CHAPTER EIGHT.
"me with you."
MARIANA'S day was accompanied by the sound of rain gently tapping on the glass of her windows. a soundtrack she had come to feel quite fond of during her time in rainy london. these days, she found that the rain matched her mood rather well. somber, bleak, gloomy.
three weeks had passed since the incident with tom. that's what she was calling it now. "the incident." it felt quite ridiculous to give the situation a name, but it hurt a hell of a lot less to call it something than to explain it.
the days immediately following 'the incident,' mariana found herself delving back into old comforting habits. she started putting puzzles together on her kitchen counter, started listening to her old playlists from university, started baking an unfathomable amount of sweets that she would often just send home with larry at the end of his shifts. if she could find a way to waste the day away, she would do it. anything to keep her mind off of what had happened.
despite their rocky beginning, marianna quickly found that she truly enjoyed tom's company. she really only had one or two friends that had stuck around after university, but they both lived hours away, each in a different direction. she had forgotten how much she enjoyed spending time with someone, even if they were a bit of a pain in the ass sometimes.
she was truly comfortable around tom, and she thought he had felt the same way. after the truth had been revealed, clearly he didn't. knowing that she had been lied to for what felt like ages, despite only being two weeks, was one of the most heartbreaking experiences mariana had faced.
she sat on a barstool at the kitchen island, carefully trying a puzzle piece everywhere it could possibly go. her phone rang. she glanced over to see if it had been someone important, but alas, it was just tom. he called. every day. and often left a voicemail. but mariana never picked up the phone. she never listened to the messages he'd leave. she didn't want to give in, and hearing his voice, that stupid voice, would make her call back in an instant.
something interesting occurred, though. the phone cut after three rings. it would always ring for seven, pause for a minute or so, then notify her of an incoming voicemail. if tom was anything, he was predictable. well, except for the whole lying about his whole life situation, obviously. she shook her head and went back to fighting with the puzzle on her countertop.
a few minutes later, mariana was interrupted from her puzzling by a knock at the door. she assumed it was larry, coming for his daily pick up of baked goods. it was awful early for him, though. she had nothing prepared and would have to tell him to come back later. she got up from her spot at the counter to open the door. what stood before her wasn't larry at all.
it was tom. tom in his stupid blue puffer jacket, dripping from the rain, making her welcome mat soaked. without a second thought, she started to close the door. he held it open, looking at her with those stupid pleading eyes. they stared at each other for a moment before he finally spoke. "please, mari. i just want to talk."
his stupid voice. her heart broke a little more just hearing him again. she hadn't heard him in three weeks. on days that she missed him, she had to fight her urges to watch his youtube videos just to hear her friend's voice again. how stupid was that? but because of that stupid voice, she stepped aside and let him in her flat.
she gently shut the door behind him, watching him analyze the new appearance of her living space. filled with puzzles and new baking supplies, the area looked like it had been inhabited by a child. he turned to look at her silently. just taking in her appearance. she took the time to look back. he was slouching more than normal, his hair had lost its usual shine, he had the slightest bit of darkness under his eyes. he looked so tired compared to her old tom. she noticed his teeth began to chatter.
"take off your coat," she mumbled. "it's soaked. you'll get ill." his eyebrows raised as mariana fiddled with the thermostat. he slid his coat off, rain droplets splattering onto her tile. he passed it back and forth between his hands, unsure of what to do with it.
"just put it on the barstool, a bit of water won't hurt it." she told him. his eyes followed her as she made her way around the flat, grabbing a blanket and setting up a place on her couch for him. she gestured to it as she sat in the chair across from it. he laid his coat on one of the stools and sat on the couch, wrapping himself in the blanket. it was the same one they had used when watching high school musical. all before it went downhill. they stared at each other for a moment, unsure of what to say. mariana finally spoke.
"well?"
"well what?" tom replied, his brows furrowing. he was unsure of what she wanted to talk about first. after all, there was a lot to unpack.
"tom, why are you here? why have you been calling me for the last three weeks? what do you so badly need to discuss that you had to walk here in the rain and show up at my door?" she stared at him, waiting for a response. he seemed taken aback by her forwardness. that was something that hadn't changed about her in the past three weeks.
he took a deep breath, gathering his thoughts. "i missed you. a lot. like a hell of a lot, mariana." he let out a short laugh, not believing that he was about to let everything out to this girl. "i know i shouldn't have lied to you. i'm so sorry about that. but i was so worried, mari. i was so so worried." he looked down at his hands, fiddling with his bracelet.
"worried about what, tom? what worried you so badly that you had to lie to me about your entire life story?" her voice cracked. his eyes shot up to meet hers, finding her huddled in her chair. she may have been shorter than him but he had never seen her look this small. her arms were wrapped around her knees, holding them to her chest. her chin rested atop of her knees, tilting down anytime her eyes threatened to let out a tear. it broke his heart, seeing her like this.
"i was so worried you would only see me as tommyinnit, not tom. not me. just some stupid persona i play online. someone to use to be popular. that's all people do anymore, mari. of course i've got my real friends in that youtube circle, but everyone else, it feels like they're using me for views. hell, they've told me they're using me for views." he scoffed. "and i know you're not a youtuber or a streamer, but that doesn't mean you'd couldn't use me.
"i thought that if you didn't know my online personality, then i could be totally me with you. but i felt like i had to lie about my past to keep you away from the truth. and trust me, i realize now how fucking stupid that was. it's kept me up every night for the past three weeks. i was just so happy to have someone see me for me. and not let me get away with bullshit because of how many followers i have. you called me out right away that night at the concert. no one has ever done that, mari. was it embarrassing? yes. but it felt so fucking good to be seen as a regular person for once. so good that i just- i wanted to keep it going.
"i could be me with you. i didn't have to worry about anything. it was all between us. not once did i worry about you secretly filming me or keeping track of all the times i've fucked up just so you could get a couple likes on twitter. that's how it is with everyone else. but never with you. and i loved that so much. you saw me for me."
"of course i did." mariana whispered. "how could i not?" she wiped at her eyes. she wasn't sure why this was affecting her so much, but she was in tears after his explanation. she unfurled from the ball she was in and stuck her arms out. he instantly rose from his seat and wrapped her in his arms. she hugged him back as he rested his chin on top of her head.
"god, i've missed you." he mumbled into her hair. this only made her hug him tighter.
"me too."