Narrator POV
Flashback
The heart monitor rung a constant beep. The sound made Jungkook jump. The line that had been so reassuringly wavy was slowly fading into a straight line. The door behind Jungkook flung open, doctors rushing in the room, Mr. Park and Mrs. Park following just behind.
Everything silenced out for Jungkook.
He got pushed aside. He stumbled on his feet, finding it hard to find the balance as he just lost his. He looked around, watching doctors surround the bed, performing CPR and trying to bring his princess back to life. Your mother was trying to push through the doctors, wanting to reach for her daughter for her not to disappear. Your father tried keeping his wife back, but his strength had run out and he collapsed onto the chair behind him.
Everything was silent for Jungkook.
Was this really happening?
Were you really gone?
Two weeks later.
May 4th.
A knock sounded on Jungkook's apartment door. Taehyung paused the TV show he was watching and glanced over at Jungkook who was zoning out at the window in the kitchen and down onto the busy streets, "Are you expecting anyone?" He whispered.
Jungkook simply shook his head before leaving the combined kitchen and living room and walking to his room, closing the door behind him.
Whoever it was he didn't want to talk. He didn't care.
Some faint voices made their way through the door to Jungkook's room as Taehyung had supposedly opened the front door.
Jungkook plumped down on his bed, putting a pillow over his head to mute the voices and be in silence.
That had been his favorite thing the past few weeks. To be alone, in the darkness and in silence.
The curtains were constantly shut, his clothes laid messily on the floor and a very heavy and impure air filled the room.
He didn't bother cleaning up nor to even turn on the air purifier.
Everything had seemed meaningless lately.
The weather got better and brighter for every passing day that went by, but Jungkook only saw grey clouds. He'd skipped many lessons and work hours, rather wanting to stay hidden in his dark room. His friends had tried getting him out, but also respected his rejection each and every time.
Everything had changed since you left.
He had tried staying strong. He had tried keeping his everyday life as it was before. He had tried looking at the bright side of everything he went through, because that's what you'd want him to.
He knew if you could see him right now, you'd smile at him and tell him to cheer up. You'd tell him to not hide away for too long and to be brave. You'd tell him that he'd be okay and hold him while breathing comforting words into his ear.
But it was hard. No matter how bad he wanted to live like you would, it was impossible to stay positive and pretend as if he didn't just lose his best friend and better half.
He felt so empty. As if he had no reason in life anymore. He used to see you everyday. He used to hug you, tease you and laugh at you at least once a day. And now your face was gone forever.
Your smile, he would never see again and your voice, he would never hear again.
It was hard to get out of bed in the morning and it was hard to fall asleep at night. Everything was much more difficult without you.
And it was only 2 weeks since you left. A heart takes long to heal. And losing someone as important as you were to him, is tough.
How could he just go back to his everyday life, when you were his everyday life?
And what would he do with himself today? Was he supposed to celebrate? Or was he supposed to grieve?
Today would be your 23rd birthday.
"Jungkook..." Taehyung knocked on Jungkook's door, opening it slightly after and peeking through, "Y/n's mom is here." He said. Jungkook looked up and met his friend- and roommate's wet eyes. A sniffle left his mouth as if he just had cried. After all, Jungkook wasn't your only friend and it was tough for others too.
Jungkook got up from the bed immediately but still with heavy movements. He made his way to the door faster than he'd moved in weeks.
He greeted your mother with a long hug, only separating after a few minutes.
"Eomeoni, why are you here?" Jungkook questioned, inviting her inside.
Mrs. Park however kindly shook her head, "I'll be visiting Y/n's grave, I thought I'd quickly stop by here first." She spoke with a raspy voice.
Her voice had changed since you died. Jungkook noticed it immediately. It was raspy, low and vague. It sounded as if she kept in constant cries and she spoke slower and more hesitant than before. It hurt Jungkook.
He almost forgot how others were grieving too.
"It's her birthday today." Your mother smiled. Jungkook nodded, looking down.
"She'd turn 23." Your mother spoke, her voice cracking halfway through the sentence.
"I know." Jungkook replied low voiced. He reached forward to pull Mrs. Park in for another hug, but she took a step back and wiped the few tears that trickled down her cheeks away, "No, no son, I'll only break down again." She put up a brave smile and let out a faint chuckle in an attempt to suppress the tears.
A silence fell over the two as Jungkook tried his best to keep in the tears that were pressuring behind his eyes and your mother the same.
Jungkook looked down once again, feeling the heavy atmosphere crashing down on him. His eyes fell upon the papers in your mother's hand for the first time. Why didn't he notice them before?
Your mother noticed his gaze had fallen to her hands and curiously stayed there.
"I have something for you." She said, extending her hand with the papers.
Jungkook accepted the papers, taking them into his own hands. He skimmed the folded papers quickly, pondering if he should open them now. He immediately knew it was from you.
"Read this one first." Your mother said, pointing to the paper on top, "It's a letter she wrote for you. She went to me a few days before..." She haltered. Jungkook nodded empathetically. Your mother sniffled and dried her eyes before hiding her sadness with a smile, "She told me to give it to you when she passed."
Jungkook's eyes were glued to the paper, a desire to unfold it and read it right then filling him.
"That one..." Your mother pointed to the paper in the back, slightly tucking on it, "I'm not sure what this is..." She chuckled faintly, "I found her notebook laying on her night stand opened to this page. I don't know if she ever meant for you to see it... but, I think you should."
Jungkook looked up from the papers and looked into Mrs. Park's deep warm but glossy eyes.
"Thank you." He said faintly and gave her yet another hug.
"That's good that's good." You mother said, patting Jungkook's back and pulling away from the hug, "I'll better get going now, Y/n's waiting for me." She again put up a brave smile despite the tough day.
"Call me every now and then okay?" She requested to which Jungkook nodded.
"Say hi to your mother for me."
"I will." Jungkook said, also putting up a smile for the first time in a while.
As your mother left, Jungkook closed the front door.
He gazed at the papers in his hand. He didn't feel the strength to make it all the way to his room to read it. He didn't have a lot of strength back. So he stood there, at the entrance and read it.
Hi Jungkook.
I'm writing this just as we hung up on the phone. I had to end the call, cause else I would've never gotten started on this letter. I never know when you're done talking, it's like you don't have a stop button.
Meant with love of course. I love listening to your voice.
I'm writing this letter just in case I never get to tell you myself. I'm afraid of telling you what's going on. I'm even afraid of admitting it to myself.
So... in case I never got the courage... this is for you.
I suppose you know about my lung cancer when you're reading this... so we'll just skip that part.
First of all, I want to tell you how much you mean to me.
Without knowing it, you've been my rock through all of this. You've been my safe place and my only comfort person. Whenever I felt like I was sick, I went to you and forgot all my worries at once. Whenever realization of reality fell upon me, you'd make me smile without even knowing what that smile really did for me. You were the only place I could go when I felt like everything was hopeless.
You were the one keeping me alive for so long.
I hope you're not mad that I didn't tell you.
I didn't tell you for one simple selfish reason... or two actually.
1: I am hella scared.
2: This is really selfish, so please bare with me... Being around my family never felt the same after knowing I was going to die. They were being a lot more nice to me, we never argued anymore as they always purposely agreed with me, and the atmosphere was never really as it used to be. It felt like they were already grieving.
Don't get me wrong, I love my family more than anything and I'm so grateful for them... but, being with my them felt like a constant reminder that I was ill and not going to get better. I felt like a patient around them.
I didn't want it to be the same with you.
After realizing my family's changed behavior around me, I decided to not tell you... or at least wait.
I wanted our time spent to be as normal as possible. I wanted to be able to have fun with you and be with you without changes. I didn't want the news to change your behavior around me and I didn't want to feel like your patient too.
I wanted you to tease me as you always do and I wanted you to treat me as if I'm the Y/n you've always known and not like some sick person.
I'm really sorry that I didn't tell you. I'm deeply sorry for making my selfish decision. But I know that I had my best last days with you - and because of you.
Wow... I really thought I'd keep this short and I'm already on my second page... Sorry ㅎㅎ
Anyways... You've probably wondered why I've been so abnormally spontaneous, right? How I wanted to do all these things you probably never would've guessed that me, Park Y/n would want to do. You've properly thought I was crazy.
Admit it, you have at least once... and don't you dare lie!
Well...
So I made this list where I wrote down a few things I wanted to do during my last days.
I tried being realistic while still putting some daring things on there, which explains why I was so eager to bake those cookies and to get that tattoo you never thought I would get.
If I could, I would've written down to travel the world, but that'd be a bit too ambitious, right? ㅋㅋ
Anyways, I made this list in hopes of not wasting my final days. And so far I haven't, thanks to you. You helped me cross all these things off my list, and without even knowing it.
Thank you for that ♡
Oh, and before you start looking for the list, don't! I'll burn it soon!
Do you remember when we were at my house, I was writing something in my notebook and you were so curious of what I was writing? Do you remember that?
That was what I was writing Jungkook.
I was making a list of all the things I wanted to do before I left.
And I wanted to do them all with you.
I know this will be hard on you, but don't hide away for too long.
Tomorrow becomes today and today becomes yesterday.
You'll get over this Kook, you're strong. I believe in you.
But don't you dare forget me!
I'm just kidding ;)
Let's not say goodbye yet. Let's meet again...
Goodnight Jungkook, thank you for everything.
~ Yours, Y/n
The tears streamed down Jungkook's cheeks as he leant back against the door.
He muttered inaudible words between his sobs, some probably just sounds of pain inside him.
His body trembled by all the emotions welling over him.
Fuck fuck fuck!
Why'd you have to be like that.
Why did you have to wrench his heart like that. Why did you have to mean so much that his whole existence felt meaningless now? Why did you have to write him a letter that would break him down and make him miss you even more if even possible? Why did you have to do that?
The thoughts screamed inside Jungkook's mind, overwhelming him and making him feel as if there was no escape from this constant pain.
Why did you leave him?
But deep inside, he was thankful.
He was grateful for you, he cherished your letter and he did nothing but love and miss you.
The memory of you was his forever treasure now to hold on to.
Jungkook looked down at the letter again. His vision was blurry from all the tears, but something red stuck out and made him squint his eyes.
The list.
He pulled out the list, observing the title for a long time.
To do before I leave.
He read the words over and over again as if he didn't believe them. You really did make a list. You really did know you were leaving. And you really did leave.
A faint chuckle left Jungkook's lips to his own surprise.
Oh, and before you start looking for the list, don't! I'll burn it soon!, He reminisced the words of your letter. You thought, huh?
Fate had it differently.
He smeared the grin off his face finding it utterly disturbing in the case... but you were just so adorable. How could he not smile only a little, reading your to-dos and the cute red ticks whenever you'd completed them. You must've been so excited to tick them off.
He'd definitely thought you had gone crazy when he discovered the Rubik's cube on your coffee table. Now it made sense.
But the smile faded again, the warm stream of tears continuing as he read the last to-do that was crossed over.
Make Jungkook mine.
Why didn't you? He thought.
Why the fuck didn't you make him yours? He would've said yes!
I already was yours.
If there was anything he wanted to do right now, it was to be yours! The only thing he wanted right now was to be with you and for you to be with him.
But you were gone.
Why didn't you just stay?
His eyes moved to the one thing on the list that wasn't crossed over, but still missed a tick.
The missing tick caused a pang in Jungkook's heart.
See the cherry trees blossom
Fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck!
How could he be so stupid!
He collapsed right then and slid down the wall, sitting on the floor with his legs scrunched up to his chest.
How could he be so stupid? How could he be so oblivious?
Tears are the silent language of grief, and his were streaming down endlessly without being able to see an end to them.
It felt like his world was falling apart right then.
Would it ever stop? Would the pain ever stop?
Why did it have to hurt so much?
"Jungkook..." A manly voice, belonging to Taehyung, sighed.
A hand was placed gently on Jungkook's shoulder, tapping it lightly.
Jungkook looked up into his roommate's eyes.
"I never even got to say goodbye." He bursted and broke down in sobs.
I never got to say goodbye.
The end.