November, 18th, 1983
Mint Rock Hotel, Somewhere in L.A
2:33 a.m
James led me back to the hotel, as I groaned for my bed and held onto him as if I were to fall into a void if I let go. We turned into a hall, one of many before, the entire hotel felt like a maze that only got longer and longer. Suddenly, I froze, my eyes beholding the sight of him. Him, the man I grew to love and adore and knew more well than my own self. Kirk. Kirk kissing a neck of a girl, some blonde with big tits and a beautiful smile.
"Shit..." James whispered from next to me, tightening his grip.
"Go to the room," I muttered.
"But.." He protested, but I cut him off.
"Go. Now," And with that he did, and Kirk didn't move an eye from the girl as James walked past him and down the hall, staring him down and closing his hand into a fist. After a few shaky breaths, I mustered up the courage and walked towards him, everything empty in my mind but the thought of him. I stopped behind the girl, and as his eyes shot back and finally noticed me, the flirty smiled he held instantly dropped as his face went pale.
"Angie, I think you best be going home," He said, pushing her down the hall rather aggressively as she cursed him out. As soon as the echo of her heeled footsteps faded, he turned to me. I stood there mouth agape, tears spilling from my eyes, yet no sound of tremble or croak came from my throat. Sad silence. I looked at him, watching his thoughts spiral as he thought of something, anything to say, to excuse it, to get me to forgive him.
"She... she meant nothing to me." He stuttered, his face turning red. He looked at me, holding my face, brown eyes glazing, dark, romantic, hopeful.
"Don't give me those eyes," I looked away, at the ground, my hands, his hands on my cheeks, back down to the floor. " 'Cause you know me and I can't say "no" to you when you look at me like that."
"Astra, baby, sweetheart, my love, please listen to me. It was a mistake... an accident." He pleaded, wiping tears from my face with his thumbs. "This wasn't meant to happen."
"This was never meant to happen. Me and you. From the beginning, we were never supposed to happen. This was supposed to be professional, but for a second, a blink of an eye, I thought that maybe..." She stopped, closing her eyes and letting out a quiet sob. "This big disaster of an evening was never meant to happen, and I wish I could rewind the tour and forget all the things that you had said. Except I can't."
I stood there in the hall, staring at the man I loved oh so dearly, as if he'd shoved a knife right through my heart.
"Sweetheart, this was never going to work..." Kirk looked at me as if I were insane, out of my mind and acting like a ridiculous person who had let the shots go to her head. His dress shirt was crinkled from where Angie had been holding it earlier, hair ruffled and face a tense picture of remorse and disappointment.
"Of course, I thought this could work, Kirk." The shots I drowned in earlier had been long forgotten, and so had seeing him at the club. "You think I would have gotten into bed with you if I thought it wouldn't?"
Kirk ducked his head down, trying to hide his gaze from me as I let my hands rest on my hips. He knew it could work. He knew I meant something to him, and he knew he deserved some slice of happiness and peace, especially the happiness he felt when he was with me.
But once again, ever the self-sacrificing man, Kirk denied his own feelings. And that killed me. It angered me and drove me insane and made me want to rip my heart out of my chest to show him just how much I loved him. Well, that might be a bit dramatic, but I was desperate on this cool night.
"Tell me then, Kirk, what you thought "this" was? What does all these nights together, and mornings waking up beside each other and time spent on stage together mean to you?" With bated breath I waited, watching as the man slumped down onto the floor and held his head in his hands.
"It...it was a nice dream. It was a nice unattainable dream, and I'm sorry I dragged you through it." His words came out in a whisper, and for a moment, I wanted to take him in my arms and let him cry into my shoulder, something that he'd resist at first but then surrender himself into my hold.
"Why are you doing this? If you're happy and I'm happy and everything is working between us, why are you acting as if this is the worst thing you could be a part of?"
"Because I can guarantee that you'll get hurt. And I love you too much to let you get hurt in any way." I go to argue, to open my mouth and let a flurry of words come out, but Kirk just shaked his head before turning to me. "I know how strong you are, and your bravery is unmatched to anyone I know. But I don't think I would survive another person I love being hurt because of me or myself." Kirk gets up then, and heads towards his door, grabbing his jacket and patting his pockets to make sure he has his keys and wallet.
"You told me you loved me, this morning. And all last week at the end of every night...and five hours ago. How could you tell me you love me then break my heart?" He was halfway in the door when I spoke, but he stopped when he listened to my words. And that's when I saw the shame kick in, when Kirk realised how much of a coward he was being. "You cooked me pasta after we spent the whole weekend together. We made plans for the Christmas holidays, we were going to tell the other after the tour, we were making a future, Kirk. What the fuck were you doing by leading me on? How the fuck do you explain all of these things if suddenly I mean nothing to you? WE WERE MAKING A FUTURE!"
He pulls back when I yell at him, not ready for the anger that came from my usually soft and quiet voice. And he hates that he's making me cry when suddenly he sees tears roll down my cheeks once more. It's as if this wave of emotion that I was showing shocks him out of his stupor, and he comes back into the hall, shuts the door quietly, and walks towards me.
"Darling, if I could spend the rest of my life with you, I would—."
"But you've decided that you're better off without me. I get it. You know what? I don't think I care anymore." The both of us knew that I was lying, right through my teeth, but I also knew that Kirk didn't have the gall to call you out on it. "Look, sure, obviously I'm not good enough for you and that's fine. I just wish you didn't make me believe in something that could never have been...you really are a selfish man, Kirk Hammett."
He felt like he's been kicked in the gut then, because he knows he's a selfish man. But no one has ever told him that he is selfish. James never went that far, although Kirk knew that he deserved it. Instead, he's standing in the hotel halls, watching me cry as I try to piece together what went wrong, when the only answer is Kirk. Kirk made everything worse, he ruined something perfect once again.
And that's when he leaves, walks just close enough to place a kiss to my forehead and squeeze my hand as I sobbed, a somewhat apology for what he's done, and he opens the door once again.
"I do love you. And I'll love you for the rest of my life and I'll say sorry over and over again if that would make this any better. But I have to do this, darling. To protect you. I'm sorry."
Kirk walks out of the hall then, a look of sorrow clear in his eyes, and I wait until he's gone to collapse onto the floor and sob into my knees. He cried too, when he got into his room. Because he knows he's just ruined the best thing in his life right now. And he can't blame it on anyone but himself.
And so the both of us cry, alone and broken and in so much pain it feels like my heart is being crushed inside my chest. But I get up, into my room just across from his, and clear away everything that reminds you of him, and in his room, Kirk locks himself in the bathroom and splashes cold water on his face.
He's changed everything, and it's too late to go back and fix it.
Nineteen eighty-three and the world was already ending. Or maybe, it was just beginning. Perhaps it's the exact same thing...