okay this is for real the last one for today I need to read over the others and I might post them tomorrow <3
also this chapter is from Goh's POV. I felt I needed to get his point across before the end :3
Goh's POV
Touching down in Kanto has never felt so fucking grim. I spent the entire flight staring out the window, which Chloe let me have without arguing, weirdly. Maybe she could sense there was something up with me
And there's definitely something up. Big time. Everything is completely, totally, utterly fucked.
Part of me knew when Gary invited me to the wedding that I would have to see Ash again. Being the stubborn asshole that I am, though, I blocked it out, and didn't let myself think about it until he was right there. There are no words I could ever come up with to describe how I felt when I saw him for the first time again. It was like every repressed emotion from the last eight years surged forward all at once, bowling into me, and it took all of my effort just to stay calm. Imagine loving someone from a distance for eight years, and then they're right in front of you.
I almost wish I'd never gone, even if it had upset Gary. I was in a place where I was okay, and now I feel like I've relapsed so hard I actually feel worse than I did eight years ago, and I hadn't even thought that possible.
It's Ash's fault for looking like that. I can't even stand to be beside him most of the time, unless I'm drunk. It just reminds me how far out of my league he is. He's the kind of guy that everyone wishes they looked like, and he doesn't even realise it. It's not fair.
It's been hell being beside him for the past week. The moment I saw him in that motel during the storm, I knew I was fucked. I had managed to avoid him, or shut off my emotions, for the most part. That night, though, I let it slip. I let myself feel. I didn't think it could possibly be as bad as it was, but the moment I got into bed beside him, it all came flooding back in.
How can I possibly still be in love with someone I haven't seen in eight years?
Will I ever not be in love with him at this point?
All of the anger I held dissolved right then and there. I knew that, if I spent any more time with him, I'd feel exactly the same as I did when we were thirteen, and I was right. Yet I couldn't help myself. I had put on a cold facade the next morning, but I barely made it to Vermillion when Chloe called, and I caved right away. She didn't even need to try to convince me. I got on the first plane to Galar.
I wanted to hate Ash. I wanted it because it would be easier than loving him. Loving him, knowing I couldn't have him, killed me inside. It is killing me inside.
I could try to avoid him when he was on TV, or in magazines, or whatever. Sure, I still saw him a lot, and every time I did I had horrible, horrible thoughts. I couldn't stop thinking about how he was probably happier without me. I knew he'd had girlfriends. I'd seen him with them on social media, even though I actively tried to avoid any mention of him online. He was just everywhere. Every time he got a new girlfriend, or did anything, it was right there, in my face.
And then he was there himself, in my face. He was so different, and yet the same, somehow. I was so drawn to him. I liked having him around, even when we were arguing. Even when I saw him making out with someone else. It broke my heart, realising that I still loved him, and still couldn't have him. I was realising that I'm stuck in a cycle that I'll never get out of, but also that I'm going to let myself endure it, because it's better than him being gone again.
After the first night in Galar, everything felt like a dream. I think I let go of reason, and let myself live in a dream world for a few days, where I thought it was okay to sleep in the back of the truck with him, or in bed with him in Spikemuth. Obviously, I know now that none of that was a good idea. I was inadvertently adding to my own suffering every day.
Especially that night at the bar in Hammerlocke. I was drunk, but I remembered everything the morning after, somehow. I remembered the way his hand felt in my hair. I remembered the way our shoulders had brushed together as we sat in the booth, and how everything had felt so electric. I remembered staring into his eyes, and thinking about kissing him, and barely stopping myself.
In those moments, my brain would shut off, and stop telling me that I couldn't have him. It didn't matter, because he was there, and he was touching me, and we were together again, like we always should have been.
I almost slipped, a few times. That night on the bridge, when he told me he was gay, I was so shocked I almost choked, but managed to compose myself. My heart had been racing so fast I was worried he'd actually hear it. To hear those words, years after convincing myself there was no way he wasn't straight so I had no chance, made me feel things I've never felt before. It made me wonder: If we'd stayed friends, and stayed as close as we were, would we have happened, one day?
But he didn't love me back. He admitted as much on the Galar Hurricane. I thought that getting it off my chest would make me feel better, and it kind of did, but it also made me feel hollow and numb, because I thought I could handle the truth when I couldn't.
Now we're half a world away again. Unova couldn't really be further away from Kanto. He'll be sitting in his room with his roommate, probably completing coursework or studying for university. Or maybe he'll go out with the friends he no doubt has there. Maybe he'll meet someone, or maybe he already knows someone, and they'll kiss, or-
I'm torturing myself. I tell myself over and over again, he's not mine. I have no right to be jealous.
Yet I am. Burning, furious jealousy follows me everywhere I go. I want to show up in Unova, tell him that I lied, and I'm still in love with him and probably always will be, and kiss him until my jaw hurts.
I don't really speak much for the first day back. Professor Cerise tried to talk to me about research he'd conducted while I was away, but I was too zoned out to really pay attention. Chloe tried to talk to me too, and I felt bad for not having the energy to spend much time with her, because she was probably lonely since Dawn had to visit her mom in Sinnoh for a few days.
I think about going to visit my parents. I wonder if getting away for a few days would help clear my mind. Then again, I think all I want is to be alone for a few days, to sort through my thoughts and work out what I'm going to do about the fact that I agreed to visit Ash at some point in the next few weeks, but I don't want to see him again.
I feed the Pokémon in the lab late, almost forgetting to do it entirely, then head back to the apartment I live in. There's just me now that Tokio is gone, so it's always quiet.
He had lived with me for a year, but I think we both knew from the start that something was missing. It was a distraction for me, and it's not that I didn't like him. I just didn't love him. I feel like I'm cursed, doomed to never love anyone, because nobody else is Ash, and nobody ever will be. Part of me wishes I'd never met him, because how are you supposed to love someone else when you've fallen in love with someone like him first?
I throw my keys on the table and flop down on the sofa, sighing. The traffic outside is the only sound I ever hear in here, unless I turn on the TV. It didn't bother me before, but now it seems so lonely I just want to curl up and sleep. I turn the TV on and flick through the channels aimlessly, wondering what Ash is up to. I wonder if he's made it to his dorm yet.
Memories of Tokio breaking up with me come flooding back when I look to the door, and remember him standing there, waving his arms wildly at me. It was the first and only time we shouted, so loud I knew the neighbours would hear us. It happened like this:
We'd been quiet with each other for a couple months, but neither of us acknowledged it. Secretly, I knew we were reaching boiling point. I knew that he knew I wasn't feeling it. I wanted to tell him, but that meant he'd leave me, and I'd be alone. I hated the thought of being alone. It terrified me, so I stayed with him, even though it was selfish.
Then one day he'd gotten back from a project. He'd been gone for a few days. Obviously, it was nice to see him again, but I guess I didn't give him the reaction he'd expected. He got moody, and wouldn't speak to me, and spent most of the day in the bedroom on his own.
Then he came out, and I was sitting on the sofa, knees up to my chest, on my phone. I wasn't doing anything in particular, just scrolling social media, but as he walked past I scrolled past an article about Ash, and my heart did the familiar flip it did every time I was forcefully reminded of his existence.
I looked up and noticed he had a suitcase, and was pulling it to the door angrily. I sat upright, confused. "Where are you going?"
"I'm leaving," he said simply.
"Leaving to where?" I asked stupidly.
"No, Goh. I'm leaving you."
Oh. I stared at him, unsure what to say, and wondering why I didn't feel any sort of panic, or upset. Truthfully, I think I knew it was coming. "Why?"
"Because you're obviously in love with someone else," he said bitterly, starting to move towards the door. That caught my attention and I stood, intercepting him, my hand on his wrist.
"What are you talking about?" I asked defensively.
"I'm talking about Ash."
My heart sank deep into my stomach. We'd never talked about Ash before. It almost felt like taboo, and I didn't want to give him any reason to suspect I had feelings for him. Despite never mentioning him, he still knew. I dropped his wrist and he glared at me, waiting for me to argue, but I couldn't, because he was right.
"That's what I thought," he snapped, turning away from me.
"It's not like you're any better," I sniped. It was a low blow, I know, but I was upset, my mind going back to eight years ago. Thoughts of Ash made me hurt so much. "You flirt with someone new every week. You do it in front of me."
"Because I want some sort of reaction from you!" He shouted, throwing his arm up.
"That's really mature." I rolled my eyes.
"Coming from you," he scoffed. "You're in love with someone that probably doesn't even remember you exist!"
His words struck me like a knife in the chest, and I stared blankly at him for a second, shocked. "Shut up," I said, shaking my head. "You don't know what you're talking about."
"Oh, I think I do," he snarled. "He's moved on with his life, Goh. Why can't you?"
I couldn't find any words. The anger had turned into hurt and I was trying pathetically not to let tears gather in my eyes. Tokio stared me down, knowing he'd won the argument, and I wanted the floor to open up and swallow me, saving me from this nightmare. When I didn't speak, he turned away again, pulling the door open, walking out, and slamming it shut behind him, leaving me standing frozen to the spot in silence.
I sat on the carpet and cried, my face in my hands. I cried because he was right. Ash had moved on. He was living his life, and I was living as a ghost of my former self, constantly reliving the past, never able to let it go. Now I'd wasted another three years of my life, and lost someone I could maybe have worked with, because I couldn't pull myself together enough.
It should have been a turning point in my life. It should have been the catalyst I needed for changing my life, but I let it slip by, and instead spent my time sulking in bed for weeks, crying until I had nothing left to give.
And now look at what I've done. I've reignited the flames, and they're burning stronger than ever, eating me alive.
When I go to bed, I dream I'm in the hotel in Spikemuth. Ash is coming out of the bathroom, rubbing his hair with a towel, then throwing it on the back of the chair. I watch him shake out his damp hair, then try to look away before he catches me staring but fail.
Neither of us speak. He crosses over to the bed and sits on the edge of it. I don't know how, but I know we're best friends again, somehow. I edge forward and start to push playfully up the back of his oversized shirt, my heart pounding against my ribs. I expect him to laugh, or tell me to knock it off, but instead he grabs the bottom and pulls it over his head.
My face burns as he turns to face me, shirtless now. It's impossible not to look down at his chest, and how toned he is. I can hardly breathe, and start to slide back on the bed, putting some distance between us, but he follows me, crawling on to lean over me as I come up against the wall behind me, breathing hard.
I open my mouth to speak, but he leans down and kisses me, stealing the words away. My heart is beating so fast I think I might actually die. Nerves have my body trembling beneath him, and I forget, for a moment, how to kiss someone.
I'm burning up. I reach up and run my hand up his chest and neck to his jaw, holding him against me as I finally pull myself together enough to kiss him back. Then he shifts his leg, pressing his knee into the gap between my legs, and my breath catches, making me jump.
I sit upright, waking up abruptly. My skin is on fire, damp with sweat and tingling. I'm in my apartment. I'm alone. It takes a moment to catch my breath, and I shake my head, trying to clear my head.
It's official- I really need space to sort my life out. I manage to sleep again, but in the morning I repack my case, and call Chloe, telling her I have a research project. I tell her it's at the Lake of Rage, so I don't have to lie about which region I'm in. I've rarely ever visited Johto, so it'll be a good excuse to travel on my own, without anyone wanting to follow me. I don't know if being on my own will help, considering I'm mostly on my own anyway, but I have to try.
Instead, I spend a week in a strange mental state. It's like a permanent panic attack. I'm filled with anxiety, and I hate it. Everything feels wrong. It's like I can never quite catch my breath, or calm down. I stick it out, hoping that by the end, it'll have helped, at least a little.
I think about Ash less while I'm driving around Johto, but the second I'm in a hotel, or Pokémon Centre, he's there again, invading my brain.
On the day I'm supposed to return, I get stuck in New Bark due to a freak storm, bordering on a hurricane, just like the one in Galar. To make things worse, I left my phone charger in the last hotel I stayed in, and now it's dead. Chloe's probably stressed out, wondering why I'm not back. Or maybe she'll call Danika, and figure out I lied to her, and then I'll need to explain the real reason. She's my best friend, but I still haven't told her about my feelings for Ash. I don't know her number by heart, or I'd call her from the hotel phone.
After spending the night in the hotel room alone, watching the rain from the window, I wake the next morning feeling surprisingly good. For the first time this week, I didn't think about Ash when I woke up, and I didn't dream about him when I slept. It's a small win, but gives me hope that I'll be okay.
The storm is still raging outside, so I spend another day in the hotel room, watching movies on the small TV, and ordering takeout. Again, when I sleep, I don't dream about Ash. I still think about him when I wake up, and feel a strange tug, like someone has a string tied around my heart and is pulling it, back in the direction of Vermillion, strangely.
The storm has passed, so I check out and start to drive back to Vermillion, ignoring the strange feeling in my chest that's making my heart race for no apparent reason. It only takes a few hours to drive back, so I don't make any stops, wanting to get back to Chloe to let her know I'm okay.
When I pull up outside the laboratory, there's a motorbike I don't recognise parked out front. I ignore it though, and walk up the steps, looking inside to see if anyone's there, but the hallway is empty. I push open the door and look around, but it's totally silent.
"Hello?" I call out, the door swinging shut behind me. "Chloe?"
I hear someone standing from the dining room, and the sound of a chair scraping against wood as it's pushed back. I walk towards the doorway, ready to explain myself, when in a split second, there's arms around me, pulling me into a hard chest tightly, until I almost can't breathe. Shocked, it takes me a minute to realise I recognise his scent.
My heart jumps quickly into my throat. I hang limp in Ash's arms, wondering if I'm dreaming, because he can't be here. It's not possible.
I pull away, eyes wide as I look up into his, and see it's real, and he's here. I take a step back, nerves suddenly taking tight hold of me, the dream from days ago resurfacing, making my skin burn. Fuck. I was just starting to feel okay.
"Ash," I choke out. "What are you doing here?"
"Chloe called me and said you were missing. I just got here, I- Where were you?" He's breathless, like he's been panicking. My heart clenches painfully in my chest. I'm still in shock that he's here, in the lab, for the first time since we were thirteen.
"I was in Johto," I say feverishly. "I got stuck because of a storm. I- I couldn't call. You... You came all this way?"
"Of course," he says, like it should be obvious he'd do that. He must have gotten the first plane here, and sat through fifteen or more hours of flight, to be here, all because Chloe called him and said I'd been gone for a day longer than I should have been.
"Did you really have a mission in Johto, then?" He asks, tilting his head, confused. I curse myself in my head for coming up with such a stupid lie. It was never supposed to go this far.
"No," I admit, sighing. "I just wanted some space. My brain was kind of fried. I didn't mean to worry anyone- I'm sorry."
"I'm just glad you're okay." He sighs, smiling. "I have to let her know you're here," he says, pulling out his phone. I can't help but stare in awe, unable to accept the fact that he's here.
I zone out as he talks briefly to Chloe on the phone, pacing back and forward in the hallway. When he's done, I start to think maybe I should apologise again. He's come all this way because I was careless, and didn't want anyone to know where I am. He's probably annoyed, and-
He turns to face me, his gaze so intense it stops me dead. "We need to talk," he says sternly, his face hard and cold. Dread rises into my throat, and I have to swallow hard before I can speak again.
"Okay," I say nervously. Have I done something wrong? Has someone told him something? I have no idea why he's looking at me like that, but I can't look away, either.
"Come with me," he says, heading for the door. On edge, I follow him, trying hard to control my breathing. It's then that I see him pull out keys from his pocket, and realise the motorbike is his. I didn't even know he could ride one.
"You have a bike? I- Are we going on that?" I ask incredulously, hesitating on the bottom step. Ash grabs the helmet hanging on the handlebar and hands it to me, frowning.
"I do at Pallet, but I rented this one when I thought I was gonna have to come looking for you. My car is in Pallet and I didn't want to have to go back for it." He smiles sheepishly. "I won't take you far, I promise." He turns back to the bike and climbs on, obviously waiting for me to put the helmet on and get on behind him, but that means I'll be pressed against him, and what if he feels how hard my heart is pounding? He watches me hesitate and frowns again. "There's something I really have to tell you."
I think I'm going to be sick, both from nerves, butterflies and excitement all at once. I don't know what he could possibly have to say, but I pull the helmet over my head and walk towards him, giving in. Something in my chest explodes as I climb on, wrapping my arms around his middle as he starts up the bike.
I have no idea what to expect, but something tells me that after today, everything will be different.
sorry if i made anyone think there was gonna be some intense drama with goh or someone had kidnapped him or something xD he's just a stressed out baby and Ash could sense that too <3