There's a hole in the back of my head, small, edged with metal and disguised by hair. Wires retract from my brain, then the hole, and I enter a semi-lucid state. The brief time between dream and reality. Behind the glass there's a blur of blue, I try to concentrate but I want unconsciousness to claim me once more. From the veins in my wrist more wires detach and return themselves into the inner workings of the incubation unit. I'm more alert now, and I focus on the blue. I have but a moment to prepare. A moment before I'm shoved out into the innards of Prime.
The incubation unit slides open smoothly, soundlessly and I come face to face with Fendan. Not my preferred view to wake to but it could be worse, it could be Haroc. We stare at each other a moment before I step out and rub the chill from my arms. My last sleep, my last chance of physical growth. Not that I believed I would grow more; my body had decided growing was beneath it months ago.
My forehead rises in surprise. "Hello," I say to Fendan.
He's perched on the back of my sofa, the cushions dip under his weight. His fingers brush over the fabric and create two distinct shades of grey in the material. Past Fendan is a low metal table with a heavy book upon it. I usually flick through the pages at the start of every day. The pictures bring me a sense of calm, but I will have to forgo the ritual today.
"I had hoped you would be pleased to see me, I returned especially for the ceremony." Fendan's blue lips curl into a smile.
His long blue hair falls past his shoulders to midway down his back and his face is clean shaven to match the hairless face of every entra. The entra's inability to grow hair, barring the hair atop our heads, is a constant source of annoyance to Fendan. Hair sprouts over his face, hands, arms and legs. It sets him apart as much as his blue skin. It causes Haroc to refer to him as, 'The Entara'.
"I am." I smile back, the blinds are down, blocking my window, I stare past Fendan, at nothing in particular. My apartment is bland, entra should not attain to possess 'stuff'. "It's just a... surprise, I haven't seen you in a year... you've ignored my every request."
"I've been busy, too busy even for you. But now, I'm here." He laughs quietly. "No longer a child. Will you miss your incubation unit?"
I will miss my incubation unit. I'll miss not being able to shut off at the end of each day. Now, one day will rule eternal. No more sleep but I won't miss the dreams.
At seven foot three I don't feel fully grown, at seventeen I don't feel an adult, but apparently, I am. The shortest Battle Entra to ever exist, is not the accolade I want.
"No," I answer instead, because I know it's what he wishes to hear.
I grab a pile of neatly folded clothes that I laid out the evening before and step into my bathroom. Sterile, bright... and white, white, white, a stark contrast to the rest of my apartment and Prime, the ship the mass of a planet and as black as space.
My hands rest on the metal sink. The mirror above holds my reflection, I look exactly as I did the day before but yesterday, I was a child and today I'm an adult. My black eyes encompass just over a third of my face, and my jawline is the classic entra square. Black hair too, just like every other Entra and black lips... like no one, not a single other entra.
My entire life I've been swept along by the current when all I've wanted is to find land. Today is no different, despite being an adult. I wash and dress quick, too aware of Fendan's presence in my apartment. Where has he been for the previous year? What has he been doing? Questions bury my anxieties for the day ahead, but I wonder, how many questions will Fendan answer?
As I exit the bathroom, I grab my jacket off a hook on the wall and zip it closed over my blue jumpsuit. My uniform. Every entra's uniform. Blue for the Entara, we took their colours when we separated from them. It's supposed to represent triumph, but there was no triumph, at least not in my eyes. Entra committed genocide, but I don't say that to Haroc, or anyone. Maybe this is why Fendan shuns the blue uniform.
Fendan rises from the grey sofa, a few shades lighter than my darker than average skin. "Can I accompany you to breakfast?" He smiles.
"You're going to eat breakfast in the canteen?" I say in mock horror. "Are you unwell, do you need to borrow my unit?"
"Enough," Fendan snaps, but there's a sparkle in his blue eyes and a smile.
We walk together through the corridors of Prime, the mothership, and through the windows I see her swarm, millions of Battle Cruisers. They appear small from this perspective, but they're not, they're monstrosities in their own right. Vast ships the size of cities.
I look in vain for Fendan's fleet, but I don't see his formidable army of Battle Cruisers. Did he arrive without them? Has he left them to their missions and simply returned to Prime to be present for my ceremony like he said? It's improbable, unlikely, completely out of character. Maybe Haroc commanded it.
"I dreamt of planet Detrie last night... my first kill." I watch Fendan for a reaction. "The first time I Renewed a person's Energy," I correct.
He's quiet, his face serious, and for a time just the gentle tap of our feet breaks the silence. "An apt dream for a day such as today," he says calmly, skimming past my mistake and entra dip their heads as we pass, for Fendan, not me.
We step into a lift and Fendan taps the codes for the canteen upon a touchscreen. We're alone now. For five years the events after Detrie have, intermittently, clouded my thoughts and made me question the competence of our Emperor, Haroc. I don't know if it's the dream or the fact I'm an adult, but I feel ready to speak about it now, ready to ease my guilt.
"I'm sorry, for what I did that day..." I look away, down at my black boots. "Was he very angry with you?"
"Are you?" Fendan laughs, his fingers tap over the touchscreen and the lift stops. "Was he very angry?" He laughs, again. "Haroc took you to Detrie to show you what we do, it was a lesson. So, what did you learn?"
"I learnt that entra command power, that we are the biggest force the universe has ever seen." A screen on the wall flashes blue, a lighter shade than my uniform, more Fendan's skin colour. Apparently, the lift is not pleased we stopped. "I learnt that no one could resist us. I learnt... we cannot even resist ourselves."
"You learnt," Fendan corrects, "that every action has consequences and sometimes those consequences are dealt to others."
Fendan rolls his sleeve up. Embedded into his forearm is a small touchscreen. I watch, intrigued by this unknown piece of tech. Words fill the screen, but one specifically grabs my attention, "Release". One by one Fendan plucks his four fingers from his hand and within the stumps are holes lined with blue metal. He holds up his hand to show me. This was the consequence of my actions on Detrie.
"Haroc did this?" I ask, but I'm not surprised.
Fendan nods and replaces his robotic fingers. "You learnt that if you are to resist Haroc you must be subtle. Clever. From today onwards you are no longer under my charge, you must forge a place for yourself... you have a choice, will you pick the path of ease or chaos?"
"To me all pathways are chaotic."
Fendan taps the screen and the lift jolts upwards. "Yes. But there is predictable chaos and true chaos, the downfall of all you know."
I frown. "What are you saying to me?"
"I'm just curious of what type of entra you will choose to be." He watches me as the lift doors slide open. "Let us speak no more about it, for today is a day of celebration."
We step across the corridor and the door to the canteen parts for us. A wall of chatter slaps me in the face, loud and raucous, obnoxious. Shouts and bangs tangle around the canteen and fall into my ears, there's a fight in the corner, the sounds of entra in their natural habitat.
Heads of grey turn to the doorway, black eyes, devoid of emotion, stare. Silence rolls across the room as people notice Fendan. A deep clang resonates as someone falls back, onto a table. Silence, even with Fendan here, its hold is only tentative. I cringe internally, because I know the culprit, her fist pounds into a stomach, a persistent dull thud. She stops and glances around, confusion spreads as she notices her audience gone and then she sees us and flashes me a smile.
Fendan's boots echo against the floor, he doesn't need words, he doesn't even need violence. I walk beside him, not a single person dares to meet my eyes, today. The entra stunned silent remember themselves, their left foot slams against the floor. A sign of respect from a canteen full of people, who have spent the last seventeen years shunning me, hating me. But this isn't for me, it's for Fendan.
Entra can't cope with diversity, but they all seem to like Fendan well enough. But Fendan's over one hundred years old, Fendan, alongside Haroc, started the revolution, that separated the entra from the Entara. Fendan is Haroc's Second. I've done nothing, but I'm going to.
We cut the queue for the food dispensers and head immediately to the front. The person next in line stands aside, head dipped as we select our breakfast from the menu. What will it be today, mush or maybe... mush?
I gaze across the space as I wait for my food. Prime flawlessly mirrors the black beyond the windows. Black walls, floor, tables. Flashes of grey skin and blue uniform break up the tirade of black like stars across the cosmos. But despite the lack of colour, the room is not dark, light shines into every nook, crack and cranny. The light will find you, on Prime, there is nowhere to hide.
We sit at a table in the corner, by a curved window and Fendan looks at his food with distaste. I can't blame him. Lumps of brown rise like hills in a sea of grey mush. Food for the masses is not made to look appetising, or smell... of anything. In fact, it's not made to ignite any of the senses.
"I hadn't realised the canteen food had been reduced to this." He shakes his head as his fork pushes his mushy breakfast around the container. "Scientists."
"But it's completely nutritious, it's all the body needs... after all, taste serves no purpose," I speak in the same serious voice of a Science Entra but finish with a smirk.
"I'll remind you of that next time I catch you eating from my kitchen." He takes a bite and returns the fork to the metal container.
Our conversation feels loud and obnoxious, our voices echo and for a moment I don't realise why.
Fendan sighs, his eyes dart up and spill over every Entra. "You can talk," he snaps. "I do not want to sit in a canteen where I can hear the sound of my own breathing." He looks to me as timid chatter grows around us. "Honestly, it's like I'm not a permanent fixture on prime."
"You've been gone a year," I remind him.
"Hey," an entra pipes up from behind me, and I make a point of not turning, I already know who it is. Ramet. "So, am I good to continue my fight?" she says, and I cringe once more.
"As long as it's not in my line of sight—" Fendan smiles at me "—and keep the sound down."
A gentle chatter grows around us, more subdued that usual, thanks to Fendan's presence. They're right to be cautious.
"How long are you staying?" I ask with my fork poised before my mouth.
From the corner of my eye I watch as a fleet of Battle Cruisers arrange themselves in formation. They sparkle blue and then disappear from view. What worlds will they be infecting with their iron tight work ethics and infallible beliefs?
"Just a day or two," Fendan says, dismissively, "but you will be deployed after the ceremony."
I nod. Disappointed, scared. So much change, but the change from child to adult is the most jarring. Haroc doesn't seem to understand that growth is slow, that on the day that marks you an adult there is no extraordinary transformation. I'm still the same person I was yesterday. But why would he understand, why would any entra?
"I wish I could be deployed with your fleet," I whisper, and I gaze out of the window.
"No, Cantral, you don't wish that." Fendan pushes the container away. "That was terrible."
I lean forwards. "What is your fleet doing? You can tell me."
"We're getting our hands dirty. We're preparing for the future. Anyway, I've left my second in charge for a time, I'll be working closer to home for the coming weeks," Fendan says, I open my mouth to speak but he silences me with a shake of the head. "Are you nervous about the ceremony?"
"Of course she's not." Ramet sits beside me, blue blood splatters her face and uniform and she places a vacuum sealed packet on the table. Her arm drapes over my shoulder and squeezes me tightly, her mouth plants a kiss onto my cheek and then moves to my lips.
"Okay," Fendan groans, "that's quite enough."
Ramet pulls away, she unravels her messy bun and smooths her hair back. "You jealous." She grins and leans forward as she finishes securing her neater bun. "Do you wish my lips were on you instead, do you wish my tongue—"
"Ramet! Seriously." I push her away and she laughs loudly. She takes too many chances with Fendan. To many chances with Haroc too, it's scares me.
Fendan laughs too. "I do wish I had your tongue ... In a jar, so you could no longer talk or do any of the other things you enjoy so much."
Ramet grins widely, there's a thud under the table as she kicks her boots off. "Cantral's going to name me as her second, did she tell you?"
Ramet stands and unzips her bloody uniform. It peels from her like a second skin. I inhale sharply and look away, she's not naked underneath, and for that I'm grateful because with Ramet you never know. My fingers strum atop the table, she's standing in a canteen of upwards of three hundred people, and Fendan, in just her underwear and she doesn't care.
Thick silver scars tangle over her entire body and here she displays them without shame, but when we're alone, it's a different story. Within a universe where the majority of entra have never had a single scar, thanks to our phenomenal healing technology, Ramet stands out, her scars were a gift. Her scars prove she's something and she wants everyone to know. Except me.
"Of course," Fendan replies, he leans back in his chair, possessed by an air of ease, unbothered by Ramet's bold behaviour, "and I warned her fervently against it. You are immature and reckless... but you are also excellent, clever, you seem to exceed at everything... at least in the simulation rooms. I hope you will rise to the challenge and serve Cantral and your people well."
I look to Ramet as she breaks open the seal on the packet and speak before she can. "She will." And inside, where no one can hear me, I pray to the Universe, I am right.
Blue fabric slips from the open packet. Ramet steps into fresh uniform, the zip closes over her skin and defends her modesty once more. She sits with a self-satisfied smile.
Fendan slides from his chair. "I will meet you at the ceremony, I must see Haroc." He glances to Ramet. "Don't make her late." He sighs as he continues to stare at her. "And wash the blood off your face."
We both watch Fendan leave and the wave of dipping heads that proceed him. As the door closes behind him chatter resumes, raucous, loud. There's shouts and clangs but I ignore the commotion and smile at Ramet.
"I can't believe today is finally here." She sits sideways in her chair and leans her back against the window. "You know I turned down the command of my own ship to be your second—"
I lean forwards with a frown, I wanted to scold her on her behaviour, but this new topic must take precedence. "What?"
"Yeah, about a month ago Haroc called me to his quarters, he said I'd impressed him in the Trials of Jarem and he wanted to give me my own command."
I laugh and replace my fork in my container. "You said no to Haroc? Even you're not that unintelligent."
"I said, I was committed to your greatness. That you were more important than my success." Her fingers tap a beat on the metal table. "I told him I loved you."
I lean back and stare out the window. "Lie to everyone, lie to Haroc if you're foolish enough but don't lie to me. I know you—"
"I'd give up everything for you, I'd drop everything and follow you across the universe, I'll live in your shadow because at least that means I'm with you." Ramet leans in, she's millimetres from my lips. "Tomorrow we leave for some unknown mission, I've sacrificed everything for this and you, don't mess it up."
"Don't mess it up," I snap. "What's that supposed to mean?"
Ramet looks around and continues in a whisper. "You feel sympathy for aliens. Shhh, don't deny it, I know you. I know see the expression in your eyes when Haroc talks of the worlds we're invading... You need to snap out of it."
"What if we're wrong," I whisper. "What if the Universe doesn't want this? What if there isn't a limited amount of Energy... what if Haroc's wrong—"
"Shut up!" Ramet face scrunches. "If your heard ..." She glances around but there's no one within earshot. "So what," she continues quieter, "if he's wrong, me and you look after each other, no one else matters. We can have a good life ... and I didn't lie to Haroc, I do love you, okay?"
I nod. "Sure." I didn't want to hear she loved me in this way. I planned a special day when I told her, but it was nothing more than a joke to Ramet, nothing ever is, so why is she so serious today?
I retrieve a wet wipe from the dispenser on the table. They're supposed to be used to wipe the table after each use, but entra don't make a mess whilst eating, only when fighting. I wipe the cloth over Ramet's face and remove the splatters of blue.
Ramet and I deposit our empty food containers and wet wipe down a shoot near the exit. Washed and renewed, entra waste nothing. We abandon the canteen together and I steal discrete looks at her as we walk to the ceremony. She's dressed like me, in uniform, a deep blue jumpsuit that classes her as a high-ranking junior. But it's a winding scar embedded into her cheek that steals my attention.
Two months ago, she was as scar-free as me. I pleaded with her not to take part in the Trials of Jarem, a month-long trial of endurance, stamina and pain. Jarem was a warrior, tortured for forty days and nights but he killed his captors and almost single handily took their planet. He died one hundred years ago, before entra scientists had unlocked the door to immortality.
Now entra fight for the same honours he received, in the Trial named after him. They endure exactly what he did. And if they survive, if they complete it, if the word 'stop' does not escape their lips either by accident or on purpose, then they have won. Then they will command all manner of privileges.
When Ramet returned from the Trials, gone was the person I knew, someone else took her place. Her jokey fun demeanour took on a crueller twist. And there's a part of her I can no longer tap into. There's a part I don't recognise anymore.
We stop at double doors, entra suited in metal stand guard outside, weapons at the ready. For what exactly, I don't know. But over the years the presence of armed guards has quadrupled, despite not a single wayward non-entra ship heading into Prime space, despite not a single threat.
Ramet pulls me to face her, she unties my hair and smooths it back into a neater bun. "I'm proud to call you my partner." She stoops and presses her blue lips against mine. "Are you nervous?"
"Cantral," a voice calls and I turn to see Jaxa, my mentor, my longest friend, "a word—" her disdainful glare sweeps over Ramet "—alone."
"I'll see you after the ceremony," Ramet says, she scowls at Jaxa. "Tomorrow you'll be dipping your head to me, old one." She laughs as she disappears behind the double doors.
As the doors close, I turn to Jaxa. She's dressed in a jumpsuit a few shades darker than mine, it names her, a senior member of Prime's staff. She has assisted Haroc and Fendan for years, and when I was old enough, Haroc commanded she be my mentor. She taught me to read and write, she taught me to fight. She taught me to hold my head up high and stare into the eyes of every entra who dares to doubt me.
Jaxa looks to me, her face as serious as ever. "I remember when I first met you—"
"Don't." I laugh.
"A skinny timid child, scared to let go of Fendan's hand, scared of the universe you were born into." A rare smile breaks over her face, like the rising of a distant sun. "You questioned everything, you annoyed me so much." She laughs and I do too. "I had never felt pride in anyone before you came along. And I know that even as an adult you will continue to make me proud."
My smile fades, I glance to the guards and continue in a whisper. "And what if I can't? What if I am not made for the entra life?"
Jaxa pulls me into a hug, the same hug she gave me as a child every time my world felt as if it were on the verge of collapse. "I have only one bit of advice," she whispers in my ear. "Let your doubts guide you." She pulls away and looks to the guards. "We're ready."
I'm not ready but I never will be. Let my doubts guide me, how can doubts guide anyone? Entra shouldn't have doubts, they shouldn't doubt their worth but I'm not a real entra, I'm a half breed. Many disagree with Haroc's favour towards me. They disagree in whispers, whispers that travel the corridors and find my ears. I'm hated by most, but the most powerful man in the universe favours me, he favours the half breed. He says my life is not a waste, that I have earnt the right to call myself entra. But of course, I doubt him.
The room is silent as we enter. It's filled with thousands of entra, the highest ranking entra on Prime. And around the perimeters of the room, more armed soldiers. Hundreds, Haroc's paranoia knows no bounds. Light floods the area, courtesy of the glass domed ceiling we're beneath and the largest known star shines brightly, intimidating us with its size. Entra aren't used to feeling small, except, I am.
The star is called Naerris and Haroc believes it protects him. That here, before this star, the link with the Universe is the strongest.
We're bathed in orange light as Jaxa and I walk down the centre of the room. Entra stand on either side, serious giants with heartless cheer. Haroc grows as I near him, he's not the biggest entra but his will and personality make you believe he is. Fendan stands beside him, Fendan the man who raised me. Fendan the blue man, half entra, half entara.
Blue hair, blue eyes, blue skin. So much blue, in a universe of grey. Fendan doesn't even dress like an entra and for some reason Haroc doesn't care. Maybe it's love.
Jaxa leaves my side and I continue to walk closer to Haroc. Slow, controlled steps, and a confidence I'm an expert at faking. I stop before him and stand with my hands behind my back and my head held high. Not every new Captain gets a ceremony on command of their first Battle Cruiser, but no other entra has ever come of age before. I was born from a woman, not a machine. I was born a baby, not an adult.
"Today," Haroc speaks with a voice as deep as the ocean and it crashes against the silence like waves against rocks, "we celebrate Cantral, today she has reached adulthood. Many I have heard do not believe she is entitled to her entra status, they have named her a half breed, an abomination!"
I stare ahead and place Fendan in my sights, we swap smiles, and he flashes me a look, that says: what did you expect? Behind, I feel the cumulative tension of thousands. Haroc never misses an opportunity to make people wriggle with anxiety, to turn a joyous occasion into a nerve-racking experience. But I'm secretly pleased, this time.
"And if you look amongst yourselves, you may realise those people are not here today. They are not here at all, their Energy has been Returned to the Universe." That means they were ejected from Prime in their spacesuits and sent into the sun. Good riddance. Haroc smiles at me with kindness. "Cantral, you have exceeded every expectation. You have grown from ignorance and now you stand under the light, the stars are the eyes of the Universe and she sees you, she shines on you and favours you... will accept the designation of Captain?"
Let your doubts guide you. Am I ready to be Captain? I don't feel ready. But how I feel really has no bearing on anything.
"I will." I smile and turn to face the crowd. "To those of you I like, you will know me as loyal and trustworthy, kind and compassionate. But to everyone else, I will say, today I am different, I am no longer a child and if you oppose me, you will not have your Energy Renewed by Haroc, you will be killed by me. Your Energy will not be Returned to the Universe, I will guide you to a black hole."
Mouth's twitch, they want to speak up, they want to call out what I said, because I said something even Haroc has never spoken. Killing is forbidden in entra society. Stars are the eyes of the Universe, but black holes they are the opposite of Energy, they take the Universe's Energy, they hoard it. Their power blinds you and from it you receive nothing. If a soul's Energy is guided to a black hole, it is there they will remain, never to be reborn, never to have use and for an entra, that is the ultimate worst.
Haroc laughs. "You have been warned."
He may not take me seriously; he may not believe I will do that and maybe no one else does either, but today everyone has learnt something. The most powerful man in the universe will back me when I speak the ultimate sin. Today we all learn that I am more powerful than anyone ever believed.
"You are to be given charge of a new Battle Cruiser, made for this very day," Haroc continues. "This ship and your crew will take the entra to new space, to worlds not yet discovered, you, Cantral, will bring about the future and now it is time to name your Second..."
The Second in command, in entra culture is a significant role. It's a role of complete trust and loyalty. Fendan is Haroc's Second, and their bond stretches over a century. Their bond is iron tight, nothing comes between them. Fendan stands beside Haroc no matter how many times he's beaten, he upholds Haroc's values, he loves him. But is that really how it should be?
Let your doubts guide you. I look to Ramet, I will never treat her how Haroc treats Fendan, but will she treat me that way? Can she be loyal and trustworthy? She'll stand in my shadow, is that what she thinks? Her words repeat in my head, you're an alien sympathiser, don't mess this up. My fists curl, don't worry, Ramet, I'm not going to mess this up.
"Cantral, who will be your Second?" Haroc says.
Let your doubts guide you, now I understand. "Jaxa," I say, because when I think of Jaxa there are no doubts.
The smile drops from Ramet's face. Before she said she loved me and tonight I'll hear the opposite, I'm certain, but I can't think of that now. Instead, I watch Jaxa as she comes to stand beside me. She takes my hand and squeezes it gently, she looks past Ramet, past the crowd and to the star above. And I realise a weight I never knew I was carrying has lifted from me.