Twenty minutes later had us weaving through the side roads close to my home. As our search radius got larger and larger, the stone in my gut grew heavier and heavier. The longer she was missing, the more likely we would find her injured or -.
I swallowed and glared out of the window. The dull thud of rain on the glass matched my terrible mood. If I didn't think about it, it couldn't happen. Because, while I knew the end was getting closer by the day, I wasn't ready to let go. Not yet.
"Is there anywhere your mum liked to go?" Richie asked, his voice cutting into the tense silence of the car.
I shrugged my shoulders helplessly, my fingers still firmly wrapped around my phone as I scanned the pedestrians rushing to get out of the rain. My heart plummeted further with each unfamiliar face I saw.
"She used to love the little bistro in town with all of the fake flowers on the wall. You know, the one that does those miniature cupcakes? Or the pier in summer. It was always her favourite but we took the bus to get there." My voice was quiet as I remembered the happier times. The times when the disease has yet to rob my mum of her independence. "We haven't been for a few years. She doesn't like the crowds much these days."
"She may just go there anyway. It's worth a drive past just to check."
"Okay."
"We'll do the bistro first and then, if all else fails, we drive out to the pier." Richie said, flicking his indicator and taking the next corner. "Hopefully the weather will stop her from thinking a trip to the beach is a good idea."
"That won't matter. Sometimes she's so lost in the past that the present almost ceases to exist." Turning in my seat to face him, there was a bite of pain as the seatbelt cut into my neck. I offered him a grim smile. "Besides, my mum has always loved the beach in the rain. It was kind of our thing."
I laughed sadly, my eyes intent upon his profile without really seeing it, and shook my head.
"When I was little, I was so sure she was this powerful goddess. She would just stand there in the middle of the storm with her head back and her face towards the sky. It was the only time she ever looked completely at peace. Her toes in the surf with not a care in the world." I snorted and shook my head. "I thought she was the one creating the storms. The silly things we believe when we're little."
"It was certainly easier back then." Richie commented, taking a sharp corner.
I brought my hand up, freeing my skin from being pinched further by the seat belt.
With a sigh, I turned my attention back to the world streaming past the window. "But, no matter how much I wish it, she's just as human as the rest of us."
"They all are." Richie murmured, his voice thick with a story just begging to be told.
I didn't ask. He didn't share.
It was a story I would likely never know. For all of the years we had worked alongside one another, we were almost strangers. He only knew about my life by accident. I only knew as much about him as the public office gossip. His stories were not going to be fodder for a mere acquaintance.
"You know –." Before Richie could finish what was sure to be unsubstantiated reassurances, his phone started to ring on its perch on the dashboard.
The screen lit up. Lindsey's name flashed up in bold. My hand pressed against my stomach as it churned uncomfortably. Why was she calling already? Something had to be wrong.
"Can you answer that?"
Reaching out, I snatched up the phone and swiped to answer the call. As it fought to connect, I pressed the button to put it on speaker phone.
There was a brief lull where no one spoke before Richie answered, "Hello?"
"Richie, we've found her." Lindsey's tinny voice confirmed. My heart stilled for a beat. "She's near the traffic lights at the retail park. You know, near the big carpet store and the pet shop. I can try and approach her."
Richie glanced my way. I released my lip from between my teeth, felt it throb in relief.
Then, after exhaling loudly, I lifted the phone closer to my face. "Be careful. Don't crowd her. If she's not – lucid – she can get..." I paused trying to find the right word. "Reactive. Just, stay out of arms reach and speak gently to her. Only intervene if she's going to put herself in harm's way." I advised calmly even though inside I felt anything but calm.
"Okay, I can do that."
"We're only a few minutes away." I reassured her, glancing across at Richie who nodded his head as he pressed his foot a little harder on the accelerator.
"I'll see you then."
"Oh, and Lindsey?" I hurried to add before she could end the call.
"Yeah?"
"Thank you."
There was a brief pause. I could almost see the surprise upon her face. God, how awful had I been to her? I didn't think I had every really said much to her over the years. Maybe that was the problem.
"It's no problem."
The call disconnected abruptly. I stared down at the device in my hands as the screen went dark. My throat ached as I blinked rapidly.
"Why the tears? We've found her."
Pressing my hands to my damp cheeks, I smoothed away the wetness but more tears flowed.
I laughed and cried at the same time as I replied. "I'm allowed to cry. It's called relief." Pausing, I wiped away another tear. "A part of me thought this would end differently. She wasn't exactly clear when she started the call. I thought. I thought -."
"You thought the worst had happened."
Nodding, I wiped at the dampness beneath my eyes. Then, blowing out a calming breath, I pulled out my own phone and sent a quick message to my mum's carer, Tanya. She had to be running herself ragged. After years working with my mum, she had become an honorary member of our family, even if she was paid to be there. She would be kicking herself for this.
And yet, while mum had been found, I knew that everything was about to change. Tanya would no longer be content to let things slide. She would push for Mum to be transferred to a care home. It didn't matter that Mum had begged me not to let her go there. The events of the past hour only confirmed what I had been denying for months.
I wasn't enough. Not anymore.
"There they are." Richie remarked, pulling his car over to the curb just off of the busy crossroads.
The vehicle has barely stopped before I was undoing the seat belt and clambering from the car.
My foot plunged straight into a puddle but, even as cold murky rainwater soaked straight through to my skin, I was already taking another step forward. My teeth gritted against the cold. Lifting onto the balls of my feet, I searched for her familiar head of grey hair. And then, there she was.
The pedestrians rushed from all directions as they hurried on their way but, like some divine intervention, there was a brief gap in the procession and I got my first proper glimpse of her. It was a moment of relief and dread. Relief that she had been found. Dread at what was to come.
There was an ominous rumble overhead. Sheets of rain began to fall in a barrage of icy droplets. Within moments, my hair was clinging to my face as I blinked against the onslaught.
"Sorry," I called out over and over again as I rushed forwards, bumping and shoving against the tide of people just trying to go about their day.
Lindsey, who was huddled within her coat, stood between my mum and the main road.
At the commotion, she turned. Her gaze met mine as I approached and it was so easy to read the thoughts as they passed across her face. The last one was the worst. Her sad smile was coated in so many layers of pity it made my stomach churn.
I hated every second of it. It was the thing I had been trying to avoid. But my pride meant nothing in the grand scheme of things.
As I looked at my mum, I could see what they could see. Her hair which had once been an incredible platinum blonde, was now a sodden grey tangle around her head. Her nightdress hung wetly off of her hunched frame. One slipper had been lost on her travels.
My nausea increased at the sight of the tendrils of red spreading from beneath her sock clad foot. She hadn't even been missing for more than an hour and she was hurt.
A sharp lance of pain speared through my chest. It was all most fault And yet, my own guilt was nothing in comparison to the expression on her face.
She was just so - lost.
I slowed my pace as I drew closer.
Then, so as not to startle her, I said calmly, "Mum?"
When that got no response, I took a step to the side so that I was directly in her line of vision. "Evelyn? Mum? It's me, Rosie."
Her eyelashes fluttered and after a moment, her stare changed. She was no longer looking through me, she was looking at me.
"Rosie? Your name is Rosie?" She asked, her voice a whisper that quickly got swallowed up by the crowds.
"It is."
"I always loved that name." She gushed, taking a step towards me.
Her face was had been almost childlike a moment before was suddenly alert, her cornflower blue eyes sparkling with joy. The vibrant yet bedraggled woman before me was a distracting contrast to the woman I had left in front of the TV just that morning.
The change never got any easier. This time was no different as, with the next sentence, I knew that this was still not my mum. Not really.
"Did you know I have a daughter called Rosie? She's so beautiful. She just over - ."
My heart lurched uncomfortably in my chest. It never hurt any less, having my hopes dashed and yet, as Evelyn Barrett looked around her, a deep furrow forming between her eye brows, my priorities were firmly rearranged. This was not about me. It was all about her. It had to be.
My mum surveyed the street, her hands twisting anxiously within her damp nightdress. Her eyes came upon the small audience watching us both and I could see it creeping in almost immediately. Her eyes widened. Her chest began to rise and fall rapidly. Panic.
The pedestrian cross started to beep loudly behind her. Cars honked their horns loudly. It was a sensory overload. She backtracked a step, her hand clutched to her heaving chest.
Reaching out, I took her free hand gently in mine, my thumb brushing soothingly over the back of her hand.
"Hey, Evelyn." I murmured soothingly, ducking so that I could meet her gaze.. My mouth was dry and yet I continued gently, "It's okay, I know where Rosie is. You don't need to worry. She's safe."
"You do." My mum replied, no recognition in her eyes as she stared back at me. "Can you take me to her?"
Forcing my lips into a smile, the same smile I had been wearing for the past few years, and tucked her hand into the crook of my arm. "Come on, my friend has promised to take us."
I guided her slowly and carefully, my eyes drifting down to her injured foot. There was a lump in my throat that no amount of swallowing could clear.
Too close. It had been too close.
Glancing up, I met Lindsey's stare and mouthed a quick thanks. She nodded her head.
Richie hurried to open the back door of his car as we approached, hastily clearing the odd bit of clothing from the seats so that my mum could slide in. Evelyn didn't even notice. She passively took a seat. From the expression on her face, I know that she was already slipping back into the place within her mind I couldn't reach.
I closed the door softly so as not to startle her. Turning my gaze towards Richie, I offered him a tired smile. Despite it being only late afternoon, I was exhausted in every way. Physically. Emotionally. I was exhausted right down to my very soul.
As if sensing where I was at, Richie stepped close and pulled me into a hug. My arms hung limply at my sides at the unexpected contact. And then I slowly brought my hands up to hug him back.
"It's okay. She's safe."
My body trembled within his hold. My fingers dug into his shirt as I fought to regain my equilibrium.
"She's safe." He murmured again against the top of my head. Repeating it over and over again as if it would help the words to sink in.
"For now," I said in reply, dropping my arms away from him. Then, even though I part of me wanted to stay there forever, I pushed lightly against his chest and stepping out of his hold.
Turning, I offered my co-workers one last mile even though a part of me wanted to cry once again. "Thank you all for your help. I need to get her back now but -."
"Whatever you need, call us. We'll be more than happy to help."
Opening and closing my mouth, I stared at Lindsey as if she had grown another head. Maybe she had. She laughed in response.
"No matter what you think of us, we're mostly good people."
I allowed a genuine smile to form as I replied, "I know."
"See you on Monday?"
With a nod, I allowed Richie to guide me to the front passenger seat. He closed the door behind me and rushed around to the other side of the car. I sighed into the quiet. My eyes lifted to the rear view mirror and the fragile figure reflected in the polished glass.
There was no denying it. Everything was going to change...whether I liked it or not.