Trigger Warning: Detailed description of self harm.
"I'm sorry." Emily whispered, she felt guilty but she also felt abandoned, overwhelmed, angry, hurt and upset. So many emotions confused her and that often caused an episode like that day's to happen, some were worse than others and they knew that. They knew that she couldn't always control how she reacted and that she tried her best and they tried to remember and accomodate that as best as they could.
"What are you sorry for, Emily?" Tanya asked the teenager slowly, trying to get her side of events and an insight of why she had reacted that way. Emily rolled her eyes and balled her fists, clencing them. Emily continued with her rocking and counting, her arms wrapped around her knees pulling them close to her chest, her blanket pulled around her shoulders. The only sound that could be heard except for the puffs of air escaping the two's mouths were mutters.
"1." Emily muttered as she rocked forth and then back again, "2." and she continued with the pattern again. It was a technique that she had learnt, it concentrated her mind on the counting and rocking, allowing time for her emotions to simmer down and for her thoughts to die down slightly. "3." She went on again, Tanya scribbled notes down in her pad, looking at the teenager who was still rocking back and forth.
"Emily, just talk to me hun. There's nothing to be afraid of. It's just me, Tanya, your social worker. I'm not going to hurt you, I'm a friend." Tanya spoke quietly to the blonde, but the words just went in one ear and out another. A huff of annoyance escaped Emily's lips, she stopped rocking and turned to face Tanya, she rolled her eyes and then stared at the wall, comforted by the silence.
Even if it was short-lasting.
"Emily, just talk to me." Tanya tried again, despite each effort being rejected, she kept her patience and tried again to talk to the blonde teenager.
Emily was getting more annoyed by the second. "Stop it! You made me forget! What number was I on? I have to start all over again! Stupid Tanya, stupid people, stupid mother." She yelled before quieting down into a mutter, repeating herself over and over again. "Stupid Tanya, stupid people, stupid mother." With that she went back to her rocking, starting over with her counting. "1." She took a deep breath, "2." another, "3." and another breath of air entered her lungs.
The roaring in her ears slowly calmed down and her tense muscles slowly became more relaxed, her breathes were more regular and her heart wasn't banging against her chest anymore. "4." She continued with her counting, Tanya and Michelle had taught her the technique, to calm herself down and give time for her overwhelming thoughts to die down and the person to recognize that, perhaps, they weren't going about what they wanted the best way. "5."
With that, Emily was satisfied, she could never end on an even number, maybe it was her O.C.D or her A.S.D. She didn't know, she just knew it created a tenseness in her chest and a feeling of dread and anxiety that something bad was going to happen. Her counting sessions always ended in a 5, wether that was 5, 35, or even 105, it lasted as long as it was needed, until she was calmer and felt safe.
"I only did it because I needed answers. I just want to talk to my mother. To ask her one question. Why wasn't I good enough? What was it about me that compelled her to get rid of me like a piece of trash?" Emily asked, tears welling up in her eyelids, Tanya nodded her head in understanding. "She left and I want to know why! Is that such a fucking crime?!" Tanya shook her head and made more notes in her little black book with her blue pen.
"Emily, it isn't a crime, no. But it wasn't the right way to go about it, either. You did nothing wrong sweetie, okay. It was nothing about you, okay. Your mother loved you even though she had to give you to someone who could give the care you needed." Tanya told the blonde, with a tone of reassurance in her voice, she shot Emily a small smile and for once, it was returned. With Emily's half smile, but it was still a victory. "I'm going to leave now, give you some time."
Tanya collected her bags, shot another smile towards the teen and left the room, shutting the door firmly. Only then, did Emily allow herself to completely break down, she stood up and looked around her room in a daze of anger, confusion, sadness and hurt. She had no care for anything at that moment, only on how to get her feelings out of her head and into the world, so she rooted through her desk and pulled out her small blade that she hid.
Emily took a few deep breaths before she slowly pulled the blade through her skin, she was met with the familiar stinging in her arm. She repeated the action, not once, nor twice, not even three times, but four, then she switched hands and repeated it five times on the other arm, blood slowly started to drip down her arms. Emily, with blurred vision from her tears, rushed to her bathroom, she wiped the blood off and wrapped a bandage over each arm.
She brushed her hair and tied it into a topknot above her head, changed her clothes into a pair of black tracksuit bottoms, a grey long sleeved t-shirt, her light blue disney stitch hoodie and her black and white vans. In a trance-like state, she grabbed a few sets of clothes and pajamas, some toiletries and two pairs of shoes into a backpack. She also shoved her bag of meds into the backpack. Emily dropped the bag onto the floor and opened her laptop, booking a one-way ticket to California, Los Angeles.
Emily grabbed all her savings, a total of $400.49, her ticket cost $80, so she had enough to buy food and drink and a cheap hotel room for a couple of nights. She searched up hotels in California and booked a one-bed room for two nights, which cost her $200. Emily threw her laptop into her backpack, along with her book and grabbed her phone, before leaving through her window and climbing down the tree into the yard.
She scaled the fence with great difficulty and booked an uber, which arrived in ten minutes, they drove her to the airport and she walked inside, through security and went to the shop. She bought herself a few bottles of water, a bar of daim chocolate, a bag of sour sweets, three packs of strawberry gum, a bag of salt and vinegar crisps and a ham and cheese sandwich. She waited in the ten minute queue and payed. "Your total is $16.79" The lady at the till smiled.
She nodded and handed her a twenty dollar bill, she took her change and put it into her purse and into her bag, grabbed her bag of food and walked to a chair where she waited for her flight. Emily couldn't actually believe she had made it this far, that she had actually left, that she was really running away. Emily had already picked up her boarding pass, it was securely in her purse with her money and passport. "Flight 17 to California, LA. Gate 7." A voice broke her from her thoughts.
Emily made sure she had her bags and walked towards the desk, she handed over her passport and boarding pass and then walked through the passage and onto the plane, she checked her ticket. 'Row 1, Seat C.' She was at the front of the plane and on the aisle-side, it meant she wasn't completely submerged in strangers which helped ease her anxiety.
Emily put her backpack into the cabin above her head, sat down, turned her phone onto airplane mode and silent, put her bag of food on her lap and plugged her earphones in. The teenager clicked onto spotify and played her downloaded songs, NF came on and she relaxed, within ten minutes the plane was ready to take off, she smiled to herself as her dream was beginning to come true. She could finally meet her biological mother.
The ending of 'Hate Myself' by NF played and then morphed into the beginning of 'She's All I Wanna Be' by Tate McRae began. The plane took off and Emily let out a sigh, she hated planes, all the possibilities of negative things happening always took over her mind, she just focused on her music and breathing. Within an hour and a half of the flight, Emily felt hungry so she opened her bag and got her sandwich and water out.
Slowly, she took small sips of the cold liquid and let it run down her dry throat, with each bite of the sandwich, she took several gulps of water. Her mind was going crazy with the amount of calories she was consuming in that moment, but she didn't care, she could burn them off later. Next to her sat a mother and her small daughter, no older than seven. The girl was sat in the middle of them and the mother next to the window.
The kid, who she soon learnt was called Nadia, stared at Emily and waved slightly. She smiled softly and waved back, Emily had finished her sandwich and put the rubbish into her bag and opened her bag of crisps and began munching. Despite only being a teen, Emily was quite smart for her age, halfway through the flight she turned her music off and powered her phone down to save battery. She put the earphones and her mobile into her jacket pocket and zipped it.
Emily was visibily anxious and the mother and daughter soon picked up on this. The woman sent small, reasurring glances and smiles to the teen, which she returned. Despite her autism, she wasn't as uneasy as she thought she would have been, going somewhere unknown and alone would have freaked her out, but it hadn't. Maybe that was due to her taking her anti-anxiety and A.D.H.D meds before she left, maybe it was knowing that she was leaving.
Her knee bounced up and down and she took slow deep breaths in and exhaled just as slow, holding them for five, like she had taught herself. "Hey sweetie, are you okay? I'm Kayleigh and this is Nadia." The older woman smiled softly, she knew how scary it was to fly, she was worried too, especially as a mother. All the what ifs clouded her mind like they never had before, before she had her daughter she loved the thrill of flying, now it just brought dread and fear.
"Ye-yeah, I'm fine just nervous. Never flown before, let alone on my own." She smiled and forced a laugh, Kayleigh smiled too.
"It's fine, we're almost there anyways, little under an hour left. Are you meeting someone in LA?" She asked out of curiosity. "It's fine if you don't want to answer, I can be very forward and I'm told I talk alot and too much." They both laughed and Nadia feeling left out joined in, despite having no clue what was going on, or who the blonde was.
"I'm Emily, by the way. It's fine. I'm meeting my mother there. It's nice to talk to someone, instead of just sitting in silence." She paused and took a deep breath and popped another crisp into her mouth. "Hey Nadia, thats such a pretty name you know?" Emily laughed, turning her attention to the younger girl to distract her own mind from the things happening and to focus it on something positive.
Nadia smiled and fiddled with her hands, bouncing a teddy bear on her knee, the fur was a light brown and it wore a pink tutu and silver tiara with the word hope engraved on its paw. "Is it? When I'm old and boring like my mommy, I want to be a dancing princess and rule the world with hope the bear." She smiled her innocent one and started manipulating hope's limbs as if the bear was dancing, with little twirls here and leaps there.
"That's so cool Nadia. Did you know my best friend is called Nadia too and she is so pretty and strong, just like you." She smiled again, inside her head her brain was counting down the minutes left until she could walk out of the airport and jump into a cab and head to the dispatch office where her mother, Maddie worked. All she could do was hope that she was working that day.
Emily opened her bag of sweets and offered one to Nadia and to her mother, Kayleigh, who both accepted, they munched them and winced at the sourness of certain flavours. Within another twenty minutes, the food was gone and they were getting ready to land, time had flown by with Emily being distracted. Which was a bonus, instead of being worried about the flight, she was calm and had released some of her tension and anxiety by just talking to a stranger.
As the plane started to decline slightly, Emily let out a small whimper of fear, pain and anxiety as her arm whacked against the seat and opened one of her cuts up. She cursed under her breath and plastered a small smile on her face, taking small intakes of air into her lungs to settle her brain and remain as calm as she could. "You okay, hun?" The woman, Kayleigh asked, catching onto the fear radiating off of the small teenage girl.
Emily gave her a small smile in return and nodded her head, her blonde curls bouncing with the movement, she clenched her fists and waited for the plane to land. The wheels hit the runway and the plane jerked upwards before straightening out and slowing down to a stop. She had made it to LA, on her own and she was proud of herself.
After thirteen long minutes, Emily took her bag out of the cabin above her, unplugged her phone and started to make her way off of the aircraft and into the tunnel connecting the plane to the airport. Kayleigh, Nadia and the teen parted ways, Emily heading to the exit, and the small family of two heading to the baggage reclaim. She turned her phone back onto loud and off of airplane mode and ordered an uber to the dispatch office.
Within half an hour, her ride had appeared and they were beginning the hours journey towards her biological mothers place of work. She dozed in and out of a light sleep during the ride, catching up from her lack of shut eye in the recent weeks. As she woke up, the driver pulled over to the side to allow her to get out and grab her backpack, she handed over the twenty dollar bill to the driver and he gave her five dollars back before wishing her a good night.
For a few moments which felt like hours, there she stood with tears in her eyes and her hands shaking, she wiped her eyes furiously and stared at the big building infront of her, she felt terrified, what if her mother rejected her and she was stuck in a foreign city, sixteen hours away from the place she called her home. Deciding that she had to suck her emotions up because she would never find out unless she actually went in, she took the first steps of her new journey.
Confidently walking towards the desk, her hands shook but she shoved them into her hoodie pockets and fiddled with her phone case. "Hello, how can I help you?" The receptionist asked Em kindly, with a small smile, as if they could sense her nerves.
"Hi, I was looking for a dispatcher called Madeline Buckley, is she working today?" She asking in a small voice, her nerves taking over, the man at the desk nodded and looked on his laptop.
"Yeah, she is upstairs now, I can call for her to come down to one of the meeting rooms on this floor. Can I ask what this is about miss?" He asked as he placed the phone to his ear.
"I just need to talk to her, its about a family matter." She decided on and forced a smile to make her story sound more convincing, but her voice failed her and came out shyly and nervous. The receptionist nodded and spoke to the person on the phone and directed her towards the room where she sat on a chair shaking.
Emilia was interrupted from her thoughts by a voice, a voice she could vaguely remember, deep in the back of her memories and in her head a sort of video like image played in her head. Of a tall brunette woman rocking the baby in her arms singing lullabies. That was the moment she realized, this was her mother, this was the moment she had waited all her life for.
"Hello?" The voice tried again and this time she turned around, her tears slowly seeped down her cheeks and onto her hoodie leaving little dark drip marks. Maddie looked at the girls face and tried to place it, but to the teenagers dissapointment she didn't recognise her. But who was Emily kidding, they hadn't seen each other in over fifteen years, but it still hurt to know that her mother didn't see her. "Who are you?" Maddie asked with a smile of confusion.
"I-" She paused as her voice caught in her throat, "I'm Emilia." She closed her eyes as another tear rolled down. "Emilia Grace Buckley." She whispered and Maddie's eyes widened.
"I think I'm your daughter." She spoke softly as more tears fell and they formed an avalanche of salty water falling down the teenagers face.
"I'm your daughter from fifteen years ago."
She smiled slightly as Maddie sat down opposite her.
A/N: I'm sorry for the long wait, I was in hospital and then had my shoulder in a sling so it made it harder to write, I was struggling and then I was in Spain and finally I found the time to update.