Inspired by Community S5E11: "Basic Story" and S5E12: "Basic Sandwich."
Nico POV
"I hereby call this first meeting of the Save New Rome Community College Committee to order," Nico says.
"Wait," says Leo. God, who invited this guy? Having like six friends including his sister is not working out well for Nico.
Leo continues, despite Nico's audible groans. "We need a recap." He points a small video camera at Nico.
How is Nico supposed to explain everything that happened this morning? Why should he walk the audience through everything that happened this morning? There's so much, he wouldn't even know where to start. Besides, Leo was there for the insurance appraisal. A bunch of people in suits showed up on campus with tape measurers and cameras. Nico thought for sure they'd fail given that the fire alarm system hasn't worked since 1977 and on account of how much crawling around in the vents the student body does.
Nonetheless, they passed. Dean D looked like he was about to pass out when it happened, and Mr. Brunner just looked thrilled to have been invited on the tour.
Then, a guy wearing a wrinkled suit shook Dean D's hand and announced that the paperwork would be in the mail and that in just a few days, Nico and his friends will be students at Chick-fil-A Community College, which means that in just a couple months, Nico will have earned a diploma from Chick-fil-A Community College. Comparatively speaking, New Rome Community College is a lot less embarrassing than Chick-fil-A Community College.
You'd think they'd hold off on any major renovations until the summer when they can safely tear down walls, but in typical New Rome fashion, Hazel's sandwich shop was destroyed dramatically with a sledgehammer this morning, and Nico has a new inflatable cow costume to pick up from the mailroom. Yep, the new mascot is a cow, and the new slogan is "Eat Mor Chikin." He hates Chick-fil-A Community College even more than he hated New Rome. Hence, the committee he assembled.
Okay, so maybe he can speak in plot points for Leo's documentary, but just because he can doesn't mean he wants to.
"Maybe we can start a social media campaign," Hazel says. "I'm not sure that my TikTok followers would appreciate it, but they'd see it. Plus, they like me."
"Let's put a pin in that idea," Nico says. What's a bunch of strangers online going to do? Refuse to enroll here? Yeah, like enrollment isn't already an issue. "I uh, wouldn't want you to risk your following."
Everyone jumps and looks to the window, where Octavian is holding an "EAT MOR CHIKIN" sign.
Nico was in agreement with Jason, and Jason was right; Octavian does not have amnesia. Octavian was working for Chick-fil-A since the fall. No surprise there.
Jason opens the door to the study room and enters, back from his meeting with the potential new board of Chick-fil-A Community College.
"There's my sexy lawyer," Piper coos, kissing her fiance. "How'd the meeting go?"
Jason sets his briefcase down on the table and sighs. "It went... okay..."
"Okay?" Annabeth asks. "Does this mean they're not going to dissolve the GSA?"
Nico scoffs. The gay-straight-alliance can meet without funding from the school. It's those free therapy sessions he's worried about losing, not that he needs a therapist. He just likes to take advantage of free things, and he supposes the opportunity to talk about his familial trauma isn't the absolute worst thing he's done.
Jason sets a stack of papers on the study table and then slumps back in his chair. "They offered me a job in the classics department upon graduation. We're so understaffed that I'll get to teach a class and work on my master's degree at the same time. They'll even give me some money towards my classes at Berkeley."
"You're not going to take them up on it, are you?" Frank asks. "We won't be mad if you do."
"I might be a little mad," says Leo.
"No, I probably won't," says Jason. "I just don't want to give them an immediate answer in case my other plans don't work out. I mean, no offense to New Rome, but I don't want to be here after graduation."
"What about Dean D?" Nico asks, trying to bring the group back on task. "Was Dean D there?"
Jason winces. "He was in the fetal position cuddling Seymour."
"Seymour?" Piper asks.
"Don't you remember when he bought the leopard head with the commercial budget?"
So Dean D is currently incapacitated. What else could go wrong?
Nico stands up at the head of the table. "So we're on our own to save New Rome-"
"Oh! I just got it," says Percy. "The Save New Rome Committee. Clever."
Nico rolls his eyes. "So New Rome Community College was founded by a man in the early nineteen hundreds, but legend has it that it may have been much earlier. Like, New Rome was a gladiator training school."
"How does that work?" Annabeth asks. "I mean, Jason can correct me if I'm wrong, but I'm pretty sure there were no gladiators in North America."
"That's why they call it a legend." These people are idiots. "So apparently the founder of the school, Terminus, was like a minor god or something, and after some sort of incident, he sealed himself somewhere inside the school. That place should have the original deed to New Rome Community College. With it, we'll be able to stop Chick-fil-A from going through with the transaction."
Percy raises his hand. "Like, which building? Because the student union isn't that old I thought, but I wouldn't be surprised if he were in the biology lab. That place gives me the creeps."
"Did you bring the scroll?" Nico asks his half-sister.
Hazel puts a face mask on for the first time since their sophomore year and pulls an ancient-looking scroll from her backpack. "Watch out, I think it's like- Oops!" And with that, a grey cloud of dust clouds the room, tickling Nico's nose. That's going to come back to haunt everyone later.
"Jeez, Hazel!" Leo shouts.
"Sorry, I tried to warn you all that-" She sneezes. Her sneezes sound like kittens.
Frank points to a spot on the map. "This is allegedly the map that Terminus used to seal himself and his gladiatorial projects away."
"Did you bring the blueprints, Annabeth?" Nico asks.
Annabeth dumps a bunch of blueprints onto the table. "I asked you which building you wanted and you just said 'yes.' That's not an answer, Nico!"
"Let me see the Big House. That's the oldest building on campus."
And this is where shit gets all Indiana Jones. Nico takes the ancient scroll, which oddly enough hasn't disintegrated, and the blueprint Annabeth stole from the architecture department, and arranges them just so on the table...
"It looks like a butt," says Piper.
"No, it does not," says Nico. He tilts the scroll a tiny bit more on top of the blueprint and then he's got it. "There's an entrance to a secret passageway in the Big House."
"So you mean we're going to have to tear up the Campus Activities Office to get to the deed?" Annabeth asks.
Percy leans across the table and gives her a devilish smirk. "Yeah, Wise Girl. Got a problem with it?"
She waves her hands in defense. "Oh, I'm all for it."
"Cool," says Nico. "So the plan is going to be kind of elaborate and super risky. I can't promise that we'll be granted admission to Chick-fil-A Community College should we fail. And Jason," he says, "that job offer is definitely on the line."
"Wait," says Piper. "We all hate this place and we're going to graduate in a few months and then move on to bigger and better things. Why are we even doing this?"
Annabeth scoffs. "Because I'm not about to let homophobic chicken run an educational institution, even if it wasn't a good school beforehand."
Everyone nods in agreement because it's easier than admitting that they might miss New Rome Community College someday.
✎✎✎
Nobody anticipated that the hideout would be underneath the school. Of course, Nico did. He thought it was obvious that if someone wanted to seal themself in a community college, they'd have to go underground, but apparently, Hazel's study group has learned nothing from their undergraduate education. They're all looking at the floor aimlessly.
"So," says Hazel. "I guess we could like, pull up the carpet."
"Great place to start," says Annabeth.
Leo slices a section of the carpeting with a pocketknife he shouldn't have and everyone gets to work tugging at the nubby carpet with the weird stains.
"Ouch!" Jason says.
"Babe, what is it?" Piper asks. "Please tell me there aren't staples in the carpet because I sincerely doubt you're up to date on your tetanus shot..."
"No, I'm good," he says. "Static electricity."
"Guys, this is getting ridiculous," Piper says, patting Jason's shocked finger. "I mean, we're going to graduate and we're never going to come back here. What's the point?"
Leo gasps.
It is static electricity. There is no need to be dramatic and give up.
"Everyone, keep digging," Nico says.
"I've got this," says Frank. He picks up a large piece of carpet and says, "Everybody move."
When the biggest guy in the room tells everyone to move, you listen, no matter how stupid you are. It's a good thing they listened to him because Frank tears up most of the carpet in the room, accidentally knocking over a display titled, SAFE SPRING BREAK accompanied by descriptions of all the ways college students could have killed themselves over their spring break.
"Look!" Leo points to a handle on the ground. "There's a trapdoor! We should go down the trapdoor. Does someone have a rope in case there's no ladder?"
"Hey! Over there!" an annoying voice shouts.
"That sounds like Gary—I mean—Octavian," Percy says. "Still can't believe he turned out to be a lying asshole."
"I can," says Annabeth. She grabs Percy's hand and jumps through the trap door.
"Did anyone hear a bump?" Hazel asks. "How far was that fall?"
"Why do I feel like Annabeth and Percy are always falling through things?" Leo asks. "Guys? I'm getting serious deja vu."
"No time for that," says Nico. "Everyone into the door. Now!"
He pushes Frank into the door, and the others are quick to follow, even though Piper complains about how she was supposed to go wedding dress shopping and is stuck here. Nico would like to be at home watching movies with his boyfriend, but you won't catch him complaining.
"Okay," Annabeth says when they get to the bottom. "Plan Time. We'll split in half and-"
"Are we drawing straws to see who gets stuck with Jason and Piper?" Leo asks. "I love you guys, but you're both turning into bridezillas."
Annabeth rolls her eyes, or at least, Nico thinks she does. It's dark, and a little bit moist for his taste. This can't be the worst place to store an ancient deed, so his hopes are high.
She continues to explain the plan. "Percy and I will go up this way with Piper and Jason. The rest of you go down that hall. Everyone be careful. Contact each other if you find anything," she says.
"And stay safe, for the love of god," says Percy. "Nobody's allowed to get a concussion today."
Jason raises his hand.
Percy sighs. "Bro, you know you're the exception. It's like a given that you're going to have a head injury."
Jason lowers his hand.
"Let's move out," says Annabeth.
Instead of lighting his phone flashlight like a normal person, Leo pulls out a small lighter—the same kind you would use for a cigarette—and uses that to illuminate the wall. Nico can tell he's going for an Indiana Jones explorer kind of thing, but he's Leo. He can't pull it off. Or maybe he can. Nico did hear something about him having a girlfriend recently.
Hazel wrings her hands. Something's bothering her. Nico's not exactly what you'd call "emotionally sensitive," but he knows his half-sister better than anyone else, except maybe his puppy, Mrs. O'Leary, but it would be weird if he knew the details of Hazel's bowel movements.
"What's wrong?" he asks.
She looks at the floor. "I'm worried about Jason and Piper."
"Ha," Nico says. "They seem over the moon for each other, don't you think?"
"Yeah, but they've never really been so obvious about it, and now they're trying to use the wedding to get out of saving New Rome," she says. "Don't get me wrong—I was excited to go wedding dress shopping with Piper and Annabeth today. We were going to force Annabeth into a wedding dress and send it to Percy as a prank." She laughs at that thought. "But I don't know. Things just seem off."
"Don't worry about it," Leo says, robotically as ever. "It's a response to fear."
"Of?" Frank asks.
"The unknown," he says with a shrug. "We're all afraid of it. We just react in different ways."
"How'd you figure that out?" Nico asks.
"You know I'm bad at emotions. I've spent the past four years figuring out how you guys feel when you behave in certain ways. Everyone's acting differently now. I react the way I normally do when I'm upset." As a side note, he says to Frank, "I'm working on the hair-pulling thing with that trick you told me about. Anyway, Piper and Jason are throwing themselves into the wedding planning, Annabeth and Percy finally got together, and Frank's been a little extra gassy lately."
"Hey!"
"Sorry," he says with a nonchalant shrug.
"And what about me?" Hazel asks.
Leo puts an awkward hand on his friend's shoulder. Damn, physical touch is not this guy's thing. "You worry, Hazel. Unnecessarily, of course, but you worry about all of us. It's something I've come to like about you, actually."
"Thanks," she says.
Frank clears his throat.
"Okay," Leo says, throwing his hands up in defense. "I'm sorry about calling out your stomach issues and then having a sappy friend moment with your girlfriend, but listen-"
"No," says Frank. "I mean, I'd like to revisit this conversation, but look what I found."
Nico looks at the wall. It's one of those pictures he used to hide under his bed when he used to try to convince himself he wasn't gay, except this one is old. Well, old as in vintage, that is.
"Very cool, Frank," Leo quips. "It's a sexy lady in eighties exercise gear. Thanks for sharing."
Nico can't believe it used to be socially acceptable to hang posters of Jane Fonda in one's room for... reasons. Nobody questioned that shit, but the moment he wants to hang up a MythoMagic poster he gets made fun of for being a nerd. And those other guys don't get made fun of for being total creeps?
Frank smacks his hand against his forehead. "No! I mean, yes, it's Jane Fonda, but look." He lifts the bottom corner of the poster.
"Hey, don't tear it!" Leo objects. "That's vintage!"
Beneath the poster is a passageway—not the vents—an actual passageway that leads to who-knows-where.
"Somebody better text Annabeth," Hazel says.
✎✎✎
They crawl through the passageway, Leo leading the pack with his lighter, and Frank in the very back. Nico has never been so unfortunate to experience the big guy's alleged "nervous tummy," and he's thankful that today is not the day to break that streak. Nico's fairly certain that all eight members of the Save New Rome Committee fit single file in the passageway at once, but it's too narrow for him to turn around and see for himself. The walls and floor are made of stone, giving it this medieval vibe. Nico knows this because Annabeth won't stop talking about the historical architecture and how it's a shame that Percy's modern-day Vans are going to ruin the interior.
Leo falls forward out of the passageway and onto the floor. "I'm okay!" he yells back to the rest of the group.
"Oh, thank heavens," Nico quips when he hops out of the hole in the wall and lands on his feet like a normal person.
The others are slow to follow, so he has plenty of time to survey the room around him. There's loads of training equipment—enough to convince him that New Rome may at one time have been a gladiatorial combat school. All the old swords down here could probably fund a competent computer science department, or more realistically, a lifetime supply of Diet Coke for Dean D.
Percy walks up to a mannequin wearing Roman armor and reaches out to touch the leather because it's cool that something this old has been preserved for so long. Plus, it's not behind any museum tape, so anyone can just touch it and get away with it. Nico might do that, actually.
"Hey there!" the mannequin says.
"Ah!" Percy shouts. Mannequins should not be able to talk. Mannequins should not be able to talk, but here they are. This mannequin moves off his pedestal and shakes Percy's hand, and then it dawns upon Nico that he may not actually be a mannequin.
"Hey, man," says Piper. "Who the hell are you and why are you in the basement of a community college?"
The man chuckles, a twinkle in his eye. "Why, you don't know who I am?"
Nico studies his features. He kind of looks like one of those guys on the old Roman coins he studied in his anthropology class last year.
"Terminus?" he asks.
Annabeth crosses her arms. "It couldn't be... That would make him well over a hundred years old!"
"Ah, the mysteries of the New Rome cellar," Terminus says wistfully. "How is my institution doing? We must not be doing well if we're admitting the likes of you." He looks the committee over.
Nico furrows his eyebrows. "Look, you've missed a lot in a couple of hundred years." He can't believe he's talking to this man as if he might be that old. "My name is Nico di Angelo and I'm a computer science major at your school."
"Is that a new form of combat?"
"Uh, I mean, it can be, but I can't say I'm considering a career in cyber warfare."
Leo waves his lighter in the air. "I'm a mechanical engineering major!"
Terminus stares blankly. Of course, a man that old wouldn't know what that is either.
"Listen," says Nico. "We need the deed to New Rome. We're in danger."
Terminus clutches something close to his chest. How is Nico supposed to explain this situation to this guy? It's not like he can just say-
"Chick-fil-A is trying to buy New Rome and turn it into their own homophobic college and the GSA isn't going to be a club anymore and they're going to change the motto to 'eat mor chikin' and shut down my fraternity!" Frank cries.
"Bah! Greek life! I swore I'd never have that on my campus," Terminus grumbles.
Nico takes a deep breath and tries to explain the predicament more gently. "Terminus, we're about to graduate from New Rome, but some really bad people are trying to take this campus away from us. They don't like how we do things here, and they want to do it their way."
He turns to the group, hoping Percy or Jason will take over.
Percy bonds and gestures for him to go on.
"Those people... their way could hurt a lot of us. They don't like how some of us want to live our lives, and they don't agree with a lot of our views."
Terminus raises an eyebrow.
If this guy is going to play into the 'ancient times' persona, this next bit should work. "They don't like the Roman gods," Nico says, "and they don't believe in you. We need Rome's protector now more than ever. That deed could save us. We... We love this school." That last part shocks everyone, even him, but he supposes in his own way, he does love New Rome Community College. It brought him out of a really bad family situation. It gave him his half-sister Hazel, and his boyfriend, Will. He joined a gay-straight-alliance club dedicated to supporting people like him. If that isn't community, he doesn't know what is.
He turns around to his friends. "An offering for Terminus," he says.
Leo tosses his lighter to Nico. Perfect.
"As an offering, we give you this... Magic light thingie?" Nico flips the lighter on and then off again, showing Terminus that it's really cool and possibly magical.
"Hmm," he says, taking the lighter. "Yeah, this is kind of interesting. Here is the deed." He passes an old scroll to Nico.
"A scroll?" Hazel asks.
"Yes," says Terminus. "Why don't you read one now and then? I suppose you might not have all that much time between your combat studies, but it never hurts to enrich one's mind!"
"I'm a business major..."
"Gladiatorial business! Impressive! My, how my school has grown..." he says.
Nico opens the scroll, and sure enough, it's the deed. The deed is written in Latin, but it's a good thing he recruited a Latin study group for the Save New Rome Committee.
"Stop right there!"
"Aww, not this again!" Annabeth groans.
Jason cries, "I knew we were going to get busted! I have a wedding to prepare for! My fiance wants us to write our own vows!"
Octavian sneers. "Give us the deed, di Angelo!"
"Never!"
"I thought you'd say that," he says. "That's why my friends and I brought a little something to change your mind."
A swarm of Chick-fil-A representatives filters through the passageway and moves to reveal a hostage.
"Will!" Nico shouts. "Let him go!"
"Ah, ah, ah. First, the deed."
"This isn't right," says Annabeth. "This is Terminus's campus. Not yours."
Octavian snaps his fingers. "Bring the bag." A representative passes a white and red Chick-fil-A bag to Octavian. He reaches in and retrieves a sandwich, but not just any sandwich—a spicy sandwich. It's only when he unwraps the sandwich that Nico realizes what's about to happen.
"You can't do this!" he shouts.
Will's not a vegetarian or anything, sure, but he has an extremely low tolerance to spicy food. He's the kind of person that calls Dr. Pepper spicy. This guy can't even eat a bell pepper. More than that, he has a vendetta against Chick-fil-A because they're homophobic and Will is sort of in a relationship with a guy.
Octavian holds the sandwich near Will's mouth.
"Oh my gawd!" he shouts, his Texan accent revealing itself in his panic.
"Stop! Stop it!" Nico shouts. "I'll... I'll give you the deed."
"Nico, you can't," says Hazel. "What about saving New Rome?"
Sure, saving New Rome Community College was the point of this mission. Nico would still like to save New Rome, but here's the thing: if he gives up Will's dignity to save New Rome, did he really learn anything here? Sure, he isn't prepared for a career in computer science, but his time here wasn't completely barren of lessons. He learned how to make friends, and that being a loner isn't as appealing as he once thought it was. He learned how to express himself and do things he never thought he'd get the chance to try in a million years. He learned how to stand up for himself and his friends.
He learned what puts the community in New Rome Community College.
So he gives the deed to Octavian, and in exchange, Will is free to go.
The group apologizes to Terminus for giving away his deed without a fight, and Terminus tries to hide his disappointment. He doesn't do a very good job of it.
The trip through the passageway is silent, but not emotionless. Nico's pretty sure some of the others cry silent tears on the way back when they're lined up single file, some of them weeping for the only home they've ever known.
In a few weeks, they will be alumni of Chick-fil-A Community College.
✎✎✎
Familiar faces from around campus await the return of the Save New Rome Committee but are disappointed when Nico announces that they couldn't save the school.
Travis and Connor apologize to Hazel for stealing pickles from her sandwich shop after hours.
Grover and his girlfriend Juniper invite Annabeth and Percy over for a game night, but they decline.
Will gives Frank a much-needed Lactaid pill from his first-aid kit.
Piper halfheartedly says to Jason, "I guess I'd better call to reschedule with David's Bridal."
But the New Rome spirit isn't there. Life can't go on the way it used to because they're not New Rome insert-everchanging-mascot-here anymore. They're Chick-fil-A cows now. Moo.
Dean D enters the Campus Activities Office, Mr. Brunner in tow on his Jazzy. "Well?" the dean asks. "Why the long faces?"
Clarisse La Rue balls her hands into fists, ready to square up on the dean. "You sold New Rome to a bunch of corporate homophobes!"
"We're cows now because of you!" Thalia adds. "Don't you see what'll happen next? The Hunters, the Amazons, and the Mars Coed Fraternity are done for!"
"And the GSA too!" Lacy adds.
There's a flushing noise from the gender-neutral bathroom that was for some reason installed in the Campus Activities Office, and out comes none other than Phil Swift, CEO of Flex Seal Enterprises, and inventor of various other Flex products such as Flex Tape, Flex Glue, Flex Shot, and many more soon to come.
"Hey there, kids! Let's go New Rome!"
"Didn't you hear?" Nico asks. "We're Chick-fil-A now."
"Not if I have anything to say about it!" Phil Swift says whilst zipping up his pants.
"What do you mean?" Jason asks.
He shrugs. "I bought this beautiful campus! I love my alma mater more than anything, and couldn't see it go down to those corporate assholes."
Silena Beauregard, editor-in-chief of The New Roman Times points her pen against a notepad. "Mr. Swift, can you tell us about any changes you have in mind for New Rome Community College? Campus life, academics, dining... anything really."
"I'm going to put that sandwich shop back in because damn, that was good stuff, and I want to implement a new course requirement for incoming engineering majors called 'The Power of Flex Tape.' The only major change I want to make is the motto," he explains. "I think it'd be better off as 'That's a lotta damage!'"
It's better than 'You're already accepted!' Nico will take it.
Nico then turns to the rest of the committee. "Well?" he asks. "I hereby propose a motion to disband the Save New Rome Committee. All those in favor say 'aye.'"
"Aye!"