The next morning, Marnie comes to wake me up like she said she would. The realisation that this is my last day in Galar with everyone dawns on me, and I can't help but feel under the weather. It's funny how I didn't want to come at first, and now I don't want to leave.
Marnie sits in the front with me on the ride to Wyndon. We stop for food along the way, but otherwise I just keep driving, and keep quiet, only speaking when one of the others asks me a question. I think everyone can tell something's up with me, but they probably assume I'm still bothered about Bede last night.
Wyndon is busy when we arrive. I end up stuck in traffic for forty minutes before reaching the hotel. It's the same one we stayed in on the first night. I don't want to waste the last day, but I just don't have the energy to do anything, so I park up at the hotel and drag the luggage out. I have to take the truck back sometime this evening, but for now I check in and take my stuff up, speaking very little to the others.
I've been in my room for a few minutes before Marnie knocks on the door. I know it's her because the others are gentle knockers, whereas she pounds on the door without a care.
"Come in," I call out. I'm typing out a reply to Misty, who's just seen the articles and is texting me, rightly confused, asking how Dawn even managed to convince me to go, never mind be friends with Goh again. I know Gary will be pleased to hear we're speaking again, and he no longer needs to feel torn between us.
Marnie opens the door but doesn't come in, just peeks her head around the corner. "Hey. I was thinking we should probably go on a date later. Obviously not a real one, but you know."
I sigh through my nose. I want to spend the last day with Goh, but I can't, because it will only add fuel to the fire. I've already seen whispers about Marnie and I online. The picture of us in Ballonlea is out there. Besides, this is the last day I have to convince people about Marnie, and it's the perfect place to do it, too. "Okay. Wherever you want to go."
"Alright. Come get me at eight," she says, and closes the door again. I have peace for all of two minutes before there's another knock, this time gentler, and I actually get up to answer the door.
It's Dawn. She walks right past me, not waiting to be invited in. "I got you a present," she says quickly. She's holding something behind her back. I shut the door but stay frozen on the spot, waiting. She holds out her hands, and there's a ticket in them.
"What is it?" I ask.
"A ticket for the Galar Hurricane." She passes it to me, and I look down at it, confused. The Galar Hurricane is the giant ferris wheel on the western side of the city that's so tall it looks right out over the whole city, and you can see it from almost every street.
Dawn looks so serious it's actually stressing me out a little. "I booked a whole pod out for you, so no one else will be in with you, and the glass is reflective on the outside, so no one will be able to see you. Nobody will be able to bother you there."
I think I understand where she's going with this. "Dawn-"
She shakes her head. "This is your last chance for a while, Ash. Tell him how you feel. If you don't, you'll regret it. You-" She takes a deep breath. "You deserve the happiness Goh can give you. You're perfect for one another. Please." She reaches out and grabs my free hand in both of hers. "The ride lasts half an hour. Use it."
I can hardly breathe. I actually think I might cry. I'm so grateful for her, but I'm not sure I can bring myself to do what she's asking of me. I know she's only trying to push me to do what she thinks is right, but how can I tell him how I feel?
I have a couple of hours before Marnie expects me to take her out for our 'date'. I should probably get changed into something nicer, and fix my hair. The idea that something like that might be said so soon is making my palms sweaty, and anxiety builds in my chest. The butterflies in my stomach are making me feel nauseous. If I feel like this when I see him, I'm not sure I'll even be able to speak.
"He's gonna be waiting there for you. I told him all four of us are going on in half an hour, so you'll have to make up an excuse for me and Chloe, okay?" She squeezes my hand.
"Thank you, Dawn." I manage to force a smile. "I can't promise I'll tell him, but I really appreciate this."
She smiles back up at me in her mischievous way before walking past me. "Pikachu, are you coming?"
I hadn't even thought about Pikachu. Honestly, I wouldn't care if Pikachu was there or not, but he nuzzles my cheek before hopping onto Dawn's shoulder, and the two of them leave together, and I'm alone. It'll take about ten minutes to walk to the Galar Hurricane, so I spend the next twenty minutes finding something nice to wear, and making myself look as nice as I can, and smell as nice as I can. Goh's probably going to think something's going on when I turn up, but honestly, maybe that's for the best. If he can figure out what I'm trying to say without me having to say it, then that saves me the embarrassment.
When I leave, I feel so nervous that my legs start to tremble a little. I've never been this nervous, not even before the PWC, or any battle afterwards. Not even before any of my TV appearances. I'm so nervous that my brain is shutting off in defence mode, and I'm starting to doubt whether I even want to show up at all.
I start to walk slowly, unconsciously stalling, and I barely make it in time. When I get there, I see Goh walking on, looking around anxiously, wondering where we all are. I jog over, getting there just as the operator is about to close Goh in on his own. I wave my ticket, and he takes it, ignoring me doubling over, catching my breath. Then he waves for me to go in, and I step inside. It's pretty big- big enough to fit at least fifteen people comfortably, and yet there's just me and Goh.
He looks up at me as I step on, and sighs with relief. Then he notices there's no one behind me, and the door shuts behind me, and I see the confusion in his eyes. I swallow hard, trying to force myself to speak, but my jaw is suddenly sealed shut, and I can't even move from the spot to take a seat.
"Ash? Where's Dawn and Chloe?" Goh asks, tilting his head. I finally move, going to sit beside him.
"Chloe got sick, so Dawn stayed behind to look after her," I lie, hoping it's at least a little convincing. He seems to buy it, and we start to move, slowly ascending up into the sky.
At first we sit in silence, both staring ahead out of the glass walls of the pod down to the river below. There's a tension in the air, and I know he can feel it too. There's so many unspoken words hanging in the air between us that I know he can sense something's up. After a minute he turns to face me, and the breath whooshes from my lungs as my throat closes up and my stomach flips all at once. There's a change in the air. I can feel it. I think no matter what's said now, things will never be the same once we leave here.
"I need to tell you something," he says. My heart drops to the floor.
"Okay," I manage to say, despite my chest tightening so much I can't breathe.
He sighs, and turns his whole body to face me, pulling his knees up to his chest and resting his feet on the bench. I mirror him, sitting the same way so I can face him, because it feels like whatever he's about to say, I should be looking at him when he does.
He takes a deep breath, and I notice how nervous he is. He's got his arms wrapped around his knees, but he's wringing his hands together, and can't seem to sit still. Just when I thought my own nerves couldn't get any worse, they do.
"I want to tell you about eight years ago," he starts, but then hesitates. I nod, prompting him to go on. I'm trying not to breathe heavily through my nose, but it's not working. "We were inseparable, right? Well, one night I heard my mom talking to my dad, saying she thought it might be unhealthy for me to be so reliant on one person."
I think I've stopped breathing altogether now. "Okay," I say, waiting for the rest.
"Well I didn't see it that way at first. It was almost hard to tell where I ended and you began, we were that close. But I..." He takes another deep breath. "I loved how comfortable we were with each other, but whenever we hugged, or touched, or that one time we held hands, it..." His jaw starts to tremble a little, and for a second I think he's going to cry. My whole body is frozen, waiting for him to finish, like time has frozen for me. "It was different for me. I... There were things I was feeling that I knew you weren't."
For a moment I relive the memories of all the times we touched, just because we didn't care. I imagine us, as carefree thirteen year olds again, and how we'd be standing at the glass of this ferris wheel, my arm thrown over his shoulder, pointing out all of the big buildings, or Wyndon Stadium, or boats on the river. If only I could go back and tell myself that this is where we'd be eight years later. Two twenty-one year olds, sat facing each other on this bench, trying to get back to where we were. I would never have believed it even if I could.
"I guess what I'm trying to say, Ash, is that you were how I figured out I was different from most other people."
My jaw falls open, and I try to find something to say, but my heart is pounding so hard it's in my throat, and I can't speak, I-
"I was in love with you, Ash."
The world stops for a moment. The words pass over my head, almost not registering. I choke out the breath I've been holding, but Goh carries on, not noticing the way his words have affected me, or the tears pricking at the corners of my eyes.
"I pushed you away because I was afraid you'd figure it out, and think everything we'd ever done was weird, or that I had some ulterior motive for the contact. I... I pushed you away because I didn't think I could ever have you, and it was fucking killing me. I know we were kids, but it was... It was real."
The way I feel right now, I think that he must be my soulmate, one way or another. I can't imagine it being a single other person on this planet. I start to push forward, because I want to close the distance between us and kiss him, and my nerves are nothing compared to the adrenaline coursing through my veins, making me bold, and I'm so close to doing it when he speaks again.
"It took years for me to get over you," he says quietly, turning away, and I freeze, one hand on the bench behind me, ready to move. Get over you. The words repeat over and over in my head, crushing my heart in my chest, which starts to slow down, the adrenaline sinking away.
"Once I did, I wanted to be friends again, but I didn't know how. I thought you'd be too angry, or wouldn't care at all anymore."
He's still speaking, but the words are starting to jumble together, because I've lost focus, all the life seeping out of me. I haven't spoke in a while, and I know I need to say something, but-
"Just tell me you didn't feel the same," he says breathlessly, shaking his head. "Then I can make peace with everything."
I tense my jaw to hide the fact that it's shaking violently, the tears making a lump in my throat so big it's choking me. "I didn't," I say.
But I do now. Say it, Ash.
He nods, smiling wistfully down at his knees. "Okay. Well, that makes me feel a bit better, I guess. I'm sorry for ruining the mood. I just really needed to tell you the truth."
I don't think anything has ever affected me as much as his words in the last ten minutes. No loss, or heartache, or goodbye I've ever encountered before ever felt this harsh. My heart is breaking open in my chest, and I wish I was anywhere else but here, because it's so hard to hide my emotions.
I'm so fucking stupid. How could I have been so blind? He loved me, but he doesn't anymore. He's moved on, and now I'm in the position he was in all those years ago; infatuated with a person I can't have. I understand everything now. It's clear as day. If this had been me eight years ago, I'd have pushed him away too, because this feeling... I don't know how anyone lives with it. I don't know how anyone gets over something like this.
"Ash?" He's speaking again. "Are you okay?"
I inhale sharply. "Yeah," I manage to say, and force a smile. "Just processing everything, I guess."
"Fair enough. I'm sorry for dropping that on you. I hope it doesn't make you feel weird."
"It doesn't," I reply, shaking my head. I look out over Galar. We're at the top now, and the sun is setting over the river, casting a beautiful hue of coral over the horizon, reflecting off the water. "I'm glad you told me."
A strange panic starts to grip my body, and I feel the urge to run. I want to get out of here, but we have another fifteen minutes. Goh swings his legs back over the side of the bench and stands, crossing the floor of the pod to stand at the glass and look out over the view. I want to go and join him, but I'm stuck to the bench, weighed down by the heaviness of his words, and my heartbreak, and regret.
People have always called me dense about this sort of thing, and I am. It's no wonder it's taken until now to see it.
He should have told me he loved me. I think that might have made me realise I've loved him all along, too.
And unlike Goh, I haven't gotten over it. I've only sunk deeper in it.
I watch him, the sunset casting shadows over the pod but lighting him up. He turns to face me again. We're already starting to descend, and it'll only be a few minutes until we're getting out and heading back to the hotel.
"Can I come visit you in a few weeks?" He asks, and he seems... sad.
"Of course," I say. I imagine him showing up one day and telling me he's met someone, or gotten back with Tokio. I think that would kill me, if the constant wondering if he's with someone else doesn't get to me first. It hurts more knowing that I'm going to spend months, if not years, suffering through this heartache, because god knows I'm not getting over him.
He's still watching me, and I feel the urge to say something, even if it's not what I originally planned to say. I smile, hoping it doesn't look too sad, and stand up. "You're my favourite person," I say.
He seems shocked. I watch his eyes widen as he stares back at me. "Over Dawn?"
I nod, still managing to smile somehow. Then he flies towards me, arms open, and throws them around my neck, pulling me in for a hug. For a second fireworks explode across my skin, but then they fizzle out, and leave me feeling empty and sad. I bury my head in his shoulder and close my eyes, trying my best not to burst out crying.
I can handle this, I keep telling myself in my head, but I'm kidding myself. I'm hanging on by a thread.
When he pulls away, we're reaching the ground again, and the door is starting to open. We only have a short window to step out, so as much as I want to cling to him, I can't. We step out together, the ground swaying a little beneath me. Goh sticks his hands in his pockets and whirls to face me, smiling. "I need some fresh air. You coming with me?"
I shake my head. "I have to do something with Marnie."
"Oh," he says, disappointed. These are our last few hours together. I should ditch Marnie, and say to hell with the rumours, but I don't know if I can cope. "I'll see you later, then?"
"Yeah," I say, smiling painfully back. "See you."
We turn in opposite directions, and walk away from one another. The second I turn away, the tears start streaming, and I wipe furiously at my eyes, angry at myself for letting it get this far. What did I expect?
I walk as fast as I can back to the hotel. Pikachu is still with Dawn, and for now I don't go to collect him. I don't even let anyone know I'm back. Instead I kick off my shoes and crawl under the covers, lying in a fetal position.
I pull my phone from my back pocket, the screen unbearably bright under the covers, and type out a text to Marnie, telling her I can't go tonight anymore, because I'm sick. I was going to go, but to hell with the rumours. Why should I care, anyway? I lock the phone again and lie in the dark, feeling completely numb.
I go through all the things I would have said in my head:
I think you might be my soulmate.
I want you to stay in my life.
I want to grow old with you.
I love you.
I love you.
I love you.