid. His friend, Bertholdt, was suddenly keeping a distance from Izanami – and this distance was even larger than the one he had already had with Izanami back when they were trainee cadets.
Bertholdt had stared at her for a very long time, as if he was expecting Izanami to burst into flames the moment that the two of them would make eye contact. He looked strangely sickly, and his eyes kept on darting between her and Reiner. Izanami wondered if he was undergoing trauma as well.
"Hey, Jean!" called out Connie, who was amongst this group of people now rather than with Ymir or with Christa. He looked to the despondent boy sitting on his butt. "What should we do?"
"There's nothing we can do..." Jean responded. "They finally issued the order to retreat, but without more gas, we can't climb the walls. So, we're all going to die... all because of those cowards,"
"The supply team..." said Connie. "What happened to them?! Were they wiped out?"
"I have heard that they are currently too terrified to move from their position," spoke up Izanami as she threw her thick hair into a ponytail, putting them into a bun on the back of her head.
"I can see why..." Jean replied. "But abandoning their mission to resupply us, to hide inside HQ? Unbelievable,"
"It will be hard for them with the situation that they are in," Izanami responded. She pointed toward the tall building in the distance. "Titans have swarmed the vicinity. We cannot do anything further, either, with the supplies that we do have remaining,"
"Then we must take a chance and try to destroy the Titans around HQ!" urged Connie. "We won't be any worse off than sitting here... the Titans will be here before long! And if we keep running, we'll just waste the gas we have. Without use of our Manoeuvre Gear, we really are done for!"
"I'm surprised to see you using your head for once, Connie," Jean said. "But do you think we can do that, given our numbers here? Izanami just mentioned that all the veterans in the vanguard were killed. Which of us trainees could lead a suicide mission like that?"
"We've got Izanami, don't we?" Connie asked, and Izanami was surprised when he pointed toward her. "If she survived out of all the vanguard, she could definitely lead us safely,"
"Even if someone like Izanami could, we can't fight the Titans," Jean told him. "I bet the gas supply room is chock full of three- or four-meter class Titans. Obviously, we can't refuel with them around,"
"So, we're doomed?" asked Connie, and he looked toward Izanami. "Would you accept this, Izanami?"
"What a stupid life..." muttered Jean. "If I'd known this would happen, I would've told them,"
Upon these words, Izanami wondered if she had ever thought of life as being 'stupid'. She had never attributed any adjective to life – there was absolutely nothing in the world that could ever comprehensively explain what life was, especially in a single word.
Jean must have summed up his life in that word because it appeared to be what he must have been feeling at the moment. He felt stupid about doing this so life was stupid to him. Izanami felt nothing and thus, life felt nothing to her.
Yet there was still that desire to continue going – to continue to survive, whatever that meant in the long run. Izanami pursed her lips as she glanced around: it appeared she would have to do it alone.
"There is no need to lose hope as long as I am with you," Izanami replied calmly. "I have enough gas in my cannisters to continue onward. I shall take care of the Titans, and fetch the gas supply for all,"
"You're not doing that," interjected Reiner into the conversation, and Izanami looked at him in surprise only to find the softness on his expression gone. "You're not going alone,"
"Yeah!" Sasha agreed, her demeanour clashing with Reiner's. She turned to look at others. "Let's do it, guys! Come on, stand up... if we all work together, we'll be fine!"
When none of them answered her, Sasha tried to press further, "I'll take the lead," She looked around the place. "Armin, let's all..." She stopped at the sight of his expression.
"Reiner, what should we do?" Annie questioned from the tall blond.
"Nothing yet," Reiner responded. "If we do it, we do it all together,"
"It's hopeless..." whispered Marco Bodt as he looked toward the Wall. "There's no way any of us can make it out of this town alive. I knew I could die... but what am I dying for?"
Izanami pursed her lips, feeling a strange sense of disassociation from the situation as she turned away from them, getting ready to go off on her own when she was caught almost roughly by the arm. She turned her head around to look up at Reiner, who was looking at her seriously.
"I just said that if we do it, we will do it together," Reiner told her. "And as long as the rest of them don't gather themselves, we are not going to do it. 'We' includes you as well, Izanami,"
"Let go of my arm, Reiner," Izanami replied quietly. "I mentioned that I have enough gas in my cannisters to continue onward. My vanguard leader is dead, and I am not under the command of other cadets. I do not belong under the command of anyone but myself now,"
A look of pure astonishment surfaced onto Reiner's face as if he had never expected her to go against his order. As if a mere request from him would bring an agreeing Izanami into his arms without another question asked, "Since when have you become this selfish, Izanami?"
"I have always been this way," Izanami answered. "This is a stressful situation. I have to do something to fix it as I am the only one who can do so. Why does it matter what I am risking?"
"Would you like it if I told you that I'm going on a suicide mission all on my own?" Reiner questioned as he stared down at her. "That I'm going to up and leave into hordes of Titans by myself, Iza?"
Izanami opened her mouth to respond to him but there was nothing that came to her as she stared into his eyes. She had expected to present the argument that she would've allowed him to go if he was their only chance of survival, but a sense of selfishness dug into her chest – she would never allow Reiner to go into danger even if her life depended on it.
"... Reiner," came the voice of Bertholdt, and a hand reached to place itself onto his arm that was holding Izanami by the shoulder. But Reiner refused to look away from Izanami, something that appeared to make the tall brunet look even more sickly.
"... Izanami?" spoke the familiar voice of Mikasa, and Izanami looked toward her to find her walking rapidly toward her, the older girl's glaring eyes set upon Reiner. "Let go of her arm right now,"
Reiner removed his hand from Izanami, who realised that Mikasa must have not liked the sight of a man approaching her. Mikasa had never liked any men around Izanami, even when she assured her that Reiner was a friend. And blond men were especially disliked by her upon trying to befriend Izanami.
"Mikasa?" asked Connie, taken aback by the sight of her amongst them now. Jean looked up toward her at once, almost as if life had answered his last wish. "I thought you were with the rear-guard,"
"Are you alright?" Mikasa questioned Izanami as she reached the girl, checking on her body. "I heard the vanguard was wiped out," She glanced toward Reiner and Izanami nodded quickly. "Right,"
"I am doing well," Izanami replied, preparing herself to break the news to Mikasa about Eren but the girl quickly turned to look at someone else, having not expecting Izanami to meet the middle guard too extensively.
"Annie!" Mikasa said. "I have a basic idea of what's happening. And I'm sorry to involve my personal feelings, but did you see Eren's team?"
"I didn't see them, but no one's made it up the Walls," Annie responded. "Actually, we found her with him," She nodded at Izanami and then toward Armin.
"Armin!" called out Mikasa, rushing toward the blond with tunnel vision, and Izanami followed right after her in the understanding that she needed to break the news in a gentle way.
Terrified from the mere expression, Armin turned to look at Mikasa as she came rushing over to him and as she questioned him, "Armin, are you hurt? Are you okay? Where is Eren? Armin?"
With tears spreading down his face, it was clear to Mikasa when Armin stared at her about what had happened.
"The members of Trainee Corps team 34..." sobbed out Armin. "Thomas Wagner, Nack Tias, Milius Zermusky, Mina Karolina... Eren Jaeger! These five died valiantly in the line of duty!"
Mikasa remained standing still as Izanami reached her, and her grey eyes had turned completely black from the shock. But only a little aspect of that sheer anguish had surfaced onto her face. Izanami reached for her hand, giving it a gentle squeeze as everyone around them reacted to the news.
"Not only the vanguard... but team 34 was also almost wiped out, then?"
"If we try to face the Titans, the same will happen to us!"
"I'm sorry, Mikasa..." apologised Armin as he continued to sob on his knees. Izanami looked at him with worry and sorrow. "Eren... he sacrificed himself for me. I... I couldn't do anything! I'm sorry..."
"Armin," spoke Mikasa in a calm voice, setting her hand onto his. "Calm down. This isn't the time to get emotional. Now, stand up. Marco, if we eliminate the Titans swarming HQ, then we can refuel and climb the walls. Isn't that right?"
Izanami remained silent as Mikasa walked away from her and Armin, and toward the front of the group. She did not have a good feeling about this, given that she could very clearly tell that Mikasa was not in the right state of mind to be doing anything with Titans right now.
"That's right," Marco replied. "But..."
"But even with you here, there are too many..." Mikasa told them as she looked at them. "I can do it. I am strong! Stronger than you guys. Very strong. Therefore, I can defeat those Titans! Even on my own. You are not only weak, but you are spineless cowards. I am disappointed in all of you but Izanami. Just stay here... stay here and watch,"
"First Izanami and now Mikasa?"
"Hey, Mikasa! What are you saying?!"
"You're going to fight all those Titans by yourself?!"
"There's no way you can do that!"
"If I can't, I'll die," Mikasa responded, unfazed by their words. "But if I win, I'll live," She turned around to leave them all to fumble around amongst each other. "If I don't fight, I can't win," She flew off from there without another look.
"I will go after her," Izanami told them as she rushed to follow after Mikasa. "Take care of Armin for me and I will come back to fetch you," She glanced at Reiner. "I am not going alone, and I will come back alive,"
With that, Izanami dispatched off after Mikasa, reaching close to her fairly quickly. She tried not to overdo herself, using very little of her gas and mostly relying on her wires of her gear to soar through the air. But even as she killed her way through the incoming Titans, her eyes were upon the amount of gas that Mikasa was utilising.
After everything, even with Mikasa's speech, Izanami had hoped that the rest of them would not follow after them, but she soon heard the sound of others coming after them, lead by Jean.
"Hurry!" shouted Jean. "Follow Mikasa and Izanami! We do this fast. We need to storm HQ before our gas runs out!"
"Man, Izanami and Mikasa are amazing, though..." commented Connie. "How do they move so fast? Izanami's like a bird! No wonder she has so much gas left!"
Following after the girl, Izanami continued to keep her eyes upon Mikasa, her lips pursed at the manoeuvres the older female was making. None of it belonged to the usually calm and collected Mikasa – that girl was being reckless in her anguish and Izanami worried for her sake.
And then it happened – Mikasa's gas cannisters ran out, making her fall out of the sky and crash onto the street below. Izanami immediately went after her, followed after by Armin and Connie.
Izanami soared through the air, and she felt the heaviness of it against her skin. She thought back to when she was a young girl, when she was snatched from her grandmother's home – that had been the second biggest blow to her in her short life, and she recalled how that had felt.
For the time that Izanami had been in the capture of those men, the only thing that swam through her thoughts was survival. She had wanted to live. She had wanted to travel across the world and see what life had to offer. Izanami had burned with the desire to live, to exist, to move, to breathe.
Yet when she had escaped those kidnappers, Izanami had felt truly lost. The pain of being in unfamiliar lands had rekindled a pain in her chest. She felt lost as to where to start her life with. How to pick herself up. How to find the strength where to overcome the pain and find a reason to live. She was breathing, which was once the only thing that kept her going, and she had felt like fish out of water once she had been freed.
Life was a strange thing – how could Izanami yearn for a home when she had never known what it felt like? How could Izanami yearn to breathe yet feel suffocated by the air once she was free? How could she the desire to live in this world when it had been so cruel to her? It was a beautiful thing, to live and exist. And the thought of that could reduce Izanami to tears.
If there was nothing meant to live for, Izanami would not be living. She would not be fighting against death to live. Izanami felt like there was a morbid fate awaiting her, fattening her up with emotions and desires – only to snatch it away from her the moment she felt tethered to the world.
Maybe that was why Izanami was still alive and everyone else kept dying – they had something that stitched their feet to the ground and stretched their hands to the heavens. Izanami had nothing.
"Mikasa!"
There was Mikasa, Izanami found, on the ground in the middle of the deserted, dead-end street as a Titan walked toward her. Izanami had shouted because she had felt a string tether her to the ground in the form of fear that the Death would welcome Mikasa into its arms.
It was clear that Mikasa had cut off the fingers of one of the Titans to evade its grasp, but she had also destroyed her blades. She was continuously evading and dodging, almost instinctively but that was still nothing in regards to what she was capable of.
"Mikasa, you have to fight!"
Before Izanami could come swinging in to attack the Titan that was reaching for Mikasa, another Titan came swinging into the battle, punching the heavyset Titan in the jaw so hard that it destroyed its mouth and sent it flying several yards away from them. Izanami rushed toward Mikasa, who had gone airborne from the force of two Titans.
Yet even as she had landed to check on Mikasa, Izanami could not take her eyes off of the Titan that had attacked the other. There had never been a reported case where a Titan was witnessed killing another Titan. Izanami felt like she was at a loss with what she was seeing.
The attacking Titan was only 15 metres in height but had a very muscular build, although Izanami could not compare it to the Armour Titan. It had long brown hair, elongated ears, fleshless jaws and emerald-green eyes that appeared to glow. The stance that it stood in resembled that of a fighter, especially of a martial artist.
"What happened?" whispered Mikasa as Izanami helped her sit up, both of the girls unable to look away from the sight in front of them. "A Titan killing another Titan?"
But the Titan completely ignored the two girls and let out a whiff of heavy breath before following it by letting out a savage roar that almost deafened them. And then, without prompted, the Titan began to stomp the other Titan to death. The stunned Mikasa watches in awe, witnessing a Titan turning on its own kind.
Just then, Armin came swinging out of nowhere, snatching the two girls from the ground and taking them away with him to a nearby roof where all three of them landed heavily, "Izanami! Mikasa! Are you two hurt?"
Connie arrived next to him seconds later, questioning the same, "Are you three okay?" Armin nodded. "We need to move!" He turned around. "Oh, no! Two 15-meter class Titans!"
"That one... the long haired one..." whispered Izanami. "That Titan is..." She watched as it took the fighting stance. "That is an Attacking Titan... it knows human martial arts..."
The Attack Titan approached the other 15-metre Titan and they both exchanged loud roars. And the Attack Titan raised its fists and prepared itself for combat. The other Titan bellowed once more and charged toward the other, but the Attack Titan threw a heavy a punch to the side at the Titan's neck, beheading it at once and sending the disembodied head careening into a bell tower in the distance.
Izanami noticed that the force of the punch had peeled some of the flesh of the Attack Titan's fingers, but it easily regenerated itself. The beheaded Titan body on the ground tried to move again but the Attack Titan easily ended its life by stomping onto its remaining nape.
That gave away more and more certainty that the Titan had human intelligence. Izanami felt a strange chill go down her spine, and she gripped onto her blades very tightly.
"H-He finished it off?" Armin asked, shocked by what he had seen. "He knew where to hit it, to kill it?"
"We've gotta move before it comes after us!" Connie urged.
"No," Izanami replied. "That Titan has shown absolutely no interest in humans thus far. It should have attacked Mikasa and I... or the four of us by now,"
"It appeared to know rudimentary combat skills, too," Mikasa agreed. "What is it?"
"We just have to assume it's another Abnormal!" Connie told them.
"An Abnormal Titan that attacks its own?" Izanami breathed. "How close... to humanity are they?"
"We know barely anything about them..." Connie pressured. "Anyway, let's get to HQ,"
"Wait!" Armin replied. "Mikasa's out of gas,"
"Huh?!" exclaimed Connie. "Hey, seriously? What are we supposed to do without you? You and Izanami are the two people we need the most right now!"
"Of course, there's only one thing to do..." Armin replied. "I don't have much left, either," He began to undo his gas canisters. "But we need to exchange the canisters, now!"
"Armin!" Mikasa said as she looked at him.
"There's no other choice!" Armin told her. "There's no point in my having them. But..." He looked toward her. "Don't waste it this time. Use it to save everyone,"
"Armin..." trailed off Izanami as she watched him exchange everything for Mikasa.
"Okay, the starter device still works," Armin continued. "I gave you all my blades," He reached for her broken blade. "But please let me keep this one. I don't want to be eaten alive,"
Izanami stared at him, understanding why he would want that single broken blade to commit suicide within the case that he was to be devoured – but Mikasa took the blade from him and flung it off the side of the roof, much to his shock.
"Armin..." Mikasa spoke. "I won't leave you here. We're not leaving you behind, Izanami and I,"
While the two boys gathered themselves, Izanami found Mikasa turning to look at her and she spoke almost in a whisper to the younger girl, "I apologise, Izanami... for my actions,"
"It is alright, Mikasa," Izanami replied simply, knowing that it was a conversation for another time.
But Mikasa was not finished speaking, "At the time, I was filled with confusion... I'd never heard of a Titan killing another Titan. I also felt a glimmer of exhilaration, Izanami. I felt the rage of humanity itself was embodied in what I saw..."
That had been what Mikasa had told Izanami, and as the four of them set off from there, a strange feeling pulled at Izanami's heart. Mikasa had called that Titan to be an embodiment of humanity's rage as she had watched a Titan slay another Titan.
Yet Izanami could only see more and more similarity between that Titan and humanity itself. It was a morbid fear that set into her chest, the thought of a Titan killing another Titan like a human killed another human. It had displayed a level of humanity unmatched.
Izanami stared at the Titan in the distance as it attacked and demolished its way through the other Titans. She watched it turn and glance at them, and for a moment too long, she felt its glowing emerald eyes upon her. And she wondered, as her heartstrings squeezed onto each other –
Is this humanity's rage?
Or is it the humanity's curse?
✾
A/N: All of this is gonna bring a strange change in Iza and Eren's relationship~ guess what it'll be?
Also, I can't wait to write Iza with Levi + Hange. Also, Izanami is such an introspective character for me now.
Pls comment more and lemme know what you think.