My back is slouched against the rough bark of the ancient oneeran tree, and my hands brush over the smooth soil ground. Ramet's confident strides carry her to me. Her boots thud against the ground and I feel every vibration. She stops before me and her hand rests against the trunk. It's dark but moonlight spills from the sky and slips through the cracks in the canopy, it lies across Ramet's face.
"You really like this tree, huh?" Ramet says and the worry in her voice breaks my heart anew. "Haari said you wanted to talk to me, wouldn't tell me what it was about."
Haari found Zafira and I before the sun set. We talked whilst Zafira cried, I told Haari that I couldn't stay but neither Zafira nor I told her why. We're not telling anyone. Zafira needs a quiet life, she deserves one.
Ramet lowers herself to the ground. "What's up, Cantral?"
"I Can't," I whisper, "I can't stay on Oneera."
"Yeah, I thought that might be it." She laughs but there's no happiness in it. "You just get carried away or something?"
"I suppose." My feet wriggle and I push them into the soft dirt ground. "I want to stay but it would be selfish. There's too much to do."
Ramet sighs, it has an angry tone. "You're not the only person who can do it. You've done your part, you killed Haroc!"
I stare ahead. "You should stay here."
"What?"
"You can be happy here, forget about me." My fists clench and my nails bite into my palm. "Meet someone else ... or no one and focus on you. If you follow me, you'll resent me. We'll end up hating each other."
"No!" Ramet shouts. "Just no. I'm not staying anywhere without you." She takes my hands. "I'm coming with you. You're right. We need to do what we can. We need to help." Her hands travel to my face. "Say it, tell me we're not over and everything is going to be okay. Say it."
"We're ..." My voice cracks as I choke on emotion. "We're not over. And everything is going to be okay."
I hold her tight and inside I'm crying.
As I enter the house with Ramet, Fendan is waiting. His face is serious, and his arms are stretched behind his head. Relaxed and angry, once I thought anger was his natural state. I sit at the table opposite and Ramet leans against the wall, staring forlornly out of the window.
"So," Fendan starts with a raised eyebrow, "Haari said I should talk to you before going to bed. I'm tired, this better be good."
"It is," I say with a confidence I don't feel. "I have decided not to stay on Oneera and join you. There's much to do, I want to help."
What did I expect from Fendan? Genuine joy, enthusiasm ... no, I'm not that naive. But I had expected some sort of pretence, a fake pleasure or even to be reprimanded for changing my mind, for wasting Haari's time.
His face remains blank and his body still. Blue eyes watch me with the intensity of a hawk, as if I'm no more than an erratic meal to be consumed wholly.
"It displeases me that you are throwing away a chance such as this." His hands rest on the table and he leans forward. "There won't be another planet that accepts entra, this is your only chance to settle on a world."
"I know," I reply and the heaviness I feel is void from my voice.
His eyes flick to Ramet. "And you are happy about this?"
"Yeah." Ramet looks to Fendan. "After the sandwich incident I want to spend as much time with you as possible," her voice is laden with sarcasm. "I follow Cantral, she's all that matters to me."
Fendan nods. "Leave," he says to only Ramet, she releases an angry sigh and slips outside. "I want the truth. Don't say it's because you'll miss me, or you want to help me succeed, we both see the lie."
"I care about you—"
Fendan laughs. "You cared about Haroc."
"Well, it didn't take long for you to throw that at me." I lean forwards. "Are you scared Fendan? But why would you be? You're nothing like Haroc, right?"
Fendan stares at me unabashed by my words or posture. "I am nothing like Haroc. I am nothing like him. You ... don't trust me, do you? That's why you wish to join me."
"I don't trust you."
Fendan looks down at his hands and nods his head sadly. "I suppose I deserve that. Though ... I had thought our relationship had improved since arriving here." He reaches across the table and his hand takes mine. "I love you, I would be happy to have you as my second and I will prove you can trust me."
His sudden shift takes me aback, my anger slips away, and my hand grips his. "Your second? I will be replacing Shazna? She won't be pleased."
Fendan chuckles. "She'll be furious, but there is no other position I'd rather you take. I want you at the helm next to me, it's your rightful place, as my daughter, as Haroc's killer."
"And we'll be making the universe a better place?"
Fendan stands he leans over the table and kisses my forehead. "Absolutely." He smiles and walks to the stairs. "Cantral," he pauses, "I expect you to keep Ramet under control, she needs to know her place and if you can't keep her there, I will."
***
I stand on the precipice of a new day as I dress in uniform, in the yellow bathroom in Haari's house. The same uniform that was stripped from my body when I first arrived. My hair is smoothed back into a neat bun, and I stare at myself in the mirror, at the adult I've become. My face is serious, my black lips hold no smile.
Haroc's voice flows through my head, why do you think your blood is black? Your lips, your mouth? Why do you think your skin is so grey? He says, and I stare harder at my reflection. Could there be truth in his words? Did his delusions hold remnants of reality? Once again, I'm trapped between fiction and fact. But regardless, the truth of my heritage only holds the key for understanding myself better, nothing else. Maybe my parents are out there, or maybe they're dead, killed by Haroc, the man who loved me. Whatever the truth is, I'm not ready for it.
There's a knock on the door and I turn from my reflection. I open the door, Ramet's stood before me, and she pushes me inside with a kiss. Her arms wrap around me, and we stand together, silently.
"Fendan's made me his second and I'll command my own fleet, Jaxa will have her own ship," I say, and despite Zafira's words ringing in my head, despite the doubt, I continue. "Will you be my second?"
"Of course, I'll be anything you want me to be." She steps away. "Leaving here, it's not going to change me, I'm not going back to the person I was. I love you, we love each other and that will be enough. We'll get through everything, together."
I nod, my doubts are no longer guiding me, something else is. Something I don't really understand.
We exit the washroom to find Fendan and Haari sat at the table. But no Zafira. They stand as we approach.
"We had better go," Fendan says, and he heads to the door with Haari by his side.
As we exit the house the sun parts from behind grey clouds and floods the garden. Is it a sign? Is it the Universe's way of telling me I'm making the right decision? A dewy mist rises from the grass and lingers in the air around us. I'll miss this freshness, I'll miss everything about Oneera.
Haari hugs Fendan, they kiss, and I wonder if it's real tears that cloud Fendan's eyes or this just another lie? Was Haari no more than a brief distraction? Haari parts from Fendan and stops before Ramet and I. But I don't give Haari my focus, not immediately, Fendan walks on board the ship, he slips from my sight and his footsteps fade away.
"I am sorry you decided not to stay," Haari says as I point my head towards her, "but I understand. The Queen extends her gratitude but she ..." Haari pauses, she flexes her hands, "she asks that you don't return."
I nod. "I understand, we don't want to give Oneera undue attention ... where's Zafira ... is she not ..." I stutter and Haari's face halts me altogether.
"Zafira ..." Haari struggles with words, "maybe it's best you don't say goodbye."
My hands shake by my sides, that's not for the best. It's just about the worst way to leave.
"Hey, Cantral—" Ramet takes my hand "—let's go."
I don't move, my feet remain planted in the wet grass. "You go, I just want to speak with Haari," I say and watch as Ramet releases my hand and disappears into the ship. "Did Fendan ask you if Zafira could help us with Haroc?" I whisper, my words are planned, I only wish I'd thought to speak them sooner.
"No." She laughs. "Of course not. He only mentioned that she had expressed an interest."
"And when he told you that, what did you say?" I push, and I'm not completely sure why. I already know Fendan manipulated the situation so Zafira would sneak on board the ship. Maybe, I just want an insight into how he manipulated Haari. Maybe this will help me see Fendan for what he truly is.
Haari frowns, she glances to the ship as if she hopes for someone to steal me from this awkward encounter. "I said Zafira would absolutely not be allowed to go—"
"Why? And don't tell me because it was dangerous, don't tell me it's because you were scared she'd be hurt." I edge closer to Haari, I go freestyle. These words aren't planned, but maybe it's what I wanted to say all along. "Tell me the truth. You let your daughter befriend two entra, you know perfectly well what she's capable of. You knew she wouldn't be hurt."
Haari stares at me, anger shines from her yellow eyes. "She's a child—"
"Please." My hand reaches out to Haari's arm, but I think better of making contact. "I'm not judging you, I care about Zafira."
"My daughter has been used many times against my better judgement," Haari replies sadly. "My sister told me to think of the greater good, she said it was our duty to Oneera. Zafira has been used to settle many disputes on Oneera, until I refused."
"Why did you refuse?"
"It is not the job of a child to settle disputes of adults." Haari looks away. "But that isn't the only reason ... Zafira began to change, she began taking on unsavoury characteristics of the people she influenced. She saw their memories in her head, as if they were her own."
I think back to the day before, to Zafira's careless admission to Fendan. He knows what she's capable of, and I know what he's capable of.
"I do not say this lightly ..." I glance to the ship and continue quieter. "You and Zafira are not safe. Fendan is not the man you think he is. If you remain on Oneera, he will take Zafira and he will use her, worse than your sister has. And, it won't be for peace. It will be for his own agenda."
"Cantral," Ramet shouts from the shuttle, "Fendan wants to go, now."
Haari's panic-stricken face stares back at me. "He wouldn't do that!" she hisses, but I see the doubt in her eyes.
"Just a moment," I shout to Ramet. "How do you think he got me? He will take her and there won't be anything you or Oneera can do to stop him. You need to disappear, leave Oneera." I take a step back from Haari. "He will return, and he will take her."
"We will," she whispers.
I take one last look at the garden. At the wooden house that has Zafira's toys stuffed inside it. At the stream Zafira jumped across but it only took Ramet and I one stride. The orange blanket is still on the grass, it was only yesterday. I want to drop to the floor and anchor my nails into the ground. But I walk and step on board the ship.
Fendan would have let me stay and it all becomes clear. I have fulfilled my use, I killed Haroc, he no longer requires me, and I wonder, how long I will keep the position as his second. How long it will be before he sends me off on a fool's errand on the other side of the universe. But that's not going to happen, he's not going to get rid of me.
The door closes and I take a seat by the window. Ramet sits beside me and Fendan seats himself at the controls. The ship rises, and I stare at the garden as it slowly shrinks. Movement catches my attention, a flailing hand at the corner of the window.
"Land the ship!" I shout.
Fendan groans. "No, you can't keep changing your mind—"
"Land the ship, or I swear to the Universe I will make your life miserable!" I shout, and I unharness myself as the ship jolts against the ground.
The door opens when I punch the panel beside it, and I run across the garden to Zafira. I pick her up and she wraps her arms around my neck.
"I'm sorry," she sobs. "I thought it would be better if you just left."
"You don't need to apologise," I whisper.
"This isn't goodbye though, you're the best friend I've ever had, and I know we'll find each other again."
I place Zafira on the ground. "I hope so."
"We will." Zafira hands me her toy Jaarva. "You forgot Narna, that's her name, and you have to keep her in your room or else she'll be sad. I'm going to miss her, but I'll get her back one day."
"Hey." Ramet places her hand on my back. "Fendan says if you keep him waiting any longer, he'll leave without us ... You okay, Zafira?"
"Yes," Zafira says, "I was just telling Cantral that we'll find each other again."
"There's not a doubt in my mind." Ramet smiles. "I think, you could make anything happen. I'm glad I took the chance to listen to you ... I'll see you around ..."
Ramet places her arm around my shoulders and guides me back to the ship. I glance behind to Zafira, one last time, she smiles, and I do too. One last time, for I'm certain, I'll never see her again.
"At last," Fendan snaps as I take my seat once more and the ship instantly rises.
"You're a stone, disguised as a tree," I say as I look out of the window once more, "but you do not grow, you do not change with the seasons, the sun does not imbue you with energy. Nothing does. You have no heart, no life beating within you."
Fendan groans. "Well, I haven't missed this version of you. Yesterday you loved me, today I have no heart." He laughs. "But why am I surprised? Do you know ..." his voice takes on a sharper tone, it's one I remember well. "Do you know who you remind me of sometimes?"
I'm breathing deeply, my anger surges to the surface, because I've heard this all before. "Yes! I know, I am so very like Haroc, aren't I? Maybe if I remind you of him so much you should be more careful around—"
"Okay!" Ramet shouts. "Can you both just stop? Don't you realise how messed up it is that I'm the voice of reason?"
I stare out of the window as the house shrinks and the forest loses definition. It turns a blurry green and blends in with the rest of the land mass. Oneera changed me. It turned me into an adult, someone who was able to face the wrongs of their past and present and own up to it. Into someone who I hope will continue to do the right thing. Oneera changed me. Oneera changed the universe.