[ TW / mentions of self-harm, depictions of violence, mention of blood and injury, verbal & emotional abuse ]
The next time Jinyoung went to his cafe, there was an uneasiness in his stomach. Somehow the place he's always seen as a refuge, the only place where he could hide from the world, has also become unsafe.
And now that he stands here, amidst the dim lighting and light, lingering aroma of brewing coffee, Jinyoung could still see Youngho standing right there , with that taunting smile on his face. He hated himself so much for being weak, for not being able to do anything at all in front of everyone.
Somewhere at the back of his head, he could still see their watching eyes, scrutinizing every movement he makes. It spurs a sickening feeling inside of him, the thought of looking so pathetic in front of everyone, of looking so helpless.
The wind blows outside and streams through the open door, and Jinyoung shakes his head to push down that thought before it's all he can think about.
And surprisingly, the day went by pretty easily, and as the sun rose up, so did Jinyiung's mood.
When it was time for closing, he practically ran over to the door with a smile, the warm late afternoon sunlight streaming through the windows. As Jinyoung scans the place to make sure everything was cleaned up, he could barely contain the smile taking over his face, heart thudding with excitement.
The seven of them had arranged to eat dinner together tonight, and the others had offered to pick Jinyoung up after their classes today, to which Jinyoung (hesitantly) agreed. It was a bit weird, in a way, to casually hang out with them. It was weird to be treated nicely, and even now Jinyoung still wonders if he deserves their kindness at all.
"You're still here, Jinyoungie ?"
The smile immediately falls off his face.
Jinyoung freezes, breath hitching in his throat. The grip on the straps of his backpack tightens just a little bit.
"Look at us, Jinyoung! Didn't you miss us?"
A chuckle, followed by two pairs of laughter. Jinyoung's heart started to race, and he was clutching his bag so tightly his knuckles turned white. He wanted to turn around and make a rush for the door; wanted so desperately to get away from their presence, but it seemed like his feet were rooted to the ground, cold and unmoving.
The sound of footsteps were getting closer, and as Jinyoung stared helplessly at the kitchen just ahead, all he could think about were the times he spend with those six — those six who were like a ray of light in his lonely world, who always seemed to cheer him up and make him forget about the fear in his mind simply by just being there.
He wishes they were here. He hated being so weak, but the terror was just so paralyzing that all he wanted to do was run away.
At the back of his head, Jinyoung hoped they would come through the door and envelop him in their warm embraces, away from the people he'd been hiding from for as long as he could remember, away from the fear overtaking his mind. And as much as he hated being so helpless all the time, he just wanted to feel safe.
But Youngho was still here, all them were still here, looming above him like a gray cloud waiting to pour. They were still here, with no intention to leave, and suddenly Jinyoung's brought back to that day at the cafeteria.
Suddenly, the feeling of helplessness comes crashing down on him, like a strong ripple of waves taking over an ocean.
Run away, run away, run away now—
A cry of pain spills from Jinyoung's mouth as he's yanked back by the hair, forcing him to look at the mocking faces at the four people he never wanted to see again.
"I said look at us, Jinyoung," Eilina's sharp voice cuts through the air. Her voice always was so demanding, so controlling that Jinyoung always felt so small coming face to face with her.
"Tsk, tsk," Youngho shakes his head, smirking as he gently lifts Jinyoung's chin to face him. Jinyoung whimpers, feeling completely trapped. His eyes are filling with tears. "You will listen to us, whether you like it or not, got that?"
And then Jinyoung's breath is knocked out of him as Youngho's hand hits his face, followed by a series of laughter.
"You're still so weak, huh?" One of them, Kyle, says.
"It's not surprising considering it is Jinyoung after all." Another one, Cath, adds, crossing her arms as she watches the scene before her.
"I told you, didn't I?" Youngho whispers in his ear. "I told you I'd find you."
Jinyoung didn't say anything to that, too scared to even move. His cheek was still stinging, and his heart was pounding out of his chest that he could hear it in his ears.
Everything was too loud, too much—
"Do you know why we're doing this?" Eilina whispers, her grip on his hair tightening just a bit. Jinyoung whimpers. "It's because you looked so fucking pathetic walking around that cafeteria, looking around like you didn't know where to go. You've always been that way, until now. I wanted to wipe that stupid, innocent smile off your face. I wanted to see you cry and beg in front of us."
Youngho smiles in a sickeningly sweet way beside her, tilting Jinyoung's face once again to meet him. "You'll never be anything more than a weak person who can't stand up for yourself, Jinyoung. You do know that, don't you?"
He turns to Cath and gestures for her to come over without letting go of Jinyoung. Cath, with a smirk, immediately walks over with an object in her hand. Jinyoung's eyes widened as the object came into view.
It was a pocket knife.
But before Jinyoung could even do anything, Youngho instantly grabbed him by the arm in a tight grip. Chest heaving, Jinyoung cried out as he stared at the cruel expressions gazing back at him like he was a caged animal. There was a glint of joy in each of their eyes. A glint of joy.
"Don't even think about it, Jinyoung." Youngho chuckled, taking the knife from Cath's hand. He stared at Jinyoung up and down, pointing the blade like it was a pen. "You can't escape even if you try."
"Why are you doing this?" Jinyoung asked, tears forming in his eyes.
"Why? Oh, Jinyoungie," the other simply smiled. "Because I want to break you. Until you're just a shell of a person. It's so rewarding to see that."
Jinyoung's stomach twists at those words.
"You were the one who approached us, did you forget?" Kyle adds, raising an eyebrow. "Maybe things would be different if you hadn't, right?"
Jinyoung gulped. The knife had stopped just across his wrist, where all the inflicted cuts were completely visible for everyone to see. Youngho smirked, meeting Jinyoung's eyes. "Let's add another cut, shall we?"
"Fucking pathetic," Eilina laughs.
Youngho glances at her, as if to agree, before dragging the blade swiftly across Jinyoung's arm. Jinyoung could hear laughter as he cried out in pain, blood pooling around the wound instantly. The bright, red blood spilled across his wrist and onto the floor.
He didn't even realize that he was crying until the tears ran down his cheeks. He just wanted to get out of here, to go to the others. He wanted their warm embraces, their reassuring smiles, their gentle words, their soft touches. He wanted them .
"You'll never be anything more."
Laughter. A clink on the floor as Youngho carelessly threw the knife across the ground.
"You really should just die."
Eilina threw him across the ground with a scoff as everyone moved away. Jinyoung clutched his arm to his chest, breathing heavily as tears continued to stream down his face.
They all just laughed while Jinyoung tried to move away from them as far away as possible, eventually bumping across a table.
"P—please just stop...I don't—please, please stop." He was mumbling, the words barely registering in his head.
Their cruel laughter seemed so loud, echoing through the walls, and it was cold, and too much.
Somewhere in between it all, amidst the drowning noises surrounding him and the almost unbearable pain, Jinyoung's eyes landed on the shadows casted on the floor. The sun was steadily going down, and as the late afternoon sunshine fades away into the distance, Jinyoung wonders if he deserves all of this.
All of the memories come rushing back, from the very moment he entered the campus that morning, until he met Youngho's eyes at the cafeteria, inviting him to sit with them. If only he saw the glint of disgust on his eyes back then.
But at that time all he wanted was to be with someone, to have someone there by his side. To have a group of friends he could laugh along with. Jinyoung just wanted to be their friend, and all they wanted from the beginning was to break him apart.
Why did he have to be so weak?
The cries spilling from his lips was the only thing he could hear, overwhelmingly painful as it seemed to tear apart at his insides. He felt breathless, suffocated .
There seemed to be a commotion happening around him now, angry voices yelling out words he couldn't understand. They sounded familiar.
"Why the fuck are even you here again, you—Jinyoung!"
Footsteps echoed in his ears before there was suddenly a shadow in front of him. Still clutching his bleeding arm, Jinyoung desperately tried to get away, mumbling out incoherent words.
And suddenly there were hands on his shoulders, a grounding grip amidst the haziness of his mind. Jinyoung found himself relaxing into the touch.
"Jinyoung-ah? Hey, are you okay? Can you hear me?"
Jinyoung's eyes furrowed. There were still people shouting nearby, but all he could focus on was the gentle voice talking to him. "J—Jaebeom-hyung?" He looks up, meeting the worried gaze of the elder. He could see the others standing behind him, faces contorted in anger as they argued with the four.
"We had to stay for a bit in class because of an emergency meeting. I'm sorry we arrived here late, but we're here now, okay?" Jaebeom said, nodding as he gently brushed a strand of hair away from Jinyoung's face. "Are you all right? Shit, you're bleeding. Hold on."
Jinyoung just watched silently as Jaebeom grabbed a handkerchief and very gently wrapped it around his wrist. He felt completely empty and... shattered. Even as the warmth of Jaebeom's jacket enveloped him, all he could feel was the wound on his arm. Even as the yelling gradually died down and the other five surrounded him, whispering gentle words of reassurance and comfort, all he could hear was static, just an endless stream of noise that didn't make any sense.
Nobody was holding him down, and yet his heart felt so heavy. Nobody was tying him down, and yet he felt so suffocated.
Somehow, even through the warm embraces he has been longing for, Jinyoung still felt alone.
"Jinyoung? Hey," Jackson held the back of his head and gently guided him to his chest, fingers treading through Jinyoung's hair. "Let's go home."
Slowly, he was brought back to his feet, an arm immediately wrapping around his waist. Jinyoung said nothing. The six of them walked towards the door, ignoring the spiteful stares glaring back at them. Jinyoung still didn't say anything even as they passed by Youngho, who was saying something that Jinyoung didn't bother listening to. It all didn't matter anyway. It was just a faraway voice he couldn't decipher, a mere noise that did nothing to break the numbness growing in his heart.
Maybe emptiness was a much better feeling than the stinging ache.
Jinyoung still didn't speak a word even as the hand on his waist — was it Bambam? He couldn't tell anymore — tightens ever so slightly as Mark says something back to Youngho. He sounded angry.
Jinyoung still didn't open his mouth even as the warm air of the dorm greets him amidst the silence, even as Youngjae gently guides him to the sofa, even as Yugyeom presses soft cotton to the bleeding gash on his arm and even as he's handed water to drink. He still didn't say anything.
Maybe staying silent was better. Because, then, he wouldn't have to feel the overwhelming mixture of emotions stirring at his stomach, bubbling uncomfortably like boiling water.
Feeling nothing would be better than feeling everything, wouldn't it?
So he just keeps staring at a spot somewhere on the wall as the distant chatter echoes off the room and pretends not to notice the worried glances sent in his direction, pretends not to notice the warm tears slowly trailing down his face.