JUST KIDDING IT'S FKN GO TIME WOOO
I had only just arrived when Goh got back. Chloe wasn't there- she'd gone off to see Officer Jenny at the station and give a statement about Goh before he was declared a missing person. When she got back, we were planning on travelling to Johto to search for him ourselves.
Then he'd just wandered in, completely fine. The relief nearly made me collapse. Honestly, for a second I wanted to kill him myself for stressing me out like that. But I needed to talk to him anyway. I'd already made the decision before Chloe called me. Now I don't have to wait weeks for him to visit, winding myself up about it the whole time. I can get it out of the way.
But I'm vibrating with nerves, so strong I actually think I might be sick. My brain is pounding against my skull, and I try to ignore it and the feeling of Goh's hands on my chest as he rides behind me on the bike, his chest pressed against my back. I just want to go somewhere quiet, where I can let everything out.
I drive out of the city, despite saying I wouldn't take him far, and follow the coast road until we're far enough out that I'm certain we haven't been followed by anyone, and spot a turn in. I turn off the road, driving down a little dirt road towards a cliff edge, lined with trees, their leaves a swirling mix of orange and yellows. The sky is a mix of peach and orange, the sun hanging over the top of the ocean stretching out in front of us.
I park the bike and get off, breathing heavily through my nose, trying to calm down. It's okay. I'll just say what I need to say, and then we can head back, and I'll have gotten it off my chest. If Goh doesn't want to speak to me for a while, then it'll be okay, because we'll be four thousand miles apart again.
Last night, I looked up at the stars, and made a wish: That it would be me and him. That we would be soulmates, platonic or romantic, so that we were destined to spend our lives together. That it could be us.
But now, as I sit down in the grass on the cliff edge, looking out at the sunset over the sea, I seize up again. Goh is sitting beside me, legs drawn up, and he's watching me nervously, waiting for me to explain why I've dragged him out here.
I take a deep breath. I could stall and hesitate forever, and likely will if I don't just force myself to speak. Finally, I turn to face him, my chest rising and falling heavily as every rapid heartbeat brings me closer to throwing up.
"Okay," I start, sighing to let out the tension. "I'm just... I'm just gonna say what I need to say, straight up. I've lived through enough regret already, and I don't want to add to that list. When I'm done you don't have to say anything, okay? We can just head back and forget this happened."
"You're scaring me," Goh says, and his eyes confirm that. He looks terrified. I bite my lip and look back over the sea, because I don't think I can face him when I say this, in case his expression gives away how he's feeling, and it's negative. It's probably going to be negative.
I close my eyes and sigh again, a steady breeze blowing my hair back from my face. I'm so terrified of losing what we're starting to have again, but I just can't live like this any longer.
Well, it's not getting any easier the longer I wait. I take a deep breath and start: "I've spent the last eight years of my life regretting not calling you. It might sound crazy, but there wasn't a single day that went by that I didn't think about you, at least once. I never knew why, because after eight years you should barely even remember someone, but I remembered everything so clearly. I remembered you so clearly, and I missed you, but I'd left it too long, and I knew it would be strange for me to reach out after so long, so I didn't.
Life without you just... It didn't feel right. Like something was missing. I don't think I realised how much until we met again." I take another deep breath, my hands trembling in front of me. I lean back on them, pressing them into the cool grass, trying to calm down. Looking up at the sky, I watch the clouds pass over me, and pretend I'm talking to myself to make it easier.
"I've been in a bunch of relationships, but I always thought there was something wrong with me, because I never had feelings for any of them. I thought I was never going to have feelings for anyone. I didn't realise... I didn't know it was because I was still chasing the ghost of you."
I turn my head to face him before I can stop myself, my chest tightening so much I can hardly breathe. "I was wrong about everything," I say, my heart in my throat, pounding. "Because I have feelings for you."
I see the physical reaction in him- the way his chest moves, his mouth falls open more, and his eyes dilate. I speak again before he can speak, because I've started now, and I can't stop.
"I know you don't feel the same anymore. I never knew you felt that way in the first place. It's kind of funny, that you said you realised you were gay because of me, and the same thing happened to me years later." I smile sadly at him, tilting my head a little. "Truthfully though, I think I have had feelings for you the whole time. I just didn't realise it. I know it sounds crazy that I still feel this way, after all this time. Trust me, it sounds crazy to me, too. But it's real. It's the realest fucking thing I've ever felt.
And I'm so sorry, Goh. I'm sorry I was so dense back then. If I'd known... Maybe it would have helped me realise I felt the same. I think I made us miss out on something that could have been really good," I choke out, tensing my jaw as tears threaten to fall suddenly.
There's a moment of silence, so tense I cringe inwardly, wishing I could take everything I just said back. Goh's in shock- staring at me with wide eyes, his hands shaking now too. I push up off the grass, ready to walk back to the bike. I did say we could just head back, after all. I won't wait for his response when I said he didn't have to give me one. Well, it's all out there now, for better or for worse.
I turn away, and make it one step before I hear Goh stand behind me. He reaches out and grabs my wrist, and as I turn to face him, confused, he's stepping towards me.
In a heartbeat, he closes the distance between us, and before I can react I feel his lips crash against mine.
I can barely think, or breathe, or move, as Goh's mouth clumsily finds mine, opening slightly to let me kiss him. The wave of emotion is so violent it threatens to knock me off my feet.
There's a jolt between us- It feels like every neuron in my body is firing at once, like lightning is dancing between my nerves. It lasts a split second, then I melt into him, our lips moving in sync as he brings his hands up to my face, placing one either side of my jaw. He kisses me like he's been waiting for it his whole life. I feel like I'm on fire, but drowning in it at the same time. I had pictured it before, obviously, but I could never have expected it to feel like this.
I think I'm actually going to die. This doesn't even feel real. He keeps kissing me, over and over, leaving me helpless, and I know for sure now that this is what it's meant to feel like: fireworks, burning and desire. It steals my breath away but makes me feel so alive.
Finally, I feel all the pieces of us come back together, and for the first time in eight years, my heart feels whole again.
When he pulls away, I want to move with him, to keep him pressed into me forever. He doesn't move his hands, and when our eyes meet again, I see the intensity burning behind his.
I wonder if he felt what I felt. He had to, right?
Adrenaline is coursing through my veins as the words repeat over and over in my brain:
He's my soulmate.
Because that's what I felt, the second our lips connected, just like he said. I must have missed it when we were younger, or dismissed it as excitement after the battle, but it was unmistakable just now, and I can hardly find words. I can hardly believe this is happening at all.
In a heartbeat, it all makes sense. I've never felt anything in any other kiss because I'd already felt this before, all those years ago, and subconsciously knew every other kiss was wrong- that something was missing. I've literally been chasing this spark my whole life, and I didn't even know it.
"Ash," he says, breathlessly, his first words since I started speaking, and his voice stops my heart for a second. "We're soulmates."
"I know," I say, my heart burning. "I felt it too."
"I lied," Goh says. He shakes his head, and he's smiling. "I'm still in love with you."
The breath rushes from my lungs. His words echo in my head, hitting me like an arrow in the heart. He's still in love with me. I lean in and kiss him again, smiling against his lips when I taste a tear, and realise he's crying. He smiles back, laughing a little.
"Goh," I say against his lips, our noses touching. I grin, and say between kisses: "I love you."
"We're soulmates," he says again, almost to himself, like he can't believe it. I pull him in again, and we kiss until my jaw hurts, standing pressed against one another on the cliff edge as the sun dips lower in the sky, taking all the light with it.
— — — —
Goh steps away to call Chloe ten minutes later, and I hear him bickering quietly with her under his breath as he paces back and forth by my bike. I watch him, still in awe that tonight is real, and that we're really soulmates. I have no idea what any of this means for us, or where we go from here, but none of that matters right now.
I understand now that our meeting on Lugia was fateful in more ways than one. We were meant to meet on that day. We were meant to find each other, because we were made for each other, like Arceus said. I just can't believe we wasted eight years.
My phone buzzes in my pocket, ripping me from the daydream. It's Dawn, and I answer, turning away from Goh. "Hey," I say casually.
"Chloe told me Goh came back but she's not responding to me now. What's going on?"
"Oh, she's on the phone to him now. I think she's grilling him." I steal a glance back over my shoulder, and see Goh is looking at me too. He turns away when our eyes meet, visibly blushing, and I smile. "He was in Johto, but he got stuck in a storm and had no phone to contact her."
"Ugh. I bet she's livid," Dawn says. "But where are you now? She said the two of you were gone when she got back."
"When will you be coming here?" I ask, ignoring her question. She hesitates, likely wondering whether to ask me again or answer mine.
"Tomorrow," she says warily. "Why?"
"Just wondering. I think I'll stick around to see you," I say. I look back at Goh again. He's off the phone now, standing by the bike, waiting for me. He rubs a hand up one arm like he's cold. "I gotta go. I'll see you tomorrow," I say quickly, not giving her time to prod me with questions.
"Alright," she sighs. "See you tomorrow."
I hang up and head back over to Goh, whose face lights up as I approach. "You're cold," I say, frowning. "We should head back."
I hand him the helmet again as he nods, and this time he doesn't hesitate to get on behind me. His hands snake around my waist again, and it still makes my breath catch, especially now. I freeze, forgetting for a moment that I need to drive as he scoots forward until his hips are pressed into me, and rests his head on my back. I'm burning up, but I manage to clear my head enough to start the bike and drive off back towards the city.
When we get back to the lab, Chloe's waiting at the door, arms crossed over her chest. When she sees us, her eyebrows fly up, and I guess Goh didn't tell her anything over the phone. I park the bike and take the helmet from Goh, hanging it on the handlebars before climbing the steps again. Everyone else had already gone home for the night before I even arrived, so it's just us and Chloe here now.
"Where have you been?" Chloe asks, irritated. "I rushed back and you weren't even here."
My eyes flick to Goh, who is looking anywhere but at Chloe, like he's embarrassed. It's kind of cute. "We went out," I answer for him, and Chloe turns her fury to me instead, but then seems to see something in my face, and her eyes soften.
It's dark outside now, and I need to find a place to stay for the night. The massive jet lag is starting to catch up with me now, and I feel heavy, like I might fall asleep standing upright at any moment.
"I should probably go get a room at the Pokémon Centre," I say, stepping away. "This jet lag is really fucking with me."
Goh turns to me, shaking his head. "You can stay with me."
My face lights on fire. "At your apartment?" I ask stupidly.
"Yeah," he says quietly, clearly still embarrassed. Chloe is looking back and forth between us, trying to figure out what's going on, her eyes wide.
"Oh my God," she says suddenly. "You... Did you tell him?" She looks at me. I know what she means, so I nod.
"Wait- Huh? You knew?" Goh shouts, turning to stare incredulously at Chloe.
She shrugs, smiling sheepishly. I realise I have no idea where Goh lives. I'm assuming it's somewhere in Vermillion, but I could be wrong. "Where do you live?" I ask, a little awkwardly.
"I'll drive you," he says, pulling the keys to his car from his pocket. "Come on."
He starts walking down the steps again. I turn back to Chloe, who still looks shocked. "I'll explain tomorrow," I say quietly, turning to follow him.
"Ash, are you-?" She gestures to Goh. I think she means dating, and I blush, wondering the same thing.
"We're soulmates," I say, smiling. She doesn't ask anything else, just stares ahead in awe as I jog down the steps to catch up with Goh, who's waiting impatiently at the bottom.
— — — —
Goh's driving is surprisingly good, and it turns out he does live in the city. It's on the other side, though, and it takes ten minutes to drive there. I'm more nervous than I've ever been. Sure, we've slept in the same bed three times already in the past couple weeks, but this time it's different. And this time, it's his bed.
His apartment building looks pretty nice. I follow him wordlessly inside, feeling tense as he flips through his keys, looking for the one to unlock his door. He finally finds it and unlocks the door, pushing it open.
Inside it's tidy, and furnished pretty nicely. There's a laptop and a stack of papers scattered across the desk in the corner of the room, but other than that nothing seems to be out of place. He flips the light switch and throws the keys down on a table by the door, then walks through to the kitchen, running a hand through his hair.
"Are you hungry?" He asks. I am a little, but I shake my head anyway, still looking around. I think I'm too nervous to eat, and that says a lot. I hear the sound of a kettle boiling.
"Where's your stuff?" He asks, referring to my lack of luggage.
For a moment I stand blankly, then curse under my breath, remembering the luggage I left at the lab, standing upright against a wall inside. Goh laughs, and the sound echoes inside me, lighting me up.
"It's okay," he says casually. I hear him go into a cupboard, but from here I can't really see what he's doing. "You can use my stuff."
My skin is on fire. He says it so casually, like it's totally normal for me to be using his stuff, or wearing his clothes. Like we're...
He rounds the corner, holding a mug of something, steam curling up from it. "Here," he says, handing it to me. I look down into it, confused. "It's tea."
He made me tea. I blink down into it, feeling a warmth seep from my heart, all across my body. I didn't know it was possible to love someone this much. "Thank you."
He grabs the mug he made for himself then sits down on the sofa, waiting for me to join him. I sit beside him, but not too close, because I'm still not sure how to act around him. But the second I sit, he scoots closer, until we're side by side. I bristle, but don't move away.
"You want to watch something?" He asks, and I shrug, saying "sure." He flicks through a bunch of movies until we agree on one. Turns out we have a pretty similar taste, so it doesn't take long. We don't end up watching much, instead talking the whole time. It's ridiculous how easy it is to talk to him now, compared to a couple of weeks ago. If someone had told me we'd be sitting here now, after saying we hated each other on the ferris wheel that night in Cerulean, I never would have believed them.
Towards the end of the movie, we go quiet, actually watching it. Goh's dragged a blanket he had laying on the edge of the sofa over us, and his head is on my shoulder. When the movie ends and I look down, I see his eyes are closed, and realise he's sleeping. I let myself watch him for a moment, thinking about how lucky I am, until his eyes flick open again.
He rubs his eyes, looking confused, and I laugh. "Morning," I say sarcastically. He rolls his eyes and throws the blanket off himself, stretching his arms.
"You must be exhausted," he says, frowning. "With all the jet lag."
I shake my head, even though I am. "I'm fine."
He raises a sceptical eyebrow. "So you don't want to go to bed?" He asks. I blush again, and I know it's visible on my face.
"No, I mean- I will, yeah."
Goh smiles, suddenly seeming a bit nervous too. He turns off the TV and stands up, so I follow his lead, through the kitchen area and through the door into his bedroom. I pause in the doorway, the image of Tokio living here invading my brain suddenly. I had forgotten until now, but now that I've remembered, I can't help realising he lay right there with Goh, for years.
"What's wrong?" Goh asks, frowning again. I remind myself silently that I shouldn't be jealous. I don't have the right to be.
"Nothing," I say, and step inside.
"Here," he says, handing me a toothbrush. "It's a spare one. I've never used it, I promise."
I laugh. "Thank you."
He turns and rummages through a drawer for a second before pulling out a dark t-shirt and sweatpants, handing me those, too. "You can wear these, if you want. Oh, and feel free to shower, if you want to. There's towels in there."
My heart is going wild in my chest. I reach out and take the t-shirt. I'm not an awkward or shy or nervous person, and I'm trying not to feel any of those things, but somehow Goh just brings them out of me. I smile and walk through into the connected bathroom, the door shutting behind me. Alone, I take a deep breath.
Maybe taking a shower is a good idea. I take a quick one, then dress in the clothes he gave me, drying my hair with the towel as best as I can. It's still damp, and I mess it with my hand in the mirror, trying to make it behave.
I step back out again. Goh's sitting against the headboard, scrolling on his phone. He looks up as I enter, and I see him turn away quickly, hiding his face.
I cross the room, drawn towards him, nerves be damned. I hear his breath catch as I get on the bed beside him, moving to hover over him, hands either side of his head. I lean in, our lips locking. He sighs against me, relaxing, his jaw moving in time with mine. I melt into him, tasting the tea in his mouth.
He pulls away slightly. "You're damp," he mutters against me, and I laugh, sitting back. He moves away from under me, and I stop myself from dragging him back towards me.
"I'm gonna shower. Don't fall asleep when I'm in there," he pleads with me, backing up into the bathroom. I sit there, eyes closed, listening to the sound of the shower running, waiting patiently for him.