Aarzoo
Have you ever been the closest to someone yet felt the farthest away?
We looked at each other without blinking. My mind rushed as I recalled that day. It was Farris who grabbed me just before falling. It was he who picked me. It was his shirt that I was grabbing. It was his heartbeat that I felt. He carried me home, placed me on the bed gently, and was gone by the time I woke up.
Before I could ask him anything, he got a phone call. 'Yes Lawrence' He told as his gaze still stuck on me.
'Umm...is it important?' He continued to talk looking away. 'Please tell him to calm down and assure him I'll be there in less than half an hour' He said walking towards the window. I looked away and exhaled not being able to cope with the reality. I wiped my hands on my jeans as they were now starting to sweat.
'I need to go' he said and picked up his bag from the table. 'Where?' I asked. 'It's work' He responded to me in a hurry and quickly typed a message to someone. 'I'm supposed to be working with you!' I reminded him as I got up from the chair.
'Not today' He said shaking his head with a serious face.
'You should go home' He said after kissing Adam's forehead while he was asleep.
He left the room while I blanked out for a while. A moment later I chased him to go with him. I informed the nurse to get to the room and keep Adam accompanied while I sprinted to catch hold of him. I saw him enter the elevator and increased my pace getting inside the elevator just before it closed. He looked at me out of astonishment and asked 'What are you doing?'
'Enough of this. I am coming with you. 'I signed the contract to work and you are not paying me for nothing!' I exclaimed as I started to get very perplexed.
'You are not doing any favor on me to pay me for free. This is now my job and I'm just doing my job' I said as I turned towards the elevator keeping a straight face before it could open.
'Fine then' He said calmly and looked forward with a straight face just as I was.
We got into his car and drove to his office. It was my first time going to his office and it was situated in a tall commercial building in Amsterdam. Someone opened the door and bowed down slightly greeting Farris and doing the same to me. It was difficult to keep up with his speed as he walked because he was very fast. I almost had to jog behind him.
We entered a cabin with a nameplate that said Farris Qadri- Family law attorney.
There were two men inside waiting for him. One of the men was formally dressed and looked like a lawyer too. I assumed he was Mr. Lawrence who was on a call with earlier and the other man was half bald, in casuals. The room was intense like they were having a very complex conversation. 'Good afternoon gentlemen' He said casually as he walked in with a cheerful smile. Both the men glanced over me out of confusion. 'Who is she?' The bald man asked as he spoke in a Dutch accent as if he was offended by my presence in that room at that time.
'She works for me' Farris said as he sat on his chair on the other side of the table and crossed his fingers. 'Tell me, how can I help you this time?' He asked him politely yet confidently.
'This is the last time I'm telling you sir, I want my children back' He said biting his teeth in anguishment. 'Well, we've told you a million times now that you can meet your children once every week, for an hour' Farris spoke. 'That's not enough!' He interrupted and banged his hand on the tabletop and stood up. Farris crossed his legs resting his back on the chair. Lawrence stood up trying to calm the man down.
'Mr. Huston, please sit down before I take the little that you have away from you' Farris said in a threatening note and the man sat back down. 'Trust me, I am not going to repeat this again, I can't help you with this. Your ex-wife has won custody of your children and we can't change that. You can meet your children for one hour, every week. This was the judgment passed by the court and like it or not, we're abiding by that' He spoke very professionally and I admired his flawless confident attitude.
'I'm not going to spare any of you' The man aggressively pointed his index finger toward each one of us and I looked at him completely in shock. 'I'll see how you can keep me away from my children' He blabbered out in anger. 'Mr. Huston, please try and understand.' Mr. Lawrence started to speak in order to console him but Farris gestured for him to remain quiet.
'You may now leave' Farris said faking politeness.
'Please leave before I get you thrown out' Farris said noticing that the man was not ready to leave. The man flashed us all his middle finger before leaving and Farris laughed at his anger 'Stupid man' he mumbled as he opened his laptop. I looked at him as to how he could handle such complex situations with such ease.
'Lawrence if you ever let this man inside my office consider yourself fired' He said as he exhaled calmly resting his chin on his hand as he scrolled down his email. 'But-'He tried to defend. 'You can leave' He said while his eyes were still glued to his laptop screen.
'Nice to meet you' Mr. Lawrence told me with a formal smile before he left the cabin to both of us.
After several moments of silence, he finally closed his laptop and looked at me 'Are you okay?' He asked looking at my face which was now pale.
'Yes-yes' I told him clearing my throat. 'You look pale' he responded giving me a bottle of water. 'Do you want something to eat?' He asked me and I shook my head refusing as I took a sip of water from the bottle. He made a call and ordered food anyways.
'Don't you listen to anyone?' I asked him. 'Does it look like I do?' He smirked. I looked away as I knew he was just another hopeless case I was dealing with.
While we were waiting for our food, I took out my phone to check my messages. I was beyond shocked to see Atif's messages. He normally never does. While I stared at my phone screen I felt someone looking at me. I lifted my head to look at Farris and he instantly looked away taking a sip from his bottle of water. I sighed and got out of the building to catch some privacy and text him back. I opened his chat box and started to type.
Atif: Hey!
Atif: How is your first day at work?
I took a deep breath and started to type him back.
Me: Hi. It was...
Out of nowhere, I heard a loud thud on the ground due to which my phone slipped down from my hand. I looked in the direction of the sound and I saw a man lying on his stomach on the ground. I stood there as I recognized him. It was the bald head guy. I heard chaos and instant chatter around me.
'He jumped from that building' people said and started looking at the top of the building from where he had jumped. It was the building we were in.
I stared at his lifeless body as he was just fine a few minutes ago. I can't believe he took his life without being able to handle his misery. In a few seconds, he was surrounded by his own pool of blood. My legs trembled as this man committed suicide right in front of my eyes. I stood there in disbelief.
I felt someone grab my arm and pull me out of the crowd. It was Farris 'Are you okay?' He looked at me out of concern. 'He-He' I wheezed trying to talk. 'You shouldn't be here' He pulled me out of there and made me sit on the couch in the waiting lobby of his office. He got on both his knees to ask me if I was okay. 'Is he dead?' I asked him.
'Looks like he is' he said as he shrugged with his forehead wrinkled looking in the direction of the door. I stared at him not being able to believe it.
'Are you not guilty?' I asked. 'For what?' He looked back into my eyes. 'You're the last person he spoke to. All he wanted is to be with his children. And you threatened him to leave' I told.
'He was in misery. You could help him but you chose not to' I added pointing my finger toward his dead body.
'He should've thought about that before coming home drunk every night and hitting his wife' He said as he looked into my eyes without a pinch of guilt.
'The children he was talking about are the children who think their father is a monster for torturing their mother. They hate him, they're scared of him' He continued to talk.
'He lost his case completely. He was not even allowed to meet his children. I'm a father too. I know how that feels...' he took a small pause.'I did all I could to buy him that one hour every week under professional supervision'
'It is sad but the man did this to himself' he said as he got up and dusted his pants.
'Not every person asking for help is helpless. Some people just fuck things up no matter how many times you make it right'
'Remember that' He said before leaving me there and heading towards the exit to handle the situation from his end. I sat there in the lobby and watched the chaos in silence. I heard the ambulance siren outside the building and I couldn't shake off what he said out of my mind. I sat there for what felt like forever and did not realize when I dozed off.
I woke up after what felt like a moment but it was after hours that I had woken up. I was on the same couch I was sitting on a few hours ago. I recalled the man who killed himself and looked around as I started to panic. I found Farris asleep on the couch opposite mine. I watched him sleep as he crossed his arm and rested his head backward on the backrest. I looked around and found no one else in the office. I noticed a sticky note stuck on the coffee table in front of me. It said 'Didn't want to wake you up as you looked tired. Wake me up once you do :) ' With a smiling emoji at the end of the note.
I smiled at him for being considerate. I walked closer to him to wake him up. Just when I was about to, something stopped me. I changed my mind. I reached into my pocket for my phone and did not find it there. I remembered how I dropped it on the ground earlier this day. I exhaled and walked out of the office looking around only to find absolutely no one around except in the reception. Is it that late? I wondered as I started to worry thinking about what might be the scene at home. I quickly walked exiting the building without knowing how late it was. I started to freak out when I couldn't find a taxi. Just when I thought of going back to Farris, I was lucky to find a taxi that agreed to drop me back home. I looked at the digital screen in the car that showed it was 8:30. I exhaled as I looked outside the window hoping I reach home as soon as possible. I started to think about Atif's mother who was surely going to make a fuss about this.
About thirty to forty minutes later I reached the destination. The driver refused to drop me near my building as he wanted to go straight on that road. He dropped me at the end of the street and it was going to be a five minutes' walk home.
I was walking with an empty mind and a very heavy heart. My muscle strength guided me home while my mind zoned out completely. I didn't know what I was doing with my life and where was I heading. I was married to someone who was not interested the least bit in me and ended in an awful divorce. Why does my life keep throwing me into situations which I don't know to handle? Which is too much for me to take? I walked keeping my gaze down on the ground. I looked up as the street was empty with no one around. Just then I heard footsteps approaching me from behind. Their shadow fell on the ground giving me a hint that they were two men. I was too scared to look behind as I didn't know what they would want from me or do to me. I started walking faster. I heard multiple footsteps over my shoulder. Dark memories of the past kept flashing into my head as I felt the exact same fear. I started to pant as I was almost sprinting toward my apartment. Whoever was behind me was now very close to me as I could smell the foul smell of cigarettes. I felt them very close over my shoulder. My pounding heart came to rest when I saw Atif standing below our apartment waiting for me. I started sprinting faster toward him. He glanced over me hearing my footsteps and our eyes met.
'Hey, where have you been?' He asked holding my shoulders.
'And why...' he stopped talking as he noticed the two men behind me now standing at a safe distance. He quickly understood the situation and glared at them like he wouldn't hesitate to take their lives. I glanced over my shoulder with fear and saw them looking at me like they just missed a feast. I couldn't stop thinking about what happened to me in the past and couldn't hold myself anymore. It was the same fear.
Everything was so overwhelming that I had an emotional breakdown right there. I started weeping like never before. My life was scattered around in pieces right in front of me and I am not able to pick them. Why does it always happen to me? I sobbed. I bawled like a baby in front of him without uttering a word. He kept asking me what was wrong and why I was crying but I had no words to tell him that would suffice how I was feeling. He held me by my face and asked me 'Tell me what's going on?' His forehead crinkled and concern was in his eyes.
I pulled myself together and stopped crying after a while. 'Let's go home' I told him as I started walking towards the lobby. He gripped my wrist and pulled me towards him 'I'm not going anywhere until you tell me what's wrong' He responded.
'Why?' I responded.
'Because...' he said looking around trying to say what he was feeling 'It's concerning' he completed his sentence. His eyes begged for an answer.
'Since when?' I asked him back. 'What do you mean?'
'Since when do you care?
'Really?' He asked raising both his eyebrows.
'Yes, tell me' I started to speak as I was now done with his fake behavior. 'You don't care about me. You only pretend to' I continued to speak.
'You should be careful about what you say' he told.
'Or what?' I argued. 'Am I only here to endure the miseries that you're throwing at me?' I asked as I raised my voice at him.
'What are you talking about?' He responded not being able to comprehend what was going on.
'Listen, let's not do this today...' he spoke as he held me by my shoulders. 'Don't touch me' I shrugged his hands away.
'You have no right to touch me' I added. He froze his hands in the air and looked at me like I said something that broke his heart.
'Why are you doing this to me?' He asked.
'Why am I doing this to you?' I repeated his question in denial. 'You left me!'
'YOU LEFT ME TOO!' He shouted as he had enough of me being unreasonable. His chin trembled as he was trying to control his tears. 'I agree, I wanted to end this marriage but don't pretend like it was just me. You wanted to end this as much as I wanted to' He continued to talk as his eyes started turning red.
'Do not...ever tell me that again' he said as his voice trembled and a drop of tear slid down his cheek. I stared at his face as I did not expect that reaction out of him. My heart ached when I saw tears in his eyes for the first time. 'I don't want to keep you trapped with me. You are free to go wherever you want and do whatever you want' He continued to speak wiping his eyes. 'You don't have to struggle like this with me. Please leave if this makes you feel this terrible'
'I can't see you like this' he cried silently dropping his head down.
I looked at him without saying a word unaware of the tears that kept gushing down my eyes as I watched him cry. 'Please go home' He told me after a while rubbing his eyes. 'The door is open. They're asleep' He said and started walking down the street.
'Where are you going?' I asked him. He kept walking without answering. 'Where are you going?' I asked him again and he still hadn't responded.
'Atif' I called out his name between my tears hoping he'd stop. I saw him stop. 'Look at me' I said. He then turned towards me. I looked into his eyes which were now red and filled with tears. His nose turned red too and his lips quivered as he couldn't resist his emotions.
I sprinted towards him and hugged him. He was in my arms. I hugged him tightly. Almost squeezing him. He hesitated to hold me back. I grabbed his hand and wrapped it around my waist giving him permission. He held me back gently yet firmly. I felt his heart pound along with mine. He rested his hand on my head comforting me. 'It's okay' He whispered into my ears as he cried and caressed my hair gently. Moments passed with us standing like that. He unwrapped his arms but I refused to let him go. I felt terrible for hurting him. I felt bad for using my tongue to hurt someone who I feel is the dearest to me.
'Why does it hurt more than I thought it would?' I asked him as I buried my face in his chest gripping his shirt.
'Because you are kinder than you think you are' He replied instantly like he just knew the answer to this question.
I realized, with or without a choice, he was the only one who has been there with me all this while. In the midst of this exhausting journey of his from being my husband to my ex-husband, I don't know when he became my friend, a friend I care about.
He was right there, in my arms yet he left the farthest away from me. Maybe because deep down I knew that neither he nor this moment was going to stay with me for longer.