Sliding out of the bed on shaky legs, I wasn't quite sure what to expect. Physically, a lycan was meant to withstand the abuse of less than optimal care as well as heal at an accelerated rate.
On paper, I was quite close to being healthy. Checking my weight, I'm shocked by the number on the scale considering my size. "Lycans are quite heavy. Don't look so surprised. You have a wolf living in you." Adriam passes off the inflated number as if it were nothing, perhaps he contended with it himself, already.
Darrius takes the hand of the nurse, lured away by the promise of ice cream in the cafeteria. The poor boy hadn't left our side, along with his brother, he had been taking turns sleeping in our beds where ever he could fit between the tubes and wires. Daily exploration around the small private building was the only source of entertainment he got though Jan did her best to try and work with him on school-type things.
He was nearing four, it was something to think about.
"Verando is not awake yet. Though you're welcome to see him."
In other words, maybe it might snap him out of whatever it is he was going through inside. He hadn't so much as moved since they hospitalized him. I clutch my IV pole instinctively as I make my way down the hall, in a light pair of soft pants and a scrub-like shirt, they took into consideration how vulnerable I felt showing my body.
I see the names on the doors as I pass.
Tiberius.
Echo.
Finally, I reach his, and my hand hovers over the handle. "Is the IV really necessary? I feel fine." My voice sounded alien, had many times could my throat be crushed before I would no longer sound the same?
Adriam checks the bag with a frown, "We're unpracticed in what a lycan body requires to stay healthy, there are so few of us. In the few hours you've been awake, you seem to be gaining stamina, such is the spell that created us. I'd like you to stay hooked up, if you need medicine, this is the fastest way to get it to you. Besides, I've scheduled you for more testing this afternoon."
Opening the door for me, he directs me inside. "Take your time. I've got rounds to make, Victor is playing with Xaiver in the snow if you're worried about him."
Snow?
I drift my attention to the white outside the window, a small dusting, hardly snow. But it would be plenty for a barely two-year-old boy to frolic in. Nodding, I close the door behind me and move to sit in the chair beside the bed, still warm, I inhale slowly and smirk when I realize Tomas had just been here. He must have heard me coming.
Placing my hands in my lap, I take him in, there was no need to be intubated as he was breathing fine on his own though he was hooked up to various monitors and tubes. The steady beep was almost distracting, I reach up to turn the volume down on the machine with a sigh. Tomas had left the TV on, a funny sitcom about a married couple, it would be something I could see the Irish man enjoying.
"It's weird, being on this side of things," I tell him softly, clearing my throat, and testing my voice. I almost feel awkward in front of him, "Not often am I the one waiting for you to come around." Though it had been happening more and more. We'd known for a long time my warlord was on the end of his rope, turning him into the vessel of Fenrir was the last thing I'd imagined we'd end up with.
"I just woke up today, I didn't think I'd be first, but I guess I already said that." Leaned back into my chair, I fiddle with the pull string on my pants.
The stillness of the room nearly makes me crack a smile, so much silence beyond the murmur of the TV and the beeping of the machine, a peaceful ticking of a clock in the background. It suited him, a quiet sanctuary of monotonous noise that tuned itself out. "I'm fine, if that's what you're waiting for. I didn't lose my leg, my collarbone has a plate in it but Tomas says that's quite cool."
Surely, at any moment, he would wake up. But he doesn't.
Even in this state of suspension, this comatose sleep, he doesn't look restful. The corner of his mouth ever so slightly turned down, the slight tension in his eyebrows. Carefully, I lean forward, tracing my fingers through his hair just to feel the texture of it once more. "You know, I feel so selfish coming in here, rousting you like this. I guess I was hoping you'd jump out of this bed and everything would be back to normal, but it seems we still have a ways to go."
Tousling his hair wafts the delicious scent to my nose, I slip my fingers into his, bringing his knuckles up to my lips. My hand, so slim in his, as I hold the back of it to my cheek. Listening to the thrum of his heart, never changing and so consistent, I shut my eyes and enjoy the warmth of his skin on mine.
"Randy. I really need you right now." Exhaling through my teeth, I bow my head as I clutch his hand tightly. "Something bad happened and I don't know what to do." The pain rings deep in my hushed tone, crossing my jaw I fight with my own emotions because I'm not sure how I'm supposed to feel. "I was... possibly.. somehow-"
Laughing nervously, I shake my head. It sounds ridiculous coming out of my mouth. "I need you to roll your eyes at me, baby. I need you to tell me what to do because I can't make a decision like this on my own. It feels so selfish to want this as a man, to pretend like anything about this situation is normal when the path is so obviously before me. Gods Randy, I want this so badly." Sinking my teeth into my lower lip, I press my lips to his hand once more, willing him to respond in any way.
"Have I just gone mad? Crazy with desire for anything and everything I can't have? I have you, a life, a family, how could I possibly want anymore?" Rolling the ring on his ring finger, I track the scars over his bare chest with my free hand. "What if you don't want me anymore after what I've done?"
With a true laugh, I shake my head, my fingers pausing on the chunk of chain that'd been placed around his neck in a crude necklace. The links bruising the skin with their bewitched powers, I can only imagine it was extra insurance. It singed my skin just to touch it, how fair was this?
"I slept with your past self, I couldn't control myself. There's obviously more, so much more, but you're going to have to wake up if you want me to tell you as I don't think my heart could bare to utter it twice."
Could he judge me? Was it fair to? He'd cheated on me with Anuetta. He'd kissed Marisol, and admitted that if he'd felt anything for her he would have taken her, he'd practically given me permission to have my way with the past version of himself it meant changing history in our favor.
But allowing, and succeeding, seemed to be two different things. I was bound to him, in all versions, to hold back from a sexually charged youth in my own state had been an act of gods will on its own.
Yet. To sleep with the man, while my husband was possessed? Could that be forgiven? While my son was missing? While our lives were hanging in the balance?
Tracing the backs of my fingers over his cheekbone, I shudder at the vision of Victor drowning him. What if he were too far gone? What if he didn't want to come back to the surface? "Can you ever forgive me for all the sins I've committed? Can you forgive me for drowning you, for making Victor drown you? It was cruel to use your worst fears against you, but Randy, was else was I supposed to do?"
Envisioning his sarcasm, I yank my IV out of my arm, flinching at the rush of blood that slips down my inner elbow. His heart rate spikes, and I hesitate at the implications of such a response. Was he stimulated by the scent of my blood? Was he worried about me?
Fenrir had said he was hungry. What if we'd managed to freeze the wrong person? What if Fenrir was just biding his time? My wolf stands at attention, curious as I was, we'd been away from him for nearing on three weeks considering the time before my loss of consciousness. To have him so close, my inner self was dying to be close to him, to have his approval, and to be reassured that our acts were forgiven.
Bringing my wrist up to my lips, I sink my teeth into the vein at the junction there, feeling the rush of blood flood my mouth before I extend my hand, offering it to him. I note the quiet inhale, shuddering at the blood freely drips onto his chest. I had my own demons, it was destroying me to see any blood splatter on him after what I'd witnessed.
My hand trembles as I close my fingers to my palm, feeling faint, overwhelmed by the vision of the massacre in the front yard that night. Blood. So much blood. Caspian's throat being cut. Tiberius, dismembered.
His hand grips my forearm and I startle, jumping in terror at the sudden movement. Wild-eyed, I watch him as the icy blue eyes stare at me in offense. But they were blue, by the gods they were blue. With each gasped breath, I revel in the realization that those blue eyes meant my warlord was in there, that we had succeeded in some compacity of restoring him. I realize that I'm trembling, horrified all at the same time, for I'd once more seen him decimate all before him and it brought me screaming back to that night my family died by his hand.
Bringing my wrist to his mouth, he brushes his tongue over the bite in one quick pass, sealing the wound. I feel myself physically relax, exhaling, appreciating any sort of positive contact as my body betrayed me with it's trembling. "Are you afraid of me?" his voice is rough, from lack of use.
"Yes." I breathe, and it comes out before I could stop it. "But only of your reactions when you find out what a shitty husband I am. Only of what might become of you after what I've done to you. Only of the power, you hold over me, that you hold my life in your hands."
His off-hand is fast, clutching my throat, yet so soft in the way his fingers nearly caress the skin instead of gripping and bruising the skin. As his lips part, I see the prominent canines, nearly resembling a vampire in their size. In a quick move, his hand slides up to cup my cheek, brushing his thumb over my cheekbone.
"When I smelt your blood, I thought-" Pursing his lips, Verando looks conflicted, "Perhaps you'd chosen to take our lives. That you'd rather not live with me in this way after what I'd done. I wanted to see you one last time if that was what you'd chosen. I couldn't live with myself if I didn't see you, even if it was only hatred that you could gaze upon me with."
Shaking my head, I place my hand over his, "I couldn't hate you. None of this was your fault. I sealed Fenrir to you and I'm so sorry."
"I nearly killed us all." His voice is hardly above a whisper. The pain in his eyes, it was as if I was drowning him all over again.
Clutching his hand, I slide it down, placing it over my throat and forcing his fingers to tighten. "This life belongs to you and you could take it if you so chose, I trust you, you did everything you could to protect us. We all know that you would have died before hurting any of us. You did what you had to do to protect Xaiver, you knew that we couldn't defeat you with a god using your body. That is not your fault."
Releasing me with a sharp retract of his hand, I stop him, placing his palm over my pounding heart.
"I deserved that torment, I was weak to beg you to stop. I should of.. let you.. kept going. You should have found a way to detach from me and eliminate me instead of leaving me here like a ticking time bomb. I tried-" Frowning, he shuts his eyes and I quickly reach to stroke the side of his face, forcing him to come back to me. "I intended to remain in that state. To grow dormant, to protect you, yet I'm weak. I broke so easily, knowing you were so close to me."
It takes everything in me not to slap him, not to retaliate, my wolf snarls and I hear the low growl rumbling in my chest. "Don't you ever take yourself away from me. You don't get to make decisions like that, understand? This-" I press my hand firmly to his chest, "All of this belongs to me, just as I belong to you, you can't lock yourself away. I wouldn't have let you, you knew better and you gave up quickly." Determined, I reel in the beast inside as I fight to remain coherent knowing he'd intended to allow me to live my life without him.
"It's true." Defeated, he exhales heavily, flinching as he carefully adjusts himself into a slightly more upright position. "You're more stubborn than I ever give you credit for, it was a futile attempt to take the coward's way out but I had to try. I'd hope.. if you truly did fear me.. you wouldn't visit and then I would know. Unfortunately, you're just as taken by this infatuation as I am. Foolish to think you'd not come here."
"Good, you're finally realizing that I love you and that's never going to change. Our children need you, as much as I need you." With a sharp inhale, I enlace my fingers in his once more. "Randy..."
It's a plea, hoping beyond hope that he would tell me he still loved me, that he was still the man I was so desperately in love with. Extending a hand to me, I climb into his bed, shoving the wires out of the way as I throw my arms around his neck and hug him as tightly as I dare. He wraps his arms around me tightly, warm, strong, and possessive. I bury my nose into his neck, taking in his scent, marveling at the feel of him.
The monitors chirp widely, I sigh as I force him to straighten his arm so that his IV wouldn't be compromised. "I'm not ready to share you yet," I whisper, brushing my nose against his as he curses at the machines.
"I love you," he tells me firmly, searching for my lips, yet I stop him. Placing my hand over his mouth, I couldn't allow myself the reward without first assuring myself that he knew what I'd done. Conflicted, I see the concern in his eyes as I press my forehead to his.
"Randy. Did you hear me before you woke up?"
"Barely. Why?" He searches my eyes, so full of concern as if my love for him came with a consequence. Little did he know it did, I was human and flawed.
"I slept with the past version of you. I.. on two occasions. One was only partly.. but the night I went back in time, the night you finally came for us, I slept with him before the full moon. The connection between you and I is so strong, that being in that situation with him and with the intensity we were both feeling-"
His expression was uncertain as he leans back into the bed to put some space between us. "I was missing." he reminds me. "Our son was missing."
"Randy, it wasn't something that was planned. The intensity of everything- it just happened."
I feel him receding, hiding from me, he'd not been put in this position before and he wasn't sure how to handle it. "Did you do it to get revenge? Are you still upset with me for Anuetta?"
Flinching, I sit up, putting distance between us. "Please don't think that, I know you're hurt, I know this is a lot and it's fucked up but I didn't do this as some ploy to get even for something you did centuries ago. I got to fall in love with you all over again and... all the events that happened before that just came to a head in that cage."
Touching his cheek, he catches my hand, preventing me from touching him.
"Verando, I love you more than the air I breathe. I'm telling you, I'm sorry I allowed it to happen but I truly feel like it was out of my control."
Scoffing, he meets my gaze, appalled. "Did I receive that grace when I kissed Marisol?"
"Marisol wasn't you from the past," I respond quickly, irritated.
"You left me for nearly a year. I died a thousand deaths, longing for you. What you felt in that cage, is what I feel every moment we were together when you were human and you left me. I-" Tense, he presses his palm to his forehead with a wince as Adriam enters the room.
"Alright, alright, that's enough quarreling before you put him back into a coma."
Stunned, Verando stares at the french man who pauses, halfway to bed with an almost shy smile.
"Hey, Randy."
"Adam?"
I slip out of the bed to give the man space to hug Verando, wrapping my arms around myself. Perhaps this would atone, though it seemed it was the lack of understanding... perhaps my lack of apology.. that really upset him. I hadn't taken much time to acknowledge the difficulty of being in a relationship with a human, the pain I put him through loving me, and quarreling with lycan emotions while I attempted to figure myself out.
Of course, he'd done plenty of wrong. But, now that I'd felt what it was like to love someone as unstable as a human, I imagine he was hoping for validation or deeper forgiveness. Perhaps, I truly had just wounded him with my ability to fornicate while he was missing, while our son was missing, and for that sin, I couldn't forgive myself either.
No. That was the true reason for his pain.
My ability to function without him, even with another version of him, deemed him replaceable for that's exactly how I would have felt about it. Any version of him would do, when the truth was, there was no man like the one before me. That was his pain, and for that, I would have to atone.