After that first time, that afternoon with Johnny. I took those pills every day. At first I didn't like them. I didn't like the way my vision would blur in and out constantly. Or the way they would make my face and ears burn. The nausea. How I would feel exhausted one second and then full of energy the next. But I did like the numb feeling. It was like nothing mattered. Everything melted away, and I enjoyed that.
It had been a couple of weeks since that first day. I had gone from taking 2 pills at a time to I was now taking 5 or 6 at a time. I had ignored my dad about going to school, and continued to work my crazy hours, I just made sure that if he was home during the day, I wasn't. No matter what. Right now it was Sunday. I had just finished a 12 hour shift, and I was exhausted. But it was the last week of school, and I had to hand in any work I had missed while I was working, so I was catching up on it now, or at least trying to. I was sort of distracted by this website I had discovered, called "meetme." It was one of those social networking sites, and was a trashy one at that. The guys were pervs and the girls were desperate and trashy. But.. I liked it because I could just talk to complete strangers. They didn't know me, and I wasn't the "crazy girl" to them. They didn't know any of that.
I was just scrolling down the news feed when I first saw his picture.
He was..... Extremely attractive. Like.. Words honestly couldn't describe him. I clicked on his picture, pulling up his profile to begin my stalking.
He had these stunning blue eyes that just pulled you in. Even though it was just a picture, it was like he was looking right at me. It was scary. His hair was the most noticeable feature to me though. The back was a dark brown, almost black color, but the front was blonde, liiiiiight blonde. Not many people could pull it off, but it was a nice contrast against his super tan skin. His name on his profile was Aaron. Although I wasn't sure if that was his real name; I didn't use my real name on my profile, so I didn't expect him to either.
I was feeling kind of daring, so I clicked on his "ask" box, which was where you could talk to people on their profile on the website, and typed a quick message.
"Hey there! So... I really like your hair. It's very unique c: we should talk sometime yeah?" I hit send before I could think twice about it.
I didn't really talk to the super-hot guys on here. I just.. Didn't have the confidence normally to message them first. If they talked to me first it was fine; but if not, I'd just add them and hope for the best.
He was online, so it was no surprise a few minutes later when I received a notification on my phone, saying that he had answered my question.
"Hello dear c: well thanks! I'm rather fond of my hair. We should definitely talk sometime. Feel free to message me!"
I smiled. When I first sent the message, I was apprehensive, he seemed like one of those guys that could either be totally chill, and be fun to talk to; or he could be an asshole. For someone on this site, he seemed relatively popular, his page was fulllllllll of girls talking to him. Which was another thing that made me nervous about messaging him or anything; because if that many people were talking to him then.. Why would he have any interest in talking to me at all...?
I never ended up finishing my homework that day. Other than that first message, I can't recall most of our conversation. Just that they were lengthy.
We talked about a lot of things; school, our families, our jobs, friends. I told him I was adopted, and that my real name was Sawyer, and not Aliyah. It was true. When I was born, my mother named me Sawyer Michelle Allison. When we were adopted though, the Mahone's changed my first name. I never understood that... Kaden and Kathryn's names were same. I never asked though, it ever seemed like a good idea to ask.
It was finally the day I had been dreading for a year. June 28, 2011. 5 days after my fifteenth birthday. Exactly one year from the day I found Kade in his room. After that fight.
I had called off work for the day, there was no way I was getting through work today. I could barely get out of bed. Of course, my lovely family were out doing whatever the hell it was they did during the day; Mrs. Mahone was probably at the pool. Touching up her tan. Mr. Mahone was probably at work. And the monster children were hopefully playing in traffic.
My room now was Kade's old room. The day after he died.. The Mahone's took me to the store, and told me to pick out paint. And then they just left me in the room by myself to paint it. Katie had just disappeared the night when I found him. So I did what I was told. I painted over the dark blue Kaden had enjoyed so much, getting rid of any traces of him.
I feel like they wanted to drive me insane. It was my fault he was gone; and now they were making me pack his things up, and get rid of them. I wasn't allowed to keep anything; no pictures. No shirts. No sweatshirts. It was like... He was erased.
I was lying on my bed, just staring at my clock, as always. Watching the minutes pass by. 11 hours, 35 more minutes. Then that would be exactly when I found him. 11 hours 34 minutes.
11 hours 33 minutes.
32 minutes.
31.
30.
29.
I counted a lot, after that day. I may have counted like this before, but it didn't mean anything. I'd count cars, count coins. Count animals. Count my freckles. Little things that didn't matter.
I barely heard the low ding of my phone, informing me I had a text. It took me about 5 minutes to muster up the energy to move, inching off of my bed, across the room to where my phone was sitting on the charger.
It was a text from Johnny.
"Hey kiddo... Did you want to come over? I know that today's gotta be hard.. I can come get you in ten minutes."
I read and re-read and re-re-read the text.
Did I want to go over? Maybe it would be best if I wasn't alone today. Maybe it would be better to go over to Johnny's. I just.. Really didn't feel like getting dressed.
But I needed more Oxy... And I had to see Johnny to get it...
"Sure.. I'll be ready in 10" I sent before dragging myself to the bathroom to brush my teeth.
******
I didn't put much effort into my appearance, I just pulled on a pair of white cut off denim shorts, and a light pink crop-top. Being the end of June, I had a decent tan at this point, and on top of that, I used a self tanner, so I was a nice bronze color at this point. I clipped my extensions in rather hastily, just running my straightener over them so that they blended with my hair, not worried about them being perfect. I had curled them the day before, so they were sort of wavy right now, which was good because that blended better with my hair anyway. I did my normal face makeup, a little quicker than normal because I had to meet Johnny. Originally I was just going to go without it, but I just looked like I was sick so I refused to go out of the house without it.
I was in the middle of lining my eyes when my phone went off again, Johnny's text letting me know that he was here buzzing across the screen.
"Be right out." I typed quickly before moving my hands back to my eyes, finishing off the winged liner that rimmed the tops.
I shoved my mascara into my bag, along with a little flowered hand mirror I had from Forever 21, I could just put that on in the car. I slid my favorite sparkly silver toms onto my feet before tossing my cell phone into my bag as well, my house keys, and the 2 pills I had left, figuring I'd take those, and whatever else Johnny would give me.
I scrambled out of my house, careful to lock the door behind me; my parents were suuuuuuper strict about that; I had gotten into some serious trouble before for forgetting to lock the door.
Johnny was parked across the street, tapping his fingers against the steering wheel as he waited, his head tipped back against the seat, his eyes hidden behind a pair of sunglasses.
He didn't move when I got into the car, he still just... sat there. A part of me wanted to reach over and poke him or something, but I just pulled out my mirror and started applying my mascara. He would move or say something when he was ready. Today was just as hard for him as it was for me. I may have lost my brother, and my best friend, but.... Johnny was in love with Kade. Anybody could see it. So.. when what happened happened, and Kade got so hurt, it was no surprise. Because he loved Johnny just as much.
I always questioned why I was never uncomfortable with Johnny and Kaden's relationship. I mean, I was raised in a family where homosexuality was frowned upon. HIGHLY frowned upon. So when Kaden introduced me to his boyfriend, of course, I was confused.
"You know, you look a lot like your brother Sawyer, you know that." Johnny's voice stated, startling me.
My throat tightened. He never called me Sawyer. He hadn't called me Sawyer since Kade died..
"Don't." I warned him, shoving everything back in my purse.
If he was going to do this then I was leaving. I couldn't handle the past being brought up right now. If I couldn't handle it on a normal day, then it sure as hell wasn't going to be going well today.
Johnny sighed.
"Fine." and left it at that, before starting up the car and carefully backing out, before heading to his house.
*********
I loved Johnny's apartment. And I really think it's because Kade used to take me over here with him so often, I have so many memories associating with him in this place.
"Aliyah... Li... I know, that today is tough... and I know how much you miss your brother. But you need to know, that it hurts me to have lost him just as much as it hurts you... you know that right?"
I didn't say anything. I couldn't honestly. I don't think I could have actually said anything if I wanted to. I just reached over and wrapped my arms around him, burying my head against his neck, crying.
I cried for Kaden. I cried for Johnny. I cried for my mom; my REAL mom. I cried for losing all of my friends. I just cried, and let out everything I had been holding in for so long.
"Shhhh. Shhhh it'll be alright. I promise baby. I promise." Johnny assured me.
And he held me, and just let me cry.
*********
It was a few hours after I broke down sobbing in Johnny's arms. We were laying on his couch in the living room, not talking. I don't really recall when I had stopped crying, all I know is that in the time between then and now I had taken like 6 or 7 oxy, and had had a considerable amount of wine. I don't know why, but I just... loved red wine. It was sweet, and light, and perfect.
Johnny was sitting normally on the couch, and I was curled up with my body resting next to him, my head in his lap. The tv was on but I wasn't really watching it. It was kind of just there for backup noise I guess. Johnny was running his fingers through my hair, it was a comforting gesture.
"I'm sorry I caused all this." I mumbled quietly, my tongue thick in my mouth.
Talking felt weird right now. I knew what I wanted to say, but I felt like I couldn't get my mouth to move the right way to make the words.
Johnny's hand stopped moving in my hair, and pulled me up so I was seated, facing him.
"What did you say?" he asked in a low voice, he sounded angry, and it was sort of scaring me.
"This mess. This... thing. Kade being gone.. I did it. It's my fault. I killed him." I struggled to get the words off of my tongue, out of my mouth, but when I finally did Johnny gripped my arms tightly, mouth struggling to form words.
I couldn't tell what the hell he was feeling; anger, annoyance, anything. I really wasn't able to read it in his expression.
But at that moment, the way he was gripping my arms so tight, it hurt, and all I could see was my dad; not Johnny.
"Aliyah don't you DARE say that. Don't you dare. You know as well as anyone that what happened wasn't your fault. You never could have known he would do it. You weren't thinking when you were talking. If you knew he would even CONSIDER doing it you never would have told him that."
And then Johnny just faded out. He wasn't there anymore. I just saw Kaden. Kade. Tall, pale, blue hair, green eyes. That quirky little grin. Except he wasn't smiling. His eyes were ablaze with anger.
"Why the hell would you do that Sawyer?! WHY?!" he yelled, throwing his hands in the air.
I shrank back against the door, scared. He had never yelled at me like this before. Never.
"I didn't mean to Kade! I swear! I was just... I was nervous about kissing Eddie and Johnny said he'd help me be less nervous but I didn't think he was gonna KISS me or anything! I promise!" I tried to explain, exasperation in my voice.
He looked at me, disgust and anger in his eyes. He had never looked at me like that ever in all the years I had known him.
"Don't even try that bullshit with me. You act like I don't know." he scoffed, crossing his arms, turning his back to me and pacing anxiously around his room.
"Know what?!" I yelled, angry at this point.
"I SEE THE WAY YOU LOOK AT HIM SAWYER. I SEE IT EVERY GODDAMN TIME HE COMES OVER. Like a lovesick little puppy. You can't hide anything from me. It's so blatantly obvious with you. You have feelings for MY boyfriend. MINE. He's gay Sawyer. Fucking gay. Get it through your thick skull." he growled.
I mirrored his body position, arms thrown around myself.
"Oh yeah, he's obviously gay if he came over and made out with me. He broke up with you Kade, get over yourself. If he was sooooo into you, he wouldn't have come over and kissed me, would he?"
I heard the sound of the slap before it registered that he had hit me.
And then I registered the burning feeling on my face with the sound of the slap.
He... he hit. me. He actually hit me.
I stared at him in shock, my hand covering my cheek where his hand had so roughly hit moments before.
He was staring back at me equally surprised, his hand outstretched in front of him, like he didn't know what to do with it.
"Sawyer.. I..." he said, his face paling as he saw my eyes watering up.
I wasn't crying because it hurt. I was crying because of all people, Kaden was the absolute last person I ever expected to hit me.
"Don't even say anything Kaden." I growled, dropping my hands to my sides, fists clenched.
He swallowed, seeming unsure of himself now.
"I just.."
"I hate you Kaden. I HATE YOU!" I yelled the last part, the tears coming out of my eyes.
This wasn't my fault, this was his. His fault. He was being so selfish and self-centered. He didn't give a damn about anyone other than himself.
"You don't mean that." He said in a whisper.
"I never want to see you again. Ever." I growled.
He looked at me, hurt in his eyes now replacing the anger; as if he hadn't been screaming at me minutes before.
"Fine then. You won't have to." he said before breezing past me, slamming the bedroom door behind himself.
I screamed in frustration before stomping off to my bedroom, and flopping down on my bed, crying some more. This wasn't fair at all. This wasn't supposed to happen. This was Kaden and I. We were the best of friends. We never fought like this....
A few hours had passed, and I knew Kaden was in his room; I had heard him slam the door as he came back. I had given him time to cool down, as I myself did the same. By now though it was almost 11:00 and I didn't want to go to bed in the middle of a fight with him. I had never had to deal with it before and I wasn't about to start now.
"Kade?" I said softly, knocking gently on the door.
I got no answer, so I thought maybe he had gone to sleep. He hated being woken up once he was asleep, but this was the closest thing to an emergency I could imagine, so surely I would be forgiven for this.
"Kade I hope you have clothes on, I'm coming in." I said quietly before pushing the door open, padding gently over to the bed.
He was lying on his side, facing the window.
It was dark, but I could tell he was still wearing the same clothes from earlier.
I chuckled lightly at this, he did that so often. He'd just pass out in whatever he had been wearing, not caring about waking up being uncomfortable in the middle of the night.
"Come on Kade, get up, you need to change." I laughed, tugging on his arm.
His arm flopped over, hanging limply behind him.
My breath hitched. That... that wasn't.. supposed to happen.
"Kade?" I said a little louder, reaching over and gently shaking his shoulder.
His body slumped over on the bed, falling more towards me, and I got a look at his face.
His eyes were open, but glazed over, with a glassy look to them. It was like he was staring at nothing. His mouth was slightly open, just enough that I could see his perfectly white; straight teeth. His pride and joy was his perfect smile.
"Kade?" I squeaked out in the tiniest voice ever.
No. Nonononononononononononono.
No.
NO.
This was NOT HAPPENING.
An earsplitting screech shrieked out, and it was like... I was watching this unfold. It was like one of those 'out of body experiences.'. Like watching it happen to somebody else.
Our parents running in, more upset that I had woken them until they saw Kaden on the bed.
And they started yelling at me, accusing me of doing something. Katie coming in and breaking down in the middle of the floor.
Kaden.
Kaden.
No..
The last thing he ever heard me say was that I hated him..............
*********
"Shit Aliyah? Li? Sawyer? Aliyah say something..." Johnny was shaking my shoulders, pulling me out of the flashback, jerking me back to reality.
"I killed him." I said again in a daze, my mind flashing between Johnny and seeing Kaden.
'No' I scolded myself. 'Kaden is dead. He isn't here. Stop it. No. Stop. Kaden.'
"Liyah..... Come on I think you need to lay down." Johnny said, scooping me up carefully.
Everything was spinning when he moved me.
"Stop. No stop stop it right now, Johnny stop." I mumbled, smacking my hand weakly against his chest.
He stopped walking, even though he hadn't only moved about two steps.
"What do you want Sawyer? Do you want me to take you home? Or do you want to sleep?"
I tipped my head to the side, turning to look at him.
"You're really pretty Johnny." I mumbled, closing my eyes.
It was too bright here. I didn't like the brightness.
He chuckled.
"You're really pretty too Sawyer." He told me as he sat back down on the couch, cradling me on his lap.
"I like you Johnny." I said again, even quieter than before.
Johnny sighed but didn't say anything.
We sat quietly for awhile; I don't know what he was doing but I was on the verge of falling asleep.
I was RIGHT at that point where you're almost asleep, your eyes are closed, and your body is just shutting off, but you an barely hear things going on around you when Johnny sat me up suddenly, spinning me around so that I was facing him.
"Sawyer, I love Kaden. You know that." He said in a serious voice.
I kind of tilted my head to the side, listening as he spoke.
"You're just... You're so much like him." He said.
"We're the same." I giggled, finding that funny.
Everybody said I had the same personality as Kaden. Rebellious. Pushing boundaries. But funny.
Kathryn was the serious one, who followed the rules, everything. She was the "perfect child".
"I just.. I don't know what to do." He said in a sad voice, trying to hold back emotion, but I had known him long enough to be able to read him.
"So don't think about what to do. Just..... Do whatever." I said quietly fiddling with the collar of his shirt.
He sighed, reaching up and cupping my face, thumbs stroking my cheek.
"You have the same eyes as him." He said softly, just.... Staring into my eyes with an emotion I couldn't understand.
At this point I was uncomfortable. My brain wasn't responding quick enough for me to completely have a conversation, and Johnny just kept talking.
So of course I did the first thing that I could think of to shut him up, that I was capable of doing
I leaned in and kissed him softly, just testing things. He tensed up at first, so I sat back, looking at him.
"Are you sure about this?" He asked hesitantly, his facial features nervous.
I didn't say anything, I just leaned in and kissed him again, finally earning a response as his lips moved with mine.
All I could think of though was of it being Scott, in his office. I cringed, wanting to forget. His smell, his taste, the feel of his lips, how tightly his hands would grip my body.
I pulled Johnny closer to me, needing him. To erase the memories of Scott with Johnny.