I lay in my bed, staring up at the ceiling, unable to sleep. My mind keeps running on an unstoppable loop. It would go back and forth between Matrix, Dice, the crash, Akio. Matrix, Dice, the crash, Akio. Back and forth. Back and forth. Back and forth. I sigh and sit up, rubbing my eyes. I glance over at the clock. 3AM. I shake my head as I stand and turn on the light. I run my fingers through my survival vest, organizing and going over what's in there. My head whips towards the door as it creaks open. Daiyu smiles and waves at me. She has two video game joysticks in one hand and two empty soda cans in the other. I glance over at the clock again and then back at her.
"Aren't you supposed to be asleep?" I say, "You know your mom is gonna flip if she finds you in here."
She giggles and holds out the cans and joysticks.
"Play pilot?" she asks. My eyes furrow. She sets the cans and joysticks on the floor. She sits down in front of the joystick and looks up at me with that happy gaze. I finally see what she means. The joystick and the soda cans are placed perfectly, representing the flight stick and throttle. Girl knows her stuff. "Play pilot?" she asks again.
Why not? I can't sleep anyway, and I'm way past caring if Mei-Xing screams at me. I've kinda gotten used to it by now. I smile and sit down next to her. She gasps, her brows shooting towards the ceiling as if she forgot something. She jumps up and runs over to my nightstand. She grabs my helmet, puts it on, and then sits down next to me. I chuckle. I still don't understand her fascination with my helmet.
"Alright," I start, "so first we're gonna do our walk around check."
I glance around the room, pointing at random things and pretending to inspect my jet. Daiyu does the same, watching intently and doing the exact same moves as me. I face her and salute.
"You're ready to go, Ma'am."
She smiles, lifts her chin, and puffs out her chest as she salutes back.
"Good," she says. We both pretend to climb up into the jet. She raises her hands in the sky and makes a whooshing sound with her mouth as she slowly drops them. I think she's pretending to close the canopy. I do the same, and she smiles at me.
"Alright, so now you gotta turn on your right engine."
I pretend to flick a switch. She does the same. I look down and, grab the empty soda can and push it up slightly. "Put your jet in the idle position."
She pushes the empty can up slightly and looks up at me with those bright eyes. I pretend to flick another switch. "Turn on the left engine."
She does the same. I grab the joystick and move it back and forth, up and down. "Gotta check the flaps."
She giggles as she moves the joystick around. I push the can forward. "Afterburner on?"
She grabs her can and moves it up.
"On!" she says. I smile at her and salute. She salutes back.
"Now, we gotta do the hangten sign."
I put up the sign and wiggle my hand back and forth. Her eyes narrow as she stares at my hand. She closes her fists and slowly sticks out her pinky and thumb. She laughs as she holds it up to me. I smile and nod.
"Alright. You ready, squirt?"
She gives me a thumbs up.
"Ready!"
I throw my head back, pretending to hold on for dear life as my jet flies forward. Daiyu laughs and does the same, moving the joystick back and forth. She points towards the ceiling and screams something out. I look up and gasp.
"Dive!" I say. We both push the joystick down and pretend to tumble towards the ground.
"Get 'em off me, Squirt!"
Daiyu pulls her eyes towards the ceiling and jerks the joystick up. She makes shooting sounds with her mouth. She makes an explosion sound.
"Splash one! Good job, Squirt!"
She laughs and turns her joystick towards me. Her eyes narrow, and a mischievous smirk crawls across her face.
"You next!"
I gasp and turn the joystick to the right. I move it back and forth as she makes shooting noises.
"No! No! I thought we were friends!"
She laughs and makes an explosion sound. I throw my hands in the air.
"Ah! I'm going down!"
My heart sinks. Knots form in my chest as I hear the radar warning. As I hear Betty screaming at me. I can feel the heat from the engines. I squeeze my eyes shut and shake my head. Daiyu jumps on my back and laughs.
"Got you!"
I take in a sharp breath and force myself to laugh. It comes out as weak and breathy, though. I clear my throat as I grab her arms and gently shake her off.
I stand and sit on the bed.
"Okay, I'm gonna go back to sleep."
She grabs my hand and tries to pull me back to the floor. I shake my head. "No. Sorry. I'm tired. Sleep now."
Her arms go limp by her side, and she juts out her lower lip. She sighs in disappointment. Her eyes flick towards the nightstand, and the once sad look on her face is replaced with curiosity. She reaches out and grabs Akio's necklace. She pops open the locket and cocks her head to the side. I guess she was expecting my photo to be in there. She lifts the necklace to me.
"Who?"
I hesitate. How could I even possibly begin to explain?
"My friend," I finally say. I grab the necklace and curl my fingers around the cool metal. Her eyes dart back and forth between me and the necklace. She runs out of my room and comes back a few seconds later with something balled up in her fist. She pushes it into my chest. I open my palm, and she places it in my hand. I smile as I stare down at it. It's a heart-shaped necklace. Except this one isn't a locket. The heart is much more thin, and it has Chinese letters on it. She points to the letters.
"Me."
"Is that your name?"
She nods.
"It's beautiful."
I hand it back to her, but she shakes her head.
"You keep."
My eyes narrow as I shake my head.
"No. This is yours. I can't—."
"Want you to remember when you leave. Remember me."
I sigh as I glance down at the necklace again. I place Akio's necklace back on the nightstand and put hers around my neck. I personally don't think the girly heart-shaped necklace suits me, but she smiles and jumps up and down with excitement. I inwardly cringe at what Dice would say if he saw me with this necklace on. I laugh. She stops jumping, and her face suddenly becomes serious.
"How I be pilot?"
"Well," I start, "you gotta be smart."
I poke her forehead, and she giggles. "You gotta be tough."
I poke her bicep. "And you gotta be brave."
I point to my heart. She points to hers and smiles. "I don't think you'll have any problem becoming a pilot."
She laughs and wraps her arms around me. She takes off my helmet and places it neatly on the nightstand. She turns and walks towards the door, glancing back at me before leaving.
"Night night, Miles."
The door burst open. I gasp, yanking my eyes open and jolting to a sitting position. I prepare to fight, to run, to die. My heart sinks as I see Matrix standing in the doorway, his hair scorched off. His face completely burned. His flight suit was chard black. Behind him stands Blaze in the same condition, his fire-red hair replaced with pink bubbly skin. Matrix slowly tilts his head, his eyes bloodshot and dripping red tears.
"You had another life in the backseat!"
I squeeze my eyes shut, rubbing them and then opening them again. I sigh in relief as reality sets in. It's just Cheung standing in the doorway. My brows furrow, and I cock my head to the side as he stands there a...is that a...yeah. That's a bow an arrow in his hands. He flicks on the light. I squint in result of the light, trying to adjust to the sudden brightness that fills the room. He sets the bow an arrow down and walks over to the closet, pulling out a thick winter coat and a scarf. He tosses them on the bed.
"Up!" he grumbles. He takes out winter boots and places them at the foot of my bed. He pushes my good leg. "Up, Miles. Up!"
Reluctantly, I do what he says and slowly sit up, rubbing my eyes in an attempt to wake up fully. I stand, feeling a slight twinge of pain in my leg. It always hurts a little more in the morning, and the cold certainly doesn't help. I grimace as I flex my leg, hoping the pain would subside soon. I finally push myself up and throw on the boots, jacket, and scarf. Cheung scoops up the bow an arrow and makes his way down the hallway. I follow him, trailing behind as we make our way down the dimly lit hallway. He opens the door, the frigid early morning air blasting into me. I shiver, huddling deeper into my jacket to ward off the chill. Cheung steps into the snow, surveying the vast meadow and the tree line of the dense forest in front of us. I take a deep breath, my breath forming a white cloud in front of me.
"What are we doing, Man?"
Cheung looks back at me and lets out a gruff laugh. He starts towards the tree line. I groan quietly and follow. The snow crunches beneath our boots as we walk towards the towering trees, their branches heavy with snow. The silence of the forest envelops us, broken only by the occasional creaking of branches laden with snow. We walk deeper and deeper until Cheung's tiny house is gone. Why on earth is he dragging me out here? Most importantly, why does the old man have a bow an arrow? I don't ask him, though, or even verbally complain. It would get me nowhere. Besides, he saved my life. I'll do whatever he needs me to do in order to repay the favor. My leg starts to ache more and more as I limp along. Cheung is a pretty slow walker because of his old age, but he's starting to get further and further ahead of me as my leg slows me down. I can feel the frustration growing inside me as Cheung continues to trudge forward, oblivious to my struggles. I try to keep up with him, determined not to fall behind, but my leg weighs me down like a heavy anchor. I open my mouth to finally complain, but before I can get a word out, he turns to me and presses his index finger against his lips. My heart sinks as I freeze. He motions me forward. I hesitate.
Should I? What if there are soldiers up there? No. Cheung wouldn't do that. Unless Mei-Xing somehow got into his head. He motions me over, a smile on his face. I take a deep breath and slowly limp over to him, coming to the conclusion that Cheung would never sell me out like that. With each step, I can't help but feel a mix of apprehension and trust intertwining within me. As I finally reach Cheung's side, I glance up at the dark meadow ahead. There's no army waiting. Just a little deer sticking its muzzle into a stream that cuts through the meadow. Its graceful movements and innocent curiosity put me at ease, melting away any remnants of fear. Cheung slowly pushes the bow into my chest. My eyes narrow as I glance between him and the bow. I shake my head.
"I don't know how," I whisper. He continues to push the bow at me, not taking no for an answer. I groan as I take the bow. The last time I shot one of these, I was in summer camp...twelve years ago, and it was one of those little kid ones. The bow feels so unnatural in my hands. I hesitantly hold the bow, feeling its unfamiliar weight and the cool touch of the smooth wood against my palms. Cheung hands me an arrow. I sigh as I take it.
"You know I'm gonna miss, right?" I whisper. Cheung replies only with a smile and a nod towards the deer.
I take a deep breath and lock my eyes on the target in front of me. I place the bow in the string thingy and pull back. Cheung quickly adjusts my posture and lifts my elbow up. He motions for me to take deep breaths. I do. In and out. In and out. He then points at the deer. With a mixture of nervousness and determination, I steady my aim.
Just think of it like you're in a jet. The bow is my missile, my finger the trigger. Following Cheung's guidance, I release my grip on the arrow. It zips through the air, striking the deer right in the heart. My mouth gapes open. I laugh and pump my fist. "Splash one! That's one in a million right there!"
Cheung just laughs and starts towards the deer. I follow behind him, still caught up in the exhilaration of my perfect shot. I look down at the dead deer as I pull the arrow out of it. The excitement dulls a little as I stare down at it. I almost feel guilty. Not because I killed it but because...I don't feel bad about killing it. Cheung places his hand on my shoulder.
"You feed my family."
He pats my shoulder and laughs. "Good!"
He turns and starts walking back towards the tree line. I guess I'll be carrying this thing back home.
The next month was the longest month of my life, but honestly, it was relaxing. Cheung and I would take walks and then sit on the porch every morning and just sit out there. It feels nice, soaking in the sun even if it's freezing cold. Obviously, Cheung lives in the middle of nowhere, so the chances of anyone seeing me are low, but we're still cautious. We go inside at the slightest rumble, just in case it's a helicopter. My leg has gotten a lot better. It's nowhere near a hundred percent, but I'm able to limp around better and change my own dressing now. Cheung says to give it another month before he takes me to Mongolia. I haven't spoken to Mei-Xing since she went off on me. I've barely seen her. We keep our distance as much as possible, which is fine by me.
Cheung and I sit out on the front porch. I stare out into the grey, featureless sky. Snow blankets the vast meadow. I don't understand how Cheung can live out in the middle of nowhere like this. I mean, I get wanting peace and quiet, but this just seems like too much peace and quiet. That's just me, though. I grew up in Philadelphia, so I kinda prefer the city. I can't imagine ever living out in the country.
I glance at Cheung as he reaches over and taps my arm. He holds up his finger to me as he types on Google Translate.
"Sorry about Mei-Xing."
I smile and wave him off.
"It's fine. I mean, in her defense, it can't be easy taking care of the enemy. Although the 'I wish you were dead' comment was a bit much."
Cheung had managed to put the English alphabet on his phone so I could type back. I type in what I had just said. He laughs and nods.
"Bit much," he says with a laugh. I smile and nod. It's quiet for a while, but I can feel his eyes digging into the side of my head. I peek over at him. His lips turn downwards into a frown.
"Am sorry about friends," he says. I clench my jaw. My eyes drift downwards. I was hoping he couldn't hear my screams when the nightmares woke me up, that he wasn't able to hear me calling out their names, but I'm starting to think Cheung understands more English than he's leading me to believe. From the way he's talking, it sounds like he understood a mighty lot of Mei-Xing and I's argument. He places his hand on my shoulder. I stare into his dark eyes.
"We only haunted by thing we refuse to accept."
My heart aches as what he said sinks in.
"I accept that I'm the reason he's gone. That is what's killing me. It's my fault."
He shakes his head.
"No."
He pokes his finger into my chest, right where my heart beats. "Accept it happened. You forgive you."
I can't even forgive my mom for the things she did. And those things seem so small now compared to everything else. Forgiving isn't really something I'm good at. I'm very, very good at holding onto grudges and hate, and fear, and every other vile and wicked thing between. I open my mouth. A lump forms in my throat as I struggle to get the words out. Those stupid tears start to swell in my eyes again.
"I don't know how."
I take in a shaky breath. Normally, I would just change the conversation or just not answer. But there's so much that I've been wanting to get off my chest, and I don't know why, but it's easier to talk to Cheung than anyone else. Maybe it's because I barely understand him, and he barely understands me, so it's not like he can tell anyone. Or maybe it's because he's the only one who doesn't treat me like a kid. But deep down, I think it's because he reminds me of Matrix in terms of just how much he cares about me. I use to tell Matrix everything, and now I can't. No matter how I look at it, I just end up more pissed at myself. I swallow hard and try not to look at him, but I can see him staring out the corner of my eye.
He leans forward, and I have no choice but to look at him.
"Speak about it make you feel good."
Speaking about my biggest failure isn't exactly something I want to do, and it definitely isn't something that's going to make me feel good. But honestly, saying no to Cheung just makes me feel guilty and ungrateful.
The man helped me when he's supposed to hate me. He saved my life, fed me, took a hunk of metal out my leg, and even spent the last of his money on medical supplies, all for me. The least I can do is talk to him. Even if he doesn't understand me. I actually think it's better that way.
I start to type. He grabs the phone and shakes his head. Seriously? You're really gonna make me say this stuff out loud?
I take in a deep breath and pull my eyes towards the snow. I don't even know where to start. I end up just staring at the ground for a couple of minutes. But Cheung never says anything. He just waits patiently.
"It just...it just seems like everything I do is either wrong or not good enough. Ever since I was a kid, it's been that way. With this, getting shot out of the sky, I replay it over and over in my head. I can literally feel the jet shaking. I can smell the fuel burning. I hear Matrix screaming. I think back on it, knowing that there were a thousand ways I could've gotten us out. And I didn't. What kind of pilot am I?"
Cheung shrugs.
"Human."
I scoff and shake my head as I look over at him.
"You speak English, don't you? And you've just been messing with me this whole time?"
He laughs.
"Understand better than speak."
He places his hand on my shoulder. "You good man, Miles. You complain lot and have forgive issues...but still good."
Both of our heads snap towards the woods as a faint sound emerges. I can't tell what it is at first. It sounds like low rumbling. It could be thunder. During the winter, though? It gets louder and louder until it becomes crystal clear. My heart sinks as the sound of vehicles echoes through the meadow. The door flies open. Mei-Xing stands in the doorway, her eyes wide.
"Get inside now!" she yells. I jump up and limp inside as fast as I can. She pushes me into a small closet filled with puffy coats.
Before she closes the door, she glares at me, her eyes narrowing by the second. The blood drains from my face. She doesn't have to say anything. I can see what she's thinking. I can feel it deep in my bones. I shake my head.
"Don't. They'll know you helped me when they see the bandages."
She snorts.
"I'm a good liar."
The blood drains from my face as she slams the closet doors shut. My chest tightens. The lump in my throat hardens as the darkness consumes me. I peek through the slit in the door, watching as four Chinese soldiers come in. They talk with Cheung and Mei-Xing for a while. My heart pounds against my rib cage as I watch her like a hawk. If she even remotely looks my way, I'm gonna bolt. My eyes flick to the side as Daiyu shouts for her mom. Her voice came from my room. My heart sinks as she walks into the hallway with my helmet on her head.