***Again, DO NOT READ if you don't want to know anything from the book. This may hint at a spoiler***
**TW: Suicide Attempt/Depression**
The moonlight was bright this night. So, so bright. Macau wondered if it was always like that. Maybe he just never noticed.
He had a hard time focusing lately, so it didn't surprise him that he hadn't thought of it before.
College was hard. Harder than he expected. He took his anti-depressants everyday, yet a lingering feeling just wouldn't go away.
He tried, really. He got help when Vegas was in a coma. He followed the doctor's orders and did what he was supposed to.
When Vegas woke up, Macau finally let out a sigh of relief. But for some reason, it didn't stop there.
Macau's whole life he felt inferior. He felt like he wasn't deserving of love from anyone, much less his father. Gun's death should've been a good thing to him. It should've given him a sense of happiness. But it didn't.
Gun's words and actions haunted him when he slept. He had nightmares that told him he would never be good enough, and that it wouldn't matter if he were dead or alive.
Sure, Macau had been told countless times that this wasn't true. But what did his therapist know? She didn't know him. No one truly did.
Alive or dead. Would it really matter?
His new little family was happy. He was happy with Vegas and Pete. They made him feel like everything would be okay.
But in the depths of his mind, Macau had no purpose. No dreams or goals to hang onto. No close friends that he could talk to or count on. No one would understand.
He was numb. He thought it was the medication. He had stopped taking it a week ago, but nothing changed.
Maybe he should've asked for a bigger dose. But would it make a difference?
What kind of life was he living when medication was his only way to be normal? He didn't want that kind of life.
He felt like a guinea pig, trying different pills to see which one would work. None of them did.
Before he knew it, he was just going with the motions. Not really having an interest in anything and not understanding why.
School was draining him. He didn't even like it. He just went to please his brother.
He would do anything for Vegas. But living? It was too much. Too much back and forth and nothing in between to help him breath.
"I am nothing." He whispered into the air on the rooftop of the hospital.
Vegas and Pete were out of the house, and Macau thought maybe he could get help here. But when he walked into the lobby, he changed his mind. Seeing all the sick and dying people with their loved ones made him feel empty. Why did he have to live happy and physically healthy while they suffered?
Life wasn't fair. It was harsh and relentless. He didn't want to face it anymore.
One foot, then the other slowly stepped onto the ledge. How easy it was for him to get here. No one batted an eye when he made his way to the roof. No one questioned him or his reasons. He was invisible, just as he had always been.
Vegas would be fine, he thought. He had Pete. They had each other.
Macau had no one, or at least that's how he felt.
He left them a letter. A short and sweet, "I'm sorry. It was no one's fault." He left it on the kitchen table for them to find when they got home. He turned his phone off, so that they wouldn't try to stop him if they found it first.
They would be fine without him. They'd mourn, and they'd have one another to comfort.
He lifted one foot in to the air and took a deep breath. He wasn't afraid of death. Not anymore. Not if it meant the would finally be free of the constant battles in his mind.
He slowly leaned forward and expected gravity to do it's job. That was the goal. To fall and end it all quickly.
But what happened next was something he never imagined.
"Stop!"
A force had pulled him back by the waist. Not hard, but strong enough to yank him off the ledge and roll onto the concrete.
Macau groaned and looked over to find a young boy on the ground with him. The one who had stopped him was a stranger.
"Alai wa?" Macau let his head fall back in defeat. He wasn't quick enough to go through with his plan.
"You..." The boy breathed harshly. "What were you thinking?!"
Chay often came to this rooftop to clear his head. It was somewhere no one would find him. Not Kim or Porsche or anyone. Where he could just sit and think and watch the stars. Never did he expect to see someone about to jump to their death. He acted first and ran to the stranger, not thinking about anything else.
"Nosy!" Macau puffed. He was pissed! Nothing ever went his way. Not his father's love, his never ending depression, and now his failed attempt at suicide.
Chay sat up and cried, stunning Macau. "Don't you have family? Think of others before yourself for once! Think of what this would do to them!"
Macau scoffed, letting his own tears fall from the corners of his eyes down to his hairline. "You don't know anything about me!" He quickly got up and dusted himself off. "Go back, leave me alone."
"No."
"No? Who do you think you are to stop me?"
"Fine." Chay stood up and motioned to the ledge. "Go ahead. I'm no one. Who am I to stop you? I can't do anything right, so don't listen to me!" Chay was so tired. He had gone to the roof to release some pent up emotions and now this? He was an emotional wreck over a stranger.
But now Macau couldn't.
Seeing someone in pain was maybe all he needed to let go himself. So he stood there and cried with Chay, not fully understanding where these tears have been for months and years. The ones that didn't even seem to exist when he was seconds away from falling.
"Why are you crying? You were so confident a second ago!"
"Well why are you crying? I don't even know who you are."
"Can't I feel sorry for someone?"
Sorry? This boy felt sorry for Macau? He didn't even know him. It made them both weep, with the moonlight glistening from their tear stained cheeks.
The two sat on the edge of the roof, dangling their legs and watching the cars and people below them. Their cries had died down and now they could simply breath.
"I'm Macau."
"I'm Chay."
"Would you be mad if I jumped now?" Macau leaned forward ever so slightly to look at the sidewalk he would've landed on.
Chay quickly reached his arm across Macau's chest to stop him from going further. "Mmm. You made me cry, now you have to take responsibility."
"For what?" Macau was bewildered. What on earth was Chay even saying?
"For making me sad. You can't do anything until I smile again."
"Smile? That's it?" Macau looked down at Chays arm that was still on his chest, following it up to his shoulder. "Are you ticklish?"
Chay looked at where Macau was gazing and he nudged Macau's shoulder before holding his arms close to his sides. "Buffalo. Not like that."
Macau let out a small laugh.
"You're laughing at me? I'm serious."
"What do you want? Ice cream or something?"
"More like a plane ticket. To anywhere but here."
Macau thought that was a funny request. But Chay was on the rooftop for a reason, so he must've not been in a good place mentally either. "You want to run away?"
Run away. Chay never said it out loud, but boy did it sound nice. To get away from all of his worries and fears. All of his failures and problems. "Why not?"
"I can arrange that."
Chay looked at Macau with wide eyes. "Really?"
"Mmm. Tell me when and where to."
"Paris. No. Wait. South Korea. Wait. Oh! What about Japan?"
Macau watched as Chay's eyes lit up just thinking of the different places he could go. It was amusing. How a simple thing such as traveling could make someone so happy.
Then Chay smiled.
Before Macau could think about it, Chay was covering his mouth. "I didn't..."
"It's fine. I'll wait."
Macau made it home before Vegas and Pete that night. He took the note he wrote and wadded it up, throwing it in the trash.
Chay made it to the airport early that weekend. With his luggage rolling behind him, he quickly found Macau and made his way over. He tried his best not to smile.
"Here." Macau handed Chay a ticket and Chay pursed his lips so he wouldn't let out a squeal of excitement. "Happy now?"
Chay cleared his throat and straightened his face. "Mmm. I am."
"No smile? Isn't this what you wanted?"
"Nice try. Looks like you'll have to wait til I get back to see if the trip was worthwhile." Chay raised his eyebrows, challenging the other.
"Oiiii. So greedy." Macau chuckled.
"I'll let you know when I get back. We can hang out sometime." Chay was hopeful. He had grown a bit fond of the one he saved. He hoped that Macau would wait for him at least. Or just not go through with anything at all.
"Mmm."
They waved goodbye and Chay made his way through the security check, looking back once more to take a mental picture. He surely wouldn't forget Macau.
As Chay found his seat next to the window, he let his head fall back on the seat. Maybe he didn't want to go just yet. Maybe he wanted to know more about Macau. He checked his messages, but no new ones from his new friend.
A strange feeling washed over him.
A feeling that he didn't want to let go of. The unknown scared him. If he could stay, he would.
Chay stood up abruptly, hitting his head on the fans above him and he winced, only to open his eyes and find the person he was thinking of.
Macau stood in front of him, with a ticket in hand and a small grin on his face. "Going somewhere?"
"Macau..."
"I hear Tokyo is pretty this time of year. My brother thought I could use a break, too."
The two sat side by side as the plane took off. Chay smiled out the window, excited for the new adventure but not wanting Macau to see. Macau pretended he didn't see Chay's smile. Not that it would make a difference. He made up his mind. He wanted to feel again.
As the plane set its course in the sky, both of the boys were letting go. Of everything that made them sad, and depressed and anxious. They let go to make room for new feelings and memories.