"Lystra?" Noella spoke softly as she entered my room.
She had been out all night; I knew because I didn't sleep one bit. I laid there on my bed waiting for her to come home and then confess she didn't know, hoping to hear she made him understand his choice was wrong. It was wishful thinking at its best.
"Lys please..." she knew I was ignoring her.
She climbed onto the bed next to me. The only thing that registered to me, was her wet hair. I was numb to every other sense. I cried so much, blowing my nose into tissues, then my bedspread, my nose lost the ability to smell. My throat was sore and I was sure my body was experiencing dehydration.
Perhaps not being able to smell was a good thing, as I imagined Jordan's smell lingering all over her. Thank the goddess I couldn't smell any activities they may have done. What kind of life would that be if I could smell that foul activity on them? But knowing was enough... She showered for a reason, right?
"Go away." Bitter and horse words.
"I love him. He loves me too. He doesn't feel the connection to you Lys, I think he feels a stronger bond to me. Doesn't that make him my mate? I swear Lys, I feel the connection to him. I can't walk away." She babbled on.
I didn't speak, only because I lacked words. She was my sister and I didn't want to hate her.
After the entire night of thinking, I decided to let Jordan come to his senses on his own. Noella was a phase. I was his mate, they wouldn't last. Now that I could feel the bond, I would act like a mate. Give him the attention I didn't in the past.
In the past, I was always focused on Noella, when I should have been seeking to find my mate. I didn't mature sooner because my mind was focused on matters that didn't concern me.
"Noella, you are not his mate. You must understand this. Don't you see it? You will never be able to claim him as yours, therefore he will never be yours."
"But he can mark me." She snorted.
"Do you hate me?" I asked with a new stream of tears flowing off my face.
"No. But do you hate me? Can't you let us be happy? Are you going to be trouble for me?"
"Yes! He is my mate!"
"Noella you shouldn't be in here." Dad's concerned voice captured my attention.
"Dad I just wanted to-" she tried to justify.
"No Noella. You aren't safe with her; she can do a lot of damage to you. Please leave."
And there it was, his concern as always, was only for his precious human Noella. She left, but the wet pillow kept her in my head. I knew she showered to remove his smell. It violated my soul, the image my brain created of them cuddling, kissing, and loving each other.
"Sweetie, you need to accept this. I know you think it hurts, but he is Noella's mate. Not yours." Firm words I noted. I was sure, dad was more trying to convince himself than me, that this was the truth.
How many more times would I have to say it? He was my mate. Only my mate.
"Dad,"
"Yeah, baby?"
"Has this ever happened in our family before?" I questioned.
I knew my great, great, great grandma had a twin sister. Twins weren't uncommon in my family. For all I knew, my kids could be twins.
"It has. A long time ago,"
"How did it end?"
"After enough time, your great, I don't know how many generations ago, settled with his mate, his real mate," Dad's words gave me hope.
He! Loves! Her! The haunting sounds of my chest returned.
"So, there's still a chance?" Desperation leaked from me.
My entire body felt renewed. False hope was medicine for the foolish, with a placebo effect.
"What is meant to be, will be. No one can undo what is written for you." His parables didn't make sense, albeit I wasn't thinking at all. I just knew I was going to steal my mate back.
It took me almost an hour to settle my stomach before going to Jordan's house.
"Hey baby! Mom Noella is back; we'll be in my room." He shouted after opening the door.
For me, this meant he couldn't tell who was who. How can he claim to love one more when he couldn't tell the difference? Then I spoke.
"Jordan."
"Lys?" he withdrew, not being able to say my full name.
Thinking about it, I only ever heard him say my name a few times.
Instead of letting me in, he pulled me outside to the far side of his house where there were a few chairs and a picnic table. His family must have loved barbeques as the char on the grill still smelt fresh.
They probably had a party last night with Noella as their guest of honor. Mates usually celebrated with a family feast when they found each other.... Was that what happened last night? Was that why she didn't come home? My soul started bleeding.
"I'm sorry." His words didn't reflect any remorse.
"You never gave me a chance." It was like my outside was being peeled off my body and only my inside was before him. Not the part that looked like Noella, but the pure me, deep inside who was hurting because of his actions.
"I gave you plenty of chances to get to know me. Don't say I didn't,"
"But did you? I didn't know who you were. My entire life I was taught not to get close to any male, can you blame me for following the rules?"
"I don't see it that way. You took a long time to recognize me,"
"Are you blaming me for the speed I matured?" I lashed out.
"Please. Don't do this." He backed away from me.
"What? Be angry? My mate is in love with my sister! He didn't wait nor did he care to," I accused.
"You're right. I didn't wait therefore you deserve better. You will find someone so much better."
"Did you have a celebration last night?" I needed to know.
He lowered his head and bit his lip. I hated how handsome he was. Exactly my type, I didn't have a type... He was the only person I could see myself with. The one the goddess paired me with. My soulmate.
"Did the Alpha come to this to make it official?" I asked when I understood his silence meant yes.
"He did. I introduced her to my family as my mate."
"They accepted this? Her?" I raged.
She was human, they knew she was my twin. As the only set of twins in my pack, she and I had celebrity status among our peers.
"I accepted her and that's all that matters. She is my mate, not you." His honesty cut deep but also opened my naïve eyes.
I got up and walked out. He called my name but I didn't stop. This was his choice and I actually heard it this time. I heard him choose her, again, but this time I actually heard.
My feet led me to the last place I ever thought I would find myself, at the alpha's house. He allowed this. He could fix it. The Alpha gave him a choice, so he could take it back.
I banged on the door until his wife, Luna Hestia answered.
"Lystra? What brings you here?" she asked confused.
No one could tell apart my twin from me, not even my parents. We both looked, spoke, and smelt the same; like wolves, only Noella couldn't shift. The Luna knew who I was because she was expecting this reaction from me. I had to fight back, I thought.
"I need to speak to the Alpha!" I was hysterical.
"Dear, you know he is also the mayor of the town, right? You would find him at his office during work hours."
No, I didn't know this. I was a teen who didn't know shit about a pack.
"You found out?" the pity in her voice was enough to kill me, the look in her eyes brought me back.
She took me into a hug, not a hold to keep me from killing Noella. A hug meant to comfort me. Of all the people in my life, why did this one stranger have to be the only person to really make me feel like a person? Didn't anyone care? Were they so caught up in how I would react, that they didn't' think about how they would pacify me?
I broke down in her arms. Arms that weren't my mother's but felt motherly. She opened her house to me, offered me a seat on her sofa, and then allowed me to vent. I cried for almost an hour more.
"Why did your mate allow this to happen?" I finally asked.
"Baby, my mate didn't allow this. Your mate chose this. I promise you Alpha Donavan and I tried everything to make him understand right from wrong. Sadly, in the end, it's his choice. We can't stop him from refusing his mate for another,"
"Did you try threatening to exile him?"
"Exile? What? Stop reading teen fiction, please. We threw every argument at him. Sometimes people just love who they love. Jordan can't help being in love with Noella. Is it right? No. But would you rather him be happy or would you want to force him into a life with resentment?"
"But he won't know if I can make him happy unless he gives me a chance," I wailed.
"No. Don't do this. He chose her. He doesn't care if you can make him happy or not. For him, it's about making Noella his. His concern is her happiness."
And that was when I got a new perspective on my life. For my mate to be happy, I needed to let him be. For him to learn he was making a mistake, he had to see it for himself.
He would come to his senses as soon as the infatuation ends. Noella wasn't his mate, he would come to regret his choices soon.
I was only sixteen, I had my entire life to show him what he was doing wrong. Noella had tons of ex-boyfriends. She would grow tired of him and soon he would be begging for a chance with me. His real mate.
The days turned to weeks then the weeks turned to months. One by one, an invisible flock of birds started following me. Their squawks were really their laughter at my misery. They hovered over me, like vultures waiting to feast on me when I met my inevitable death. They carried all the emotions I couldn't yet deal with.
Jordan wanted Noella. The only change being, that now that I knew, they didn't avoid me. It was killing me.
He! Loves! Her! The voices reminded me, from within the sounds of my blood flow. I stopped calling it my heart because the sound stopped coming from there. It was broken and my emotions were being diverted to my head. A head that was on autopilot.
I lied each day. Told everyone I was fine. I lied to my mother and father because they did the same to me when they hid the truth. They pushed for me to get over him, so I lied.
I needed to lie because Jordan wouldn't allow himself in my company if he knew I still wanted him. I lied so much. I faked being okay for him to spend time with me. Noella was always there, but he was getting to know me at least this way.
It was hard to smile at her while she clung to his arms. Hard to pretend it didn't bother me. Hard to not resort to alcoholism when I had to tell them they were the cutest couple ever. I lied to sell myself. A stupid thing to do, but I overheard Jordan tell Kyle he admired how mature I was about it. I wanted to be everything he admired, so I lost myself trying to show him what he wanted to see.
Until I saw it for myself. Noella was really in love. She didn't cheat or grow tired of him even after a year of this game. Like a fool, I remained there waiting for her to give in and return my mate.
The mate bond had become a knife, peeling away layers of my heart each day. Cutting me raw, leaving me to bleed as I watched my other half love my twin. At night, threads of hope would stitch me back together. Dreams of Jordan, my prize, would overcome my every thought. Sadly, he never reciprocated.
Family dinners changed from awkward, returning somewhat to a state of normality. At first, all eyes would be on me. Dad would always sit close to me. Not because he cared, but to keep me restrained if needed. Dad truly believed I would hurt my own twin sister.
Noella was always his favorite of all his kids. The weak human who needed him to protect her. It was as if he had his own omega to treasure. I bet he felt like an alpha male around the little runt... Jordan certainly did.
He was always there, showing the world how overprotective he was. I hated myself for seeing this as a good quality. I hated watching him and believing he would one day be overly protective of me in the same manner. But I loved watching him.
My plan of making him love me backfired. I now got to know him by being an onlooker. I thought I fell in love with him, from watching him with my sister.
In a sick twisted way, I would pretend I was looking at a mirror, that Jordan was with me and Noella was a reflected illusion. Of course, the daydream would end when I had to see them kiss.
In the comforts of my room, I would break down. Fall apart with his name in my sobs. Jordan Tudor was no one special. What made him different, was him being my other half. If Noella was a copy of me, a child born because of hyperactivity in my mother's womb resulting in the fertilized egg splitting into two, or whatever the fuck science occurs I didn't know because I hated biology, then she was also his mate.
Accepting this fact took me some time but I came to accept it when I watched Noella cut his birthday cake with him and confess how in love she was. How completed she felt with him in her life, for he was the only person who treated her like an individual rather than the copy. I believed her, she loved him.
I should have walked away, but no. Jordan had to get into my head. He was naturally a flirt. I would find hope again all because he smiled at me. He led me on with his little compliments and his simple acts like buying me a secret Christmas gift. A stupid charm bracelet with his dumb picture inside one of the charms.
"I can't accept this," I told him.
He came up to my room while Noella was in the shower to present me with the token.
"Because you didn't get me anything?" The way he said this, so playful, made me think I was the only girl he had eyes for. Who wouldn't fall for him?
"No, but Noella would only feel hurt if she saw this." Still, all I could think of was my sister. Was I brainwashed into thinking she alone mattered?
"Lystra... I may be with her, but you are very special to me. I'm addicted to you." He said then walked away.
I was stunned. I felt like there was hope. I would have him soon. But did I want him? Make no mistake, I did, but would I allow myself to hurt Noella like that? Allow her human heart to break, as my heart did?
That stupid charm remained in the box. I refused to let him see me wear it, for he would know he owned me. He did though.
Each time I shifted; I would run to somewhere different. A place was chosen at random, but he would always find me. This was the way of the wolf. We called to each other, a song of the soul only his ears could hear. A frequency only mates could answer to, proof that I alone was his, his real soulmate.
In wolf form, I would lose my humanity, and my gentle beast would have no rules. I did what I couldn't do in human skin, I sought affection from him. He was so generous, but we never fully lost ourselves. I never allowed us to cross the lines into intimacy. Just two wolves playing with each other.
Each run was just him getting what he needed, a substitute for Noella. Wolves needed socialization, especially in wolf form. He needed me to give him what Noella couldn't. To please the beast who he was under his skin, maybe he thought it was my duty.
Maybe I thought it was my way in. I knew he would spend time with Noella in wolf form, but still, he came to me.
I never felt his lips on mine. Though he would play with me as a wolf, he never tried to mount me, or even lick my fur. It was just about being in my company. Playing in our natural forms.
I hated him. On days when I couldn't watch them, I would go to the temples to help the priestesses. Many thought I was deeply religious because I started living like a priestess. Without a mate, I may as well be one, but I was there just to avoid people and to cry.
At home, my bed stunk of stale tears, even drool. I stunk of sadness.
"You didn't come out today." Jordan would sneak into my bedroom late when everyone was asleep.
"I don't want to run with you anymore. Go away." My words held no weight, I said them too many times.
"Lys, I can't focus unless I run. You know it's mandatory, alpha's orders." This was always his reason.
"Then run with someone else." I would whisper back as he lay on my bed.
This was his way of keeping me close by. He and I both knew this, yet we danced our dance. Like a drug addict, I would feed off his sample and wait for the next hit. This little moment of affection was the high point of my life, howbeit it always came when I was at my lowest.
"Lystra, you said you understood." His fingers would play with my loose hairs the exact way, he would with my sister's. He only needed me because he felt a celestial tie towards me. If he could ignore it, he would.
"Go away." My tears did nothing for him, so I stopped showing them to him.
"I can't. I feel the disturbance in the bond."
"We have no bond, you're with my sister." At least I had gotten to the point where I could say this out loud.
It ripped me open each time, but I was good at Frankenstein-ing myself back together. I had months of practice after all. No one but me to put the pieces back together, and no one but me, allowed him to break them apart over and over again.
"You are going through one of your moments Lys. You know I can't be what you want."
He knew exactly what he was doing, I just refused to see it.
My moments, a description he and his pretend mate gave it. For the times when they felt I would try to worm my way into his life. A cover for the occasions he felt weak, for the times Noella caught him looking at me too long. I was to blame because I was having a relapse about giving up my mate apparently. Recidivism was all they saw, as Lystra the harlot, was acting up.
How no one publicly accused him of stringing me along was laughable. I was the joke.
"I don't want to run with you. I think you need to find a new running mate." I stressed on the word mate. He was good at replacing me after all.
"I can't see you this upset. How would you expect me to deal with Noella had I chosen you and she was being like this?"
He! Loves! Her! The beats would sing my tune of misery to let me know I was still alive. Always there to remind me, as if the sound was his tune too.
"I would hope she stayed away like I am trying to do. Please leave."
"We run tomorrow, don't be late. I won't take no for an answer."
His warm hand took hold of mine. When I didn't respond to him, he left. I wouldn't have noted how cold I was, had his skin not touched mine. But then again, the walls of me were not real. I was nothing but a corpse pretending to live in that house.
"I think you should lock your room dear." Uncle Brian spoke.
"I didn't realize you were awake." Why hide what he saw.
I assumed by morning everyone would know I had a moment.
"He's fiddling you." My uncle said leaning in the door frame.
"Huh?"
"Playing you like a fiddle. If he was sure about Noella, he would let you be. But somewhere in his stupid head, he knows you would always be there. You're his backup." He angrily voiced.
"If you know this why tell me alone? Do you not care enough to get in his face for fiddling me?" I rose up from my bed with a sudden need to yell.
"You know it's against the law to meddle in the affairs of mates. He could do as he pleases as long as you let him."
"I don't let him do anything. Did you miss the part where I asked him to leave? He's Noella's mate, I accepted my fate."
"You don't fool me. He can only do as he pleases as long as you let him, but you alone sweetie can put a stop to it."
"And how do I do that uncle?" I shouted so loud, that I was sure everyone woke up. Yep, I was having a fucking episode.
"Did your dad ever tell you about the twins in our family?" An unmoved tone that told me he wasn't going to back off.
"I forgot. And I don't care. Being a twin is a curse, I'm never having kids."
A playful chuckle was all I heard from him. Uncle Brian was fifteen years my senior. Young enough to relate to, but still too old to understand me.
"You and me both kid." His laugh resonated in his chest.
"Why are you still here?" I muttered.
"There's a place I can take you. It's where unmated go to get the help they need."
"Let me stop you, I'm not unmated, I'm rejected."
With the look he gave me, even with the dim night light I kept on, I could see clearly the meaning on his face. The Center was mostly for the rejected.
"Why would you want me to go there?"
"Lystra, it's because you're asking me this means you still haven't let go. He chose your sister. Even if he leaves her, will you want him? A man who has been with your twin?"
In that moment I had no answers. I wanted my mate; I was only seventeen at that point. Who would blame me? Hurting Noella seemed like a small price, she would get over it the way she expected me to.
"Why are you taking so long to answer? Are you seriously thinking about it?" he scuffed. "Jordan is scum. He's using the 'I feel the pull to both of them' as an excuse to sample Noella before returning to his senses! Before crawling back to you! I bet he's a little shit who'd blame you for not fighting for him."
I should have heard uncle Brian's point but all I took from that was, that he too believed Jordan would grow tired of Noella and return to me. I was desperate.
"I'm tired. Please leave."
"Of course, sweetie. Good night.... Lock the door!"
I gave it about ten minutes before I was on paws running into the woods. Breaking the rule about running alone.
Within seconds, Jordan was beside me. He always knew I would cave. I hated him and I hated myself. But I was hopeful.
He shifted back, naked as he was born then stood before my wolf form.
"Don't shift. I don't want to see your body."
It was exactly like Noella's. He'd seen her many times, I was sure.
He! Loves! Her! My heart raced as I listened to him.
"I love your sister! Brian is wrong! I'm not insecure about Noella! I love her, she loves me and I think it's time you stop expecting me to run with you," He rambled.
He was listening to Uncle Brian speak, or maybe uncle Brian stayed in the door frame intentionally knowing Jordan was still in the hall or could hear us from Noella's room.
"I won't ever be yours Lystra! I love your sister! I think you're making my time with you out to be more than what it is! I pity you!"
And just like that, the illusion of being together in the future was gone.
This was the wake-up call I needed. He didn't want me now or in the future. Even if Noella left him, which I wholeheartedly believed she would, he wouldn't want me.
I was back to crying in my room, but now I was crying from accepting what my future held.
I had no mate. But I loved him still and wanted him even then.
I! Won't! Ever! Be! Yours!
He! Loves! Her!
The sound of my soul would lull me to sleep each night.
I hated my sister but loved her enough to do this for her. I gave up on hope because he loved her more.
I loved Noella enough to continue pretending as if I wasn't bothered. I loved Jordan enough to want his happiness. To step aside, whilst slowly burning to death. I switched off my insides in order to move forward.
I didn't allow anyone to enter my head, and so many tried. Many neighbors and friends from school would share their opinions with me. The loathing they felt at the situation all because this was an act against our goddess. They filled my ears with odes of sympathy, which I ignored. I loved Noella too much to fight her for a man who wanted her.
Many members of the pack, slowly distanced themselves from our circle, as we were allowing Jordan to covet a female that wasn't his before the eyes of his real mate. His real mate, I was not. He made sure I knew this. I still wanted him, but no longer acted on it.
Months passed and finally, my eighteenth birthday was upon us. An event most would anticipate as it marked the beginning of adulthood. I wasn't one of those. Eighteen was the deadline I gave myself to make Jordan see me for me. A task I gave up on knowing all he saw was Noella.
"I don't think I want to cut my adult cake with you Lys," Noella barged into my room.
She didn't understand this space was my den.
"I don't want to cut a cake. Have this party, I don't want to be a part of it," I said as I pulled the sheets over my head.
"Don't be silly. You will have your own cake! I just want to cut mine with Jordan," She replied. She no longer hesitated to flaunt him in front of me.
It had been months since I had a moment. She honestly believed I was past him. Like one could get past a soulmate. I fought myself to keep my emotions switched off.
"Whatever. I just want to sleep Ella," I answered.
After two years of her having him and almost a year of me not having moments, yet she still didn't feel my hurt. My own twin didn't feel nor see the battered person who lived beneath my shell. All she saw was me being happy for her. Was she ignoring the tears she knew I cried?
"Lystra, all of my life I felt like I was a carbon copy accidentally printed. I hated growing up among wolves who only saw me as the other twin. Even you, made me feel like I was being pitied for not having the ability to shift,"
I had to remove the covers from my face for I knew she was about to open up. Maybe tell me she was tired of Jordan and I could have him back. If wishes were horses...
"But then I met Jordan. He made me feel like number one. I wasn't the copy. A lot of people say I'm lying when I tell them I feel the bond. I swear sometimes I feel sparks when he touches me," she continued.
You bitch, I feel sparks when I breathe the same air as he does. Every bit of contact reminds my body this male was made for me, my unsaid feelings exploded in my head.
"I can't live without him, unlike you. I honestly think I'm his true mate." She concluded looking at me as if I was supposed to applaud.
"You are his mate. His only mate. I don't feel sparks or tingles, that ended months ago. Whatever connection we once shared, it's gone now. I promise, I believe you, he's your real mate, I was just some sort of fluke." I replied.
She pulled me into a hug. Which I didn't care to return, but did so remembering Kyle's words.... She is our sister and we need to be happy for her. She found someone who will love her for life. I know it seems like she stole from you. But you, Lystra, were born second... She could argue that you are the copy and she was the original.
One of us deserved to be happy. Especially after that night.
"Eighteen years! The last of my babies are adults now!" mum said while drinking Champaign.
Everyone was celebrating, except for me of course. I was just trying to get past the night. I no longer avoided Jordan, but still, I didn't allow myself to be in his company too long. The pang in my chest would always return as if I was seeing him for the first time as my mate, each time I saw him. The heartache of seeing Noella in his arms would also burn like the first time. The truths I kept to myself.
Now that I had spent time in his company, I loved him more. The way he spoke, the sound of his laughter.... All of it. He was almost perfect. Though I stopped looking at him, behind my eyelids was a permanently etched image of him. I knew every detail of his visible physique. From the shade of his hair to the smell of his smile, yes, I could smell his smile. I could smell his happiness, whereas he couldn't see my misery.
"It's cake time!" Kyle shouted.
He and I drifted apart completely. I observed he was still good with Noella and even became 'bros' with Jordan. I was the odd one now. The twin with the disability, only no one coddled me. Wolves weren't meant to be coddled after all.
The birthday song was done all too fast. Oddly, I was asked to cut my cake first. Oddly and to my surprise, it was perfect. A coconut almond cake, the only flavor I liked. It brought a smile to my face, as every other year in the past, Noella insisted it be chocolate. Having this one thing to myself truly did make me happy. This was the first time in two years that my smile wasn't faked.
But then it was time for Noella to have her cake. God did Jordan look cute in his navy-blue tux that complimented Noella's ruby red dress.
I was underdressed for my own party but didn't notice until then. Kyle was suspiciously close to me, and dad too. Something was going down, Déjà vu. I felt it all again, everyone knowing but me.
Jordan was down on his knee, while mine grew weak.
I! Won't! Ever! Be! Yours!
He! Loves! Her!
And now 'Will! You! Marry! Me!'
I didn't move, I kept my head up and cheered like Noella would want me to when she said yes.
Dad and Kyle didn't move from my side. If I didn't know better, I would think they were there for emotional support. But I knew better, they were here to keep me in check and Noella safe should I decide to wolf out.
I had lost. No point in ruining her moment to feel better.
They watched me but I kept my smile. Pride was all I had left, so why not keep up my strong front of a show?
"Congratulations!" I hugged her.
"Jordan, my sister is the best female of all, treat her well." I knew they understood the in-between the lines.
**********************************
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