south carolina
july 1990
***
Vada
//
It's like we're twelve years old again. Sneaking treats and telling secrets under hidden blanket forts.
We pull off every sheet from my bed and gather the chairs from the kitchen. Grams calls us silly. But when two days pass and we still haven't moved from the living room she tells us we better clean up when we're done.
The fort is big enough to fit both Juliet and I. It's quilt-draped and wooden chair sturdy, lit up by multi-colored Christmas lights. They hang above us and twirl around the legs of the chairs legs and in between layers of blankets.
We use flash lights from my grandpa's old garage to read to each other. Whispering the words about unrequited love, and romance we know only happens in fairy tales. We take turns flipping pages of A rose in Winter laughing when we make impressions of the deeply masculine described voices.
My girl eats pretzels as I chew on taffy. She drinks water and I stick to root-beer. We push ourselves up on our elbows and lay on our tummies, feet hanging and swinging behind us.
"Okay, no more stupid gushy romance shit," Her eyes are clear of any makeup and her washed out pink-blonde hair is down and air-dried from the shower.
I turn the flashlight from the pages of the book and shine it on her face. Her cheeks fill with air as she sighs out softly, and her smile is kind of a beautiful sad.
She's been here everyday since we got back from Dallas.
With her boy and his boys gone around the state lines and who knows where else, we've been keeping each other company. But I know my girl, she yearns for her love and every day dawns on her.
I search her face and look from her eyes to her chin to her nose. She's in black boy shorts and I'm in baby blue. She's covered in an oversized sweatshirt and I'm wearing a grey tank.
Her eyes are tired and bloodshot red. Not getting any sleep when Zayn calls at all hours of the night from another state. Mine were the same.
"Is this my future?" She asks herself more than me.
"Always waiting for him to call, and never actually being with him?" Tears brimmed her eyes.
Juliet's clingy in sadness. I knew she wouldn't do well on her own in her house, especially now that her mom was back. We're attached at the hip and I'm glad I can give her comfort. But I knew I wasn't enough.
When she's cried everything she has, we turn on the television and flip through channels until we land on some cheesy game show. Bright blues and yellows wash over the blanket walls of our fort and the volume is on low.
Within ten minutes Juliet dozes off but I'm wide awake.
I've kept myself elsewhere these past few days. Trying to comfort Li in her boyfriend's absence and push any thoughts and troubles of my own away.
But I couldn't help it now as my mind races and everything that happened in Dallas washes over me.
I remembered the state Harry was in at the hotel. How every breath of pain and suffering was familiar. I knew I couldn't deal with it for long, I knew that after a while it would just keep getting worse.
My mind switches and different memories bring up bad thoughts. Images of red hair sprawled out on cold tiled floors. Purple-blue ice cold skin, and the lifeless look I saw in those gray eyes that I will never forget.
I suddenly couldn't breathe. I kick my legs, pushing all of my blankets away standing up on my feet and leave the comfort of our tent. I'm pacing on the wood floors of the living room, scratching at my skin and pulling at my hair.
Thoughts took over and I never learned how to deal with control. So when my heart starts to beat faster, I can't manage the image of the lifeless boy on a random hotel floor as it raids my mind.
"It's my fault," I start to mumble and I'm crying without realizing it. "Stop crying," I tell myself but it's not in my head. I'm mumbling it over and over.
"It's my fault," I say again. It's like I'm looking outside of my body realizing what I'm doing. But I can't do anything to stop it.
My mind keeps racing, my heart keeps pounding and my hair keeps pulling. I'm sweating and my body is too warm. I breathe in and out. In and out. My face tingles. My jaw hurts. My stomach turns and my entire body feels weak.
I walked to the kitchen and over to the sink, leaning over to gulp down water straight from the faucet. I rinse off my forehead and press wet hands against warm cheeks. I remind myself how to breathe: easy, steady, and normal. Water drips from my face, and I look to the clock; it's only two in the morning.
And just when I've calmed myself down only a fraction; the phone rings from across the kitchen.
I'm stuck in my own trace as I stare at it as it rings four times, and then I realize how loud it is. I gather myself and walk over across the cold tiled floor and take it off the hook before it can ring again.
I've woken up to this phone ringing every night for the past four days. Only once it's been Zayn looking for Juliet. But every other time it's been Harry.
Every time he would ask me the same questions because he didn't remember the last time we talked. 'Why did you leave?' and 'Where the fuck are you?'
I place the phone to my ear as I sit down on the kitchen floor, whispering "Harry," into the receiver.
My heart doesn't slow as he says "Hey, strawberry," Like nothing ever changed.
I closed my tear drained eyes and lay my head between my knees. "Where are you?" I asked him first this time, like I wasn't just imagining him unconscious and lifeless somewhere.
"I think we're coming home," He never knows. "I thought you were with me this whole time, I've been looking for you." He kind of almost laughs, and I guess it's kind of a relief.
"I'm where I should be," I told him for the last time. "I have to go, Harry," I swallow down the lump in my throat. I couldn't do this with him anymore.
"Why are you doing this to me?" He asks "I just wanna talk to you. Why did you leave?" His words are repetitive and he's got faded written all over the tone of his voice. He doesn't know what he does to me.
"We can talk when you get back, just enjoy the trip. Don't worry about me." I stand up with shaky knees and go put the phone back on the hook.
"Tell me something before you go," He says before I can hang up. "Anything, just tell me and I swear I won't forget it." He starts to promise in every call.
But every promise and deal and secret has just led to a breaking point bigger than the last. Every crack was just a matter of time until everything shattered. I couldn't keep up, and I couldn't do anything to stop it.
"I don't wanna keep your secrets anymore," Is what I think I say before I hang up.
After every race, my mind starts to ease and it's too tired to think anymore. So with a blank mind I raid my grandmother's medicine cabinet, take a large sleeping pill and force my heavy eyes closed letting my brain shut off.
I fall asleep next to Juliet and every worried thought that takes over my mind seizes like they were never there before.
***
"We should do something today," Juliet says, walking into my room after her shower.
Our four day fort was cleaned up from the living room earlier this morning, and we've finally retorted back upstairs.
"What do you have in mind?" I sit up from my bed, eyes heavy from a dreamless five hour rest.
Emotionally and physically exhausted from last night, I keep quiet on the events and push everything that happened out of my mind. But all morning I felt like I was looking out of a fishbowl lens.
"I heard Misty was having a party at her house later, that could be fun," Juliet drops her towel and leaves wet hair dripping down her bare skin. I toss her a shirt as she pulls her barely there underwear up her legs and throws the shirt over her head.
"Or we could just go to the beach or something," I suggested as I stand up to go through my closet, tossing a few tank tops to the side and digging deeper.
"Is this cute?" I hold up a knitted olive green and black striped halter dress. Juliet nods with bright eyes as she pulls short denim cutoffs up her legs and tucks the front of her oversized shirt in the waistband.
"I don't care what we do, I can't stay inside anymore. It's summer time." She says, running her fingers through damp blonde-pink strands and spraying beach waves on her ends.
While I change into my dress Juliet untangles my hair from its loose braid and strawberry blonde comes down wavier than usual. Our faces are bare and sun-freckled as we put on sunscreen and deodorant. And Juliet stomps on her Chucks as I leave my platforms behind for comfortable black sandals.
Looking in the mirror we both stand tall and smile at each other. We look put together for the first time in days. I feel my best friend's emotional weight on my shoulders and I don't mean to but I'm relying on her with everything I have as well.
We keep each other upright because best friend promises meant more than anything else in the world.
After five days of hibernation, we finally left the house.
We cruise in my Volkswagen with the windows down and the radio blasting. I drive us to the beach and end of July air is thick and humid. And while most people hated the heat, my girl and I craved every ray.
Summer is sunshine yellow and easy breezy days as seagulls cry above us and the ocean waves crash in the distance. We kick off our shoes and lay in the shade under a leafy tree as people walk the pier and bike the sidewalks around us.
"I think I might actually just dye my entire head pink," Juliet's sunglasses are 1970's big and her mouth is stained red-purple from the bomb pop she's eating.
I bit the cone of my chocolate-swirl ice cream and gave her a look under my own shades. "Your mom would kill you," I tell her because she literally would.
"Good, maybe I'll just shave it while I'm at it." She dares, her smiling taunting and disbelieving. We both laugh this time because she would never.
For the first time all summer we're not following the band everywhere. I'm just Vada and she's just Juliet. Best friends since fourth grade and forever inseparable. We're on our own again and it's kind of refreshing.
Even if I missed Niall's laugh and Louis' jokes. Or the way Juliet and Zayn would smile for each other. And even the way Harry's presence was quiet, but always needed by everybody.
"Seriously though, New York is gonna be full of badass people. I can't be the weird chick from down south." My girl lays back in the grass, fingers brushing and twirling over the grass blades.
Summer wind whips through our hair from the ocean side and salty air smells sweet. "You'll fit right in, Li. Trust me." I tell her, throwing our trash away and dusting the dirt off of my dress.
Juliet smirks towards the forming clouds in the sky as the sun starts to hide behind them. "I talked to dad last week, wait until you see the apartment he's looking at for us," she says as she stands up as well.
"It's gonna be a dream strawberry blonde," She laughs, and it's meant to be playful but it only sends a knife-like pain though my gut as soon as she says it.
I remind myself of the phone call last night and how I wouldn't be picking it up when he called again.
I've wanted to distance myself from trouble since the beginning, but actually doing it was harder than I thought when he was everywhere I turned.
***
"Are we sure this is a good idea?"
The street to the party we were invited to is bumper-to-bumper parked and stuffed, and there's no missing which house it is. Small, yellow, lit up and loud, the house overflows with a crowd.
There are people on the lawn and in the street. They barely move out of the way so I can drive by.
"Park on the fucking sidewalk," Juliet laughs.
I find a spot at the end of the block as she applies lip gloss in the rear view mirror. "We won't stay long, I just wanna see what all the fuss is about."
Some old friends approached Juliet as we were leaving the beach, saying they were all going to Misty Adam's party that Juliet mentioned earlier.
We had nothing better to do other than another movie night at home, so we thought why not?
I lock my car and we walk down the sidewalk, the darkened sky hanging above us. Juliet's got a water bottle filled with vodka, but I'm supposed to be the designated driver tonight so I refuse when she offers.
As we approached the party, I actually started to recognize some people. Juliet and I get stared at everywhere we go went these days so as soon as the attention is on us, I start to get a little nervous.
Heavy beats and low-slick lyrics fill the stuffed air. Inside the house smells like spilled beer and burning bud. People are closely crowded and I have to push my way through.
"Look, Vada there's Benny." Juliet yells over the music. I look over to catch her sly smile and already drunk lidded eyes. She's smiling like she knows everything.
"Wait, a damn minute" she suddenly says and then grabs my hand to push through the crowd from what seems to be the small living room.
"Michael," Li yells as soon as we reach the kitchen and I know we will be here a while when an entire reunion breaks out.
Army boy and pink tips catch up like old friends and Juliet's leading him with every laugh and drunken friendly joke like she's done for years. I spot Benny across the kitchen after greeting his best friend and leave mine to cross the kitchen.
"Hey," The tall boy smiles as soon as I approach him. Brown eyes shine as he hands me a drink.
"Hey," I say back, deciding to sip it as I lean against the counter from next to him.
"Haven't seen you around in a while," he says, leaning in closer so I can hear him over the music.
"Have you been looking?" My smile is sly and confidence shows for the boy who looks at me like I'm everything.
The party around us was alive, and I watched the youth of the room. It's the same people doing the same things every weekend. Swearing they won't be like their parents and that one line won't change shit. It's desperate girls and use-you-for-one-thing guys.
Then I find myself mixing in with everybody else. Telling myself it's just one drink and then I'm suddenly careless as I toss back every shot and forget about my role I was supposed to keep up tonight.
Because with every breathy laugh and corny joke, I'm lured in with the boy I've known for years.
"I actually had the biggest crush on you when we were sixteen." I blurt out like it's nothing, because it was.
We're sitting on the back porch where the crowd remains bigger inside. Only a few people sit out here in the backyard, surrounded by the fire pit but we've made our own spot by ourselves.
We sit on opposite chairs, but we're right next to each other with our knees touching."We've been going in circles all summer," He says back, a little less drunk-lidded but still faded.
The porch light dimly lights up around us, letting me catch the corner of his smile and the way he's leaning into me. "I'm sorry," I suddenly say, guilt running through me. "I didn't mean to lead you on,"
Benny coughs on his beer. Leaning down he wipes his mouth and behind his hand a smile forms. "Jesus, V, don't make me sound like I'm some victim," he jokes.
"I'm being serious," I pushed his shoulder. "I basically begged you to kiss me at Li's party, and then ignored you like it didn't happen. I feel shitty." I say, because I really did.
I smell the cologne on his clothes as he leans even closer. "I didn't mind it," His smile is lazy, and this boy could never be mischievous even if he tried.
I leaned in again too, and I know I'm not thinking straight anymore. I just wanted validation and comfort. "I'm a fucking mess," I whisper,
going from playful to emotional within seconds as tears start brimming underneath my closed eyelids.
Ben's fingertips are warm as he brushes too-long bangs out of my eyes, tucking them behind my ear and holding me there. "Hey," he calls lowly, comfortingly.
"Open up," he tells me and I do. Brown eyes shine in adoration and concern. They're not blacked out or fucked up. He is honesty and everything good.
There's a future with this boy if I wanted it. Secret and trouble free. Never to be reminded of anything bad ever again. "There's nothing wrong with you," He knows far from the truth but I don't correct him.
He's full of kept promises and was the comfort I deserved in my life. "You're perfect," he tells me what he means because it's only ever good things.
Soft calloused fingertips brushed my cheekbones, and underneath his touch isn't electrifying and my heart doesn't feel like it's beating out of my chest whenever he looks at me. But I kissed him anyway, leaning into shared beer breath and hinted mint.
What I need is to forget my life is fucked up for a night. I need this boy to prove to myself that I have choices.
Before I know it I'm on his lap, legs draped over the side of his, and the boy with the soft touch kisses me like he means it. My fingers run through short hair and it's not long enough for me to pull. But it's soft and it's enough.
Benny kisses from the corner of my mouth to my chin and then my neck. His kiss is gentle and he doesn't graze my skin with his teeth or run his tongue along my neck but I can tell he leaves a mark.
But something wasn't right, it was beginning to feel forced. I felt bitterness and guilt all at once. I couldn't let myself use him as an excuse because I was fucked in the head.
His denim brushes my bare thighs, and his hands squeeze my hips. "Wait," I suddenly say, stopping our movements and resting my forehead against his.
"I'm sorry, I just—"
"It's okay," I feel his fingertips brush my hair from my eyes again. I open up and expect him to give me angry and annoyed. But instead he's patient and understanding.
"I'm not making any sense, this doesn't make sense," My surroundings were kind of spinning and Ben's face was kind of blurry. "I just, I don't think it's the right time to do this."
What we have could be everything if we let it. But I wasn't gonna waste years of friendship on one drunken mistake. I wanted to feel something, but it just wasn't there. No matter how hard we tried.
"Well, I've been waiting since eighth grade, so what's a little more time?" He gives me his warm smile and kisses the side of my head as I rest my head on his shoulder.
"Eighth grade, huh?" I whisper, voice groggy and eyes heavy. I realized how tired I felt at that moment.
The party still continued to be chaotic around us, with the familiar hip-hop song playing in the background and the loud chatter drowned out in our own little world. I felt safe in this bubble but nothing about it was realistic.
"Yeah, I guess we just never got the timing right," His deep tone vibrates his chest as he speaks, and I listen to his steady heartbeat.
"I care about you Ben, but our lives are different," I whisper and I feel him nod. "I know, V," and it feels like a heartbreak I'm not expecting.
He's leaving for California next week. I'm going to New York. We were just so different, and I'm finally admitting to myself that this isn't what I wanted.
I cling to him a little tighter and hold on a little longer as we think about the what if's and maybe's. This boy was a long time friend, and we'd always come back to each other.
And in a perfect world, maybe it would have worked between us. But right now it felt like goodbye.
***
I went to sleep that night with an open mind. A foggy, but open mind.
Juliet's back home, and I'm by myself for the first time in days. Listening to the silence of my house and closing my eyes in the darkness as it surrounds me and swallows me whole.
Maybe because I was drunk or something but I had one of those moments where I just let myself be. Where my mind was quiet and everything felt okay for the first time in days. But it doesn't last long.
Because just as sleep is going to take over, the voice of the engine roars from down the quiet street. It alarms me like the worst wake up call ever. It crashes in and disturbs anything good from before.
My eyes snap open and I stay very still. Even as the tires spin onto the gravel of the parking lot. Even as I hear the car park and the muffled rock music playing behind the windows. I don't even feel myself breathing as I hear the engine kill, the car door slam, and the dirt under his shoes as he walks.
With my window open, night time air breezes in. Then a voice whisper-yells up towards me, sending shivers down my spine and a crack in my chest.
"Vada," Harry calls, and I know. He's here. And then I'm wide awake for the first time all week.
***