A fifteen year old Emily looked both ways before she walked out of her bedroom and shut the door silently, it was early morning and she was tiptoeing down the stairs. As she stood at the bottom of the stairs, her ears strained for any sound of movement from upstairs. Emily didn't want to get caught by the carers, she didn't need another argument, they never ended at her newest home.
In her socks she silently padded down the hallway to the office where all their files and important documents were kept. She had already swiped the key from Tanya, her social worker, she had gone to the toilet in their session the day before and she had took them out of her bag. As quietly as she could, she fiddled with each of the keys on the loop, checking each one and after two minutes the door finally opened.
Cautiously, Emily stepped inside the office, the home looked different in the early hours of the morning than it did in the afternoon, it was calm and peaceful, which it never was in the daytime. With twelve children in the age range of six to seventeen, it was always chaotic with arguments most days and fights atleast once a week. Nobody enjoyed being in the group home but it was better than being truly alone, fending for theirselves.
Before the group home 'Elm Tree House', Emily had lived with a foster family, Martin and Katherine Davis, who had been having issues conceiving so had decided to foster. But after seven years of being in their chaotic care they got pregnant and kicked her out so for the last two years she had watched people leave and come back, with occasional new additions to the family too. Her hands shook as she tried to open the locked cabinet under Michelle's desk.
There were four carers who lived in the home and then a few day carers and temps who took over occasionally for the main ones. Michelle was the lead carer and the kindest, everyone looked at her as a sort of mother figure and that was how she acted. If they had a bad day she was always there with a hot chocolate, biscuit, pep talk and a big hug. On the rare occasion that Emily wanted to talk about how she was feeling, Michelle would listen and give good advice.
Jonah was deputy lead, he often tried to be too much like the kids. This was fine for certain situations, but not in others, he tried to relate with them on everything when in reality he couldn't understand what they had gone through. Emily and Jonah had a banter relationship, he understood her ways of coping and left her to it until it became a threat to herself or others. Like the time she was throwing darts, which resulted in Zoe almost getting hit by several.
Kylie was a new carer, she had previous experience as a children and adolescent's mental health nurse. If Emily was having a bad day emotionally, Kylie was always there for a chat that didn't have to be about what she was feeling. Their most common topic was pineapple on pizza, Emily was against it and Kylie was all for it. This often led to Emily calling Kylie a monster. It was all jokes and Kylie knew, Emily told Kylie and Michelle the most, so they had a close friendship.
The last carer was Emily's enemy and all knew it. Often they were at each other's throats. Joleen Jane, and she really took after her middle name, whilst all the others were quiet young and good looking, Jane was a woman in her fifties who didn't act like she was in the twenty-first century at all. She was against the LGBTQ, had some questionable beliefs. Michelle tried to keep Loretta away from Emily as much as possible, but it couldn't always be helped, they hated each other.
Eventually the draw of the cabinet opened and Emily's eyes were met with the sight of a dozen blue folders with each of the placement's names on in big, bold black letters.
'Jessie Anderson' 'Ryan Andrews' 'Emilia Buckley' 'Alexandra Courtney' 'Lucas Courtney' 'Penelope Daniels' 'Mikaela Francis' 'Yasmin Harrow' 'Nadine Ivory' 'Zoe Karl' 'Isabella Lopez' 'Maddison Lopez'
Her hand shook hesitantly before it grasped her folder and took it out, instantaneously she opened her folder and her eyes scanned greedily for any information regarding her parents.
'Emilia Grace Buckley'
Date Of Birth: 23rd May 2002
Medical Conditions: Allergy to Peanuts and Sesame Seeds Severe Biphasic Reactions. Cardiomyopathy.
Neurological Conditions: ADHD and ASD.
Learning Disabilities: Dyslexia and Dyscalculia.
Doctor: Dr Mikaela Tyrone
Mental Health Conditions: PTSD, Depression and Anxiety.
Therapist: Dr Rose Turner
Residence: Austin, Texas Elm Tree House, 86 Rose Boulevard
Birth Mother: Madeline Rose Buckley
Mother's Residence: Los Angeles, California, Apartment 3D, 15 Clinton Drive
Mother's Occupation: 911 Dispatcher
Birth Father: Doug Kendall
N/A
Emilia's hands shook as she read the information and processed it, she took her phone out of her back pocket and opened up a note page. She typed in her mothers information, saved it as Family and closed the page down, then shoving her phone back into her pocket. As she placed the folder back, she found her passport and put it into her hoodie pocket, which was luckily big enough for it to fit.
Emily was interrupted when she was closing the draw by a sharp intake of air, she shut her eyes and turned around slowly. She was met by the sight of Michelle in her pajamas, messy hair and an unimpressed look that if they could kill it would have. "Emilia Grace Buckley. Is there a reason you're in my office at six in the morning on a saturday?" Michelle had asked in a quiet and calm tone.
That was one thing that everyone loved about Michelle, she never raised her voice at you, but you could tell when she was disappointed and this was one of those times. "I was looking for my, um, my notebook that Joleen confiscated. I know she normally gives it to you to lock away. Micah, I really need it." Emily tried to avoid getting caught out and they both knew it, but she wasn't necessarily lying, it had been taken and she did need it.
"Kid, using my nickname and acting all cute won't let you off the hook. I know you need your notebook, which is why I spoke to Loretta last night and she is to stop taking it off you. I found her reading it and she has been reprimanded for invading your personal space, but she did come across some concerning things. So quit the puppy dog eyes and tell me what you were really rooting for. I'll give you your notebook after." Michelle often tried to keep the peace.
This was a quality that Emily often admired about Michelle, she knew some parts of her past that nobody else did and she was always there to talk to. She didn't know about how her last foster family treated her, she blamed all her injuries on bullies at school. "I told you the truth." Emily lied, she wasn't going to admit it easily, they would just keep her under their watch forever and she would never be alone again, let alone to LA.
"Where did you get the keys from anyway?" Michelle asked raising her eyebrows and holding her hand out for them, Emily pulled them out from her pockets and placed them in the centre of Michelle's palm. Emily was debating on whether to just give up the lies and confess everything but she had to find her family, she wouldn't survive much longer in this hell-hole. They were very hands on at Elm-Tree House and Emily barely got away with the secrets she kept.
They didn't know the extent of her mental health struggles or that she was struggling with her eating and she wouldn't tell them, she was too embarrassed and ashamed. Emily felt broken and bruised, like she had been many times in her life and that made her feel weak and insecure. She seeked love and care from her mother, not that she had known who she was until the last half hour and she had to find her and ask why she wasn't good enough.
"Tanya." Emily mumbled quietly, Michelle barely heard her and she sighed waiting for an elaboration. "I took them from Tanya's bag yesterday after Bitchface stole my notebook and I was being told off for going batshit crazy like I am. Then I got told off further for swearing and being verbally abusive to myself." Emily confessed, not daring to look Michelle in the eyes so she kept staring at the floor.
Michelle sighed and ushered Emily out of the office, before she locked it and took them upstairs and into Emily's room. Emily's room was organized but in a messy sort of way, her bed was made but had blankets upon blankets thrown across it. Her diary belonged on her bedside table but it had been booknapped. Nobody was allowed in her room without her permission, only carers could come in without knocking and that was only with a good reason.
Two of her bedroom walls were dark purple and two were dark green, her carpet was dark black and she had a purple rug across the majority of the floor that was visible. Her small vanity desk was on the left side of the window and on the right was her desk for her schoolwork. Her guitar sat next to her desk and her posters hung all across the rules. Her room presented how she was feeling, broken and unstable, her posters were hanging on for life, like she was.
Her bedroom was heavily influenced by music, posters of her favourite bands up on the walls, song lyrics written on pieces of paper pinned onto a board on her desk. It was a very Emily room, she had minimal books in there, most of them full of her songs or old diaries that she kept from Tanya's advice. "Emily, I'm going to get Tanya to come and talk to you in here. I'll make sure the others stay away from you today, okay?" Michelle tried to be the good guy, but it didn't work.
"I don't want to." Emily refused, she was done. Sick and tired of everyone telling her what she can and can't write, what she can and can't wear, where she can't go, who she can't see. She hated not knowing her bio family and she hated being stuck in a home for people whose families didn't want them. She felt insecure and alone all the time, with minimal friends and a lot of bullies, she was isolated at school and at home she kept herself to herself, most of the time.
Her aesthetic was mainly grunge and alternative, when she was younger she used to be dark academia but then she just stopped reading and started hating it instead of loving it and turned to music as her comfort instead. "Emily, don't be like that, talk to me, what's going on in that melon of yours today?" Michelle attempted to get her to open up. After spending two years with Emily, she knew when she was having a good or bad day, and from the signs, it was a bad one.
Emily got on with most of the people in her home, some of the younger kids got on her nerves and so did some of the older kids. She rested in the middle, in a couple of years she would age out of the system so she wanted to find her family or get placed with a trusted family before that could happen. "Nothing. Go away. I want to be alone with my depression." Emily grunted beginning to feel awkward and uneasy, lying always made her feel that way, but she still did it.
Emily could tell that Michelle was hesitant and before she could stop herself, her dark side came out of its bedroom after waking up from its sleep. "Go. I'll be fine. Don't look so scared. I just want to be alone." She began and stopped what she was thinking from coming out of her mouth, for a few seconds and then it came out anyway. "It's not like I'm going to smash a glass and stab myself with the shards." As it left her mouth Michelle's eyebrows raised and her mouth fell open.
She was used to the ways of Emily but she never actually heard a lot of her dark jokes and humour, that was Jonah and Tanya's forte. Hers was comfort and hugs, which Emily enjoyed but unless she was in the right mood hated because physical contact made her uncomfortable due to her autism and past experiences. You had to ask for permission before you touched her and if you didn't it often caused a meltdown.
"Sorry, Micah." Emily whispered as Michelle got up to leave the room, she smiled, looked at Emily who nodded and gently hugged her for a few seconds and let go when Emily started to squirm which indicated she felt uncomfortable. "Can I have my notebook back now?" She asked quietly and Michelle nodded walking out of her room and returning a few moments later with her tattered notebook she used as a diary.
"You really need a new one." Michelle stated which earnt a gasp and stare from the teenager, she looked like Michelle had just killed someone. Emily hated change and she loved her old notebook, she had had it for four years but hadn't used it until she got to Elm Tree. Her friend from school had brought it for her birthday and she kept it safe so that Martin didn't get his hands on it and ruin or steal it, like he did everything she got.
"Never." Emily refused and Michelle left, after a few seconds of sitting in the silence, she put her diary back in its place before sitting on her bed and letting the tears fall. She didn't really know why she was crying but all she knew was that she was hurt, angry and upset and that was reason enough for now. After ten minutes, there was a timid knock at the door and Emily grunted sitting up and wiping the tears away. "Come in." She called out fiddling with the sleeves on her hoodie.
Emily looked up from her hands as she heard the door open and saw all of the kids she lived with in the home. Seventeen year old Penny held six year old Ryan on her hip, eight year old Jessie ran in and plonked his self on her lap and played with her hair. Initially she froze and squirmed but eventually she felt comfortable and rested her head on his and wrapped her arms around his stomach.
Sixteen year old Lucas came in holding hands with his younger sister, six year old Alexandra, fifteen year old Mikaela who was Emily's closest friend was giving nine year old Zoe a piggyback. The twelve year old twins Isabella and Maddison held hands and ran around her room before sitting on her rug and playing with each others hair. That left thirteen year old Yasmin and sixteen year old Nadine, who were both close with Emily and Mikaela.
Some of the kids got on Emily's nerves a lot of the time but she was getting better with the fact that she essentially had a few younger siblings and a few older siblings. "Are you sure you're okay with all of us in here, Millie?" Zoe asked from her place on Mikaela's back and Emily nodded smiling. This happened most weekend mornings, they would all come into Emily's room because it was the biggest and just muck about.
Voices could be heard from down the hall and they were instantly recognized as Jonah and Kylie's coming up the stairs. All the kids plonked theirselves down across the floor and some on the bed and started talking to each other. Jessie remained on Emily's lap, Ryan climbed up next to Emily and rested his head on her lap so she could play with his hair. Lucas and Alexandra sat on the rug on the floor next to each other whilst he plaited his sisters hair.
Penny sat on Emily's vanity chair facing the group, Nadine sat on her desk chair also facing them, Mikaela sat next to Emily on the bed with Jessie's feet on her lap. Zoe sat with Maddison and Isabella on the floor and Yasmin sat in front of Mikaela and asked her to plait her hair for her. "I've got to have another meeting with Terrible Tanya." There was a knock at the door and Jonah and Kylie walked in smiling at the scene infront of them.
"Kids breakfast is ready, Emily stay there for a minute honey, me and you are going to have a chat." Kylie spoke, her voice calm and chill. After the chaotic bunch followed Jonah down, Kylie brought the desk chair over near the bed, with Emily's permission knowing everything had a space. And she was allowed to move it as long as she put it back after. "Promise." She said and held out her pinkie finger, Emily hesitated but eventually linked her pinkie.
"Bye Juvenile Jonah." She called out, she had nicknames for each of the carers and her social worker and they were all alliterate, meaning they started with the first letter of their name. Michelle was Magical Michelle because most of the time she made her problems disappear for a short amount of time and Emily forgot about them, so she called her magical. Joleen was Jurassic JJ because she was old and Kylie was Kindhearted Kylie because she was always there.
At Emily's comment Kylie let out a soft laugh rolling her eyes fondly at the teenage girl she looked after and thought of like a daughter. "Juvenile?" She asked after she had calmed down, Joleen was the oldest at fifty-seven, Michelle was thirty-four, Jonah was twenty-eight and Kylie twenty-five. "I'm younger than him by a few years!" She responded and it was true, but she didn't act like a kid.
"Yeah but he acts like a kid all the time. He's immature. I'm more adult than he is Kylie." Emily stated swaying from side to side which was a habit she had when she was feeling stressed or nervous and Kylie picked up on it. "I'm in trouble aren't I?" She asked in a small voice, Emily didn't care about getting in trouble, but she cared about the loud noises that came with it, mainly from Joleen and sometimes Tanya, telling her she was better than that and all.
Kylie fondly shook her head at the fifteen-year-old who she had formed a close bond with. Kylie had worked at Elm Tree for four years and she had never had a close bond with the kids in her care like she did with Emily. "You're not in trouble, as such Emily. But Michelle is disappointed in you for lying. Can you tell me why you were in the office this morning?" Kylie asked in a calm voice, she knew that if she had anger or disappointment in her voice, Emily would keep quiet.
Emily was debating her options, tell the truth and get grounded and most likely a lecture from the beast that was Joleen. Or continue with her lies and feel bad and guilty later. Emily knew that what she had done was wrong but she felt she had a right to know, in all her life she had grown up not knowing anything about her family and she hated it. She wanted to know why she wasn't good enough and why they gave her up, so she would do anything to get the information.
"I wanted to find my family." Emily muttered, balling her hands into fists and gripping onto the fabric of her sleeves tightly. Something she did when she was feeling overwhelmed and stressed out and this didn't go unnoticed by Kylie. Too many times had Kylie seen Emily do this and cause herself injury like scratches and cuts on her palms. "I just want to meet them." She whispered, tears threatening to spill. "I want to know why." A tear fell. "Is that such a crime?"
Hearing how hurt Emily actually felt from being in care and how she felt unwanted hurt Kylie's hurt. Of course the carers knew that the kids struggled with forming bonds and friendships because they were terrified they would leave too. But she never knew it had gotten to this extent with Emily that she would steal and lie about it, that wasn't like her normally. "No it's not a crime. It's normal to want to know why but that wasn't the way to go about it, Em." Kylie smiled.
"But it was. I've asked Michelle and Tanya so many times to tell me who my mother is. To ask her to meet me and they always say no. They always lie to me and it hurts. I want to know where I belong! It certainly isn't here! I hate it here! I hate you. I hate Michelle. I hate Jonah. I hate Joleen. I hate Tanya. I hate you all!" Emily broke down, with each person she hated that she named, she delivered a punch to the wall.
Kylie eventually having to forcefully pull her away from the walls and sit her on the floor, wrapping her arms tight around the broken teen. Kylie knew that Emily hated being held and it made her uncomfortable and they always tried to accomodate that. But at times like these she had to physically restrain her to stop her from harming herself. Kylie hated having to, but she had to keep Emily safe and that was the only way she could.
Michelle and Jonah walked in having heard the commotion and were met with a sight that hurt their hearts. Emily sobbing and muttering, clutching her knees to her chest, trying to rock herself back and forth and Kylie struggling to restrain her. "What on earth?" Jonah stated, staring at the room that was normally tidy and now had blankets and pillows thrown on the floor, a dent in the wall and paint fragments on the floor.
"She told me why. She was looking in her file. Then she told me she hated us all and she didn't belong here then started punching the wall so I had to pull her away and physically hold her still." Kylie panted, exhausted from the events that had happened in the last ten minutes or so. Emily, despite hating violence, when she was having a meltdown or episode she lost control and forgot everything and just acted on how she felt, if that hurt herself or others, she didn't care.
All that she cared about was getting her anger, hurt and sadness out. Emily didn't care how and she didn't care what she did in that moment, she just wanted to feel something that didn't make her hate everything. All she wanted was to be happy. The only way she felt she could be that was to meet her mother. To get some closure on why they gave her away. Emily wanted a true mother figure in her life, like any fifteen year old girl needed, but she didn't have a proper one.
After ten minutes, Emily had stopped being violent and had calmed down slightly after Kylie's deescalation technique worked. Now she was alone in her room, wrapped in a blanket on the floor, rocking back and forth crying. "I hate it." She muttered over and over again, she hated that she felt so insecure and lonely. Deep down Emily knew that she didn't hate them all, well maybe she did Joleen, but she had to get her anger and pain out so she lashed out.
There was a knock at the door but Emily didn't acknowledge it. They knocked again and after she didn't answer they just walked in. Emily lifted her head up and was met with the angry face of Joleen and disappointed face of her Social Worker Tanya. "Done throwing a tantrum are you?" Joleen spat before she turned on her heel and walked out, shutting the door and going back downstairs.
"Hi Emily. I heard you were having a bad day today. Do you want to talk to me about that? Can I sit down?" Tanya asked in her calmest voice, knowing that when Emily was in this state she was already feeling guilty enough and she didn't want to add to that. Tanya wanted Emily to calm down and open up. Emily nodded her head so Tanya sat down next to her on the floor, they stayed like that for ten minutes until the silence was broken.