Warning: Please don't curse me. I feel like you'll hate me after this chapter.
A/N: Listen to the song. It's amazing.
Year: 2019
"Did he take it well?" the man with blond hair asked, removing a cigarette from the package and putting it between his lips. Nobody had seen him smoking much, but today seemed like an exception. A grand exception. His coat was hung on the wood railing next to him; contrary to usual, he had no tie. Based on the mess in his hair and the dimples under his eyes, it was apparent that he had had a rough night. He pulled out his lighter, lifted it slowly, and flickered it a few times while protecting the small flame from the autumn wind with his hand. Eventually, something good came along, and his cigarette was lit. He took his first whiff and breathed a sigh of relief as if the air had returned to his lungs.
"I don't think anyone can call it taking, Kento," the brunette answered, holding out her hand to pick up the lighter from him. She looked at him from the corner of her eyes. Damn! He seemed worse than she did, that's for sure. "He shouted, knocked on the walls, and blamed himself. I guess what we feared finally happened."
She pressed the trigger on the lighter with her thumb and continued, "he lost it. Completely." A buzz of Nicotine pleasure was evident on her face; she wanted to enjoy it all the way before fading away. Why not just smoke? The reason for her quitting smoking vanished hours ago. Fuck! When would the pain disappear? "I'd never seen him that desperate."
Dawn was nearby, and the school was buried in silence. The clouds had rained, the thunder had rumbled and wept, the yellow and orange leaves had covered the ground, and the smell of wet earth had invaded all around. Still, no bird or cricket chant could be heard. Maybe even the animals mourned quietly for the soul of the unborn child who left this world before her first cry.
Maybe if it were a typical day, that view wouldn't be as gloomy, but taking into account their red and sunken eyes, it was clear that sadness owned the day. Even though there was not yet any sun in the sky, both stood by the infirmary, under the canopy, and leaned against the wooden wall behind them. Perhaps they simply wanted to be close to those across the wall.
Nanami placed his hand upon his eyes and began rubbing his eyelids before opening his mouth. "The meeting with Higher Ups went poorly." His voice sounded more hoarse than a couple of minutes ago. It couldn't be said that the smoke was squeezing his throat or a smothering lump. Of course, he reproached himself for playing a role in the chain of anguish that had overcome them. Maybe if he hadn't hugged Y/N in the bathroom on that wedding day, Satoru would never have left, and she would still be a mother now. But since no one could hear the voices resonating in his brain, no one told him not to torture himself. Nobody said to him that it was okay, because he just wanted to help his friend. His best friend after Yu Haibara.
It was then that Nanami promised himself that if Y/N ended up like his old friend, he would never forgive himself and abandon sorcery forever.
Shoko took another drag from her cigarette. Predicting events was more evident than daylight, but she still asked, "what happened there?" Her gaze was fixed on the little drops of water piled up on the large leaves of the trees. "They condemn her for missing 3 of the cursed wombs and 6 of Sukuna's fingers." Shaking his head with disbelief, Nanami let out a breath of anger and patted his cigarette for the ashes to fall. The absurdity behind this vote had been the source of an eternal headache that stuck like a parasite.
Shoko quickly turned her head towards him with raised brows. She opened and closed her mouth several times but couldn't come up with an appropriate word to express her shock.
"Can you question their decision? I mean, the cursed wombs are counted as Y/N's siblings."
"But she had no idea they were here, did she?" Nanami saw her hand clenching into a fist. "Their cursed energy was sealed! Even assuming she knew about them, she was no fool to steal them at the day school was full of sorcerers." Her knitted eyebrows stayed untied. She always tried to be moderate, but recently, Higher Ups had taken many unforgivable measures. " She lost her child to protect the students," she said in a whisper while lowering her head. Her fist slowly opened and released her fingers. Like everyone in the story, she had her own reasons to blame herself. If she'd let Y/N flee without convincing her to stay at school, the baby would still be safe, and she would be awake, not in a fucking coma. It pricked her heart that Y/N had selfishly chosen to carry the burden of all the wrong decisions of others by herself and pay the atonement alone.
"Why didn't you tell us she was pregnant?" Nanami's tone was calm. He was clearly only looking for answers, not the culprit.
"She wanted no one to know, including the father." Shoko smacked her forehead. Now that she looked back, she better understood her mistakes. She should never have kept the truth from Satoru. What was she thinking? She took another drag, then another, and another. After some quiet time, she started speaking again.
"Those mother fuckers know about her miscarriage?" She flipped her head and looked at Nanami.
"Satoru's father is one of the higher-ups; what do you think?" He crossed his arms across his chest and, with his head bent, he stared at her.
"I thought that asshole would be a little more cautious after the troubles he's caused." She blew out a frustrated breath.
"If he could, he would gladly kiss the hand of the curse that brought this calamity to Y/N! His eyes were as happy as I've ever seen!" He chuckled angrily and tossed his cigarette into the trash can.
"In his son's presence?!!!"
"He's not aware of his clan's actions right now. When these matters were discussed, he was beating the shit out of the curse users that had been arrested for getting them confession and proving Y/N's innocence."
Shoko clasped her lips together. Her throat slowly rolled with her swallow, but she still said nothing. She just looked torn as her face took on what looked like a world of pain. "Did Satoru succeed?" She locked her eyes with Nanami again with the hope of good news.
"No." Nanami shook his head. "They said nothing but bullshits." He eyed her, holding her elbow with one hand, looking down, and moving a stone on the ground with the tip of her shoe. Remorse was a rope that was tightened around the throat of all. "No one blames you. All you wanted to do was keep her safe behind the school walls." He put his hand on her shoulder and pressed it softly.
Shoko inhaled a big gulp of air, turned her back to Nanami, and walked towards the stairs, leaving traces of regret behind her back. She leaned her head toward the wooden pillar. "It doesn't matter what others think. I blame myself." She bit her quivering lower lip.
After the darkness of the night, the star of the earth rose from the horizon, spreading its gold in every direction. Minutes later, the sunrise became even more beautiful. The sky had pink layers like a sea of cotton candy, with sunlight coloring the clouds above with a pink tint. As the sun slowly ascended, the sky in the west became a deep neon blue as the light reached further out.
"Nobody knows what the attack was for?" Shoko came up all of a sudden.
Nanami took his gaze from the sky and turned it to the woman who seemed not to be the first time she was overwhelmed by guilt that wasn't hers. Aha! He remembered now. She had blamed herself after Suguru Geto's massacre too. Was there anything he could do to help with the hurt? Was it possible at all? "Maybe they wanted Sukuna's vessel; maybe they just wanted to cause damage. Nobody knows, but I don't think their purpose is going to be long hidden." He let out a sigh.
The cigarette in Shoko's hand had reached its end long ago, and now it was burning both fingers holding it. She shivered, but a sigh and a question mark almost immediately followed that. "There are thousands over there who are after Sukuna's fingers. Why do they doubt Y/N?" Throwing her cigarette stub in the bin, she tried to make eye contact with Nanami, believing that there were still truths that had not been revealed. "What are you hiding, Kento?"
There was no need to insist. After all, Nanami was against keeping this secret from the get-go. "Yuji is one of Y/N's brothers." He shrugged his shoulders.
Shoko quickly brought her hand to her mouth. "Are you kidding me? This is impossible!"
"I know how it looks. I didn't believe it either, but their DNA is over 98 percent alike. You're a doctor yourself. You know the meaning better," he said, leaning toward the wall while closing his eyes. Considering his recent bad decisions, it was inevitable that Satoru's stupidity had taken its toll on him. Maybe confession was an excellent way to start getting rid of it.
Biting the palm of her hand, Shoko shook her head. "When did you even...? Never mind! I've seen Yuji's case. He was born on March 20, 2003, and there were no sorcerers in his family lineage. He can't be her brother!"
"Maybe Yuji is related to the girl in the parking lot to which Y/N's primary body belongs."
"What? No! Once cursed wombs take over a body, they change it to their own form," she said and thought. Supposedly impossible even if that girl was one of Yuji's relatives, the similarity couldn't be 98%! It means a close blood relationship, but how?" She rubbed her chin.
"For God's sake, Ieiri! Didn't you hear the boy's screams calling her his sister?"
Nanami lowered his head, and seeing Shoko's surprised looks, he continued, "probably not, because you were treating the wounded at the time. Okay. Yuji kept talking about a strange memory of him, Y/N, and other cursed wombs sitting at a table and picnicking."
Shoko looked at Nanami as if she doubted his sanity.
"It sounds crazy, but think about it. Y/N surrendered precisely when Yuji's life was at risk. The same thing happened with Yuji too. This couldn't be a consequence!" He moved his body away from the wall, adjusted his shirt collar, and while grabbing his coat from the railing, he stood beside Shoko. "I think the school staff tipped Higher-Ups about Yuji's hallucinations."
"Do they know everything now?"
"I think they just doubted since Y/N was always willing to do anything to protect Yuji, but let's be careful and keep it hidden as long as possible," Nanami said, wearing his coat.
Shoko nodded. "And I guess she has no idea about this, right?"
"Nope. Satoru didn't want her to know anything until he was absolutely sure." He stretched his arms. "I'm going to get some coffee. Are you coming with me?"
Shoko looked back at the entrance of the building and then turned her head. "No, I'm going to stick around. Satoru is still there; injured students may also need my help." She forced a smile and rubbed her shoulders with her hands.
"So I'm bringing you a coffee here." He put on his famous glasses to hide his red eyes, agitated his hand, and left.
And again, Shoko was left alone to stand there and help others gather their broken pieces. All that is broken could be tied with the appropriate binder, even if it would never be the same. But based on recent events, she doubted fixation would be possible this time.
-----
It was quiet between the room's white walls, and only the sound of the beeps and raspy breaths could be heard. Satoru took his gaze out the window and the rising sun back to her. Many machines were attached to her body to prevent her from giving up. The bed looked so huge with her in the middle of it. Wires and needles were all connected to her fragile figure as she lay there, unmoving.
The only promising movements that Satoru's six eyes could capture were the heaving of her chest and the slow sliding of her pupils beneath her lids. Was she dreaming? Was she at least happy in there? Is that why she refused to wake up?
But her creator was crueler than giving her some relief. She had a frown on her innocent face. The corners of her dull lips were turned down, and her eyebrows were slightly furrowed, as if she was caught in the worst nightmare of her life without being able to move on. Or maybe she was unwilling to wake up. Perhaps she knew that the moment she opened her eyes, the loss she felt would knock her down. Maybe her worst nightmare was a sweet dream compared to the hell ahead of her.
The stinging pain in Satoru's chest lingered, and the breath he took in felt so thick, like a cold spear thrusting into his lungs. Holding his head in his hands, he leaned his elbows to the edge of the bed and allowed his thoughts to consume his mind.
'What if she never awakes? '
Satoru closed his eyes and bumped his head against the bed's metal ledge. No. He could never let that happen. He would go fucking insane without her. He hadn't even apologized to her yet. He hadn't even taken his words back yet. She couldn't fucking die because he still had tons of things to say to her. His chest heaved as he took a deep breath, letting it out with a groan. If he could, he would make a deal with God and get him to swap their places. The angels of the seven heavens knew that he would do anything for her. he would take her pain, take it all the way if it would force her to open her beautiful eyes, once filled with life.
After all, it was all his fault, wasn't it? A lot of factors indeed contributed to this disaster. But based on chaos theory, the flapping of a butterfly in one part of the world can create a tornado in another part, and indeed, this storm started when Satoru forced her to attend a wedding she didn't even want. "It'll be fun, trust me," he said, but he left her alone among the wolves thirsting for her blood. And when he saw her sheltered by someone other than himself, his stupid ego built such a large wall before all his eyes that he blindly, not knowing what he was doing, crushed everything before him, including her heart. The heart that loved him unconditionally.
Regrettably, that wasn't the end of the tragedy. Instead of apologizing, he forced himself to her purely out of selfishness, solely to prove her loyalty to himself. He wanted to ensure that she belonged only to him, and when he got it, he just noticed her tears. He just realized what the fuck he had done, and somewhere in his being, he knew that the catastrophe his tornado had caused could never be mended. So he ran off away like a coward rabbit and hid in his dark corner. In comparison, Y/N remained and fought, not just for herself, but for his school, his students, and their daughter. Yes. The daughter he let down.
He could feel his chest tightening at his thoughts. Not because he was angry at himself, but because he was scared of the damage he had done.
Satoru lifted his head, his gaze fixed on her stomach. This time yesterday, he had a family, he hadn't embraced. This time yesterday, he had a daughter, he hadn't sung a lullaby. This time yesterday, he had a woman, maybe with a place in her heart.
What good is it to be the strongest when you can't even save the ones you love?
He was so devastated, but his heart kept beating, over and over, reminding him of all the heartbeats his daughter would never feel. Had Y/N told their daughter about him? Was she expecting him to help her? Or did she know from the beginning that her father was the most stuck-in-the-mud man on earth?
He tried to hold back the seething torrent of tears that had been building up since the moment he had seen her, but there wasn't much fight left in him, just a sack of anguish in his chest he refused to let go.
'What if she had her hair? Were her eyes blue like mine, or were they holding the world like hers? Did her little heart beat fast or slowly? Did Y/N feel the moment it stopped?' he thought and a cry mixed with a gasp that sounded filled with years of heartache released itself when he said, "was the pain so unbearable, love?"
He pressed his lips together as he clung to the sheets, resembling a shroud. The ache in his soul and sanity raged. Then it was over. He tried to stop himself as his throat tightened, but it was a futile effort. Tears burned in his sinuses, then filled his eyes and descended slowly on his cheeks, leaving him weak and frail as he dug his nails into the white cloth.
Once that first tear broke free, the rest followed in an unbroken stream. Satoru bent forward, clenching his hands; he began to cry with the strength of a person vomiting all his grief. These weren't only sad tears. They were also angry ones. Tears filled with regret.
Several drops fell upon her pale hand. Satoru reached out to grab and kiss it, but his hand stopped a few inches from hers, and a graceful agony washed over his face.
"ARE YOU FUCKING SERIOUS?" Satoru shouted, but Shoko stood firm, crossing her arms over her chest and looking down at the ground. "I'd never hurt her, let alone kill her! Are you out of your mind?" His words weren't a yell anymore. They were just a subtle and piercing statement. He stretched out his hand and grabbed the knob, but she still remained motionless. "GOD DAMMIT! MOVE AWAY, OR I'LL MOVE YOU!" He was so angry he had to blow out a steady breath to avoid shouting at her.
Shoko raised her head, but before he could do anything, he saw the look in her eyes. It was apologetic. Sad. The knob felt cold in his hand, cold enough to burn his palm and freeze his arm to his shoulder, but he still didn't let go of it. As if dropping it was like accepting never to see her again. As if something terrible would happen if he took his hand off it.
"You don't get it." The sting of agony in his voice made her flinch internally, but she remained as stoic as possible. "I need to see her." His voice trembled, and he stared straight into her eyes, pleading. "Please let me see her."
"Satoru," Shoko said. She drew him towards herself and wrapped her arms in a comforting embrace. He was stiff against her, unsure what to do with his persistent anger. She leaned her forehead against his shoulder and repeated the undeniable sentence she had said a few minutes ago. "Your love is fatal for her. You shouldn't even touch her!"
Her words were barely above a whisper, but they felt like a scream echoing inside him. He began to laugh hysterically. His dry, shattered laughter was as if he was throwing glass dust.
It continued for some time until her grip tightened around him. It was then that reality slapped him. His mind crossed the gates of madness to protect him from what had happened. There was no evidence of surprise or sadness on his face. He was given up and had the face of a man who had just received the bad news he knew was coming.
His mind went blank. Not thoughtless as in uncaring, but thoughtless as in empty inside his head, and feeling everything in his chest, like a ball of fire was building inside him. He could hear her words one by one, knew they had meaning, and even knew what they meant, but he couldn't understand them. He just wanted to hate her, but he was aware that she wasn't at fault. She was just the messenger.
Now that his wrath had left him, he seemed surprisingly defenseless. She gasped for breath, trying to wipe away the few tears that were beginning to form, and since he had no idea what the fuck to do, he just stayed in her embrace, his hand still holding the fucking knob. It took all the effort inside him to keep his tears at bay.
"She is a half-curse. Curses feed on bad feelings..." Shoko muttered, and disbelief waved in the unbridled sea of his eyes. He had messed up a lot, but how could he slowly kill the one willing to trade his life for a deadly poison?
"...and I guess your touch was free of those bad feelings," she continued, and he closed his eyes. Because her voice was painful enough, keeping his eyes open and accepting that this crap wasn't all part of a joke would make it much worse. "I'm sorry, Satoru."
He felt a pang in his chest as he digested all her words in his gut. He had hurt her with both his actions and inactions. His breath took hold of his throat, and he couldn't even scream. He believed he was worthy of any shit thrown at him.
Shoko slipped her hands on his arms to console him and then distanced herself. His face looked like those whose world had been smashed before their eyes. There was no intangible hope for him to cling to anymore.
Ever since she had realized this, she'd been trying to find a silver lining in this misery. She assumed she was wrong, but all her assumptions were shattered when she saw how quickly Y/N's injuries healed after the Gojo clan attack. She checked out Satoru. There was never a good time to come clean about his clan. His plate was always full enough.
"Are you sure about it?" Satoru's voice trembled in shock and sorrow. He was always frightened by this moment. The moment that someone or something would take her away from him. And Satoru was well aware that there was no way out of fear.
He turned his head slightly, and his eyes met hers. He stared at her, studying her, and sought her face for a little ray of hope. But there was no hope left in the market. She nodded. "When you were close to her, her wounds took much time to heal. She looked weak even though she was a special grade." She paused and gulped. She knew what she would say next would be the last nail in the coffin. "But she recovered quite quickly when you weren't around."
The words pierced into his heart. He couldn't say anything. He had more tears in his throat than words, but Y/N was the only one to whom his weakness belonged. After tasting the bitterness in every word of Shoko, his ears refused to hear anymore. The echo of the rain falling outside became meaningless. The sound of the wind rattling the windows disappeared. The echoing footsteps of Shoko's approaching him entered an endless silence. He leaned his head against the door and looked down at his feet. Suddenly, his knees felt very tired, as though the world had drained him of everything, and he had nothing to lose anymore.
Satoru slowly withdrew his hand. He couldn't hold back the tears. He cried as if something had broken inside him, and all his emotions had poured out. It was the first time since he entered the room that he acknowledged what it meant to be at her side without holding her hand. She meant the world to him. How was he supposed to let her go?
But isn't it what true love demands? A sacrifice? Sometimes you need to sacrifice something that matters to you to offer something that matters more to someone else. As a lover, he would give her the world, but in this cursed case, he had to give up his world for her. He had to give up on her.
He blinked back tears and blew out a calming breath, trying to dry up them as if a claw ripped open his memories, pulled out what was left of his heart, and dropped it on the floor. He didn't deserve to cry, to find a piece of relief. He just deserved a raw, aching wound that would stay fresh until he died.
Satoru pushed back the chair and rose. He slowly bent over her, and his fingers gently brushed a lock of hair on her face without touching her skin. His hand hung in the air for a moment, as if he didn't know what to do with it. What was he supposed to do with these hands? Just pouring blood? He leaned down, and his cheeks touched her hair. It was still soft, but now the strands smelled of blood and dirt. He turned his face, and his warm breath struck her ear lobe.
"When you see me again, you'll hate me." He smiled what was probably the most painful-looking smile, simply because he didn't want to do what he had to, but he had no choice. "It'll be worth it," he murmured in her ear. "Because you'll wake up." For him, she was a type of flower that could still grow after a forest fire. And the sight of her made him sad without effort.
It is what it is. A fucked-up situation, with no escape for Satoru. After all, aren't we all a bunch of sad people doing what we have to do to make it until tomorrow? Some of us are sadder than others, some of us luckier.
"I miss knowing you're waiting for me. I miss the peace I felt with you. I miss the dumb fights that kept us quiet until the next time or made us laugh. I miss holding your hand. I miss you holding back. I miss you not holding back. I miss your burnt food. I miss those nights when we didn't want to stop being together. I miss you getting so pissed at something I would say or do and trying to deal with it on your own until I made you fess up. I miss surprising you. I miss being surprised by the glimpse of your humanity every now and then. I miss the look you would get when I would touch your cheek. I miss how you thought you were so stealthy with your cursed energy when you really couldn't hide your presence from me, because you wanted to be found by me." He sniffed. "Most of all, I miss your hugs. I didn't need them often, but now I do. It sucks to know you won't give them to me anymore." A tear formed and spilled down his cheek. Just one lonely tear. He raised his head and angrily wiped it out with his sleeve. "I miss my home, Y/N." His voice was like a saw cutting bones.
It hurt to be without her. The thought of it made his stomach feel like it was full of tight, knotted ropes, and they were all about to snap. He was too weak to endure but had to pretend he was strong. He closed his eyes, and his expression tightened up like all his facial muscles held in his emotions and only managed to contain them.
He clenched his fists, and his nails dug into his palms, as if he was trying not to lose it. Walls could witness him silently screaming, suffocating with each breath he took, holding onto his agony.
"Y/N, forgive me and forget—" He felt something else trapped in his chest other than his voice. Maybe it was a few extra heartbeats. Maybe it was an erupting volcano. Maybe it was his last ...
Never before had he wanted to say so much but said so little; felt so much but stayed so silent. He didn't know what to do with these feelings. So he wadded them up and tried to keep them stuffed in his throat, stomach, or wherever people tucked away this shit.
He looked at her once again and then turned his back on her; even though it was gut-wrenching for him, he strode towards the door. It would sound entirely mythical to say that he didn't look back, but that wasn't true. It was like the last moment before the string between them fell apart. He was about to return, but he knew that he would never be able to leave there if he returned. So no matter how hard it was, he shoved his hand in his pocket, pulled out a blindfold, hid his sad eyes from the whole world, and opened the door.
The sky was on fire when he walked outside. He shielded his hand over his covered eyes, forgetting how assaulting the light always was when tears scorched his eyes. As he expected, Shoko was standing outside. He walked towards her with the slowest steps, like a magnet leaving its magnetic circuit.
"I'll do it," he said, with no preamble.
Shoko looked at him with concern. "Are you sure?"
Satoru's gaze was locked on an unknown spot that didn't seem to be in this world.
"Didn't you say this was the only way to wake her and prove her innocence?"
Although she couldn't see his eyes, she could hear the back-breaking pain in his voice, just like a very deep wound that was impossible to heal. "But..."
"I deserve it," declared Satoru and walked away from his friend with long paces.
The sun had been in the sky for a long time, and its combination with autumn colors had given a particular warmth to the landscape. Today was one of those beautiful autumn days abounding in stories and seldom found in the real world. It could have remained as it was, but sadly the blood was about to be spilled.
Thank you all for reading my stories and being my friends here. Yep, I'm in my super emotional state :)