Chapter 10: Sanctuary Pt.3
I sat quietly on the forest floor, watching Grogu try to catch bugs in the grass. The bug he managed to catch slipped through his fingers making me smile.
Is it normal to feel guilty?
My smile fades. Feel guilty for smiling. I picture my mother here. Sun bathing, basking in pure bliss as she lays next to us.
I wonder what she would say. Would she play with my hair? Would she tickle me? Give me a smile or simply close her eyes and enjoy this peaceful moment.
He looked at me as I looked down and away. "Sorry." I mumbled. He cooed and went back to the bugs.
Night was falling upon us, my body cold as the slave clothes I wore did nothing to keep the chills away. My cheeks turned red, hot as tears threatened to fall as they always did.
I felt embarrassed, ashamed, at my attire. Today, I received many looks upon those we passed by when heading into the village to eat.
My title- who I am-no, was- making me feel like an outcast. With this outfit I'm labeled and dirty. It is as if my past is following me along this new journey and I loath it. I want to be rid of my old life. My old self.
Is self-loathing normal?
My mother self-loathed, hence my name.
I felt something heavy and warm being draped over me as I let out a startled gasp. Looking up, I watched Mando walk back towards the ship- his cape missing and now resting over my shoulders.
I didn't hide my smile.
€
Night was here, I carried needed supplies into the ship. Going up and down the ramp as Mando did the same.
Eventually, we finished and he started tweaking things on the exterior of the ship- making sure everything would run properly before we ventured out for who knows how many days.
Once again, I sat on the grassy floor, enjoying the feel of grass and dirt rather than the old hot sand I was used to. This planet amazed me, it was much different than my old home. It's a shame we'd have to leave it.
The lush green brought me a sense of peace, I felt more connected to Earth as it felt alive. I closed my eyes taking deep breathes. I could hear the forest beneath me, I could feel it breathing.
Maybe I was day dreaming, but the Earth called to me. It felt so right to have my fingers dug into the moist dirt and feel so tranquil and in tune with the atmosphere around me.
"We'll find a better place." My eyes gaze up to Mando, who stares at me from his spot near the ship he's fixing.
I simply nod.
He goes back to working as I look around the area. We would be leaving in minutes. Maybe-maybe it wouldn't hurt to look around and enjoy the dense forest for a bit. After all, I might never see trees in my life again.
I stood up, gripping Mando's cape that rested on my shoulders. Walking forward, I passed Grogu to make my way near the tree line.
I glanced up at the huge trees- fascinated by the existence of them. Such green lush, green to me felt so fresh, calming, I could feel the new beginnings and growth to come.
I decided then my favorite color would be green.
I start walking past the tree line and into the woods.
I touch the bark and let my bare feet squish themselves into the wet dirt. It feels weird, but fun. I chuckle as I wiggle my toes in the mud. I wish we didn't have to leave.
And just as I'm relaxed and enjoying nature- my fun is short lived as I hear footsteps. I hold my breathe as my body automatically freezes- fear creeping up on me like a thief in the night.
I take this chance to look around and realize how eerie the forest is at night. I frowned, when did night happen so quick. I wrap myself tighter in Mando's cape and decide I should head back to the ship.
As I walk, I start to realize how confusing the forest is. Every tree looks the same, the dark does no help in making me feel calm, but more scared.
Quickly, I go to run, but suddenly a hand grabs my shoulder tightly from behind.
I scream- loud and terrified as I yank myself away from the intruder-spinning around quickly to see two men I do not recognize.
And I immediately bolt away.
"Wait!" One shouts. I glance back to see the one who touched me raise his hands high in the air as my eyes dart between them scared.
"I'm sorry! We didn't mean-" I don't hear them out as I immediately run faster towards Mando. I look back to see them chasing after me and I scream louder in absolute fright.
No! I hate this! Why can't I be left alone! I can't have any peace! Tears fall from my eyes. Their touch- I hate it! It reminds me of my old owner. I feel dirty, disgusted, I want to vomit. I hate being touched.
I cry as I see the ship in the distance. However, my eyes land on Mando- whom has Grogu inside the ship- quickly grabbing weapons and racing down the ramp.
I break free from the forest line- crying hysterically- my throat is filled with mucus, my nose burning from the cold and I'm breathing so hard as I run straight at him. His helmet snaps to me.
"Almana-" I don't hear his words as I fling myself into his body. Embracing him tightly as his arms immediately wrap around me. I feel safe now. Like nothing can hurt me. I'm warm, secured, protected. It truly is the best feeling in the world- I can't help, but let my body shake in fear.
"I heard you scream. What happened?" He demands as his arms tighten around me, his weapon in one hand. I try to stop my tears as I squish my face against his armor- eyes closed as I remember two grown men running at me.
"Two men!" I cry. If possible, his arms squeeze tighter around me.
"Where." His voice is deep and mean.
"Wait!" A voice shouts.
Both our heads snap to the forest line to see the two men from before breathing heavily from running. I quickly hide behind Mando whom steps forward with his weapon raised.
"Take another step and I'll obliterate you." His voice is hard and they notice immediately.
The man who grabbed me steps back making me clutch Mando's shirt harder. His eyes meeting mine. "I'm sorry! I didn't mean to scare you. I just seen you had The Mandalorian's cape, so I thought you'd be able to take us to him." He apologizes.
Immediately, I feel embarrassed, but Mando's comforting hand that pats my head makes the feelings disappear in an instant. Instead, I'm filled with peace and a dopey look as I bask in his attention.
My cheeks redden at the rush of dopamine I felt as he pat my head gently. I slowly nod at the man's words, accepting it. I still didn't like that he touched me or snuck up on me or chased me.
The other man this time looks to Mando. "Raiders. We have money." He begs.
"So, you think I'm some kinda mercenary?" Mando shoots back bored as he puts away his weapon and begins loading up the ship once more. I follow behind him- sticking to him like a shadow.
"You are a Mandalorian, right? Or at least wearing Mandalorian armor. That is Mandalorian armor, right? It is. See? I told him. Sir, I've read a lot about your people... Tribe. If half of what I read is true... We have money." They bug as they follow us.
"How much?" Once again, Mando's tone is monotone. I escape from the conversation as I make my way inside the ship to find Grogu- asleep. I stare at him sleeping, sighing.
I shake his body, he awakes sleepily looking at me. "Guess what?" I whisper quietly. He simply rolls over to his other side, ignoring me. I frown. "Hey!" I whisper shout my cheeks pouting as I cross my arms.
He looks at me once more.
I feel annoyed, tired.
I frown as my eyes get tired and I let out a yawn I didn't know I had. Wait a minute! My eyes widen in realization.
I glare at him, his eyes less sleepy now. "You're trying to make me go to sleep." I accuse upset. He simply cooes at me as I huff looking away.
"I was going to tell you how two men chased me back here from the forest."
And just like that, I felt a hit of emotions; fright, worry, sadness, but most of all there was a strong underlying hint of lingering anger.
I grabbed my head feeling dizzy with the sudden feelings hitting me at once. I felt like my mind was splitting into a nasty headache. I groaned in pain, closing my eyes.
Sorry.
My eyes snapped to meet his.
It's okay.
I softly smiled. I liked this. I wonder- I wonder if there's a chance I could do this with Mando. A part of me felt guilty hiding our bond from him, I hadn't brought any of this up to him.
I didn't know how and even so, what could he do? Did he even know of this strange force between us? What else was I capable of? What was Grogu capable of? Would he be afraid of us? Leave us behind?
No. He wouldn't. Would he?
Questions- hundreds of questions lingered through my mind from who Mando really was to how Grogu and I shared this curse...or maybe more so of a power.
I couldn't help, but feel giddy at the thought of being something so much more than just the worthless and useless slave I was.
I could taste it. The power, a future, a time where no one could tell me what to do or even lay a finger on me.
I hummed in thought. Power. To be untouchable, to be respected, feared even. What would that feel like?
Footsteps climb up the ships opening, Mando coming into view as he looks between us both.
"I found us lodging." He states. I frown. I know he means going with those two men. "I don't want to go with them." His helmet tilts as he sighs, putting a hand on his hip.
"We need to rest before we leave. Get more supplies like food and you need new clothes." I look away embarrassed about the mention of my clothes. He's right and a small part of me feels annoyed that he's right.
A spark ignites as he goes to leave. My blood rushes as I don't hold my tongue, something I've always been taught to do.
"No."
He pauses at the exit and a bit of fear rushes back into me as I recall my old masters beating me until I was unconscious at the lack of holding my tongue.
He simply keeps his back to me. "You don't have a choice." And he walks out.
My brows furrow in annoyance. He's right, again. I don't have a choice. I never have a choice.
€
After collecting Cara, the three of us plus the two men rode in a wagon to their village. I held Grogu on my lap. Mando sitting next to us and Cara across from us.
Night had fallen, my eyes heavy as the cold nibbled my skin.
"Rest, kid." My eyes flickered to Mando whom stared at me. I shook my head stubbornly- a bit upset with him from earlier, but in all honesty, I'm afraid to sleep.
Firstly, i hate the dark. Secondly, even after feeling upset with Mando, apart of me is still afraid this is all a dream and I would wake in a bed with the man whom abused me for years. Even thinking of those soulless black eyes made the hair on the back of my neck stand.
Or maybe, i would wake up and find Grogu gone, myself being experimented on, tortured. And maybe Mando never did come to our rescue. I frown at the thought.
But suddenly, I felt it again, the warmth, the protective layer of security and comfort. My eyes snapped open- realizing I had closed them- only to see Mando had draped his cape on top of Grogu and I. One hand clutching his weapon, the other holding my hand underneath the cape.
How did he- ? How could he tell? Was I easy to read? Maybe, maybe he knows what it feels like. Maybe we're not so different after all. It makes me curious about him once more.
My eyes water. Such a kind gesture, such an emotional trigger for me that I could not speak, only stare at him as he kept his gaze forward; Cara resting her eyes.
Did he know how I felt? My brows furrowed just the slightest. Who was Mando? Where was he from? Why did he never take his helmet off? Why are weapons apart of his religion? Where is his family?
"Rest, Almana." His voice deep yet soothing. So, I closed my eyes and snuggled into his arm- clutching Grogu comfortably into me as I let my eyes fall.
Have...have my prayers been answered?
I felt my bottom lip quiver, whatever this was- this dysfunctional relationship, I never wanted it to end.
€