DECEMBER 23rd, 1979 – outskirts of Riverton, Wyoming
The night was old, but the darkness still had a long way to go, and the winter months found comfort in the longest of nights. Ennis had made peace with them, a particular pleasure in their unforgiving temperament. The howling winds, not at all halted by his humble home, and a space heater he was able to pick up at a secondhand store that warmed it were welcomed guests alongside permanent tenants such as a decade's old radio and a valued set of gold-rimmed whisky glasses he'd been given as gifts for an anniversary that was never supposed to be celebrated.
He'd been fully dressed and suffering through heavy sleet only 30 minutes ago. His regular garb over long johns had encased him in an overwhelming heat he no longer found comforting and needed to get out of as soon as his body began to settle from the cold and into the gentler chill of the inside of the trailer. From there, it was the usual cigarette, to small dinner, to shower, to teeth brushing, to bed routine he had burned into every surface surrounding him—nothing much changing apart from the season.
Tonight was heavy on his shoulders. His energy was drained, and he was tempted to halt mid-way through his ritual and give in to the weight of the idea of falling asleep.
But he pushed through, making it feel that much better when he finally got to lay down.
The crick and crack of his knees and back sound off as he slides under each layer of bedding. A fresh coolness against his naked torso welcomes him as he relaxes. He feels his bones float in the loosened muscles keeping him together and his guts settle just the same as he sinks deeper into the mattress and under blankets as aged as he was.
An unintentionally long day had locked him in its grip, taking on the opportunity to pull a double shift to earn some extra money to recoup what he spent on the Christmas gifts he'd given to the girls. It seemed like a good idea at the time; his pockets felt the reward, his body was the toll. It wasn't anything he wasn't familiar with, though. "Del Mar the Reliable," as he had been nicknamed among his peers, was nothing but ready to keep things on track and above normal operations so long as he was left alone when he said he needed to be left alone. Money was thin, but he lived in a small enough manner that what he was able to make treated him just fine.
As always, even though his thin frame made him unwillingly prone to the cold, crisp white cotton boxers and a matching pair of thick calve socks made up his pajamas. Dark golden hair slicked back from a drying dampness, and the space heater on a timed cycle at its highest setting teased him. He was snug underneath the OD green wool blankets. His skin was warm enough to recognize as his own, and for a moment after he had finished scratching a patch of skin on one of his shoulders, he wrapped both of his arms around himself, resting his hands on either bicep... gliding them in slow up and down motions.
It reminded him of Jack.
They'd been limited in their correspondence the past couple of months. The holidays were always a rough patch for the duo. More so now than ever before. Having to balance the charade he'd been forced to put on in the eyes of his in-laws and wanting to be treated as commonly as possible when in Ennis's presence, Jack had a long-lived frustration with the relationships he had become so dependent on. Ennis was never unaware of Jack's discomforts. Never able to speak a word when it came time to hear Jack vent his heart into the air. So, the thought of Jack had a weight like nothing else on his mind. All-day, every day... the knowledge of him. Sparkle in his eyes and a vivid gleam in his teeth made their presence known in the moments Ennis would find his mind drifting off in any silence he found himself in. Sometimes instead, a gruesome crimson staining the whites of his eyes as the aftermath of tears brought on by a wave of anger just as unforgiving as the cold they'd be surrounded by and a frown, not at all moved from its cemented position. But Ennis fought to dedicate a blank stare towards nowhere in the hopes of finding its way back to Brokeback. Bringing them together, under more rugged bedding and with only seconds between their curled lips keeping them separated.
Sleep brought them together in calmer scenarios. Both when they were alone and in the flesh, but unlike when they were together, sleep, when it was just Ennis, was slow to answer his beckoning most nights. A shot of Comfort, a hot shower, some random talk radio channel barely heard, and the monotone humming of his trusted space heater lulled him well enough into a state of relaxation, but it wasn't enough to lay his mind to rest. Especially when the ideal gentleness of his blue-eyed other half stayed firmly with him, tonight was one of those nights he'd come to find out. He thought he'd be too tired to even be able to form any coherent memories of them together but remembers that he knows better than to expect to own any control over how his mind reminds him of things that layout of his reach.
He huffs.
If he couldn't sleep, he figured he could give in to another cigarette, but the coziness of his bed made him do otherwise. Besides, he read somewhere that they didn't make sleeping problems any easier to deal with.
He brings his hands to his face and sighs heavily into the darkness.
Restlessness, he figured being the culprit to his problems, has been quick to break him. Nothing he's ever been one to experience in the past, but as of late, for the past couple of months especially, he can't help but feel like there's something wrong with his setup.
The loneliness.
He can hear Jr's last invitation in his head.
She had made it very known to him that she was very against him spending another holiday alone.
(JR) "Daddy... there ain't no need in you doin' this for another year... we got more n' enough room ta' welcome you. I'm sure momma n' Monroe would enjoy seein' you. Me n' Jenny jus' hate knowin' yer out there alone. You know we do... You know I do."
She had to bring it up once during the month, and he let her. Knowing it was only in his best interest that he had another somebody looking out for his well-being. He had just grown accustomed to spending this time alone... if he couldn't spend it with Jack.
~
Ennis had made the successful effort of spending a significant holiday with Jack.
A New Year's Eve in their early 30's was the most he could give without feeling guilty or rather any more than he already felt.
He made it well known to Alma and the girls that this was a gift to himself, and he needed nothing else. Alma kept her mouth tight... knowing... She figured he hadn't left her and had even gifted her the most beautiful sundress that year. Charming her even further with an open mouth and what came out of it.
(E) "I ain' never seen somethin' that reminded me a you n' the way a clothes before. I saw it in a window downtown n' couldn't stop seein' you in it. I figure we... can go on a trip somewhere we ain' never thought ta' go before n' you could go n' put it on. I'm sure you'll look right pretty in it."
So, as she had learned to do so well, she kept her pain as silent as her husband had kept his secret and muted her hatred with hugs and kisses between her & the girls and gave way to tears in her privacy.
He convinced himself he was doing his best. Balancing the two... but thinking on it too much, especially thinking of Alma in all of it, irritated him. He never asked for any of this. Is a reassurance he was too familiar with. She couldn't know any better, and she enjoyed the gift... it was enough for him for the time being until he was pressured into choosing between her & the girls and Jack at some other inevitable crossroad.
Ennis had let Jack gift him with his first leisurely time in a major metropolitan city to get the full effects of the masses and their rowdy expressions towards a change in the calendar year. Like most social affairs at that point, Ennis didn't fully understand all the commotion... but Jack was always the "ah-ha" moment. The blue in his eyes made so many varied shifts in the neon bar lights they'd pass under like he'd never witnessed. Glossy and radiant. They were telling of how good of a time he was having.
They settled down in a bar that had been blaring "A Boy Named Sue" out of a door as they passed by, and others seemed to immediately have the same attraction to him. Skirts, of course... Welcoming enough to a bunch of them to have them grab him by the collar, pull him onto the dance floor, have their way with him and him being more than willing to participate.
Ennis felt the appeal when it came to see exactly what was so special about the city.
Just as dashing as Jack but in a more... brooding... of ways, he got a handful of invitations to dance, but kindly declined as he wanted to keep an eye on Jack. In case things got rowdy. Maybe he picked the wrong lady to give into, or that slick mouth of his was interpreted as a test of a man's character instead of as a harmless jest. The bar seemed lively enough, though. Reflecting Jack's happy-go-lucky "love is for everybody" kind of aura.
Like sunshine while it's raining.
That boy... 6-foot of blue-eyed chocolate Labrador. Never not smiling. Never not the most excited to see you. Never poor company. Often, Ennis still can't get what they're doing in check. It seems like so much hassle, but there are times where it all just feels natural. He wonders what Jack thinks of all of this. What he truly feels in the silence and the darkness before they've fallen asleep. Simple enough to just ask... nothings as simple as just asking.
Jack was yanked every which way for at least two and a half songs before he made it back to the table Ennis had parked at. Deep in the coldest area of the bar. Next to a frozen-over window. Further away from the crowd to have some privacy but not far enough away to be able to talk in a way that would reflect how close they were to each other. The jukebox was on fire and put in more work than anybody in the place. Ennis couldn't help but be charmed by the rosy tint of Jack's face and the way he brushed his hair back before replacing his Resistol over it. Ennis watched Jack while Jack watched the whole of the bar, screaming at random strangers to boost them up, flashing his pearlies in the constant, receiving beers from across the bar. It was like nothing Ennis had ever seen before. The most he'd do was make a 2-step happen with Alma during "To Make A Man (Feel Like A Man)" because he wouldn't hear the end of it if he refused. Same place, same people, the same distance to walk after he had his last drink. But Jack? It was so natural to him. Like he'd been coming here for years. Like God gave him breath to make as much happen in the most effective of ways with little to no room for the negative.
The immense attraction Ennis felt towards just the back of Jack's head was too much for him to deal with in silence.
He leaned towards Jack and over his shoulder, speaking past his ear. A tiny bit slurred but clear enough in his head.
(E) "Yer... yer my fav..."
With his eyes still on the dance floor and a lazy tilt of his head, Jack leaned back into Ennis's gruff voice without turning around, barely making out its deep resonance.
(J) "HUH?! WHAT?!"
Ennis timidly looked around to see if anybody had taken the time to pay attention to them. To see if anybody had caught a glimpse of the way Ennis's chin moved into the space where Jack's neck met his shoulder and how his lips grazed Jack's ear as he spoke... Honestly, the number of beers he'd already thrown back gave him no heed of real caution. Curse of habit mainly because the amount of affection in the place was thick by nature and he wasn't out of place drunkenly embracing his buddy if he wanted. He felt enamored enough to say it a little louder.
(E) "Yer my favorite! My favorite!"
Puffs of air through each word tickled the inside of Jack's ear and made him grin harder than he had all night. He responded, still in confusion.
(J) "YOU GOTTA' SAVOR IT?! HUH?!"
Ennis rolled his eyes into a rare toothy smile. He cupped his hand in front of Jack's ear, hoping to block some of the excitement going on in front of them, and spoke a bit louder.
(E) "YER MY FAV... FAVORITE!!!"
Jack turned around to face Ennis, and the bar melted away.
His smile. Not the tight-lipped one he was quick to use. This was the real deal. Cheek to cheek split open like a watermelon on the Fourth of July. Nothing about it seemed wrong, as uncommon as it was to see. Like he was emotionless every other moment Jack had spent time with him. He had to have his reasons. But those reasons were lost to whatever had him this tickled. It made Jack continue to smile just as hard. A hand on Ennis's shoulder and a chuckle before he spoke again.
(J)" You drunk En?"
Ennis sat back, a warmth in his ears. His eyes closed, eyebrows raised. He was feeling particularly good. It was very charming to witness.
(J) "I'm glad you trusted me enough to come out here. Ain' so bad, is it?"
Ennis took a swig of his beer... couldn't keep his eyes off Jack... he didn't have a reason to.
(E) "Naw... it ain' bad at all."
Jack addressed the sandy-haired former sheepherder with a blushed expression as he finished his own bottle.
(J) "So... I'm yer favorite?"
Ennis blushed, eyes darting to the crowd and back to Jack as if he forgot what he'd said but knuckled up and reaffirmed his statement with confidence.
(E) "YEAH!"
Jack felt the sentiment and knew it to be as sincere as any embrace they've shared. He's come to see the effort Ennis puts into things pertaining to them, and his ability to show affection is getting better. Saying something so caring in a crowded bar of all places must have it mean a bit more, and Jack recognizes that.
At this point, it's what he lives for.
(J) "You know you always been my favorite Del Mar."
Jack brings his bottle up between them while Ennis meets his in a cheerful clank.
~
Ennis rolled around in his bed for a good 2 hours before he finally started to feel his eyes get heavy. His back felt heavy, and his lips parted on his pillow.
He was out.
He was gone.
He was... awoken by the loudest telephone ring he'd ever heard in his life.
(E) "Jesus... what?"
Ennis throws the blanket from his bare body and swings his legs over the side of the bed. The muted cold of an area rug he placed right beside it welcomed him to walk briskly across the layout and towards the shrill chime of a bell not long for this world. Thin and piercing through the walls and to his ears. He caught a quick glance at his clock before he got to the phone.
3:33.
It could have been work calling him to come in for an emergency delivery.
(E) "H...Hello?"
A brief silence was broken by the whisper of a voice that was very familiar to him.
(J) "Hey... Ennis... it's me... I... wasn' real confident in you pickin' up, but..."
Jack's voice was the only thing he'd be OK with hearing. The only thing he'd find the time to listen to during such an odd hour.
(E) "I... Is... Is half past 3 in the mornin', Jack... Is everythin' OK? Are you OK?"
Jack chuckled.
(J) "No no... m'sorry... everythin' is... is fine. I..."
More silence...
(J) "... I jus' was... thinkin' bout ya' is all. Couldn' sleep n' I remember you tellin' me you been havin' troubles in the department. Figured I'd keep ya' company. Wasn' sleep already was ya'?"
(E) "Yer hunch would be right... I was jus' layin' down thinkin' bout sleepin'... You got the privacy ta' be on the phone with me?"
Jack scoffed.
(J) "You ask me that? While I'm in my own home? Hell yeah, I got my own privacy. My study. Dedicated business line."
(E) "Oh... Well... Pardon me, Mr. Twist, Sir... I ain' mean ta' question you."
Ennis lets out a silent yawn and settles down into the recliner next to the side table the phone sat on.
Jack speaks softly. The tone of his voice thick with longing.
(J) "How ya' been? We ain' spoke in a minute, huh?"
(E) "Yeah... is been a good while... been as I always been. Work."
(J) "mmhm... Leave it ta' you ta' make it just another day in just another week. I'm thinkin' Junior tried ta' get you ta' spend the holidays with her?"
(E) "How you know I ain' packed ta' meet up with'um?"
Jack chuckles lightly into the receiver and waits for Ennis's acknowledgment.
(E) "...you don' know nothin' about me..."
Jack continues to chuckle. Finding Ennis's stubbornness to be nothing but pleasant. More so because it's not anything he has to deal with directly.
(J) "I know everythin' bout you boy... everythin' there is ta' know."
The side of Ennis's mouth creases as he rubs his bare chest in calming reflex.
(E) "Yeah... you know me... I can' bring myself ta' goin' bother dealin' with none a that. I don' think she got it in her ta' do it again... but Alma don' never seem too happy ta' see me nowadays n' I can' stand the way she do see me. Like I'm a fuckin' buck in the crosshairs. I jus' figure it befits alla' us that I keep my distance. Even if the girls' don' see it the same. Junior ain' dumb, though. She just does what come natural ta' her."
(J) "...she jus' cares... about her daddy..."
(E) "Most certainly she does."
A pause.
Jack can only hear a subtle grunt in Ennis's breath as it escapes his throat but wants to break the rhythm...
(J) "I... most certainly care about her daddy..."
(E) "Mm."
Jack is so quick with his affection and lets it free flow from him like a stream formed from rainwater in a quiet patch of land far from the presence of others. It's a treasure to hear spoken to him. Ennis is keen to listen to his girls shower him in their regard. Their softened lips giving form to their love. And now and again, the mindless affection that comes from an animal he's been nurturing since it was a newborn. But other than that, his mind doesn't find itself being stimulated in such a way very often.
Jack doesn't hold much attention to Ennis's lack of response.
(J) "If yer OK with it, then I'm fine with it. I can understand the want ta' be unbothered by all the shit goin' on. Holidays is nothin', but a pain in the ass far as I've come ta' realize. Laureen parents ain't nothin' but in my way. You already hear me... bitchin' out the ass bout'um. That fat sonuvabitch she calls a father gets under my skin from just breathin'... Keep my distance most a the time they're round here..."
But his quick complaining has him realizing the all too powerful loneliness they both feel.
(J) "Ennis..."
And he can't help but give the purpose of the phone call.
(E) "Mm..."
(J) "I miss you..."
Ennis knows this. He feels it in every moment they're apart. As if their connection is not only in his mind but of his body. Manifesting throughout the day when some random brush of his skin is Jack making himself known from all those miles away.
(E) "Well... I can't do nothin' more but to agree with ya'..."
Ennis plays with a lighter that sits on the arm of the recliner—flicking it on and off. Seeing its glow illuminate his hand and leave it in a subtle darkness as it goes out.
(J) "Truth be told... I just' kinda woke up n' could feel yer name on my lips... Like I'd been sayin' it ten times over."
Jack chuckles.
(J) "I almost said it out loud n' I expected you ta' be right next ta' me. Fer a second, I felt like you was layin' right there."
Ennis is silent, craving more.
(J) "After alla' these years n' I still can't get enough a you boy... GODdamn almighty."
Ennis is sunk into the softened cushions of his recliner. Cool to the touch but distracted from the cold enveloping his toes. Heavy-eyed and cooed into comfort by Jack's half-whispered voice. He takes a thumb to his bottom lip and speaks just as softly into the receiver.
(E) "Darlin'... It ain' often you talk ta' me like this not in person... It's some kinda' torture that I can't pull you inta' me... but I appreciate it.. n' you couldn'a said it atta' better time."
Jack smiles.
(E) "It's a cuttin' kina' cold out here... n' there ain' nothin' better than the idea a you right next ta' me just the same..."
Surprised to hear this voice say things so soft.
(J) "Ye... Yeah... I would hope so... I would a rolled over ta' Laureen n' held her as tight as I'd goin' hold you... but I figured I'd be doin' nothin' but lyin' ta' myself. It'd be easier jus' ta goin' tell ya'... fuck if it ain' a shame though now that I say it. I'd get on the road right now n' drive through whatever cold that miserable ass state had ta' throw at me..."
(E) "I know ya' would..."
(J) "We should... go away, huh? I... been thinkin' about it n' it's been long enough since we seen each other."
(E) "..."
(J) "I know it ain' no kinda' time ta' make plans, but I mean... even if it's just a... a fuckin'... sleazy motel n' the middle a nowhere... I'd find all the happiness I need there. Maybe fer New Year's... like we did back in... what was it? Shit."
Ennis sighs.
(E) "76'... Handful a' months after the divorce."
(J) "Yeah..."
(E) "I..."
It's quick in him to deny the feeling.
(J) "We had a good time. Best time I had in a New Year... Shit... in a night. Ever."
He wants it, struggles with it.
(E) "... OK..."
But would rather not struggle to sleep if he had the choice.
(J) "Yeah. I mean, it'd be nice ta' go back to the same place, huh? That bar... I was able ta' get us a nice room in the heart a the city at the last moment."
And if it meant that he could be in the presence of his fondness...
(E) "...yeah... OK..."
...and find sleep in his embrace.
(J) "You got drunk as fuck n' nastier than I ever seen."
Then he knew he couldn't deny the feeling... not this time.
(E) "Lil' Darlin'..."
(J) "I... huh?"
(E) "Let's go."
Jack leans forward in his own recliner. Same bare chest, boxers, and socks... wanting to know that he heard what he did.
(J) "Huh? What? Let's go where?"
Ennis expected the response and was fine with clarifying.
(E) "Let's meet up... fer New Year's. I ain't got nothin' planned fer the rest a the moment. Maybe slide into work a couple of days more, but then I'm... I'm happy ta' spend that time with you..."
Jack feels his eyes start to itch, and a delicate pressure starts to build at the bridge of his nose. He falters in his words before having them fully formed and coherent leaving his mouth.
(J) "Ennis? ... I'm... Yeah. OK. OK. I'll... Set everything up. I'll get it right n' we'll be... we'll be..."
His stomach is shallow and feels like a sparkler had been set off in it.
(E) "We'll be in the city..."
(J) "We'll be together in the city... Jesus... I ain' been this excited in a while. Well shit! I don' know how I'm a' be able ta' go back ta' sleep now!"
Jack laughs in relief. He'd started the conversation in a sadness he'd been dredging through for months since they'd last seen each other, and if everything stays as it is now in time no longer than it takes for his heart to beat, he'll be back in the arms he feels the most comfortable in.
(J) "This is the best gift I been given this year..."
He's at a loss for words and can't stop smiling. The thoughts of seeing him and how much it means to see him race through his entire body. The idea of not having to fall asleep and wake up in the freezing cold for a change. The fact that he can have his scent all over him again. It makes him want to get through the coming days and nights as fast as possible.
(J) "I figure it's best ta' let ya' go then..."
(E) "...no..."
Ennis makes use of the spark in him and lets himself be as tender as he knows Jack deserves.
(E) "... don't go yet."
And Jack does nothing but follow instructions.
(J) "Al... Alright... well... Laureen won't mind n' I'll write it off as a business expense. I figure I can get us an even better hotel room. Hilton, I like the best... This time on a higher floor n' room service'll fulfill any request I go n' make. So, we'll have a stocked fridge n' bar. Make sure you bring some nice clothes in case we feel the need ta' go high fancy n' shit..."
Ennis listens to Jack's voice as he drifts off into sleep. Still, the softest and kindest things he's ever been given the pleasure of experiencing. It doesn't come so often anymore as this is the normal that they've been given, but Ennis is just as excited. They've gotten through these years on PTO and lies, and for once, it felt like control. It felt like he was allowed to see Jack, and when he did see him... diamond-eyed and rosy-cheeked... he'd know that it was in his control to hold him and try his best never to let go.
(J) "en? ennis? ... you asleep? ... yer asleep... i... i love you, boy... I'm glad you answered."