The Doctor and Jessie arrive just in time for their funeral, and meet not only Sarah Jane Smith, but Jo Grant as well. The kids also learn just how different the Time Lords can be . . . especially in the way they talk to each other. ;)
Enjoy "Death of the Doctor and the Bad Wolf!"
***
"There you are!" Sarah Jane Smith shouted as she caught up to Clyde and Rani.
She and Jo Jones, former companion of the Doctor, hadn't been having the best day. She'd gotten a report from UNIT on her doorstep that the Doctor and the Bad Wolf were dead, but she hadn't believed them for a second. The Bad Wolf was practically invincible, even more so with the Doctor at her side. But she'd come anyway, with Rani and Clyde, to meet the Shansheeth, and had met Jo and her grandson, Santiago. Both had come to the same conclusion: they were both still alive.
And it was even weirder, considering even Jenny, the Time Lords' own daughter, hadn't been invited by UNIT to come to the burial. SHIELD should have had first rights to their bodies, since the Bad Wolf was a former agent. None of the Avengers nor any of the SHIELD team were there either. There was no other explanation.
"Sarah Jane, it's the Shansheeth," Clyde panted. "They're lying through their beaks! They want you and Jo. This whole thing's a trap."
"I knew it!" Sarah Jane grinned.
"Hold on," Jo held up a hand. "If they're lying, that means . . . the Doctor and the Bad Wolf are still alive!"
"Yes!" Sarah Jane cheered.
"Of course we're still alive, Jo," Clyde's mouth moved, but someone else's voice spoke from it. "I thought that was obvious. Catch up!"
Jo blinked. "I beg your pardon?"
Sarah Jane frowned. "Clyde, is that you?"
"'Course it's not!" the person using Clyde's body scoffed. "It's me! I'm using Clyde as a receiver. I keyed into his residual artron energy so I can organize a very complicated biological swap across ten thousand light years. Hold on."
Clyde cried out, his body flaring with energy, and he panted. "That was't me!" he gasped. "That wasn't me speaking! I'm getting - " He paused, holding up his hand, looking at the back of it . . . the skin turning white. "That's not my hand, because my hand's not white!"
Clyde screamed, and suddenly, it was a battle of the bodies. Clyde was one of them. The other was a young man with dark, floppy hair, green eyes, and wearing a tweed jacket, braces, and a bow tie. "Sorry, Clyde!" the second man called as their bodies switched. "But this . . . space . . . is . . . taken!" Finally, the second man won out, and he stumbled back. "Good! So . . . " He got his balance, then rubbed his hands together. "Gosh, that was different. Hello, everyone!" he waved.
"Who are you?" Rani glared. "Where's Clyde?"
"Come on, Rani, use your brain!" the man huffed. "Clyde and I swapped places! I'm where he was, he's where I was, which means, right now, unless my sweetheart of a goddess isn't there anymore . . . ooo." He made a face. "He's in a lot of trouble."
"You bring him back, whoever you are!" Rani yelled, about to jump him.
"No, no, no," Sarah Jane shook her head furiously. "Rani, don't you see?" She walked up to the man, seeing him look at her fondly. "It's you, isn't it?" she asked breathlessly. "You've done it again."
"We did it again," he corrected, but smiled. "Hello, Sarah Jane."
Sarah Jane laughed in relief. "Doctor!"
"That's the Doctor?" Rani gaped. How had he turned into a little kid?!
"What Doctor?" Jo blinked. "The Doctor? My Doctor?"
"Yeah, well, he can change his face," Sarah Jane pointed out.
"I know, but into a baby's?"
"Oi!" the Doctor complained. "Jez loves my face, thank you very much, and imagine it from my point of view! Last time I saw you, Jo Grant, you were . . . what, 21? 22? It's like someone baked you!"
"Everyone!" Santiago called as three vulture-like aliens stalked through the door. "Meanwhile!"
The Doctor pushed through the humans to approach. "Ah, yes, the Claw Shansheeth of the 15th Funeral Fleet," he glared. "I've been looking for you. Have you been telling people my wife and I are dead?"
"Wait a minute, the Bad Wolf is his wife?!" Jo gawked.
"Complicated," Sarah Jane said.
"I apologize," the Shansheeth in the lead said. "The death notice was released a little too soon. Though I can rectify this immediately." The Doctor screamed when red energy shot out of the Shansheeth's claw, holding him in place. "I'm so sorry for your loss, Doctor. May you and your blood bonded rest in peace."
The Doctor suddenly vanished, and Clyde was in his place. The Shansheeth lowered its claw, stunned -
When a much stronger wave of red and black energy flung the Shansheeth to the side, revealing a very livid woman with dark hair, her bangs braided back, wearing a mauve frock coat over what looked like a pirate costume. "No one tries to kill my husband!" she shouted.
Clyde blinked. "But I was on a planet - "
"Move it, Clyde!" the brunette snapped, grabbing his arm and running. "Allons-y, Sarah Jane!"
"Bad Wolf?" the older brunette sputtered as they took off.
"Who did you think?! Faster!"
Clyde was suddenly gone again, and it was the Doctor again. "There you are!" he smiled cheekily at the Bad Wolf before pushing Sarah Jane forward. "Come along, Smith!"
"I like Ponds better!"
"Well, they're not here! In, in, in!" They burst into the dormitory, and the Doctor closed the door. "Sorry. I was slamming it."
"You idiot!" the Bad Wolf shouted, hitting him in the chest. "Don't go running off like that again!"
"I'd do it again anyway!" he protested. The Bad Wolf glared at him before mumbling incoherently. The Doctor just grinned and wrapped an arm around her. "Right, now we need to lock it. Come on, use the sonic lipstick."
"Haven't you got your screwdrivers?" Sarah Jane asked, moving to the door.
"They took them," the Doctor answered.
"And my blaster," the Bad Wolf pouted.
"They do sonic lipsticks now?" Jo asked, confused.
"We're running out of time," the Doctor said. "We need you, Sarah, and you, Jo."
"Need us for what?" Jo asked.
He just smiled. "Remember the old days when we'd go zooming off to faraway worlds?"
The Bad Wolf took Sarah Jane's hand, the Doctor took Jo's, and all four of them vanished.
Clyde stumbled back, looking a bit green. "I'm getting spacesick," he mumbled.
***
"No, no, no, no!" the Doctor shouted, running to the contraption he'd used to get back, Jessie brushing off her hands. "Let's get you working properly. Stop!"
"You're an idiot," Jessie shook her head.
"Where are we?" Sarah Jane asked, looking around.
"The Wasteland of the Crimson Heart," Jessie answered, pointing. "I'm pretty sure Planet Earth is that way. I wouldn't want to walk."
"Sonic, please!" the Doctor called.
Sarah Jane handed it over. "It's so many years since I was on another planet," Jo said.
"Me, too," Sarah Jane smiled.
***
"There," the Doctor pointed, and Sarah Jane aimed the sonic screwdriver. "And there."
"Did it hurt?" Sarah Jane asked quietly. "I mean, the regeneration. Those last bodies of yours, were they OK in the end?"
"It always hurts," the Doctor said shortly, looking up to see Jessie bristle. It always hurt, bringing up their last bodies. They'd been through hell and back, and the reason why the Doctor had chosen to step into the radiation chamber was for their knowledge alone. "And there."
Sarah Jane knew a sore topic when she heard one, so she took a different route. "So how did you end up in this place?"
"The Doctor wanted to keep score," Jessie deadpanned.
"And the Shansheeth lured us," the Doctor sighed. "A mighty old battlefield, just waiting begging to be explored. Because I'm traveling with Amy now - "
"And Rory!"
"Yes, and Rory. They got married. We dropped them off at a honeymoon planet, which isn't what you'd think. It's not a planet for a honeymoon. It's a planet on a honeymoon."
"I don't think a planet and an asteroid is going to work out," Jessie thought absently.
The Doctor sniggered. "And they nicked the TARDIS. The Shansheeth, not Amy and Rory. Fortunately, we had all this wreckage to build a space swapping doo dah thingummy whatsit."
Jessie burst out laughing as the Doctor cleared his throat, his face a bit red. "That's hilarious!"
"Well, what would you name it?" the Doctor protested as Jessie kept laughing. "It hasn't exactly been invented before!"
"So, you've got a married couple in the TARDIS?" Jo asked.
"Two," the Doctor said, pointing at Jessie. "We're married, too. But yes, we have a married couple in the TARDIS. Mr. and Mrs. Pond."
"Williams," Jessie sighed.
Jo looked down. "I only left you because I got married. Did you think I was stupid."
The Doctor gawked at her. "Why do you say that?"
"I was a bit dumb. Still am, I suppose."
The Doctor stared at her incredulously. "Now what in the world would make you think that, ever, ever, ever?"
"We've been traveling down the Amazon for months, and we reached a village in Cristalino, and it was the only place in thousands of miles that had a telephone, so I called you. I Just wanted to say hello, and they told me that you'd left UNIT, never came back. So I waited and waited because you said you'd see me again. You did. I asked you, and you said yes. You promised. So I thought one day, I'd hear that sound. Deep in the jungle, I'd hear that funny wheezing noise, and a big blue box right in the middle of the rainforest. You see, he wouldn't just leave. Not forever. Not me. I've waited my whole silly life."
"You're an idiot," Jessie said.
Instead of getting angry, Jo just sighed. "Well, there we have it. Even your wife thinks so - "
"You're missing it, Jo," Jessie shook her head. "How could he have found you? Spending the last forty years of your life living in huts, climbing up trees, tearing down barricades. Hell, you've down everything from flying kites on Kilimanjaro to sailing down the Yangtze in a tea chest. How could the TARDIS pin you down?"
Jo blinked at her. "Hold on . . . I did sail down the Yangtze in a tea chest! How did you know?!"
"And that family," the Doctor smiled. "All seven kids, twelve grandchildren, thirteenth on his way. He's dyslexic, but that'll be fine. Great swimmer - OW!"
Sarah Jane laughed as Jessie headslapped him, nearly pitching him into his device. But Jo looked back and forth between them in shock. "So you've been watching me all this time?"
"No," the Doctor shook his head. "Because you're right. I don't look back. I can't. But the last time we were dying, I took Jez to see every one of you. I looked back on all of you, every single one."
"And he was so proud of you all," Jessie smiled warmly.
Jo stared at the Doctor. "It really is you, isn't it?"
"Hello!" he grinned.
Sarah Jane cleared her throat. "Sorry, but we've got that lot back at home with the Sansheeth."
"Yes, yes!" the Doctor nodded, going back to his device. "And I still need you, Jo. Now, that bag of yours, I can smell blackcurrant. Is that buchu oil?"
"Handpicked in Mozambique," Jo bragged, taking it out.
"Oh, perfect!" the Doctor beamed as Jessie mouthed "buchu oil?" to Sarah Jane; the older brunette just shrugged. She didn't have a clue, either. "These circuits need connectivity. Wonderful! L ittle tiddly drop . . . that's it! What a team! There, that should work." He leaned back, brushing his hands off. "Intergalactic molecular streaming with just a hint of blackcurrant."
"But what'll happen to Clyde?" Sarah Jane asked.
"No, no, no, I've fixed it. All I needed was you two. Oil and sonic. Now we can go back, and Clyde can stay where he is. Hold tight."
***
The first thing Jessie heard when they popped back was Clyde yelling. "Get us out of here! Doctor! Bad Wolf!"
"Then again, maybe leaving Clyde in the same place wasn't such a good idea," the Doctor admitted.
Jessie looked at a ventilation shaft, then snap kicked it hard enough to swing it open. "Whoa!" Jo gasped, stunned.
"Ventilation shafts!" the Doctor grinned. "That takes me back . . . or even forwards."
"Hurry up!" Clyde shouted. "We're getting boiled alive!"
"Hold on!" the Doctor shouted as Jessie crawled in, him following. "We're coming!"
They weren't far in when Sarah Jane screamed. "Doctor!"
"Jo?" the Doctor asked, looking behind him, seeing neither woman behind him. "Sarah?"
"They're roasting us!" Clyde shouted.
"Let us out!" Rani cried.
"Sarah!" the Doctor called.
Jessie looked back to look at him. "We could never stand a child crying," she reminded him.
"Argh," the Doctor groaned, but nodded, and they shuffled onwards.
Jessie found the next shaft, then scooted over so she and the Doctor could work together. "And . . . release!" the Doctor called, and they pushed, the shaft falling.
Clyde gawked at them. "Blimey! You really changed faces, haven't you? I couldn't see either of you before. I was too busy swapping."
"His fault," Jessie jerked her head at the Doctor.
"Oi!" he complained.
"Oi!" Rani pitched in. "We're still cooking back here!"
"Where's my gran?" Santiago asked.
"Right, yes, sorry," the Doctor nodded. "She's in danger, so, we'd better, er - " He looked back. "Can't turn round."
"You'll have to shuffle backwards," Clyde said.
"Atta boy," Jessie grinned, backing up.
"Yes, OK," the Doctor nodded, scooting after her, trusting her to figure out the route. "Thank you, Clyde."
"Even your eyes are different," Clyde said. "It's weird, cos I thought the eyes would stay the same. Can you change color, or are you always white?"
"We could be anything," the Doctor shrugged.
"And is there a limit? How many times can you change?"
"Five hundred and seven."
"Add 'em up!" Jessie shouted. "Oh, and Clyde? Trust me, this one's a winner."
The Doctor's head whipped over his shoulder to glare at his wife, who was giving him a cheeky grin. "Oi! Not in the ventilation shafts!"
"Then what were you telling Sarah Jane about earlier?" she teased.
He growled. "You . . . minx."
"I take pride in it," she winked.
"Are you two flirting?!" Rani gawked.
"Ever heard it before, Rani?" the Doctor grinned, hearing Jessie drop out of the shaft.
"Trust me, we're good teachers," Jessie added. "Or talk to Captain Jack Harkness, he's the master at it."
"Um . . . no," Rani shook her head, a pink tinge to her cheeks. "It's just . . . "
"Too much?" Jessie nodded. "Amy and Rory endure more."
"We never really stop," the Doctor agreed when a loud hum rang through the complex. "They've started," he realized.
***
When they arrived at the chapel, Jessie tried to punch through it, but she gasped, her hand shooting back, and she rubbed her knuckles, wincing. "Vibranium, and totally sealed."
"Jo! Sarah!" the Doctor shouted. "Can you hear me?"
"They want the key!" Sarah Jane shouted, her voice muffled. "They've got the TARDIS, and a Memory Weave!"
"Try to find a way in," the Doctor ordered as Jessie felt around the walls.
"There's nothing," Santiago shook his head, looking around. "We need a bulldozer."
"I've got the original here!" the Doctor shouted. "You can have it if you let them go!"
Clyde grabbed a fire extinguisher and tried banging on the door. "It's not shifting! What do we do, Doctor? What do we do?!"
Jessie suddenly brightened and twisted a knob for the coms. "Sarah? Jo? Can you hear me?"
"The key, it's almost ready!" Sarah Jane cried.
"Remember!"
"We are doing!" Jo shouted. "That's the trouble!"
"Remember everything!" Jessie ordered. "Remember everything. Remember every single day with the Doctor, every single second."
"Your memories are more powerful than anything else on this planet," the Doctor pitched in. "Just think of it! Remember it! But properly. Give the Memory Weave everything. Every planet, every face, every madman, every loss, every sunset, every scent, every terror, every joy, every Doctor, every Bad Wolf. Every us."
"I remember!" Sarah Jane laughed.
"Come on, you lot," Jessie urged the kids. "Tell them!"
"Think of us, Sarah Jane!" Clyde called. "Remember Maria and her dad, and all the stuff we did, like the Gorgon!"
"And the clowns and the zodiac, and the Mona Lisa!" Rani cried.
"Just think, Gran!" Santiago chimed in. "All the countries you've been to!"
They heard sparking from inside, and Jessie groaned, her forehead hitting the wall. "We didn't think this through, did we?"
"No," the Doctor agreed. "Now we're in trouble. The Weave's going to blow up, and we can't get them out."
"What?" Rani gawked.
"He means they can't escape," Jessie said unnecessarily.
"Doctor?" Sarah Jane shouted, sounding close. "Doctor, I can't get out!"
"I can't get it open!" the Doctor shouted.
"No sonic screwdriver?"
"Inside the TARDIS!"
"Bad Wolf?"
"Solid vibranium, all the way around," Jessie shook her head. "Damn, UNIT is clever."
"And we can't get in, because guess what?" Sarah Jane huffed. "We stopped ourselves getting the key. Oh, that was clever."
"I just want to say, I'm so glad I saw you again, and got to meet your wife," Jo said. "I waited all this time, and it was worth it, every second. Funny thing is, though, your funeral turns out to be ours instead."
Jessie blinked. "Hang on, our funeral?"
"Doctor, Bad Wolf, all of you, you'll look after Luke for me, please?" Sarah Jane asked.
"Funeral!" Jessie shouted loudly. "Oh, my God, you two, you came for our funeral!"
Pause. "Lead-lined coffins!" the women shouted.
The Doctor turned to the Groske alien working at the console. "How much time have they got?"
"Big bang, ten seconds," it answered.
"Oh, hell," Jessie quipped, running. "Rani, Santiago, here!"
"Clyde," the Doctor beckoned.
"Nine, eight, seven, six."
"Hurry up, Gran," Santiago whispered as Jessie wrapped her arms around them, the Doctor shielding Clyde.
"Five, four, three, two - "
The explosion was enough to tear the door off its hinges. Jessie blew out a breath as the fire zoomed right past them, before Rani's words caught up with her.
"Did you say the Mona Lisa?"
"What about the Mona Lisa?" the Doctor asked, realizing that as well.
***
Jessie sniffed around the chapel and wrinkled her nose. "I am not having chicken for a few weeks."
"Ditto," the Doctor nodded. "Now, then, Smith and Jones." The two of them swung open their coffin lids to see Sarah Jane and Jo laughing. "The coffins were the traps, the coffins were the solutions. That's so neat, I could write a thesis."
"I am not editing it, then," Jessie shook her head.
The Doctor chuckled. "Come on, then, you two. Out you get."
***
"Whoa!" Clyde gasped as they exited the TARDIS. "It's Bannerman Road! It's like everything moved! I'm never getting used to that."
"Mr. Smith, you're in big trouble," Rani announced, Jessie smirking as she watched Santiago take it all in. "Those Shansheeth were bad."
"It transpires that you encountered a rogue element, and the Wide Wing of the High Shansheeth Nest sends apologies," Mr. Smith answered smoothly.
Jessie doubled over laughing at the stunned look on Santiago's face. "No way," he gawked. "On top of everything else, you've got a talking computer? That's it. I'm giving up."
"You should never meet JARVIS, Santiago," Jessie giggled. "You'd never want to leave."
She reentered the TARDIS to see Jo walking around. "Still the same old TARDIS," she said. "It doesn't matter what's changed. It still smells the same."
"Does it?" Jessie asked, sniffing. "Must've had a bad nose back when I was One."
Jo stared at her. "You were on here when you were one?!"
"Regeneration."
"Oh." Jo caught the look the Doctor was giving her, and she shook her head. "No. I've got to say goodbye, or else I'd stay with you forever. Besides, I probably couldn't keep up anymore. Get you into trouble with the Time Lords."
The Doctor's face darkened. "Yeah, I'd probably better go. You know me, stuff to do."
"It's daft, though," Sarah Jane said. "Because we were both saying, we had this theory that if you ever died, we'd feel it. Somehow, we'd just know. But that's just silly, isn't it?"
"I don't know," the Doctor shrugged. "Maybe not. But between you and me, if that day ever comes, I think the whole universe might just shiver."
Sarah Jane and Jo took a moment to absorb that, then Jessie shouted, "BOO!" Both women gave gasps, and Jessie giggled. "Gotcha."
Sarah Jane huffed and rolled her eyes. "You never change, J," she said, giving her a hug. "Keep an eye on him for me, will you?"
"Always do," she winked. "Good luck, Sarah Jane."
The two women exited the TARDIS, and the Doctor sent the TARDIS spinning off . . .
Neither one of them hearing the sinister hissing going on around them.
***
Who else started laughing when the Doctor and Jessie went all innuendo on the kids? :P I love these two so much, but it really is hard to top Davesa with Smidarrio (thank you @shavingforsherl0ck for their new ship name). And good news, folks - we might get a flirt-off come "The Day of the Doctor!" I can already see the War Doctor's face during that . . . oh, dear, that's going to be awesome. :)
Here's a warning: the last two parts of this story are not going to be happy, and I imagine you lot will all want to kill me when this is done. So, bear with me, folks - they're coming up!