‘Could you try and contact them again, Sir?’
Professor Dumbledore stared thoughtfully at an obviously anxious Sirius over his steepled fingers then sat back and waved towards a hard-backed chair.
‘They will answer in their own time; I would imagine they have a lot to organise at the moment.' The Headmaster watched Sirius pace the floor in front of the fireplace for several seconds then said, 'Do sit down, Mr Black. Wearing a hole in my floor will do nothing to expedite matters.’
Sirius exhaled heavily, but did as he was bid, balancing on the edge of the chair and fidgeting impatiently. He and Professor Dumbledore were waiting for an answer to an earlier Floo to John Lupin, confirming that the Marauders had permission to attend Mrs Lupin’s funeral the next day and double checking the starting time. Sirius had sent his own personal request with the confirmation note, determined Remus would not be by himself.
Sirius checked his watch again. It had only been five minutes since the letter had disappeared into the green flames, but it felt like hours. What the hell was taking so long?
Remus had been gone for three days and already Sirius missed him like he’d been away for a month. He was lonely without Remus and the aching hollow inside him that he only now realised Remus had filled, grew wider and deeper with each passing hour. There had only been one brief contact when Remus had owled Sirius to let him know his mother had passed away just minutes after he’d arrived at the Muggle hospital and asking if his friends would like to attend the funeral. The brunette had slipped the note into his pocket after reading it to James and Peter, and pulled it out to re-read behind his closed curtains at night. He analysed every word of the short missive - Remus’ tightly held control palpable in each neatly written word - and he was surprised by how very much he wanted to be with his friend right now; to hold him and comfort him, even if Remus thought he didn't need him.
Sirius knew that the werewolf would try to go this alone. If there was one thing Sirius Black knew, it was Remus Lupin, and he knew exactly what the other boy would be doing right now. He’d be making sure his father ate, and keeping up with the housework, and seeing that all the relatives had clean sheets and morning tea, and checking that the flowers on the casket were the kind his mother loved the most. What he wouldn’t be doing was eating properly, or sleeping, or thinking about his mother, let alone grieving for her. Remus would be doing what he usually did - looking after everyone else, thinking of everyone else, and neglecting his own needs.
Whether he knew it or not, Remus needed someone to look after him and Sirius only hoped that his friend would let him be the one to do it.
The fireplace flared green and a rolled up cylinder of parchment was spat out onto the stone surround. Sirius, full of nervous energy, was out of his chair before it hit the floor, but Dumbledore gave him a warning look and picked up the scroll himself. He unfurled it, quickly glanced over the parchment then handed it wordlessly to Sirius.
Dear Sirius, James and Peter,
The funeral will be held tomorrow at nine o’clock. Thank you for wanting to pay your respects - mum was very fond of all of you.
Thank you, too, Professor Dumbledore, for allowing my friends to attend and for offering to arrange transport.
Truly,
Remus Lupin
Sirius frowned. The letter was efficient and polite and, even though Remus was both those things, the cool tone of note only made him more concerned about his friend's state of mind...and he had left Sirius’ question unanswered.
He looked up, meeting the Headmaster's clear blue eyes. ‘Professor, what about…?’
Dumbledore held up a smaller tube of parchment. ‘Mr Lupin has enclosed a private message that I assume is for you,' he said, holding out the scroll to Sirius, who snatched it up eagerly and opened it with trembling fingers.
Padfoot,
Dad says it’s alright for you to stay a few days, but I want you to know I’m fine. Don’t feel obligated to keep an eye on me or anything.
It’s all pretty sad here right now and I wouldn’t blame you for wanting to stay away. Thank you for offering though.
Moony
Sirius reread it twice, his heart feeling as though a fist were squeezing it. Remus had done everything to discourage him from staying with him except for flat out refusing him, and hurt tightened his chest. He set his jaw stubbornly and looked up at Dumbledore, who was watching him expectantly.
‘I’ll be staying with Remus until after the Easter holidays, Sir,' Sirius said firmly. 'Could I take some homework assignments with me? Remus won’t want to miss out on anything.’
Dumbledore smiled an approving smile, his eyes twinkling. ‘That is what I expected, Mr Black,' he nodded. 'Professor McGonagall is arranging some lesson plans for you and Mr Lupin to work through.’ He stood up and Sirius absently mirrored him. 'You, Mr Potter and Mr Pettigrew will need to be ready to leave after breakfast in the morning.'
Sirius nodded and crumpled up the dissuading note in his fist, throwing it into the fire on his way out of the Headmaster‘s office.
Whether you want me or not, Remus Lupin, I'm coming.
~*~*~
‘Well?’
‘We can go.’
James had stood when Sirius entered the dorm but with his confirmation that they were all set to go and see Remus, he fell back into the bed.
‘Thank Merlin,' he breathed. 'I’d hate for him to have to do this alone.’
Peter sat down on the bed next to him. ‘He’s not really alone. He's got his dad…’
‘Pete, his dad’s going to be a mess,' James scolded, frowning at the blonde. 'You’ve seen his parents together - it’s almost sickening how sweet they are with each other.’
James' face blanched and he sat up. ‘How sweet they were with each other,' he corrected himself and Peter winced. They had all liked Mrs Lupin.
The frown Sirius had been wearing for the last few days deepened and he sat down on Remus’ bed. The impact of his backside hitting the bedspread sent an invisible cloud of scent into the air, tendrils of perfume wrapping themselves around Sirius. For a moment, he closed his eyes and breathed in the aroma of the friend who had come to mean so much to him. Tears stung his eyes as the earthy, musky scent faded, and he rubbed his palm over the werewolf’s pillow, hoping some of the fragrance that drove him to distraction when they were in close quarters would transfer to his skin, would leech into his pores so he could carry a little piece of Remus with him.
Sweet Circe, I miss him so much.
‘Sirius? Are you alright?’
Sirius nodded, not opening his eyes until he was sure his ridiculous tears wouldn’t spill over, then he told them his other piece of news.
‘I’m going to stay with Remus once the funeral’s over and for the holidays if he’ll have me.’
He looked up to see James and Peter glance knowingly at each other and realised that his friends were already pretty sure that Remus had indeed been having him on a regular basis. They seemed to be silently communicating then James, with a reluctant expression, turned back to Sirius and opened his mouth.
Sirius got in first. ‘Look, you…you’ve obviously worked out that something’s going on with Remus and I,' he said softly, staring down at the stone floor. 'But…I don’t know what it is yet and I don’t want to talk about it. But regardless of anything else that's happened, he’s one of my best mates and I’m not letting him do this alone.’
He chanced a glance up, seeing both James and Peter staring at him then James turned to Peter and heaved a heavy sigh. ‘I suppose it had to happen sometime,' he said with mock seriousness. 'The pup has grown up.’
Peter chuckled and Sirius made a disgusted noise, throwing a pillow at the bespectacled boy who fell off the bed trying to avoid it. Sirius let out a bark of laughter as James landed on his messy, black head then stood up and grabbed his shower kit.
‘I’m going to have a shower then pack some clothes. Dumbledore said we're leaving after breakfast.’
He disappeared into the bathroom and turned the shower on, staring at his reflection in the mirror while he waited for the water to heat up. He was pale and exhausted, and the creases in his brow appeared to have been permanently etched there.
He sighed and mumbled under his breath, ‘A couple of nights without him and I look like shit.’
He felt like shit as well - his stomach was all churned up and his chest ached relentlessly. He missed Remus too much. Far too much to keep trying to convince himself that the werewolf was just a mate he fooled around with when they were randy. The brown-haired, blue-eyed boy was starting to mean something entirely different to him, something a whole lot more frightening, and the realisation was both terrifying and completely thrilling at the same time.
Sirius rubbed a hand across his face, suddenly feeling older than he ever had before. So many changes had occurred in the last year: he’d moved out of home, gotten his own place, discovered a liking for cocks instead of boobs and now suspected that he was developing a crush on one of his best friends who happened to be a boy as well as the most amazing kisser he‘d ever known.
It was all so overwhelming and emotion swirled like a whirlpool - frantic and temptestuous - inside his chest. Whenever he felt like this, like everything was becoming too much, he talked to Remus and felt a whole lot better afterwards. But now…
Don’t mention any of this confusion to Remus. You’re there for him this time. Don’t blow it, Black.
~*~*~
‘Don’t push me, Wormtail!’
‘I didn’t push you, Prongs. You stepped on my foot and…’
‘You shouldn’t have had your big feet in my space…’
‘Merlin, this bloody robe is strangling me…’
‘Shut up the both of you!’
James and Peter clamped their jaws shut and stared at Sirius, who had stopped in the middle of the Lupin's garden path to turn and glare at them.
‘Just cut it out! This is bad enough without having to listen to you two peck at each other like bloody hens.’
‘It’s how they show their undisclosed yet ardent love for each other, Padfoot. Don’t take that release away from them or they’ll be snogging all over the place instead.’
Sirius spun around and saw a pale, but smiling Remus in the doorway of the house. His heart did a high jump in his chest and he smiled back, trying to look sympathetic rather than as if he’d like nothing better than to grab the werewolf and do some snogging of his own. Luckily, the other boys unwittingly came to his rescue, pushing forward to take turns to give Remus a manly hug - a quick, slightly awkward squeeze and a pat on the back before pulling away with an air of relief.
Remus muttered something to them and waved them inside, leaving him alone with Sirius. His gaze fell to the bagful of clothes the brunette held then his eyes lifted to meet Sirius' determined grey orbs.
‘You’re staying,' Remus said softly, not bothering to make it a question.
‘Did you really think I wouldn’t?' Sirius asked, trying to keep his voice light. 'Don’t you know me at all, Moony? Any excuse to get out of a bit of school…’
Remus made a weak attempt at a smile but failed miserably; the strain of the last few days laid bare across his face. Sirius moved closer and put a hand on his arm.
‘How are you, Remus?’ he asked quietly and Remus shrugged, trying for a smile again.
‘Alright,' he lied. Sirius saw straight through the fib and Remus knew it. The werewolf sighed. 'It’ll be better after today. The funeral planning really upset dad…’
'What about you, Remus?'
Remus swallowed hard and bit his lip. 'I...I don't want to talk about it,' he said tremulously, then he looked up at Sirius' face. 'I'm...really happy you...and the others are here.'
Sirius had seen Remus withstand unimaginable pain every month, but never had he seen the werewolf look as broken as he did right now, and he couldn’t stop himself, sliding his arms around the other boy. Remus made a little whining noise and wrapped his arms around Sirius' waist, pulling him close and melting into his embrace. He buried his face in Sirius’ neck and their arms tightened, bodies pressing together from head to knee as their breath warmed each others' skin. After a quick check that they were alone, Sirius pressed his lips lightly to Remus neck then nuzzled his face comfortingly into the side of the other boy‘s face.
‘I’m so sorry about everything, Remus.’
Remus nodded into Sirius' shoulder then took a shaky breath and pulled back, clearing his throat noisily.
‘Come on. We’d better go and save the others from my aunt Joan. I’ll warn you now - stand with your back to the wall. She pinches.’
Sirius chuckled and they walked into the living room just in time to see an elderly woman’s hand sneak down to tweak Peter’s butt.
~*~*~
The funeral was as sad as expected, but, strangely, the final farewell to Mrs Lupin seemed to lighten the sombre mood at the house afterwards. Remus' mother's family and friends drank lots of alcohol, ate lots of cake and told very loud and raucous stories about Mrs Lupin, insisting that the gathering be a celebration of her life.
Sirius sat a little apart from James and Peter and watched Remus as he bustled about the house. The other boy had been stoic at the graveside, standing between his father and grandmother, and had rebuffed Sirius’ every offer of help since they'd returned to the house. He scuttled between the kitchen and living room, tidying up and fetching more drinks and food for the guests.
Sirius saw a concerned looking John Lupin watching Remus as well. The older man frowned then stood up, looking over at Sirius and catching his eye. With a tight smile, he walked across the room and sat down next to the young brunette, offering him a drink of Muggle Scotch.
‘You aren’t technically of drinking age in the Muggle world,' he said, seeing Sirius' hastily disguised look of surprise. 'But you are in the wizarding world and that’s good enough for me.’
Sirius accepted a half glass of the amber liquid and took a gulp, trying not to choke as the liquid burned like Fiendfyre down his throat. Mr Lupin noticed his red face and watering eyes and chuckled.
‘It's not as potent as Firewhiskey but it still packs a punch. Drink it slowly.' He turned to offer James and Peter a drink, both taking the glasses with wide eyes and bringing it to their mouths cautiously. Mr Lupin put down the half-empty bottle and leaned back against the couch. He and Sirius both sipped at their drinks, eyes on their glasses, then John looked over at Sirius.
‘Remus said you decided to stay on for a few days,' he said and Sirius nodded.
‘Yes, sir…if that’s still alright. I don't want to intrude...’
Mr Lupin waved a hand. ‘Of course, it's alright,' he said, his voice a little hoarse. 'You're always welcome and I think it would be good for Remus to have someone...'
The older man's voice trailed off as Remus reappeared. He and Sirius watched as Remus grabbed a handful of glasses before he turned and headed back to the kitchen, the door swinging shut behind him.
Mr Lupin sighed. ‘I’m worried about him, Sirius,' he confided, taking another, larger, sip of his drink.
Sirius turned to look at John, who was still staring at the door Remus had disappeared through. ‘He hasn’t cried,' Mr Lupin said shakily. 'He hasn’t wanted to talk about it at all with me.' He smiled a rueful smile. 'I’m not much use to him, I’m afraid. He and his mother were very much alike and he talked to her when he had a problem. I only came in handy for the ‘birds and bees’ talk which I suspect his mum had to redo anyway because I don’t think I made a whole lot of sense.’
Sirius smiled and they both took a longer pull at the fluid in their glasses before the man continued. ‘I’m glad you’re here, Sirius. He talks a lot about all of you boys, but you and he seem... particularly close.' Mr Lupin cleared his throat and he peered closely at Sirius. 'He wanted you here very much. Even though he wrote that discouraging note, I could see he wanted you to stay.'
Sirius heard the uneasy question in the man’s voice and felt his face flushing.
Hoping the man would put the extra colour in his cheeks down to the Scotch, he said, ‘Remus is my one of my best friends. He lets me dump all my problems on him and doesn‘t complain about what a girl I am. If I can help him at all now, it’ll go some way towards repaying him for everything he’s done for me.’
Mr Lupin stared at him appraisingly then turned away to watch Remus as he juggled the teapot and a teacup while trying to avoid his aunt‘s pinching fingers.
‘Maybe you can get him to slow down and talk about his mother,' he mused. 'I can’t get through to him. Perhaps you'll have more luck.'
Sirius nodded, turning to watch Remus as well. ‘I can try, sir.’
~*~*~
Two hours later as Mr Lupin saw off the last of the guests, Sirius took some dirty dishes through to the kitchen where Remus had been hiding for the last ten minutes. Sirius stopped just inside the door, an alarmingly powerful wave of desire and affection swamping him as he stared at the werewolf. Remus had the sleeves of his white dress shirt pushed up to the elbow, his arms half-submerged in a sinkful of sudsy water as he washed dishes the Muggle way. Sirius' hungry gaze took in the werewolf's strong forearms and the curtain of shaggy brown hair that fell attractively over his eyes, and he cleared his throat, trying to push the libidinous, inappropriate thoughts aside.
‘Wouldn’t it be easier to do it with a spell?’he asked as he approached Remus at the sink.
Remus glanced over at him and shot off a quick, closed mouth smile. ‘Mum hated it when Dad used magic on dirty dishes. She reckoned spells never got them as clean as good old-fashioned soap and h..hot water.’
His voice wobbled a little and he frowned down into the soapy water, focusing all his attention on the foamy white peaks as he scrubbed at a plate.
‘Why don’t you let me do it and go and talk to your dad?’ Sirius suggested but Remus shook his head.
‘I’m fine.’
‘Remus…’
‘I have to do it, Sirius.’
Remus’ sharp tone startled Sirius into silence and he nodded, placing the plates next to the sink carefully. He turned to go, thinking he would give the other boy a little space, when he heard Remus say his name softly. He twisted back around, seeing his friend’s regretful face.
‘I’m sorry, Pads,' Remus said miserably. 'I’m just…’
Sirius shook his head. ‘It’s alright, Moony. I just want to help, but I...I don’t know how. I’m not as good at this stuff as you are.'
Remus picked up a dish towel, wiping his hands as he moved closer, eyes flicking over to the closed door then back to Sirius‘ face.
‘You're helping by being here,' he said softly, colour creeping along his cheekbones. 'I know I tried to put you off in my letter, but I really do want you here. I just...'
He shifted awkwardly. 'I wasn’t sure if you were offering because you thought you had to,' he admitted shyly. 'I don’t want you to feel...obligated because of...you know...what we do.’
Sirius frowned. ‘I asked to stay because I wanted to be here, Remus,' he told the other boy. 'Because I wanted to be with you.’
He seemed to realise how intimate that sounded and colour spread across his face. A little flustered, Sirius glanced over his shoulder quickly to ensure they were still alone and when he saw they were, he reached out and took Remus’ hand. Remus smiled tiredly and squeezed the warm hand in his as Sirius drew him closer, their bodies stopping just short of touching.
'I really wanted to be with you,' Sirius whispered and Remus sighed, some of the tension leaving his body.
‘Thank you, Sirius,' he murmured, twining their fingers together. 'I...really wanted you here.'
Sirius smiled, a flush darkening his already pink face as his chest swelled with joy and his stomach did somersaults. Remus leaned in and hugged him, and Sirius felt dizzy as explosions went off all over his body. He felt weak at the knees as they pressed together and, when Remus' lips brushed as light as a butterfly wing over his cheek, Sirius forgot how to breathe. His heart was pounding fast when Remus pulled away and it skipped a beat when Remus smiled and handed him the dish cloth.
‘You can dry,' he said, gazing at Sirius with an odd expression in his eyes before he turned and moved back to the sink.
Sirius watched him go, blood racing as fast as a speeding broomstick through his veins and his skin sizzling where Remus had made contact. It was then that he realised there was no longer any maybe about it.
He had a crush the size of England on his best friend.
Well, shit.