Dear Astraea,
I love you.
No amount of 'I love you in the world could describe the feeling I get whenever I lay my eyes on you. I see happiness and love embedded in your eyes.
Today you and I spent the morning looking at different venues for our wedding. That spark in your eyes and your laugh keeps me alive. You went wedding dress shopping yesterday with Hera and Blaire. You were beyond thrilled about us getting married. For a moment, I was too. All I wanted was for you to always keep that smile on your face. I hated to see you cry.
We settled on the beautiful venue overlooking the ocean. I knew my time here was limited. You didn't think I was going to take my own life. I blindsided you, and I'm sorry. Tomorrow I'm taking you to the wedding venue. I want to kiss you in the place of the wedding we won't have. I want to know that I kissed the love of my life in the place where we'd get our happy endings. I hope that once my lips touch yours tomorrow, I'll find some clarity that will keep me alive.
I want to stop the voices. I need the pain that's aching in my chest to stop. I want you to heal me, my love. You don't see how drained I am. I don't show you that part of me, and it's my fault. I should've been more open to you. Maybe if you had known earlier, you could've healed me.
Rea, my love, you did heal me. You brought me back to life countless times. Now, I'm drowning in water that can't be drained.
You've saved me many times, and now it's my turn to rescue you. You deserve better.
In five days, I'll be concluding these messages to you. I'll miss you. I'll miss talking to you. I'll miss your voice. I hope you won't be the one who finds me. I couldn't imagine the pain you'd endure if you saw my lifeless body on the floor. If you are the one who did discover me, I'm sorry, my love.
I love you. I love you. I love you.
I tried to give you the world. I wanted to spare you my pain. If you found me, I want you to know I want you to live. Even though you're living without me, you'll find happiness. Each time you're around Roman and Blaire's kids, I see a happy smile on your face and pure joy. Stay close to your family. Let them help you. You won't be okay, but I want you to know I'll be here by your side forever.
I'll wait for you, my love.
Astraea.
I wouldn't want you to hate me. I know you're probably angry. I know how painful death can be. You're losing your best friend and fiancé. I wish I could've given you everything you desired. I failed you. Over and over.
I'm sorry. I should've fought harder for you. I shouldn't have given up on myself. I'm sorry.
You and I have tried to have a family after our loss six years ago. We never got lucky. Every test was negative.
Four months ago, Astraea, you took a pregnancy test because you were three weeks late. You didn't want to take a test for fear it would be negative. But that night at 3 in the morning, you got your first positive test. At that moment, I knew I shouldn't leave you. I'd be selfish if I left my fiancé, who's pregnant. I'm still breaking your heart more, but once I'm dead. I won't hurt you anymore. I promise.
Today I brought you to your first appointment. I sat by your side. I held your hand. You had such a beautiful smile on your face. I wouldn't want you to think I wasn't happy. I was thrilled for you. Astraea, you were getting your happy ending. You've always wanted a family of your own. My tears today were because I'm afraid that I'll disappoint you.
I'd be a terrible father. I can barely take care of myself. My mental health has been circling the drain for years. I don't want our child to be raised by a man whose depression and anxiety have consumed him. I'm an empty void. I have voices that won't stop driving me closer to taking my life. I've burdened you enough with my mental health. Now it's time I let go.
I'm sorry, my love.
Sincerely Greyson Allori,
P.s I'll always love you, Rea.