Vile after vile of blood is pulled as I sit in the bed in my room, numb to the strange feeling of the IV being placed into the other arm. It wasn't something that bothered me, a dull prick compared to the various other ailments and injuries I'd had.
"So you slept with his younger self...?" Adriam prys, earning a look of shock from me at the bluntness of his intrusion. Rolling his eyes, he scoffs, "I was eavesdropping. What do you want from me? I'm worried about you two."
"Yes. It was an urge that I struggled to deny, the first time was due to the siren song but this time, it was just something I desperately wanted to do. Verando is not keen on me having him in the way my wolf desires him, he doesn't want to submit, so being with a version of him that wanted me in any way he could have me was a temptation that I, unfortunately, threw myself into." Disgusted with myself all over again, I cross my legs on the bed as the nurse hands me another bowl of oatmeal since I'd succeeded in keeping the first one down.
"He's never going to forgive me."
Adriam rolls his eyes, "He just told you he already did, this is just part of it, honey. You've just got to work on things, show him how much he means to you, and rekindle your bond. I think about that day you came to us often, he looked at you then with so much trust, I wasn't surprised when we stormed the castle and saw that he kept you alive. Interesting that you erased only his memory."
"I wanted Caspian to suffer." I was unapologetic. "Caspian caused him so much pain, I know he wanted to be good but he wasn't, and wanting to be isn't a good excuse for all the abuse."
Adriam doesn't argue back with me, loading up the viles into a tray as he writes down what they're all for. "Lay back."
I do as I'm told as he pushes my shirt up, palpating my stomach with his warm hands. "The wolf makes people do ridiculous things, it's been a hard adjustment for all of us, it's just good to know you're a permanent part of the family. I had argued with him constantly we needed to find a way to change you if he was going to keep you around before you both disappeared. You've been good for him, give yourself some credit."
Running a hand through my hair as I try and relax, Adam puts the gel on my stomach, taking the probe and placing it carefully as he watches the screen. "I know we didn't always get along, but I really missed you, Adam. I.. don't.. know if I'm allowed to tell you this but I was the one who originally killed you."
Hesitating, he nods. "I know. Do you not remember that you still tried? I just lay there, watching everyone leave, as if they didn't realize that I was alive. Then Victor came in and took me away, he explained best he could that this was the closest he'd been able to get to me after I saved him. I'd wondered why he vanished but assumed since I couldn't even think about him, that it was part of what you'd explained to me. It would seem the timeline must stay true to itself in some instances."
It would make sense, my memories hadn't changed much though the human ones were muddied compared to what I'd experienced as a lycan. "This is the hardest thing I've ever done. I feel unhinged, Verando does his best to be understanding but I'm torn between how little progress I'm making and yet how in control I can be when I insist it upon myself. My emotions are all over the place."
Pulling his eyebrows together, he moves the probe, taking long calm breaths. The warm gel compared to the cold machine was an odd sensation and I wriggle my toes anxiously. "The rest of us have been living with this for a long longer than you have, do you not remember how unhinged Alpha was? Nobody is upset with you for lack of control, I think it's because it was him that he's so upset." Frowning, he moves over the same spot a few times, I find myself wishing I could see what he was seeing.
"I wouldn't of done it with anyone else. Frankly... I didn't think he would care. But now, I see what that was just a ridiculous thought considering who the man is. It was so damned selfish."
"Well, Nic, it is one of your coping mechanisms. It's how you've always dealt with being upset the entire time I've known you. The two of you have fornicated in the strangest of settings, it's how you bond and cope. It's how you show you love someone. Give him time, but also, give yourself some time to really think about why you did this. He loves you, that's most of the battle." Turning the screen to face me, he points at the round black circle.
"That is the space."
It looked so empty, small, as he moves the probe back and forth. "That is your organs, bladder, intestine, and various other playmates that actually belong there. But that-" He freezes the screen, "doesn't. Judging by your bloodwork, and by the fact that the space looks smaller, you lost whatever was in there a few days ago. For that, I truly am sorry. But, I do feel like, given the circumstances, you should highly consider having this removed."
Watching the screen, I can already envision what it might look like, full, carrying a tiny little piece of myself. "Adriam. Didn't you once tell me you were a woman trapped in a man's body?"
Reluctantly, he nods, straightening one of his bracelets. "I often do feel that way."
"I don't feel that way. John, Tyler's father, called me a man and I've never been happier in the praise of a stranger. I've found a love in fixing things, I think I want to open my own shop and repair old cars because I love to watch Verando's face when he drives them. But this is something that has been a void in my life, I've wanted to carry a child since Penelope told me she was pregnant. All things considered, if this was your body, could you say you'd truly give it up?"
Letting his shoulders relax, Adriam runs a hand through his locks as he also turns his attention to the screen. The pale, cream-colored skin played so smoothly against the large honey eyes. His long eyelashes were still wet from the tears earlier. "Taking on a job as a medic, as a doctor, means doing what is right for the patient. This could irreparably damage your body though I don't think it will kill you. You were not meant to hold a child, it could hurt your spine, and you would have to have surgery to remove the baby, break your ribs, and damage your organs. The blood and nutrients have to come from somewhere, it could be a vital piece that damages everything."
Each reason why felt like a stab to my heart, closing my eyes, I settle back into the bed and try to reason with myself how ridiculous I was acting.
"But." Folding his hands in his lap, he looks down at his knees as he composes the words carefully. "I can't say that I wouldn't see this as a blessing. Victor and I never adopted, not with our life style, seeing the two of you carry on with these boys and how sweet and kind they are, how happy they are beyond this trauma... it makes me regret never trying to go that route."
His words catch me off guard, I had expected more of a scolding on how damaged poor Xaiver was. "Darrius is the unicorn. Somewhere, inside him, is the spirit of the earth trying to give you some sort of reward. If this is the route you want to take, if this is what you want to do, I will support you and help you the best way that I can. But. I am not the one you have to convince."
Verando would not want another child. It wasn't my safety, entirely, that he was worried about. It was my inconsistency, my lack of ability to remain the same mentally through all the happenings. He did not see our children as well-rounded, happy boys. He was saddened by how much they had to be held back, how little they got to play with other children, and how sheltered they had to be due to who Darrius was.
We'd talked about school, yet we had to keep moving and that would have been impossible. Besides the fact that magical schools were few and far between, it was not safe to send him to any public schools. With how much Verando traveled for work, staying in the same place would mean allowing him to go off by himself while we remained behind. The children seemed as unwilling to do that as I was, we were his pack and he was our Alpha.
"Does that mean you're staying?" I ask him, keeping my voice small.
Shocked, Adriam scoffs, "Honey, absolutely. I've been trying to get to you two for two hundred years. You will have to send me away if you want rid of me, what this place lacks in culture it does make up for in scenery and hunting. They could use a doctor like me, it'll be nice to be appreciated and entertain retirement again. Besides, there are so many more members of this family that I'm dying to meet again. Legardo, Helen, I'm interested to see what's become of Tonic-"
Tonic. Tonic was missing as well.
"Daddy, why aren't you sleeping in here with us?" Darrius asks, I swoon quietly as Xaiver curls up to Verando's side, already asleep. I'd expected the boy to be terrified, but while he still wasn't talking, he was happy to be with his Daddy.
"There's not enough room in that bed, baby." Verando responds so smoothly, I envy his ability to keep our kids out of our issues as I kiss the top of Darrius's head. Being just down the hall, it felt so strange to not be with him. "A few more days and we'll be going to our new house. Is that exciting?"
New house? I tilt my head. "I do suppose that John and Jan's home isn't in the best repair."
"They're going to have to level it with all the damage. I'm going to be buying the property off of them, it's a big investment but it'll be worth it for the hunting and the distance."
I nearly choke on my own shock. "Excuse me? Did you not consider-" Stopping myself, I knew that it was his money and that we weren't on the best terms right now. "We did break it. I suppose it is the right thing to do. They're older, they could use the break from having to keep up the land."
A farm? Did we really need a farm? Though the idea of having a place for cattle and growing our own food did appeal to me, it was something I wish he would have talked to me about. "What is the 'new' house?"
"New house! New house!" Darrius giggles excitedly.
"Well, Marcello purchased the one in France, so it freed up some room to buy a smaller home close by to this place that eventually, Helen and Tyler will take over." A few hours awake and he's already planning out our future. I'd been spiraling, while he's been making sure we have a home to go back to. "The neighborhood is decent, up and coming, affordable enough that everyone could buy up land around it if they so pleased but we could have our own space again without a dozen family members living with us."
That sounded like a dream come true at this point, we'd been hosting for so long and living out guest rooms with the way our lives had been, I liked the idea of the farm more and more as I thought about the distance just to get down the driveway. It would be difficult to sneak up on us out there, and owning all the land might give him more peace of mind that he controlled the space.
In the back of my mind, I worried the two homes would be to separate us. I would live in one, while he lived in the other. Would that truly be something he considered? He said he still loved me, I had to hold onto that.
Darrius babbles on about his room, and what he wanted it to look like, Verando talks with him quietly as if he'd never missed a beat being out of the boy's life. Darrius was so thrilled to have his father back, but I was enjoying the loyalty of the boy to stay with me. We truly bonded in the week Verando was gone. Brushing his hair back out of his face, I imagine what a baby might look like before stopping myself from getting too attached to the idea.
"Daddy, when can we go home?"
Yawning, Verando considers this for a moment, "Tata and Daddy probably have to stay in the hospital a few more days, but your Uncle Addie has a hotel if you want to go play with him and Victor? We've got a lot more tests to do, baby. It's going to be pretty boring here."
"I won't get bored," Darrius says quickly, snuggling closer to me. I kiss the top of his head.
"You don't have to go, Dare. It's just an offer. We have to do some therapy tomorrow, so we won't be in the room much to be with you."
"Is Daddy going to leave again?" He frowns, folding his hands in his lap. "I don't want to be sent away. I miss you both." Sniffling, he hugs me tightly as I kiss the top of his head repeatedly.
"We're going to try our hardest to not leave, honey."
"We can play tomorrow?" He asks hopefully.
Verando sighs, it hurt him just as badly as it hurt me to tell him no. "Victor can take you outside in the snow again?" He offers, getting a reluctant nod. He wasn't used to both of us being down at the same time, but he seemed appeased for now. The poor things could hardly be getting enough sleep with the number of monitors, beeps, and lights that surrounded us.
Bidding me goodnight, he turns off the camera before telling me he loved me, I try not to let it get to me as I snuggle into bed with Darrius.
We spend the next few days hardly seeing each other, in and out of physical therapy where I worry they're going to attempt to break my leg by all the stretching they want me to do. Verando has the opposite problem of me, they want to know where all his sudden mass had come from. Muscle weighed more than fat, or at least that's what they told us, so it surely wasn't a concern from that aspect but Fenrir's influence was still a question in the back of everyone's mind.
It was decided, that for the time being, we should be allowed to live our lives as necessary in the coming months as the holidays grew closer. With Thanksgiving only two weeks away, we all could use a break from chasing ghosts and trying to return the devil's beast back to hell. Locked in Verando's body, each day reassured us that it seemed like our seal and the chain would hold.
I pumped Adriam for information on the house, he had little to offer me except that he'd decided to press the owners next door to sell him their home and they'd finally accepted considering they'd learned who their neighbor would be. The safest thing for us to do was to attempt to form a shield of protection around Darrius and our family.
Regardless, I was sick of the scrubs and gowns, and ready for a change. By day five, I was chomping at the bit to be free. Finally, they agreed to discharge us with the promise we would take it easy and agree not to shift in the coming weeks until our bones could completely heal. Given the traumatic events that had unfolded, I was happy to be free of magical duty for a bit of time.
Joining Verando in his room, I let Darrius get one last joy ride on the bed, pressing the buttons to make it move up and down as I hold Xaiver. "I asked Ron to bring your car."
"My car?" I ask suspiciously, raising an eyebrow.
"Mmm, an SUV so that we don't have to keep borrowing van's to haul the children around. Helen assures me it's fashionable. Whatever that means." Shifting awkwardly in his jeans, he wriggles his hips, bouncing on his heels in an attempt to get them onto his waist. "Jesus absolute christ this is absurd... " he curses, sighing heavily at the inability to get them up. "Did they give me your pants?"
Admiring the man before me, I clear my throat with a shrug. "Let me call Victor."
The Russian appears with a pair of his own jeans, snickering in amusement as he nods in approval of the warlord's improved body. "Not bad. Finally looking like man, not a girly waist. Muscles even." He pokes Verando in the side as the man steps into the oversized pants. While they were too big, the length worked fine and they gave him enough room that he could comfortably button them and make up the rest with his belt.
"Don't fuck with me Victor. Two pant sizes..." The self-consciousness catches me off guard, I take a step forward, offering him a small smile.
"I think it's quite attractive. Reminds me of your days as a dictator." As soon as I say it, I instantly regret the comparison to his younger self.
The reference doesn't escape him, though he didn't resemble the youth in the slightest at his current size. It was hard to describe the bulk he'd achieved, noticeable yet not offensive in the least. If we were on better terms, I'd find him hard to resist. "Daddy said a swear!" Darrius points out.
"I shouldn't have, love." He responds shortly, slipping the long sleeve on with a heavy sigh at how the material stretches over his chest. "Look like I have bloody breasts."
Victor hits his own chest with his fist, making a battle cry of bravado. "Is man's chest! Is not breast! Is muscle! Ah!" He chuckles, grinning.
"I don't like that you keep indicating that somehow before this, I wasn't manly." Verando points out, irritated.
"Am not indicating anything, am saying, before... much less manly. Now. Could maybe hold on against... mmm... smallish girl. I've seen on the TV, like pencil." Wringing his pinky at the english man, Verando stares at him in quiet disbelief.
I try not to laugh, pursing my lips as I know the warlord was sensitive about his weight and size.
"Ah yes, think you're being cute, hmm? Having a laugh? I don't need to beat up little girls, Victor. When they're being crude, I simply tell their mothers." Striding past the man, he rounds the corner with a summoning beckon to Adriam.
Victor wheels after him, wide-eyed. "No! Was just joke! Do not tell!"
"Daddy is silly." Darrius jumps off the bed, trotting over to take my hand. "Are you and Daddy mad?"
Surprised, I hesitate as we leave the room. "Why would you say that honey?"
Shrugging, he presses his cheek to my hand as we walk. "It's different."
"We're just tired, everything is fine." I attempt to reassure him. "Lots of changes with the move and finding your Daddy and your brother. It's got us feeling very tired."
Yawning, Darrius nods. "I want to go home. I want you to not be tired. I don't like when you and Daddy fight."
Was he really so perceptive? Could he really tell? Glancing over the black SUV, I load the two boys into their car seats as Verando relinquishes an angry Victor over to his capture, under threats of violence as he waves him off and gets into the driver's seat. I don't argue as I climb into the passenger seat. Offering him my hand to hold, he presses his lips into a thin line, placing his palm over the gear shift instead.
"I've got to make sure it's running properly."
"Right. Of course." I sigh. "To the... house?"
"Hotel I'm afraid. Looks like we're not going to be settled quite yet, but we'll at least have our own space."
Our own space. What did that indicate?