Part III of The Post-Finals Paintball Crisis
Inspired by Community S2E24: "For A Few Paintballs More."
Piper POV
Piper McLean should have sent her headshots to that modeling agency when her mother pressured her last year. "Why don't you take some time off since you still don't know what to major in?" she suggested. "You're too pretty to go to college and not join a sorority!" Something tells her that her mother would be even more appalled if she found out that the only sororities at New Rome Community College frown upon dating.
It's time to stop thinking like that. Piper made her choice, and now she's at New Rome in the middle of a paintball battle to the death. What does she need one hundred thousand dollars and a year's supply of Flex Seal products for anyway? Her dad is Tristan McLean, an A-List actor and darling of the tabloids!
Time to count some blessings; that always makes her feel better. At the very least, it'll prevent the panic attack she feels coming on.
Okay, okay. First, when Fort Levesque collapsed, Piper and her study group—sans Hazel, who is missing in action—set up a camp in the mythology classroom. For once, Piper wishes she were listening to some boring lecture from Mr. Brunner. It's not the ideal situation, but she's at least thankful to have a haven.
Something else to be thankful for: Piper's pirate costume is still intact. Yes, a poofy skirt and heeled boots weren't the best choice for an impromptu paintball game but granted, it's impromptu. Annabeth's outfit is still intact too, surprisingly. She had a couple of not-so-nice complaints about it when she put it on about twelve or so hours ago, but she looks hot in fishnet tights and thigh-high boots. Damn, that girl has a set of legs.
Piper needs a third thing; have you ever noticed how these anxiety prevention exercises always come in threes? Alright, for her third thing, she probably shouldn't bring up how amazing Jason was earlier because that'll only make her feel guilty about staring at Annabeth a little longer than best friends do on a platonic level.
Oops. Too late.
That might not even be a problem soon enough. Annabeth and Frank volunteered to go to Phil Swift's Flex Seal RV to find out what's going on, and if the paintball game is even still happening. They should be back any minute now—that is unless they were intercepted by enemies.
No. Piper can't think about that now. She needs to make like DJ Khalid and stay focused.
"You okay, Pipes?" Jason asks.
She should be. It's just a friendly end-of-finals celebration. "I'm not even sure anymore," she admits. There's a lot of stuff she isn't sure of, like why she has a thing for blondes, for example.
"Can I get you anything?" Jason offers, maintaining that sweet nonjudgemental demeanor. Piper doesn't even need to do that anti-anxiety exercise because her sweet situationship would be here to support her if she had a panic attack.
"No, but thanks anyway."
"Okay, just let me know if that changes."
Leo zooms over on a swivel chair, interrupting what had 'intimate moment' potential. "Please take one of Percy's Kool-Aid Jammers. They're starting to attract bugs."
"How is that?" Piper asks even though she doesn't want to know the answer.
Percy dumps some papers from his backpack into a wastebasket. "I must have sat on them or something, and now they've leaked through my mythology midterm exam. I was going to put that on my mom's fridge next to my little sister's color-by-number drawings!"
"Fine then," Piper surrenders, "gimme a juice pouch."
"I think you mean a blue raspberry Kool-Aid Jammer," Percy corrects. He hands Piper a sticky drink anyway.
But of course, just as she presses the yellow straw to her lips, she jumps at the sound of running in the hall, and not just one person running. No, it sounds like an entire herd of elephants stampeding the history department.
The squeaky wooden door is kicked open by a combination of Frank and Annabeth.
"Ow, okay, jeez!" Annabeth complains, which is weird because Piper certainly wouldn't complain if Frank Zhang were carrying her bridal style.
"Sorry, Annabeth," Frank says.
"I can walk you know!"
"Sorry, Annabeth."
Quite the entourage follows Frank and Annabeth. All sorts of people Piper recognizes from classes, activities, and parties pour into the mythology classroom.
"Hope you don't mind, we brought some help," Annabeth says.
Jason shakes his head. "The more the merrier."
Frank lowers Annabeth onto a swivel chair and turns to the crowd. "I need a medic! Or uh, a nursing major! Or a bio major! Honestly, we're desperate enough for a pre-veterinary or a zoology major at this point!"
Percy rushes through the crowd and bends over at Annabeth's side. "Oh my god, Annabeth, what happened to you?"
"Just took the butt of a gun to the shoulder, no biggie."
Frank opens his mouth to object, but Percy beats him to it.
"No way," he says. "You're hurt. Come on, I'll drive you to the hospital. Frank, get my Kool-Aid Jammers."
"Screw that because it still isn't worthy of my one allotted F-bomb," Annabeth says.
"Pop! Pop!" Magnus yells. Faces in the staggered crowd nod in agreement.
"Pop, pop, indeed," Piper agrees, "but what about your shoulder? Are you just bruised or-"
"Oh, I definitely dislocated it!" Annabeth says with a thumbs up. Her enthusiasm is unwavering.
"Out of my way, pre-med student coming through!" shouts Will Solace.
Percy hiccups between tears. "You gotta do something, man!"
"This isn't so bad," Will says after a quick assessment. "We're just going to have to pop it back in place."
"Pop! Pop!" shouts Magnus. Where even is his Valhalla entourage?
"Yes, very much so. It's going to hurt like hell though," Will explains.
Frank zips the remaining Kool-Aid Jammers up in Percy's backpack. "Are you guys sure we shouldn't take her to urgent care or something? I think there's a Patient First down the street..."
"I don't have insurance," Annabeth barks. "Gimme something to bite down on so we can pop, pop, this thing back in place."
Piper hands her sweaty bandana over to her injured friend, who pulls her mask down and places the cloth between her teeth.
Will's friend Nico, who always appears when Will's around, now that Piper thinks of it, holds Will's gun.
Annabeth grits her teeth, and then the single worst popping sound ripples through the otherwise silent air.
And of course, because popping always comes in twos, Will moves Annabeth's arm outwards, and another POP forces a cringe out of Piper.
Magnus raises the roof and asks, "Pop? Pop?"
Annabeth spins her arm around like Percy in that water aerobics class Piper accidentally walked in on.
"Pop, Pop," Will confirms. "Or, uh, no more pop, pop."
Eyes widen at the medical genius of Will Solace. They absolutely should have taken Annabeth to urgent care. Still, some twenty-year-old kid just fixed her shoulder with nothing but a couple of anatomy credits and Nico di Angelo—you know, for moral support.
"Okay, I'll bite," says Leo. "What the hell happened in the RV? You know, the whole reason why you left in the first place and showed up with all these people. God, Lou Ellen, why are you standing so close to me?"
Frank's tone turns grave. "Well, we made it to the RV of Phil Swift, CEO of Flex Seal and inventor of products such as Flex Tape, Flex Glue, Flex Shot-"
"Yeah, that guy," Annabeth continues as she massages her shoulder. "So Dean D and Mr. Brunner already beat us there; they were going to ask about ending the game since it's already gotten so out of hand." She gestures to the people around them, all wearing torn clothes and bruises up and down their limbs. Piper knows the feeling. She bumped into a desk when she was running away from a mysterious player called the Praetor, who turned out to be Reyna in disguise. It hurt really bad. She'll probably have a bruise on her hip for the first week or so of her summer break. On the bright side, that'll give her some extra time to go bikini shopping.
Annabeth and Frank take turns filling the room in on the details of their side-quest. As it turns out, a bunch of students and staff from City College are teaming up with Phil Swift to make this the most chaotic game of paintball ever. It's like City College has a God complex or something.
Yes, that City College, home of Piper's debate team rival, Drew Tanaka, as well as other assholes such as—plot twist—Annabeth's ex-boyfriend from high school, a guy named Luke Castellan. Apparently, he's their campus activities director, so either he's young for the job, or way too old to have dated Annabeth.
Just as Dean D and Mr. Brunner were about to pull the plug on the whole ordeal, a small army of people dressed anonymously in white armored suits stormed into the RV and shot the New Rome leadership—with paintballs, of course. Just as Piper's ready to chime in with a that's excessive, someone else has a more concerning question.
"Wait, so are you guys saying there's an actual hate group on campus right now? 'Cause I don't like the sound of that..." Austin Lake asks.
"No," says Annabeth. "A bunch of City College students came here to hijack our game and win the prize."
"What should we do?" Jason asks.
Nico twists his skull ring. "I know I'm pretty good at paintball, but I don't think even I could take down an army that big."
"Oh my gods, it's hopeless!" Silena Beauregard shouts.
Mitchell shouts back. "'Oh my gods' isn't going to catch on, Silena! Give it a rest!"
"There's one more thing," Frank adds. "Phil Swift said... Well, he said that there is no flag. There never was. This is a true game of paintball assassins."
The commotion breaks out, mostly in fights over whether or not the paintball game is worth it anymore, although there are a couple of heated debates over the potential trendiness of 'oh my gods' as a catchphrase.
It's a little dramatic, but Piper kicks a chair to the floor to gather everyone's attention.
Shoot, now all eyes are on her. She'd better think of something to say before she loses them because, by some odd coincidence, most of the students enrolled at New Rome Community College have ADHD to some degree. Oh, great—now Piper's is kicking in.
"Nobody gets to shit on New Rome except for us," she says at last. "I say we take 'em down."
"Hell yeah!" Annabeth shouts.
"Oh my gods, yes!"
"It's not catching on, Silena!" Piper shouts back.
"Goodbye, Pirates of The Caribbean," says Will. "Hello, Star Wars."
It's an odd comparison to be made considering the livelihood of their college is at stake, but it's an accurate one nonetheless. This gang of misfits is turning out to be a full rebellion against their enemies at City College, and also Phil Swift apparently. That betrayal is on Piper though. Who in their right mind sees a corporate CEO through rose-colored glasses?
Percy crumbles up a juice pouch and tosses it in the trash can, except he doesn't realize that Leo started a garbage fire, so now the air smells like melting plastic. "Anyway," he says, "now that we're putting together a resistance, it's only fair that we nominate some leadership."
Jason puffs out his chest and pushes his glasses up the bridge of his nose. You wouldn't notice it at first, but he's a little taller than Percy and much more militaristic. He's the obvious choice to lead the resistance. This guy is organized, professional, and disciplined. Like Luke Skywalker, he listens to wisdom from his advisors and utilizes that knowledge to his advantage.
But the rebels in Star Wars weren't that organized, professional, or disciplined. In fact, they had leaders like Han Solo, a guy who may not have been the best in terms of leadership skills, but was successful because people liked him. People want to listen to guys they know will watch their backs—guys like Percy Jackson.
Either way, the choice is going to drive a wedge between the two bros, which might not be the best strategy for their resistance. How did those movies end up? The details are a little fuzzy. Piper's dad wouldn't let her watch them the whole way through since he's still a little sore after not being cast in the prequels.
Oh, that's right! You can't put men in charge of a rebellion or they'll just waste time comparing dicks—figuratively of course.
"Annabeth," Piper says. "You should lead the New Rome Resistance."
Annabeth twists her arm again. "I'm honored... I think."
Jason helps her out of the desk chair. "You're the best strategist we've got. There's no way we'll win without you in charge."
"Yeah, Annabeth, you'll be awesome!" Percy says.
Will Solace gasps. "Carrie Fisher, is that you?"
Great. Now that Percy and Jason have thrown support to the new leader, it's smooth sailing from here.
"What's our plan from here, uh, General Chase?" Frank asks.
Annabeth ties her bandana around her arm. "Well, for now, those of you who have a lot of extra ammo should give some to those who don't have much. I know you worked hard to earn it in battle, but it's our best bet until we can raid a stockpile."
Nico raises his hand. "I can take a team to raid the vents... or find Octavian, whichever comes first. He's hiding ammo somewhere, I just know it."
Will stands up. "I'll come with you!"
"No," Annabeth commands. "We need a medic here on base."
Piper nods her head in agreement. It's amazing watching Annabeth take the lead like this.
"But I have a doctor's note," Nico says.
Annabeth rolls her eyes, and Piper can't help but understand where she's coming from. Those two need to get together.
"I need a headcount of people missing in action," Annabeth says. "Frank, survey the masses and bring me a list—starting with Hazel." Ah, yes, Hazel Levesque went missing only a few hours ago in the aftermath of a heated duel. Piper doesn't like the way they left things. At first, she thought it was part of Hazel's dramatic threat to leave the study group, but now she's not so sure.
"And I hate to say this," Annabeth continues, "but if Dean D and Mr. Brunner were taken by Luke, we need to get them back before they do something stupid."
Piper's not about to argue with that.
"Sorry, I know this is like, safety priority and stuff, but what's your plan to kick some ass?" Clarisse La Rue asks.
Annabeth balls up her fists. "I'm getting there."
Something tells Piper that Clarisse and Annabeth have some sort of history she doesn't know about, but it's better to leave well enough alone than pry and piss off either one of them.
Annabeth's eyebrows knit together. Hell yeah, Piper thinks to herself. It's Plan Time.
"Hazel just texted..." Nico says. "It's... it's not good."
Franks surges towards Nico. "What does it say? Is she okay?"
"Chill out, man." Nico takes another look at his phone. His eyes widen. "They have her prisoner in the trunk of someone's car. She says it smells like weed."
Annabeth scowls. "Luke."
"Does anybody else hear that?" asks Leo. "It sounds like some sort of machine. Either that, or it's a wheely chair."
"How about both?" Jake Mason asks.
Leo pulls some wires from his belt pocket and starts twisting them together. "I mean, that's probably even worse because it could mean that someone's sending in a droid kind of attack."
"Oh my gods, just like Star Wars..." Will mutters.
"There it is!" Jason points to the offending object: a wheely chair with something duct-taped to the seat.
"That's a paint grenade!" Nico shouts.
It should all be over here. People are tilting the desks over to avoid getting hit with the paint, but the effort is no use. The resistance is going to be squashed before it even gets a chance.
But then something amazing happens. Piper never realized that somebody who seemed like such an airhead can also be so selfless.
And that's how with one final "Pop! Pop!" Magnus throws himself on top of the grenade, completely protecting the rest of the resistance.
"Magnus... you saved everyone," Percy says.
"Pop... pop..." he says weakly.
Piper offers Magnus a salute because that seems like the right thing to do. "Pop, pop," she says.
"Pop, pop," Annabeth agrees.
The crowd echoes her words, praising Magnus for his brave sacrifice, and helping him back to his feet so he can go back to his own college and do whatever it is Valhalla students do during finals week.
Leo points to a camera in the corner of the room. It's just a regular security camera like you might expect to see in a mall or a grocery store or a classroom. Given that none of the fire safety equipment at New Rome Community College works, Piper can only imagine the camera doesn't either. Then again, how else would Luke and the invaders from City College have known where to send that paint grenade?
Annabeth steps onto a desk and pulls her mask below her chin so she can yell into the camera. Piper feels inclined to point out that this is a little irrational, yet she engaged in a duel against Hazel today, so she's not one to judge.
"That's the best you got?" Annabeth shouts. "I sure hope you're listening, Luke, 'cause I can only imagine the look on your stupid face right now. We're gonna find you and your little army, and then we're gonna kick your asses. I don't know about these guys behind me, but I'm gonna have a smile on my face when I cover you head to toe in paint."
Wow, all that and she doesn't even use her one allotted F-bomb. Piper can't say she isn't impressed.
"Okay," Annabeth says, once again addressing the crowd. "This plan has to go perfectly the first time, so I'm thinking-"
"A trap in the library," Jason says. "We'll lure them in by using some unarmed players as pawns, and then go from there."
Annabeth starts to speak again, "Actually, I was thinking-"
"A direct assault on the RV!" Percy shouts.
Maybe Piper spoke too soon about Jason and Percy getting along and sealing potential divides in the resistance.
"The RV is where they're keeping the ammo, so it's best to take that down first," Percy says.
Jason crosses his arms. "No, we have to get them away from their base. The library is far enough away that nobody from City College can get to the RV before we can take them out."
And because this crowd is full of ADHD college students who can't keep their mouths shut, they start fighting with each other again.
"Woah, guys-" Annabeth starts, but she's cut off.
"Tell Connor that storming the RV is stupid since they have that massive paintball cannon!"
If the Stoll brothers are fighting, it's officially time to panic.
"Tell Travis that-"
"Wait," Leo says. "There's a paintball cannon?"
Travis and Connor nod and then go back to fighting.
Piper looks to Annabeth for an answer to a question she doesn't want to ask. "Are both plans doomed if they've got a super weapon? I mean, we don't know what the reach is on that thing."
"Never tell me the odds!" Annabeth shouts, getting a little too into her role. "Percy," she calls.
Percy saunters over to her carrying his bag full of Kool-Aid Jammers. Piper wonders if his confidence comes from the attention or the illusion that his plan is favorable.
Annabeth opens his bag and takes some juice pouches, tossing one to Piper and then chugging her own, not bothering to use the straw. "That's better. To answer your question, Pipes, we're not doomed... yet. Not if we divide and conquer."
"What are you saying?" Jason asks.
"I'm saying that we're going to use both plans. Jason, you, Piper, and Leo lead a team to the library. Leo, remember that plan we talked about?"
Leo's eyes light up. "Plan twenty-three?"
"Rig it in the library."
"Epic!" Leo runs off to gather supplies. Piper isn't sure she wants to know what this plan entails.
Annabeth continues to explain her grand plan. "Percy and I will lead a team to the RV. We're going to need the toughest of the bunch. Clarisse, Sherman... How many brothers and sisters do you have left?"
Clarisse offers a hand. "Mars Coed Fraternity Chapter Five calls a truce with Annabeth Chase."
Annabeth obliges to the handshake, but says, "I had no idea we were fighting. Let's get ready to move out, people!"
"What about me?" Frank asks.
Annabeth snaps a finger gun. "Leo and I need you here to operate the base. You'll know the signal when we give it. Leo can explain Plan Twenty-Three."
Quickly, Frank's expression changes from shock to one of pride. "Okay. Yeah. I can do that."
"Nico!" Annabeth shouts. "Can you drive a golf cart?"
"I wouldn't be caught dead in a golf cart," he replies.
Annabeth crosses her arms. "Then who am I supposed to trust to find and distribute ammo?"
Nico's eyes light up. "Golf cart it is. I'm not risking the Vespa. C'mon, Will!"
The mob starts to split into teams. Annabeth may have claimed the Mars Coed Fraternity for her and Percy's ambush, but Jason's already recruiting Malcolm Pace, the best strategist in the MythoMagic club, and Leo's chatting up some of his crazy engineering friends: Jake Mason, who tricked out his wheelchair to look like a fighter ship from Star Wars, Charles Beckendorf, who only goes by 'Beckendorf' or occasionally just 'Beck,' and Nyssa Barrera, the woman in STEM herself. This team is going to be perfect.
"Piper!" Silena calls. "Over here!" She waves around a green bandana.
"Oh, uh, hey Silena..." Look, it isn't that Piper doesn't like Silena.
It's that Silena wants to join her team in the library, and Piper's not sure what a fashion design major is going to do that's helpful.
"I've got great news!" she says.
"Oh, I'm sure you do..." Piper trails off.
Silena gestures to her entourage—oh god it's Lacy, Mitchell, and some other girl.
Piper doesn't have anything specific against them either. Well, maybe she does. Lacy still hasn't dropped the pigtails, Mitchell is wearing a neon laser tag vest, and the other girl is carrying some sort of a briefcase. Do these people know anything about subtly, or just how to get a perfect eyeliner wing?
"You know Lacy and Mitchell and Valentina, I'm sure."
Instead of saying no, I have never seen Valentina in my life, Piper chooses to hear Silena out.
"We're great at camouflage, and makeup, and I've got CPR training from babysitting," Silena continues.
"I can do the Heimlich maneuver!" Lacy adds with way too much enthusiasm.
Mitchell snaps a grabber at the ground—you know, the kind old people use when they can't get off the couch. "I found this!"
"I play the clarinet!" That better not be what Valentina has in the briefcase.
Piper opens her mouth, but no easy letdown comes out. These people are incredibly useless, but just so genuine. Maybe they can hang back and help Frank when he inevitably gets sick from eating the fried Oreos at the end-of-the-year barbecue this morning.
"Piper!" Jason calls. "Let's roll out! Leo has Plan Twenty-Three set up."
"So are we coming?" Silena asks.
Piper smacks her palm against her forehead. "Fine. Just do everything we tell you, okay?"
Lacy and Mitchell link arms and skip to catch up with Leo's group of engineering majors while Valentina rambles about this one time at band camp.
"Thanks, Piper," Silena says.
"For what?"
"You know."