CHAPTER FIFTY-TWO !
[ real life ]
❝ YOU DESERVE TO CRY. ❞
tw for mentions of grieving a loved one and grief itself??? don't know if that needs a tw but
📂﹖﹕𓂃𐩐💻
ʳᵉᵃˡ ˡⁱᶠᵉ
aurora has cocooned herself with the blankets on her bed.
the school day ended a while ago and she never even got a fucking chance to talk to ross. he pranced off all happily after matt literally fucking stormed off, muttering something about having to tell his friends and ignoring the dirty looks from literally everyone at the table. she couldn't find him after lunch either.
literally where the fuck does he even go? she hasn't got a clue about anything about him which just makes her want to scream because couldn't she have realized this whole thing was stupid earlier? couldn't she have realized sometime before the day before her dads literal fucking death anniversary?
she just feels like death. literal death.
some old movie is playing on her tv, like a really old one, like the quality is so bad that's it's surprising that it's not in black and white.
it's some movie her mother told her about years ago, one her dad was obsessed with before he passed. aurora thinks the movie is as boring as ever but she still lays down and watches it anyway. she watches it to try and form some sort of connection with him even though he's fucking dead and it just doesn't work. how is she supposed to feel connected to someone she can't even remember? couldn't she get one memory to keep so she could at least have her own opinion on the guy?
it's crazy. her own dad feels like a fucking stranger simply because he passed before she could remember him. all she's ever heard from family is that she's just like him or that he loved her so much and sometimes she just wants to scream 'what the fuck does that even mean?' she just wishes she was able to know things about him that she didn't find out from someone else.
she never knows how to feel on this day. she doesn't know how to grieve. how do you grieve someone you don't remember?
it helps when she gets to visit his grave with elijah and her mom. it helps her internally knowing that yes, this is a real person. yes, he existed. yes, you existed at the same time as him. yes, he was still there even though your brain made you forget.
she likes to sit there and whisper to him when elijah and her mother give her privacy. she whispers as if she's ashamed for anyone else to hear. she whispers and she apologizes. she apologizes for not remembering him. all she ever hears from her family is that he was this incredible guy who loved her with everything he had so fuck, it sucks to not have a single recollection of any of it. it makes her feel guilty.
she hates today and she hates the guilt but it's there. it's an all consuming guilt that makes it hard to think about anything else.
that's why she likes to distract herself. she likes to not be alone, to be with her friends, to be with her family, to be with him himself at his grave. but fucking hell, she would never come out and tell anyone that because it just makes her depending on other people and where has that ever gotten her? just look at her and her fucking mom.
she has a lot of internal problems, she realizes. she doesn't have time to think on it though because in the middle of her zoning out, there's a soft knock on her bedroom door.
her eyebrows furrow momentarily, raising her head and turning to look to the door. she almost wonders why they didn't just walk in before she realizes she locked the door. she locked the door in case she started crying. no fucking way would there be a chance of her step dad coming home and walking in on her crying. she would never be caught dead crying in front of her step father.
she sighs quietly and throws the multiple blankets covering her elsewhere. she stands up and mumbles out a, "coming," just loud enough for most-likely elijah to hear. when she reaches the door, she rubs at her face slightly and takes in a breath before unlocking it.
when she opens the door, she's dumbfounded. the features of her face instantly go slack and her lips part as she's surprised, probably looking like a fool. matt is standing in front of her and once she takes a second to realize that, her eyebrows finally furrow.
"hi," he speaks quietly after she stares at him like he's a foreign creature. she glances over him and he's wearing a black ransom hoodie, pajama pants, airforces, and his hair is messily plastered over his forehead like he's been running his hands through it. her eyebrows just scrunch together even more.
"hi?" she responds back almost in question because what? why is he here? she thinks on it for a moment and then decides he must be here to scream at her over ross. so, she shakes her head slightly and says a quiet, "i don't really feel like fighting right now."
matt's eyebrows furrow just a smidge and his eyes do a little thing that suggest he's offended by her assumption. "i'm not here to fight."
auroras lips twist to the side and she scans over the features of his face, trying to figure him out. "why are you here then?" she challenges.
his eyes grow hesitant and that makes aurora curious. one of his hands begin to rub at the back of his neck and he's suddenly looking at the floor nervously instead of her. "i thought..." he begins, taking in a breath and raising his other hand to reveal he's holding his keys. "maybe i could take you to your dads grave since your mom won't."
"what?" auroras mouth instantly opens. matt anxiously awaits her answer, knowing he'll feel like a fool if she says no but will feel better nonetheless knowing he asked. aurora though, just... doesn't know what to say. she's never visited her dads grave with anyone besides her family. so, she gives him an out. "it's 5pm."
"yeah," he agrees.
"the cemetery he's buried at is like three hours out of town."
"okay."
"it's a school night."
"yeah."
"we'd get back really late."
"i know."
"then why would you offer that?" she tries, just not quite able to grasp his generosity.
matt falls silent for a moment, rubbing at his lip with his hand to think of what to say before ultimately shrugging. "because it means a lot to you and you mean a lot to me," he reveals quietly.
it's crazy how aurora has been so close to crying all day but hasn't been able to fully tear up and that's the one thing that gets a lump to form in her throat.
aurora bites on the inside of her lip, not wanting to speak as she just stares at him. matt's eyes grow slightly concerned as he glances over her features, realizing how fragile she looks. his lips twist downwards and he realizes she looks to be on the verge of crying almost. his eyes soften and he tries, "auror-"
he gets cut off when aurora abruptly turns her head to look in another direction and steps forward so she can reach her arms around him. matt's jaw goes slack as aurora desperately pulls him into a hug. aurora, the girl that's hated hugs and affection since as long as he can remember, pulls him into a hug. it's a tight hug too. both of her arms wrap around his stomach and one of her hands come to grip onto the fabric of his hoodie. he can tell she needs it by how secure her embrace is.
he frowns and wraps both of his arms around her shoulders, his keys still in one of his hands. he pulls her slightly closer to him and can hear her let out a muffled sniffle and it nearly breaks his heart in two. aurora crying is a sight he's never—and will never enjoy.
the hug is such a bittersweet one. the warmth it brings creates a fire in his chest he hasn't gotten to experience from her in so long but the reasoning behind it kills the fire in an instant and creates a small tear instead.
"thanks matt," she eventually mumbles against him, just loud enough for him to hear. her arms loosen their hold on him and she pulls away enough for her face to now be in his view.
"yeah, of course," he mumbles as well. he hesitates as his arms are still around her shoulders loosely, wanting to give a small gesture of affection. he debates internally for a few short seconds before leaning more into her and lowering his head to press a chaste kiss to her forehead. it's very quick and aurora blinks in surprise. he decides not to think on his actions for too long and separates from the embrace, taking a small step back. aurora gives him a tiny half-smile and he lets out a breath. "let's go then, yeah?"
"yeah, okay," she nods shortly, glancing around her room for a second. "let me put my shoes on. can you go tell elijah i'm going?"
"oh," matt blinks as she walks over to her closet and grabs her airforces. she crouches as she begins to put them on. "he already knows."
"what?" her eyebrows furrow even though she's looking at her shoes as she puts them on and not him. "why?"
"uh.. i told him my plans," he awkwardly tells her. it was also elijah's idea since elijah is a good fucking brother. he also didn't want to drive and he'd already accepted staying home for the day so he figured matt could take the opportunity to be there for her.
"oh," she just responds quietly, finishing putting on her other shoe and standing up straight. "okay."
the pair eventually exit the house and make it out to the car, matt taking the drivers seat and aurora taking the passenger seat of course. matt does the thing where he puts his hand on aurora's seat and looks behind him when pulling out of the driveway and aurora just stares. she just stares. yes, she's on the way to her dads grave but she still takes the opportunity to stare at matt in admiration.
matt notices her staring in the corner of his eye and once he's pulled out of the driveway completely, he puts his arm down and faces forward in his seat. "what?" he questions.
"nothing," aurora responds far too quickly.
matt just grows even more curious, sparing her a glance as he turns his head. "no, what?"
"nothing," aurora repeats, rolling her eyes when he gives her a look that says he doesn't believe her. "i was just taken aback by how fucking ugly you look. sorry."
matt's eyebrows raise in amusement. is that... banter he hears? it's seriously gotta be his lucky day. he looks back to the road and chuckles, "alright, aurora."
aurora just sighs in response, bringing her legs up and her knees to her chest as she looks out the window. she likes matt's presence and the small banter, it distracts her from today and where they're headed.
the conversation dies though as matt drives in the directions of the city aurora briefly told him about on the way to the car. she glances over at him and watches how focused he is on the road. she wants him to talk to her though so she scrambles her mind for something, anything to say. "i love the weeknd," is surprisingly what she settles for.
matt quirks an eyebrow, turning his head in her direction from her sudden talking since he figured she'd want to sit in a peaceful silence for the car ride. "the weekend?"
"the weeknd as in abel, the artist," she clarifies since she realizes it probably sounded a little confusing. she tilts her head at him just slightly and asks, "do you listen to any of his songs?"
"yeah," he responds easily, tapping his hand against the steering wheel as he makes a turn. "i like after hours and die for you," he tells her, welcoming the sudden subject.
aurora grins momentarily. "i love after hours," she agrees.
"really?" he questions, earning a nod from her. he nods as well. "it's my favorite," he shares with her.
"why?" she asks.
he falls silent for a beat too long. "no reason," he shrugs.
"no reason?" she repeats questioningly.
"yeah," he attempts a nonchalant tone. "just do."
"okay," she sighs, not pressing the subject any further. she glances back out her doors window for a moment before realizing the cars got no music still and quickly grabbing the aux cord.
matt notices her connecting it to her phone and hums. "was wondering when you were gonna do that."
aurora doesn't feel the need to respond with anything, just begins scrolling through spotify until she finds what she's looking for. after hours by the weeknd begins to play and matt instantly recognizes the beat, turning his head and raising his eyebrows at her. aurora shrugs, putting her phone down and leaning back in her seat.
the car falls silent besides the loud sound of the song playing through the speakers and matt finds himself glancing over at her throughout the song. she's leant back in her seat and it begins to grow obvious she's a little tired by the way she keeps yawning.
after the first chorus of the song plays through, matt looks over at her again and he can tell she'll fall asleep after a few more songs. so, he doesn't miss his chance to tell her before she falls asleep. he sighs a quiet, "it reminds me of you."
"what?" auroras head instantly turns in his direction, eyebrows scrunched together.
"the song," matt answers truthfully, looking away from her and at the road.
"oh," aurora murmurs quietly, ignoring the fact that the song is all about breaking someone's heart and wishing they were still with you, and instead just looking out her window. as the rest of the song plays through though, it feels different than it had listening to it before.
eventually aurora ends up falling asleep and it doesn't surprise matt in the slightest. her phone begins to play random taylor swift songs since her playlist is on shuffle and she's not queuing songs anymore and even though matt wouldn't prefer it, he doesn't change the songs.
after about an hour and a half of driving, matt has to pull over to a gas station because of the cars lack of fuel. aurora is still asleep when he pulls up next to a tank and he misses the way him closing the door after he gets out wakes her up.
she blinks repeatedly in surprise, raising her head from where she was resting it against the window. she rubs at her head slightly from the hardness of the glass and glances around to figure out where they are now. once she realizes they're at a gas station, she sits up in her seat and leans over the gear switch and to matt's side of the car to roll down his window since he's outside filling up the car with gas.
his head turns in surprise from the sound of the window rolling down and aurora rests her hands over the exterior of the car once it's fully down. "can you get me twizzlers?" she asks simply, voice kind of muffled since she just woke up.
matt's soft face instantly scrunches up at the mere mention of the red candy. "no," he's immediately shaking his head, looking at her as if she's asked some insanely absurd question. "fuck no."
auroras mouth drops in offense in her still tired state. "why not?"
"twizzlers are ass," he just shrugs as if it's obvious, turning away from her slightly as he waits for the the tank to continue filling up. twizzlers genuinely give him ptsd at this point.
aurora rolls her eyes and leans her head slightly out the window. "can you get me reeces then? like the white chocolate ones."
matt turns his head to her and gives a blank, "no."
auroras mouth drops open in offense once again and she sits up. "okay fuck you then," she says annoyedly before rolling the window up and returning back to her place in her seat, now with her arms crossed.
when matt is finished filling up the gas finally, he heads for the small store. aurora rolls her eyes to herself when he exits with a bag in his hand. little fucking shit got himself something and not her when she asked. she groans internally. maybe ross is the one. he would've got her twizzlers. haha just kidding! been there done that, she thinks, shaking her head to herself slightly.
her thoughts are cut off when matt returns to the car. once he climbs in, she lets out a dramatic huff because of course she does. despite their own problems right now and what day it is for her, it seems she can't resist the urge of falling into aggregated banter with matt after spending a prolonged amount of time with him.
she doesn't look in his direction to prove her point of annoyance when he suddenly sighs loudly and shoves the bag he got from the store in her lap. she looks down to it instantly, her eyebrows raising and then looking to him. he just rolls his eyes, beginning to pull out of the place.
she curiously opens the bag, taking a peak inside to find not only white chocolate reeces, but twizzlers and a mountain dew as well. he actually got her what she wanted and an additional drink he knows she likes. she can't help the grin that forms on her face and she looks over to him gratefully. "thank you, matt."
he looks over to her as well and tries to act nonchalant but can't help to way his lip turns upwards. it's just so good to see her smiling at him again. he wants to savor it forever. "of course," he mumbles with a slight sheepishness, looking back to the road.
throughout the other hour and a half of the ride to the cemetery, aurora surprisingly stays awake. she drinks her soda and finishes her reeces in the first five minutes but doesn't touch the twizzlers yet. they sit in a comfortable silence as music plays through the cars speakers.
the atmosphere noticeably shifts the closer they get there though and when matt turns down the road that eventually leads to the place, he glances over at aurora to find her biting her nails.
he feels pity for the girl, just simply because her heart hurting makes his hurt as well. once they reach the sign of the place, matt speaks up with hesitance, "which part is it at?"
aurora blinks in surprise like she had zoned out before mumbling a quiet, "it's by that hill with the big tree." she points her hand out in a direction of a hill that becomes more visible as they continue down the road.
matt nods and turns the car in that path. he drives down along the way and the car becomes pretty much dead silent between them, the only sound being heard is the quiet song of marjorie by taylor swift. matt's face scrunches up slightly. probably not the best song for right now.
as matt slowly drives along the road of the hill, aurora finally catches sight of her fathers gravesite and murmurs a quiet, "stop here." her stomach is bubbling with the feeling you only get from being in a cemetery and she suddenly has this insane urge to die and join all the other corpses here. crazy.
"okay," matt quietly says as he sets the car in park, hesitantly turning to look at the girl and making sure his tone is gentle so he doesn't accidentally say something wrong. "you can take as long as you want. i've got all night," he tells her simply like the words don't mean every thing.
"okay," aurora responds softly, her voice extremely quiet as she manages a short nod. she looks away from him for a small moment and she seems to bite on the inside of her lip before turning back to him. "you're staying here then?"
"yeah," matt is quick to reply, wanting to make it obvious that he has respect for her. "i figure you'd want your privacy."
"yeah, okay," aurora murmurs and her tone is a little off. she lets out a small sigh and pulls her door open, stepping out and onto the small paved road. she tucks her hair behind her ear and matt gives her a small kind smile that she tries her best to return it but also knows she fails. she begins to turn around and assumedly shut the door before she just ends up turning back around and looking at matt. "actually, can you please come with me? not like, to his grave but just with me? like on a bench or something i don't know just—"
"of course, aurora," matt cuts her off with a soft nod, already unbuckling his seatbelt. aurora lets out the smallest sigh of relief and matt opens his door and climbs out, shutting it behind him and walking over to auroras side as she closes her door.
she looks up at him and takes in a long breath. he gives her a smile and aurora almost wants to crumble more than she already has. she nods her head in the direction in front of him and he nods as well, the two beginning to walk side by side. it's completely silent between them and all aurora can focus on is the smell of the night air and the light of the moon above them since the sun set not too long ago.
aurora's hand comes to grip onto matt's hoodie on his wrist, needing some form of security. matt notices the small touch and glances down at it, shrugging his arm slightly and making her hand fall. just as it does, he quickly grabs it and interlocks it with his instead. he interlaces their fingers and give a small squeeze, just to reassure her that he's there. she seems to acknowledge it appreciatively because she steps slightly closer to him as they continue walking.
they eventually become in view of the grave as they're walking and matt glances around, looking for somewhere he can sit so he won't invade her privacy. his eyes land on a bench not that far away and he stops in his tracks, making aurora pause her walking as well. "okay," matt starts quietly, disconnecting their hands as he now stands in front of her. he points behind her and she turns her head. "i'm gonna go sit at that bench," he tells her, making it clear what he's pointing at. when she notices it, she turns back around and he puts his hand down. "just come get me when you're done, okay? you have all the time you want. i'll be patient," he says softly.
"okay." she nods.
matt gives her one last reassuring smile before turning to walk past her. as he does, he purposefully brushes his hand against hers for a comfort. he walks all the way over to the bench and sits down with a sigh.
he's not sure how long he sits there for, he doesn't time it, but it is a while before he hears auroras footsteps nearing the bench. he turns his head to look at her and her eyes are downcast, she doesn't say a word and sits on the bench next to him.
she doesn't seem to want to say anything and matt stares at her side profile, a frown taking over his lips. she isn't looking at him and her eyes are set on the ground in front of him and he can practically feel the hurt seeping off of her. "aurora," he whispers quietly, as if he's afraid to break her by being too loud.
she takes in a small heartbreaking breath before finally looking at him and his eyes immediately soften when he sees the tears brimming in her own that she for some reason, refuses to let out. "aurora.." he whispers again, now with sorrow as he glances over her features. "it's okay to cry, you know that, right?"
aurora instantly looks away from him, pressing her lips together to attempt to hide her obvious emotions. she takes in a long breath to collect herself and attempts to speak. "i don't even—" her voice breaks and she pauses for a moment before speaking again, "i don't even remember him."
matt's frown grows even more and he scoots closer to her, leaning down so he can see her face that's set on staring at the ground. "that doesn't change anything. it's still okay to cry," he tells her in a comforting whisper, keeping his tone as soft as ever. "mourning someone is never easy, no matter if you have memories of them or not. it's still a loss and it's completely normal to cry over. everyone needs to cry." she glances over the ground in front of them before looking back at him just as he enthuses a quiet, "you need to cry."
aurora shakes her head softly, not wanting to give into the overwhelming desire to let her tears out. "i hate crying so fucking much."
"yeah, i know," matt responds because of course he knows. he looks down at where her hand is resting on the surface of the bench and places his own hand over top of it. he then looks back up at her. "i know your step dad gave you this ridiculous fear of crying and being vulnerable but fuck that. he's not here. i'm here. everyone should be able to mourn someone and cry over a loss. he can't take that away from you. you deserve to cry, aurora."
matt's voice is so gentle and his words are so carefully said, like he's afraid to accidentally step over something. aurora just stares at him, taking in his words and him when the first tear falls from her eyes. she instantly looks away from him as if she's ashamed and another tear falls from her eyes. before she knows it, there's practical waterfalls streaming down her face and it's so reliving and so embarrassing and it makes her cry more. matt doesn't shame her, doesn't ridicule her, doesn't tease her. he whispers an extremely soft, "aurora," and wraps his hand in her hair. he pulls her head to his chest and she instantly seeks comfort in him and his arms, crying into his hoodie.
she cries and she cries and she cries. he whispers and he whispers and he whispers. he's there with her through it all and comforts her and reassures her it's completely okay throughout her breakdown.
she lets it all out and matt holds her as she does. and then she collects herself, matt helping her pick up a couple pieces. they stand up from the bench and they go to the car. then, they go home to auroras house and matt stays with her even then too. she cries some more and matt is there. he's there through it all.
the night becomes blurry for aurora through all her tears, but her crying and matt being there for her is the clearest thing in her mind. she falls asleep in her bed, laying her head on matt's lap as he sits and whispers that she'll be okay and for once, she feels like she will.
she'll be okay because matt's there.
💌
this is so different than what i normally write lowkey kind of nervy.. i apologize for how sad it is and next chap kind of keeps the same sad vibes but it's way less emotional like you'll be so happy w me at the end of it #trust
and i KNOW u saw the notif that i updated and were like ????? what ????? bc yeah. ur not hallucinating. i updated only after a DAY.
also my daddy issues shined through so clearly while writing this and if u have any experience of grief similar to aurora or just have gone through losing a loved one, u are not alone and i love u so so so much.
<3
jaden