"It's four in the morning,
And I don't wanna cry but I need you here cause I'm a mess."
─── ･ ｡ﾟ☆: *.☽ .* :☆ﾟ. ───
NADIA'S POV:
As soon as I got back from college I went straight to bed and I haven't really moved since and it's been a couple of days. It has been quite embarrassing to say the least as my mum had to bring in bed pans just so I could go to the toilet. I thought that pissing and shitting in front of my mother was something I left behind when I got out of nappies. I haven't moved because I have been in too much pain to do so, it got so bad that my parents even considered ringing an ambulance because they thought I was dying. I also thought I was dying.
I have never been so scared in my life. My whole body was on fire; my head was pounding, my heart was racing and I couldn't make one bit of movement without an immense cry ripping out of me.
It is my own fault why I am so bad now because I did too much at the fair and it's all catching up to me now because I thought I could handle it, which I need to stop doing.
As soon as Corey left I knew that it was because of me and it wouldn't leave my mind, so I did everything I could to try and forget what was happening between us. I tailed along after everyone, went on every ride they went on and had as much fun as I could, but it really is hard to have fun when your body likes nothing more than to remind you how sick you really are. If I didn't have so much pain, I would've enjoyed the night so it really is a shame.
I have been sending Corey numerous text messages over the last few days asking where he has been because he hasn't been round here, round here since I've been awake anyway. All of my texts went unanswered and I can't help the anxiety flowing through me of thoughts of him with another woman.
Willem walks into my room to put my snack on the table before he goes to hockey training, where he will see Corey, and I am half tempted to ask him if he will speak to Corey for me but that won't have a good outcome. Today has consisted of me sleeping but I have actually been able to move today and get out of bed so it's come at a good time as I am getting my tonsils out tomorrow.
"Where has Corey been? Have you two had a lovers tiff?" I ask him, trying to ask him subtly what is going on and he doesn't notice, which is good.
"I'm not entirely sure, he has been acting weird since the fair." Willem thinks back and I hope he can't see that it's because that's where Willem told Corey about Jasper and I.
"Yeah, he left quite early didn't he. Have you spoken to him much?" I question him and he looks up at me with narrowed eyes.
"Why do you care?"
"Fine, I won't care to ask you about your only friendship anymore." I roll my eyes, turning over in bed.
"Yes we have been speaking, but he just seems a bit distant. Maybe he met a girl and that's why he left the fair early." Willem replies casually as if telling me that wouldn't sucker punch me right in the heart.
"Good for him, it's about time he gets someone." I force out, thankful that I am turned away from Willem so he can't see the expression on my face.
"Yeah, it's just slightly annoying he's spending all of his time with her." He admits and I turn to face him, rolling my eyes.
"Aren't you doing the same thing with your girlfriend?" I ask him with my eyebrows raised and his cheeks turn slightly red.
"She's not my girlfriend." He states reluctantly, running his hand through his fluffy hair.
"Okay, Willem." I laugh and he picks up the pillow next to me so he can throw it at my head.
"I need to go to training now, will you be okay?" He asks me and I nod. I will be home alone when he leaves because mum and dad both are out of town tonight for a book signing my mum is doing. My dad always goes with my mum when she does these because he likes to see her achievements as it fills him with joy. I used to tag along with them, but circumstances change.
Like a lot of cases, I would be there if I could.
I look at my phone and see an email from college and immediately sigh as I wish it was something I didn't have to worry about at all. I look at the email and see that it is a copy of my new timetable, which has me going in for half a day on Tuesdays and Thursdays to split it up a bit more. My mum managed to get me a doctor's note a couple of days ago to say I can't handle being in school and that I am being investigated to see what's wrong with me.
I have no idea why the GP signed off on this doctor's note because they aren't investigating what's wrong with me at all, they are just leaving me here to suffer alone and in silence all while saying it's all in my head.
I read what Frank said in the email and he confirms that I have been dropped from my health and social care course, which upsets and eases me both at the same time. I'm at ease because it's one less thing I have to worry about and there's no point in me still being on that course as I wasn't putting anything towards it anyway and I'm upset because it's something I genuinely wanted to do with my life.
One day I was a teenager, who was working towards her future and now I have had to grow into an adult way too soon.
I turn my phone off and put it back under my pillow as I can't take being on it anymore. All my friends are just a contact away, yet not one of them has sent me a quick text message to wish me the best or to even see how I'm feeling.
I know that they might not know what to say to someone in my position, but at least they should let me know that they still care for me and haven't just pushed me to the side completely. It's awfully lonely watching everyone else do good things with their lives whilst I am rotting away in my bed.
I check the time and see that hockey training is nowhere near over so I get my notebook as I haven't looked in it in a short while and open it on a random page near the middle.
You have to do something other than hurt all the time.
This entry is dated from a few years ago and I attempt to shake off the emotion it brings me. I don't remember the context of why my mum said this to me on this specific night. It was probably because of an argument I had with Jasper or something, but reading it back now hits me with an unfamiliar feeling.
Whatever I was going through during this period couldn't have been that serious as I don't remember it now. At the time I probably thought it was the end of the world and things couldn't get any worse than what they were at this point but I was very wrong.
Now I can honestly say that whatever that was, it was something that was going to get better, which is the case for a lot of things in life, such as break ups and feeling sad some days. I probably felt like I was dying at the time and that it was going to be like that forever, but it certainly wasn't. I never expected things to actually get worse than what I felt at that moment, but it did.
Here I am now, things are much worse and I actually can't escape it now. I almost feel dramatic for thinking all this back then because now there is actually no turning back to get to the old me. I want to try and be able to do things but if I say I can't do something then people will tell me to stop using my illness as an excuse and to stop whining about it, but if I turned around and said to someone that I could do something then they will look at me and say I am just looking for attention and faking my illness, say I'm not really sick. I genuinely can never win because no one can see or feel my pain.
My pain doesn't define me, I know that but it sure as hell controls what I do completely.
I reread the words on the page out loud and sigh to myself, "I know, I'm trying."
I close the notebook back up and put it in its hiding place and try my hardest to forget what I just read. I check the time to see that it has been longer than I thought and I realise that I have spent the majority of the past hour staring into space, which is something I do a lot of now.
I'm too tired to drive and I need to rest for my surgery tomorrow, so I order an Uber to take me to the ice rink. I take two of my painkillers so I'm not in too much pain later and then I head downstairs. I make no effort with my appearance whatsoever as I hopefully won't run into anyone that I know, other than Corey.
I want to speak to Corey where he can't run away from me, as he has been avoiding all my calls and text messages for so long now. He needs to talk to me, we need to face what happened and be mature about it, no matter how much it hurts to speak about it.
My Uber gets here and I go downstairs, where my dog is running around the living room with a bone in her mouth as she looks for somewhere to bury it. I make my way to the car and utter a quick greeting to the driver and stay silent the rest of the journey, with my head resting on the window.
I don't know what exactly it is I want to say to Corey but all I know is that I need to talk to him about us. I hate not knowing things and not knowing whether Corey still wants anything to do with me or not is eating away at me.
The driver drops me off and I thank him before I scour the car park for Corey's car. I know he would've driven himself today as he wasn't at mine before training like he usually is. I find it parked in its usual spot and I walk over there slowly, my exhausted legs dragging behind me as the rain soaks me.
Corey has no sense at all so he leaves his car unlocked, which I am thankful for at this moment because it makes things much easier for me. I climb into the passenger seat and close the door, breathing a sigh of relief that I am now sat down and out of the rain. It gets dark early this time of year so it will be pitch black by the time the players get out of training, which will help me to go undetected by everyone but Corey.
I feel like shit so I put in one earphone on a low volume so that I can still hear the therapeutic clash of the rain hitting the car roof. I close my eyes and hope to fall asleep until Corey gets out of training because I still have half an hour to wait.
─── ･ ｡ﾟ☆: *.☽ .* :☆ﾟ. ───
"What the fuck?" A shout from next to me stirs me awake and I am immediately hit with a sharp pain in my back from sleeping sitting up. I look to the driver's seat and find Corey sitting there with his hands pressed to his chest as he tries to calm his breathing down.
"Do you mind being a little quieter, I don't want anyone to know I'm here." I say with a sheepish smile on my face and he stares back at me with no emotion on his face.
"Why are you here?" He asks with eyebrows raised, looking around the car park to see if anyone can see us, but it is dimly lit so they can't.
"I need to talk to you." I reply, taking my earphone out so he can have my undivided attention.
"I don't want to speak to you, please leave me alone." He begs and I feel a little twist in my chest at that.
"I'm not getting out of the car, Corey."
"Then I will, you can sit in here all you like." He says, unclipping his seatbelt but I put my hand on his to stop him and he flinches back as if my touch is scolding him.
"Corey my legs are really fucking killing me today, don't make me get out of this car and chase you down." I order him and he lets out a huff before reluctantly putting his seatbelt back on.
"If your legs hurt then what are you doing in my car instead of being in bed?" He raises his eyebrows at me in question and I shrug.
"I need to speak to you." I repeat
"You could've called or texted me or something, you didn't have to show up here." He offers and I gape at him in shock, feeling sort of angry.
"I have been, you didn't pick up the phone or answer a single text message I sent you." I counter, raising my voice slightly and feel the pain settle itself in the back of my throat.
"Forgive me for being busy, Nadia." He rolls his eyes.
This Corey is the one who is my brother's best friend, not mine and I hate it when he acts like this with me. Yes I deserve it but I can't handle it. Corey is one of the only people who have stuck by me through this and is the only person who I am opening up to fully, I can't lose him because I had a momentary lapse of judgement.
"What have you been busy doing?" I ask, as I am now curious of Willem's theory of him meeting a girl and has been spending all of his time with her.
He looks at me for a moment before responding, "College work. I have hardly been able to get any of it done recently so I took some time to myself to do that."
"Did you manage to do it all?" I ask carefully.
"Nadia, let's quit the small talk. What do you want?" He tells me assertively.
I have no idea how I am going to go about telling him this. I had a whole speech planned in my head but now I am here my mind has gone blank. I regret coming here completely, but I have missed the opportunity to talk to him about this one too many times so I have to push myself to do it, no matter how uncomfortable it may be.
I want me and him and me to work out, I am really starting to fall for him.
"Well I wanted to speak to you the night of the fair but you never came back and then when we were there you left early." I explain, not thinking about what I am saying at all and just letting it all out as I want to be raw and honest with him.
"Well I'm here now. What did you want to speak to me about?" He asks cautiously, he is probably thinking I am going to tell him about Jasper, which I am not going to because he already knows about that and I don't want to be the one to bring it up. I will be quite happy never speaking about that moment again so if he wants to speak about it then he can be the one to start that conversation. I just want to forget it ever even happened and focus on repairing my relationship with Corey.
"I was going to speak to you about us actually," I admit, looking out of the window to see the rain hitting the ground.
"Us?" He repeats and swallows nervously.
"Yeah."
"What about us?"
"I wanted to be official with you, or at least exclusive," I blurt out. "I don't like not having the label as it's confusing me. I have no idea if you're spending time with me because you actually like me or if it's because you feel sorry for me."
"You want to be exclusive."
"Are you just going to repeat everything I say?" I ask him, beginning to get frustrated.
"You want to be exclusive." He repeats again.
"Oh my god, Corey, yes I do." I rush out so that he doesn't start saying it again.
"Sorry, it's just hard to wrap my head around you wanting to be exclusive," He begins, unable to look at me. "Especially considering that the night we were going to have this conversation you slept with another guy. Your ex boyfriend of all people."
As much as what he is saying to me hurts, I know it's valid. As much as I was thinking about Corey when I was sleeping with Jasper, I wasn't thinking about how it would make him feel if he found out. It's just hard to get out of the loop with Jasper when he is all I've ever known.
I'm just glad the cycle has ended now and I can start a new one with Corey.
"I didn't sleep with him because I wanted to," I start but I see him get angry so I quickly speak again with a wince. "I did."
"Nice." He deadpans.
"Not in the sense that I wanted to have sex with him because it was him," I admit, turning my body in the car seat so that I'm looking at him completely. I want him to be able to see I'm being honest when I tell him this. "I did it because I was lonely and you were in my mind and I just wanted to forget about you. He was just there at the time."
"So you did it because it was easy for you?" He asks and I nod.
"Yes. If it makes you feel any better, I regret it as soon as it happened." I offer.
"Not really because it still happened." He counters and the comment stings my chest slightly so I can't imagine what it must feel like for him to have heard about Jasper.
"If I could go back and erase it, I would." I say and it's true. I wish I could go back in time and change how that night went completely. If I never had even touched Jasper that night then Corey and I would be a lot happier than we are right now. We would be in bed cuddling each other or spending quality time together instead of sitting in this car with only the faint sound of the rain outside to keep us company.
"Well you can't do that." He states miserably.
"No I can't, but I can try and get you to forgive me." I say carefully, unsure of how he will take it.
"I do forgive you," he starts. "It just hurts my heart, like a lot."
"I know and I'm sorry," I mumble and begin to cry. "You have to understand that I was tired and in pain. I wasn't thinking clearly. I never meant to ruin everything. I never meant to ruin us."
"I know, but why are you crying, sweetheart?" He asks, running his thumbs under my eyes to get rid of the tears as they fall.
"I'm scared, so fucking scared." I declare, turning my head away from him but he holds my head with both hands so I am unable to look away from him. I pinch my eyes shut because looking at him hurts as I feel so much for him, but I don't have him.
"Why?" He queries and I'm half tempted not to tell him at all but I need to be honest with him. If I don't start being honest with him then we are destined to fail.
"Because I feel so fucking much for you and it's overwhelming. I want to be able to have you but I have to keep you a secret because my brother will kill us," I rush out. "You're like my pain medication, I crave you at every little pain."
"You have me, you always have." He breathes out, resting his forehead on mine and I'm grateful that it's dark out so no one will be able to see us.
"I'm the least thing you need right now, Corey, but I need you." I admit, brushing my lips against his as I speak.
"Nadia, you are it for me, today and all of my tomorrows." He admits before putting his lips on mine in a light kiss. His lips bring me comfort as I haven't felt them in a few days and I missed the taste of him.
"Good. I only told you this in case I die in surgery tomorrow." I joke before kissing him again.
"You aren't going to die in surgery, Nadia. Don't be dramatic," He rolls his eyes at me. "Come on, let's get you home, you need to rest for tomorrow."
"Good idea, I can't handle being in the car with you much longer, you stink," I mock, pushing him away lightly, He just stares at me with a growing smile on his face. "What?"
"Nothing." He blinks before leaning in to kiss me lightly once more and then drives off.
─── ･ ｡ﾟ☆: *.☽ .* :☆ﾟ. ───