I walk into Ross' room with Matty. I get the sense that Ross is looking for me to check I've come to see him, and he smiles when he sees me.
"Hey" I say when I get to him.
I don't touch him, like I usually would. I feel like I'm going to have to start being more clear on my boundaries with everyone.
"We brought you some notes. Sorry" I laugh.
"Thanks guys that's helpful." He says smiling.
I stay standing by the bedside, I'm going to make sure I remember how well he looks so that next time I dramatically want to have a moment, I can remind myself that he's all good.
Ross' blonde hair is out in its normal loose waves. His blue eyes look more awake than woozy. He's changed into a black T-shirt.
I smile back at him.
"You look so much better, and in less pain" I say.
"Thanks, yeah I should be out by the end of the week. I just have to go back for check ups and physio. No riding the bike though. Which sucks" he says.
"I might just be able to get away with driving my car, I'll ask them" he smiles at me.
We talk for a while longer about normal things like hospital food, and uni. I ask him if he wants us to get anything or bring anything for our next visit. He says he wouldn't mind some more clothes, and hands me his keys. I'm more than happy to nose around his room. He smiles at me and asks me to bring him a book too. I never pictured him as a reader, but I see it now. And then I remember he's studying English lit and kick myself. Once the silence grows it seems Ross is getting tired, because of the meds so we tell him we'll see him soon.
I hug him before we go. To be fair I do hug all of my friends.
"I'm so glad you're getting better" I whisper in his ear before leaving. He smiles at me and tells me he's missed me. I stroke his hair. Then I follow the guys out.
We walk down the corridor it's already half 5 and I want out of this place.
"You wanna ask at the desk..." Matty begins.
"Lord no I want you right now" I tell him smiling.
He smirks.
"Sure you don't want to check" he begins.
"Take me home" I ask him sweetly.
"You heard the women" Jay laughs smiling at me.
Why is he always on my side?
"Okay but no uni for you tomorrow not until you feel better" Matty says. Decidedly ignoring Jay.
We approach the others who are sitting and eating takeout.
"Ah you could have got me something" Jay says nicking a chip from Rach. He rests on the back of her chair. Leaning into her he kisses her cheek. She smiles up at him clearly in awe.
"Later everyone" Matty says pulling his arm around me.
We all say goodbye. I stick to Matty and he keeps his arm firmly around me.
Once in the car he breathes out a sigh of relief. His hands are slightly shaken I notice.
"Don't drive just yet" I say, eyeing him warily.
"If you feel stressed" I add and I smile.
"I'm fine" he starts up so the heater comes on.
I stay quiet.
"I just want to be at home with you now." he says pulling off.
The snow is flurrying in front of the lights but Matty knows what he's doing. He is quiet on the route home. Concentrating.
I stare out of the window. Just breathing.
"Taylor please talk to me" he says quietly.
"Matty I love you but you're gonna have to give me a bit of time" I say and I can't believe I just came out with it.
"I mean normally, like you normally would" he says.
"I miss you so much talking about shit in my ear" he chuckles. I smile at him and we are quiet again for a little bit.
"I love you that's a given." He says breaking my chain of thought.
I breathe out visibly when we are stationary. I feel relaxed again.
"I'm not going to drive dangerously and I'm not going to have an accident with you in the car. Okay. It's not going to happen" he says looking at me.
"I know that" I say. I do know that he is the safest driver I know.
We walk into the house and he puts my stuff upstairs. I sink into the sofa and wrap myself in a blanket. He comes down and lights the fire. He puts some food on and then returns.
He climbs on the sofa next to me, he kisses me on my lips and puts his arm around me. He always shows me so much love and affection.
We sit quietly for a while and then I decide I can form my thoughts properly. I'm so grateful to him that he waits for me to be ready to talk.
"When I close my eyes I see Ross and I feel the panic I felt when I found him. It's debilitating. I keep remembering his blue mottled skin. And how he wouldn't respond. I thought he was dead. And when we're driving it intensifies that memory so I'm just trying to work my way through that right now. The coldness I don't know" I say.
"Okay I understand that, you went through a very traumatic experience and I get it. Nobody expects you to just be okay. And i'm here to help you in whatever way I can, I can love you back together if you like." He says laughing.
I chuckle and he looks relieved.
"How were your lectures" he asks openly standing up and pulling me with him into the kitchen. He sits me down at the table and I watch him cooking. His shirt is off and he pours me some wine handing it to me smiling.
"Thanks, I kind of couldn't even get through psychology." I say
He looks at me briefly and then carries on frying.
He's making steak. I'm so lucky. His brunette hair has grown out a little bit again and he brushes it back and off of his boyish face. His jeans hang perfectly off his hips and I can't help but to stare at him and bite my lip.
He catches me and smirks.
"So I went in to psychology tried to relax but couldn't, Jay suggested I take a moment outside." I say.
"He did?" Matty smiles I can tell that is a loaded statement. What did he do to you? What did he say? He wants to ask.
"Yes and to be fair I just stood outside and got my breath back. I think I was shivering a lot. I had stupidly taken my jumper off and left it inside the lecture hall." I say and sip my wine.
"Did he make you feel uncomfortable at all?" He asks me facing the other way.
"Actually no, shockingly he just gave me his jumper because I was cold" I say.
"Right" he says. He plates up the food and passes me mine.
I realised how hungry I am and thank him.
We eat and then I stand up to clean, he tells me to leave it. He stands up in front of me. Facing me he kisses me passionately. His hands going around my clothes and pulling them off. I laugh but I'm all for this.
"You're eager" I tell him.
"Mmhmm I need you right now Taylor" he says in my ear.
I smile, it's just what I wanted to hear.
"Is that a problem ?" He chuckles.
"Definitely not" I tell him.
He pushes my skirt down. Looking down at my leotard. He hoists me onto the table so I'm sitting in front of him.
"So do you remember when you first sat on this table babe?" He asks smiling.
"Mhmm yes" I say back smiling. When I first met Matty it's fair to say I found him irresistible from the get go. We did make out on this table, it was my fault really I just wanted him so much.
"I wanted you so much Taylor, the whole fucking night" he says.
"I wanted you all night long. Wanted to take you off of him and pull you into my arms and keep you there" he smiles.
"Look how far we've come babe" I tell him and smile. I kiss him sweetly. Running my hands up and down his back.
He deepens the kiss, unclips my leotard and pulls it off of me. I'm not wearing a bra again because the leotard has support in it and he smiles, his wide smile.
"Happy with yourself?" I laugh.
"Very" he says hoarsely.
He starts by playing with them with his hands. After hearing me beg him for more he escalates to sucking on them slightly, I lay back onto the table.
"I feel like you're severely overdressed" I tell him.
He winks at me. He kisses down my whole body. This is the most relaxed I've felt for days.
I place my hands in his hair.
"I want you baby" I tell him.
"Mmm fuck" he says and pulls off his jeans and boxers. I sit up slightly. Taking in the view.
I stand up close to him and I can't believe we're naked in the kitchen.
I kneel down in front of him and I take him in my mouth straight away. I hear him gasping my name and I feel so empowered. I've done this to him a few times, and clearly he loves it. We haven't done it standing up before and it feels better. I glance up at him and his hands go in my hair.
"Fuck Taylor, please let me have sex with you now" he gasps.
I slowly move him in and out of my mouth. He's mesmerised. He places his hand behind my head and plays with my hair. I let him control my pace for a bit.
"You're so naughty babe" he tells me.
"You want me to make you come with my mouth" I ask him. Briefly stopping.
"Taylor fucking hell" he gasps.
I take him in my mouth again. His hand goes in my hair and I let him move me at his own speed.
Eventually he finishes, I really fight the urge to gag. I do go over to the sink and clear my mouth out but it's not that bad at all.
He joins me at the sink and rubs my back affectionately.
He turns me around and pulls me into him.
"I love you so fucking much" he says stroking my hair down my back.
"I love you too" I say smiling.
"You didn't get to come baby" he says in my ear.
Kissing me.
"Babe that time was all for you" I say smiling at him.