"Oh Lord, oh Lord, I heard You, found myself and I'm searchin'
We been sinnin' but won't do it on purpose
Give it my all, goin' harder but my heart is still hurtin'
What did we do to deserve it? Yeah
It ain't the same in this world but I'm still here
Gotta be strong as I can having all these fears
Being stuck in these chains for so many years
But I gotta play the game 'cause I'm holdin' all of these tears."
Morray ft. Cordae "Still Here"
Nicole
"Nicole, don't make me do this to you." Dr. Jackie told me in a very serious tone. I sat up from the bed and pulled my shirt down.
"Please don't. I'll get my act together. I promise." I really do not want her to force me on a diet even though my situation kind of warrants it. Six months ago, I weighed 117 pounds. At my last doctor's appointment, which was three months ago, I weighed 131 pounds. Today, I am 153 pounds which is borderline obesity based on my BMI.
These past six months have been rough without Kyle. I have had no motivation to go to the gym or even work out at home. Food has really been my source of comfort. I know that's terrible, but I'm going back to being healthy very soon. I just need to get my mind right.
"No more junk food?" She asked.
"No more junk food."
"Okay." She turned back to her computer. My phone vibrated and I checked the notification to see it was a text message from my favorite Chinese food place, saying my online order was ready for pickup. I locked the screen and put the phone under my thigh.
I'll start tomorrow.
"I want to see you in at most three months so we can run these labs again. I don't want you to think I'm picking on you or making you feel bad on purpose. I just want you to be healthy and feel better."
"It's okay. I understand and I appreciate you for going above and beyond."
"Don't hesitate to contact me if you need anything."
"Thank you. Hopefully, the rest of your patients aren't as much of a headache as me."
"I can only hope." She joked, causing me to gasp while she started laughing. "Nicole, get out of here. See you soon."
"Bye, Dr. Jackie."
It's been exactly 183 days, 6 hours, 18 minutes, and 10 seconds since I said goodbye to Kyle.
Before he died, Kyle made all of the funeral arrangements. He wanted to be buried back home so that when the time came around for his mother's burial, she would be laid right beside him.
The funeral was simple but beautiful. All of my loved ones traveled to Nigeria to support me and I will be forever grateful. We wore all white. There was a small drizzle that day and we released doves into the sky. My friends and family stayed for two days after the funeral, while I remained with Kyle's mother for two weeks. They were willing to stay longer, but I ordered them to go home because I didn't want to hold them back from taking care of their responsibilities back home.
The day I was flying back to Atlanta, I woke up before the sun came out and went to the back of the house to sit by the water. I found the sound of the waves to be calming. No matter how hard I tried to think about the things I had to do when I got back, all I could think about was Kyle. His face kept popping up in my mind.
*************************************************
"Nicole!" I rose up my head and stopped drawing hearts in the sand to look behind me. It was Kyle's mother. "I almost started to panic. I went to your room to call you for breakfast, but I didn't see you. I asked everyone, but they said they haven't seen you this morning."
"I've been here. I just wanted to sit out here one more time."
"I made you some breakfast. You probably won't get another chance to eat until you've boarded your flight."
"Thank you, but I don't really feel hungry."
"Talk to me."
"I'm just drained physically, emotionally, spiritually. I don't have an appetite."
"I know how it can be. I went through the same thing when my husband died in a car accident. I just wanted to crawl into a hole and never come out, but with time I was able to get back on my feet to take care of Kyle. With my son, I knew what to expect but you're never really ready for something like that to happen. I know with God, I'll find the strength to move on again and you will too. I want to know that you won't feel like this forever. Remain prayerful and have faith that you can go back to the person you used to be and even better before."
"Thank you. You actually make me want to stay here a little longer."
"As much as I would love that, you need to get back home. Be in your normal environment and be surrounded by your amazing family and friends. I'll always be one phone call or text away."
"I'm going to miss you."
"I'm going to miss you too. Come on, let's go eat. Up, up, up." She pulled me up onto my feet.
"Fine." I smiled.
*************************************************
I'm really one of those people who arrives at the airport three hours before my flight. The way my anxiety is set up, I can't be stressed about getting my bags checked, going through TSA, and finding my gate in a small time frame. Plus, I always have this fear of a flight leaving an hour before its time. When Kyle's mother was dropping me off at the airport, she handed me an envelope. She didn't tell me what it was, but she said it was from Kyle. I didn't open it until I got home. There were two letters. One was personally handwritten by him and another one from his lawyer.
The one addressed to me from his lawyer stated that he divided his wealth among the three of us: 50% to his mother, 30% to me including his house and cars here, and 20% to charity. I honestly didn't think I would get that much. No amount can compare to having him here with me, but I appreciate it from the bottom of my heart. Kyle's letter was everything to me and it was like I could hear him reading it to me.
To my beautiful Nicole,
I'm writing this letter to you with the hope that it brings you comfort as I would have been gone by now. I know in my heart that God sent you to me as my guardian angel during my trying period. You gave me the most real type of love: unconditional. You helped me feel loved and secure, and grow into my best form. I wish things could have been different. I would have loved the opportunity to cry as I watched you walk down the aisle and hold your hand as you give birth to our children. I know in my heart that the love you had for me was true and I thank you for giving me all the love and affection I needed and more. Wherever you're ready, I want you to find the everlasting happiness you deserve and build the family you've always wanted. Don't cry over my loss anymore because I've fulfilled my purpose on earth and I am now free of any physical pain. I'll cherish the moments we shared forever, my love.
With the utmost appreciation,
Kyle Laurent
I stayed in my bed for days without talking to anyone or answering the door or phone. That letter sat on my chest as I twisted the ring he gave me on my finger. I eventually got a special box where I locked the letter inside.
The ring he gave me is too tight on my finger now. Since I don't like going without it, I put it on a chain.
Ever since I've gained weight, the few times I've been outside have sparked up pregnancy rumors. People can be so insensitive at times, but I've been doing my best to ignore it. I know it looks like I'm not denying what they've said because I have refused to address it, but some things don't need a response or explanation in my opinion. If I was in fact pregnant, I would make that announcement on my terms. As long as I know that I'm not pregnant, and the people closest to me know that I'm not pregnant, I really don't care what people say.
I will admit that I've been kind of teasing the public a little bit. I did have a sale for Mother's Day, putting an emphasis on first-time mothers. I also have a new collection coming out for an eyeshadow palette that is coming out in about two months and I'm calling it, A Star is Born since it features bright yellow and orange shades.
I honestly don't go out unless I need food. I have meetings on Zoom and work from home. Thank God I shot a bunch of photos and videos beforehand because it's been a struggle to get out of bed sometimes.
I left Dr. Jackie's office and went to go pick up my food. I got a quart of special fried rice with egg rolls. I also got some crab wontons.
I heard a ding go off in the car. I almost thought I was going out of my mind until I looked at the dashboard and saw that the gas light was on. I know you are not serious right now.
Thankfully, I'm not far away from my favorite gas station. It's a Chevron and it's the only one around that I know has a slushie machine inside. I pulled into the gas station and stopped next to one of the pumps in the middle. There weren't a lot of people pumping gas, but there was a fleet of cars in front of the entrance of the convenience store with guys sitting on their hoods.
I got out of my car and went to the screen. It said to pay inside.
"Jesus, why?" Don't get me wrong, I'm not calling those men thugs or anything. I just don't want to deal with the catcalling today. Hopefully, my baggy sweatsuit deters them.
At least I can get a cherry slushie and some hot Cheetos.
I pretended to be busy on my phone as I walked to the entrance before a homeless man stopped me.
"Do you have any change miss?"
"I'll give you something when I come back out."
"Thank you. I really appreciate it."
"You're welcome." I went to open the door before someone from behind me grabbed the handle and opened it for me.
"I got you ma."
"Thanks." I avoided eye contact with him but I noticed that he had zebra Yeezys as I went to the chips aisle. I took a bag of flaming hot puffs and then turned to the Oreos. While I debated between the golden and regular ones, I could see from the corner of my eye a pair of zebra Yeezys. I grabbed the golden Oreos and went to the back where the slushie machine was. I filled a medium cup and looked for a straw. Over at the coffee machine, I saw the zebra Yeeyzs again.
Let me get my *ss out of here.
I went to the cashier and placed my items on the counter. He scanned the barcodes through the plastic shield and gave me a bag for my snacks.
"Can I get 50 on pump 5?"
"Yes ma'am. Your total is $54.32."
"Okay." I pulled out my debit card from my card holder. If I use Apple Pay, I won't be able to get cashback.
"I got it."
"Thank you, but I can handle it."
"A pretty lady like you shouldn't have to worry about gas. Let me take care of it."
"Sir, can you please stop? Help someone who really needs it. It's not me." I inserted my card and chose the option for $20 as cashback. "Can I get it in fives?"
"Sure. Have a good day."
"Thank you. You too." I grabbed my things and left the store. "Here. I hope you can do something with this." I handed the man $10 and received a toothless grin.
"God bless you beautiful."
"You too." When I got to my car, I tossed the bag into the passenger seat and placed my drink into the cup holder. I put the nozzle into the car and selected number 87.
"Yo ma!" I rolled my eyes as this man approached me. He just doesn't give up.
"Can I help you?"
"Why the attitude? I'm just trying to talk to you."
"Maybe you didn't get the hint earlier, but I am not interested. It has nothing to do with you, so please don't waste your time."
"That's what's wrong with you b*tches."
"Excuse me?"
"Y'all complain about us not proving ourselves and when we do, you'll don't appreciate sh*t. Just because you're driving this Urus, you think you're better than me? I know you f*cked a lot of n*ggas to buy this car. I don't even know why I even bothered to entertain your *ss because you're probably washed up. Stupid *ass h*e." I watched him walk away without saying a word. I just shook my head because I felt sorry for him. He probably grew up in that type of environment or was burned by a woman.
Either way, he has no shame or respect. One day, I'll f*ck around with the wrong one that will give him a response he won't like. As for me, I'll leave him alone because I have more important things to think about.
I took the nozzle out of the car when it was done. I grabbed the receipt and got in the car. I drove off and hopped onto the main road.
A call started coming through car play. It was Tae, so I picked up.
"Nic Nic!"
"Hey, what's up?"
"Uh uh, why do you sound like that?"
"I'm fine. Someone just annoyed me."
"Where they at, so I can f*ck them up!"
"Chile, I don't need you waving that new green gun around."
"It gets the job done. Anyway, where are you coming from?"
"I picked up some Chinese food and went to get some gas."
"Ooouuu, I should come over so we can hang out."
"Keep your greedy *ss at home, sir."
"I wasn't asking."
"I will literally not be at home if you try that."
"Are you serious?"
"Yeah, I'm going to drive over to my Dad's place. He's off today so I'm going to go bug him."
"That man is so fine."
"Get off my line."
"I'm just joking."
"Bye Tae." I giggled.
"Bye Nicole." He sang.
I got to my Dad's house after 15 minutes. His car was in the driveaway, but all of the lights were out. I grabbed the food and went to knock on his front door. I knocked several times but he never came to the door.
Maybe he went out for a walk.
I sat down on the porch and took out my phone to call him. As I put the phone to my ear, I saw my Dad coming out of the neighbor's house from across the street. He looked happy. There was a little pep in his step.
The call went to voicemail. He didn't even bother to look at his phone.
"Look who we have here. What are you doing on this side of town?"
"I decided to get out of the house. Thought I should stop by. I was wondering where you were. Did Justin and Maya invite you over for Scrabble again?" He helped me up and we went inside.
"No, they're not even home. They're out of town for their grandson's kindergarten graduation."
"Oh. Was Janet there?" That's Justin's sister.
"Nah, she went with them. Alfonso was home." That's Maya's brother.
"Well, I guess my assumption was wrong." I grabbed a bottle of water from the fridge and twisted the cap off before taking a sip.
"What were you thinking?" He asked taking a bite from an egg roll.
"I thought you had gotten some the way you looked so happy."
"I did." I almost choked.
"Dad, are you serious? You and Alfonso?"
"Yeah. We've been talking for a couple of months now. I'm thinking about making it official."
"Wait, I don't mean any disrespect so please don't take this the wrong way when I ask you this. Did something happen in prison that made you switch sides?"
"No, I wasn't raped or anything like that. I thought something was wrong with me when I started developing an attraction to him when we were hanging out, but I decided to let things play out and here we are."
"Why didn't you tell me?"
"I didn't know how you would take it."
"I don't care if the person you love is female, male, purple, or yellow. I just want to see you happy."
"I love you, crazy girl."
"I love you too." I hugged him.
"So, what did you want to do tonight?"
"I was thinking we could go to the movies."
"Yeah, that sounds good. Are you trying to see that new Fast and Furious movie?"
"Now. Actually, the Little Mermaid."
"Now Nicole."
"Please, Dad. I want to go support our black Disney princess, Halle. You might end up liking it. Pretty please? I'll buy you some Mike and Ikes."
"Fine."
"Yay! You're the best."
"Yeah yeah. Let's go before I change my mind." I followed him out of the house. I waited for him to lock the door.
"So when will I be introduced to Alfonso?"
"Very soon."
"Hopefully before he changes his mind."
"Trust me, he's not going anywhere."
"I know that's right." I grinned.
Despite what's happened to me in the past year, I'm still standing. I'm still in the healing process but I will get my life together. Kyle accomplished so much even though he was racing against time, and that inspires me so much. I want to give my best in everything I do, so I won't have any regrets.
I know I can do it.
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