To say that I miss her would be an understatement.
I've thought about her every second for the past day.
It's now Thursday...
I haven't seen Lucas in school (thank God). My life feels off, but I know it's what I need to do for myself and my mental health.
Between this and the thing with mom being sick, I feel unlike myself. Caroline told me that I should talk to Harper. I can't. She's probably pissed at me and doesn't want to see me.
I still need more time.
This time away was supposed to be helping me, not destroying me and make me feel like a lost puppy who's trying to find its way home... but I left my home to work on myself.
I do wonder if we're ever going to be the same, if not then I'll just have to live with this guilt for the rest of my damn life.
I'm currently sitting in my room, staring at the ceiling. I want to cry, but I'm not going to.
"Rose? Can I come in?" I hear my mom say on the other side.
"Sure." I sit up, moving towards my head board.
Mom walks in, slowly. I can tell she's in really bad pain. She ends up sitting on my side of the bed, facing me. "Caroline coming over later?"
"Yeah, in a few." I say and she nods. "Are you okay?"
She chuckles to herself a little. "I've been better. How are you?"
"I've been better." We both laugh. "I can tell you anything right?"
"Of course, baby. What's up?"
"Things didn't go well with Lucas the other day. He basically said she was better and stuff like that." I lower my head.
She lifts my chin up. "I'm sorry baby, but I feel like there's something else you're not telling me."
I take a deep breath, ready for her to scold me or... something. I don't know. "Harper and I are in love."
My words stop me a little when the word 'love' escapes my mouth.
Her eyes glisten. "I knew something was up. Aw, Rose, she's perfect for you! I've never really met her, but I'm happy for you."
"You're not mad?"
"Mad that you love someone? No matter the gender, if you love a person you should be able to. If you love a person, I'll love them too because I love you."
After talking with my mom about Harper, Caroline bursts into my room. "Rose. You left her?! I can't-" She stops when she sees my mom sitting here. "Oh my God I'm so sorry."
"It's alright, I already know all about Harper Riggs." Mom laughs.
Caroline shakes her head. "Rose I could just cry for you! First Lucas hits you, then you tell Harper you need a break?! Distance?!"
"I'm gonna start a Lucas hate club." Mom says, which makes me laugh. "I'm gonna go, have fun girls."
Caroline comes over and sits in the middle of my bed. "Rose."
"I know, I messed up."
"No, it's fine. I remember you telling me that you thought this was wrong, I just didn't think... this would happen."
I look at her. "I didn't think this would happen either, but it did and I have to live with it."
"Why don't you just go and talk to her if you're so upset about it? I'm sure she would be happy to see you." Caroline gives me a light smile, which she always uses to reassure me.
"What if she doesn't? What if she's so mad at me that even the thought of me makes her angry."
She shakes her head. "I think it's all in your head, Rose! I think that she misses you." As she's about to go on, we hear the front door open. "Your dad's home early."
"He's been getting home early because of my mom."
Caroline puts her hand on me knee. "I'm sorry about her by the way. It must be really hard."
"It's alright, thanks." I take a deep breath. "Can we talk about something else besides my mom or Harper?"
"Yeah, I got a story. Listen to this bullshit!" I can already tell this is gonna be a good one. "Remember that bitch that asked me to pick out her outfit for the party? And she said that she didn't like my style?"
I laugh. "Yeah, what about her?"
"She hit me up again, apologizing, and asked if I can style her again!"
"No way."
"Yes way! I said 'bitch no, you were mean to me last time and blamed me for your shitty outfits.' Then I hung up." She shakes her head and I stare at her in disbelief.
"You really said that?"
She nods. "Of course. Oh and I saw her in school the other day and this girl has the audacity-"
A blood wrenching scream cuts through the air. We both look at each other before getting to our feet.
We watch what's going on from the stop of the stairs. Dad is kneeling on the floor next to mom who's being held up a little by his arms. He has his hand under her head while she foams at the mouth.
"One of you! Call for help! Now!" He yells and Caroline dashes for the phone while I stand there in horror at my mothers state.
We stand outside in the freezing November cold. Caroline has a blanket wrapped around us while we watch the ambulance people put mom in the back of the truck.
"I'm going into the ambulance. Rose, I think you should drive there. Caroline, do whatever you want and I really appreciate you calling for me."
"Anytime." They smile at each other before dad gets into the back of the ambulance. "Rose, I know you hate crying in front of people, but it's okay to cry."
"I can't cry."
"I can see the tears in your eyes, babes."
"I can't." I feel frozen. I feel dead. Like everything in my body is in a state of shock.
She puts her arm around me and brings me into her car. "Come on, we're going."
They won't let us see her yet, so they're having us sit in the waiting room.
No one's here, it's just Caroline and I.
I sit with the blanket over me while Caroline texts on her phone, periodically checking on me.
My phone's in my back pocket, going off every once in a while. I don't have the strength to look at it.
"Rose? Caroline?" A nurse comes out and asks, and we nod. "Come with me."
We follow her down a long hallway that feels like it's going on for hours. We reach room 112 and she opens the door for us.
I almost break down when I see her.
She's laying there with tubes down her mouth and IV's in her ams, legs, and stomach.
I still can't cry.
Dad's sitting by her side in a maroon chair. "Honey, she's unconscious." My eyes avert to him and right back to mom, scared to take my eyes off her and scared that if I look at him crying, it'll finally trigger me and I'll suddenly start sobbing.
Caroline puts her hand on my shoulder as she stares at mom as well.
It's an awful sight.
Dad speaks up. "The doctors are coming in very soon, you two should go back into the waiting room."
"Okay." I respond weakly. Caroline nods at my dad and puts a hand on my back, guiding me into the waiting room.
When we get there, all of our stuff is in the same spot. We sit in the same place and Caroline whips out her phone and starts typing as I sit there and stare off.
I stare off and think about nothing.
I've already thought all my thoughts, now there is no thought to think about.
After staring off for about 10 minuets, the hospital doors open. I advert my eyes to see a girl with wavy honey blond hair, in a side braid that's resting on her black winter coat. She's wearing jeans and white sneakers.
I look at her full self as the tears from earlier settle back into my eyes and go away.
The girl smiles at me and I look over to Caroline who looks like she's about to cry.
Emotions fill my body as I'm now aware that Caroline told Harper to come here.