It's twenty minutes later, and well, let's just say I'm not waiting by the target balls alone. Bolley has parked his ass ontop a ball, kicking his legs and eating a bag of takieies, "Is Matt done yet? It's been 20 minutes already".
"Just wait" I growl. Yeah, I kinda wish this was just a me and Matt thing but Bolley literally fucking insisted on coming along so here we are. Also, we have to pick up Nick on the way. Can't do shit alone these days.
Bolley shakes his takeie packet and offers me some, but I just slap it away, "Fuck off those are disgusting".
"Don't say I didn't offer then!" he growls at me, rolling the packet up and stuffing it into the pocket of his hoodie.
"I didn't say that, fuck off" I snap back at him. Lucky, at this point Matt has just come strolling out of Target, holding a can of A&W... he means fucking business.
Matt pops the can open, takes a massive gulp, wipes his mouth and then swiftly pulls the keys from his pocket, "Let's fucking do this shit".
Bolley slips down from the ball as Matt begins to walk off, and I follow after them, my short legs not being able to walk as fast as they can 🥺, "Guys wait up!".
Matt slows down and looks at me kinda guilty, "Sorry Yolz" he says and then he realised he called me that and bows his head. But I just smile, "It's okay".
Bolley blinks at us both. He can also clearly sense there's something fishy in the air. A rekindled spark, if you will. I blush, "So um... Bolley you sure you're okay leaving your car here for a few hours?".
My curly-haired , brunette, brown eyed, white boy, gay friend shrugs, "This is America. I will either came back to a car or I won't. Doesn't matter".
"Oh, okay" I simply respond. Soon, we reach Matt's minivan and I go to sit in the back but he looks at me with hopeful eyes and I sit in the passenger seat instead. We make Bolley sit in the back. He will get to sit next to Nick so I better not hear a complaint.
Matt starts up the engine and I watch awkwardly as he adjusts the mirror. I can't believe I'm sitting in Matt's car right now. Did not have that on my bingo for today. Absolutely wild shit huh?
I hear Bolley's seatbelt clicking in before he starts talking because this fucker can never stop talking, "This must be hella awkward for you two. Being exes and all".
This motherfucker. Me and Matt look anywhere but at each other. I know he's feeling the same feeling of embarrassment feeling that I am feeling. "Bolley..." I warn, looking back at him with a glare.
Bolley just shrugs, smirking because he knows he's just made shit awkward, and he's clearly proud of himself. If he doesn't watch his neck, Nick is going to find out something interesting.
Matt clears his throat and takes out his phone, swiping away at it, "Right. So it turns out Chris and Skye's little date will be to Carls Jr". He just completely diffused the awkwardness. I take a sigh of relief coz thank fuck.
"How do you know?" I ask him, looking back to the front. I try to see what Matt's doing on his phone. I'm pretty sure he's looking at that find my iPhone app. He must have Chris linked up to it. Ha, Chris you fucking idiot.
Matt shows me his screen and confirms he's in fact using that app, and Chris's iPhone is located near a Carls Jr location. Oh he is going the fuck down. Carls Jr more like Carls Snr because you're going to be catching these fucking advanced fists.
"Nice" I snicker while Bolley in the back is literally crunching on a snickers. I squint my eyes back to him, "Where the fuck did you get that and why is it squashed?".
He shrugged, "Found it under the seat".
"That's probably been there for months, heaps of weird shit has fallen down those seats" Matt tells him before beginning to drive. Come to think of it, what the fuck even is Matt's plan?
"Hey Matthew, what's the plan?" I ask him, opening the glove box. What? He's my ex boyfriend, I'm allowed to be nosy n shit. My stomach rumble-grumbles as it catches sight of a bunch of orange packaging. This fuck has a Reese's stash and yes I'm helping myself.
Matt seems unphased by me chomping down on a block of Reese's, "Well, we're going to stop at the CVS over there and get some pills".
Both me and Bolley stop eating and whip our heads to face Matt, deep and grave concern painted on our faces. I knew Matt had violent tendencies but making a bitch overdose? Is he mentally stable? , "Um Matt, what do you mean by that?".
"Laxatives, dumbass" he tells me, rolling his eyes. Woah okay, I didn't ask for the Mattitude. "I'm not killing anyone, I'm just going to make sure this Skye bitch shits so hard their date is completely ruined".
Me and Bolley nod slowly while letting out a collective, "Ohhh". I knew Matthew didn't have a sinister bone in his body, what did I tell you? 🤗
Anyways, Matt then makes the sharpest turn fucking ever into the parking lot of a CVS and slams his breaks. He then pulls the keys out, "Let's go".
"I'll stay in the car" Bolley chimes in, clearly snapping back and forth with Nicolas. I roll my eyes.
Matt and I then begin to walk off into CVS and wow this feels so strange. If you told me last night I'd be walking into a CVS store with Matthew Bernard Sturniolo to buy laxatives I'd tell you you're LYING!
Once we reach the pill aisle, we both begin scanning through the boxes. "We need the quickest option. One that's going to cause some motherfuckin explosively loud diarrhoea" Matt says as he looks through all the tiny boxes.
I help him look, and then I find a little pink box of powder satchels that promises a stool relief in about 20-30 minutes. I show this to him, and he smiles an approving smile. Skye, get ready to shit like a machine.
We're walking to the checkout, my hand clasped around our victims pills when he makes a little detour. Where the hell is he going? I awkwardly stand in my spot near the conveyer belt, the annoyed worker staring me down.
Matt then reappears a few moments later and oh my god, he's holding on to a huge purple blob which I know almost instantly is a squishamallow, "I owe you one of these".
I can't help but break out into a massive grin as he hands me the octopus squishmallow. Like yeah, I know we are not dating but this is the most romantic thing ever. This is what it looks like:
I'm telling Matt thank you over and over again as he places the octopus on the conveyer belt, the laxatives right next to its butthole, haha ironic.
"Yolly, I promise not to stab it this time" he tells me with a sneaky, goofy grin as we're walking out of CVS, me clutching onto my octopus and him swinging the tiny bag containing the constapation tablets.
I giggle, "You better not".
Matt lifts his arms in the air defensively, laughing along with me, "After getting yelled at by my mom last time I stabbed a squishmallow open, there's no way I'm doing it again".
I smile, cheers Matt's mum. I quickly realise I don't even know his parents names, but I'm pretty sure they're called Margaret and Johnny.
As we're approaching the car, I smile over at Matt, who was already looking at me, "So that was the family secret huh? That you're violent towards Squishmallows?".
Matt scoffs, "Yeah, but to be honest there never was a family secret. We tell everyone we meet that we have a secret to test who's goated and who's not. You stuck around, so thanks for that".
I blink over and over. Like yeah, I know I haven't mentioned the family secret in like fucking centuries but like... It's really that anti climatic? That there's no family secret?, "Are you serious?".
"Deadly" he smiles at me. Right then. I'm sorry for all of you disappointed about this shock confession. I've always secretly thought he was a vampire, to be quite honest. Like, you seen how pale this fuckers skin is?
^^You can't tell me he hasn't drinken blood before. I think I might throw some garlic at him and see what happens, because I still have a sneaking suspicion.
Anyways, soon enough we are back in the car and we're on our way to picking up Nicolas Antonio Sturniolo. I don't know why I just full-named him but honestly it's for the word count.
"So, Bolley..." Matt begins and I whip my head in shock because this is very kind strange. I swear these two have never interacted but correct me if I'm wrong.
"Yeah?" Bolley asks, plopping his phone down and looking toward Matt. No, I don't have my neck churned looking at Bolley, I'm looking through the mirror because looking back in a car? That shit hurts.
Matt smirks at me before glancing back at Bolley in the tiny car window thing, "What is going on between you and my brother?".
I suck back a laugh and look back at Bolley, who is bright red in the face. Ha, suck on that you fucking clown. What did he expect? Run your mouth off and you're going to get run back.
"Umm... I'm sorry but I don't know what you mean" Bolley responds. Is this fucker seriously about to gaslight Matthew? Matt is the king of gaslighting. You can't gaslight the gashlighter. He didn't wear this shirt for no reason.
Matt shakes his head, and his hair looks so good when he does this. It just moves as he does and it looks so fluffy and bouncy and adorable and... I need to fucking stop. I'm not about to FALL for Matt all over again. It's not happening.
"Oh come on, I hear you guys talking like every night. And you're legit talking right now, I can hear his voice coming from the back seat" Matt points out. Isn't Nick always being heard from the backseat though?
I nod, "Yeah, I also hear you guys talking dumbass".
Bolley immediately slams his phone down and slides it under his butt cheek, "We are just friends". Yeah, that's what I said about me and Chris. And we all know how that ended. In heartbreak and tragedy.
Matt then continues to pry at Bolley for the rest of the five minutes driving to pick Nick up, but the boy doesn't budge once and continues to deny any feelings he may have for Tickly Nickely. Whatever.
Anyways, we've just arrived. Let's bring Nick in shall we? It's been a hot minute since we've seen each other, and we all know he is a fan favourite.
"Motherfuckers!" Nick greets us. He is wearing a t-shirt with what I think is baby Tr*mp hugging a horse on it. What the actual fuck. I guess it's funny though.
"Hi Nick!" Bolley grins, and yes he is blushing BollNick shippers, if you really needed to know. Like seriously, he doesn't make it not obvious. Matt also says hey to his brother and I just wave.
Nick then buckles up and gets strapped in and then we're on our way again, and I'm sorry but we need to hurry up because nobody's at Carls Jr for this long.
"Matt, nobody is at carls jr for this long" I tell him, speaking my thoughts aloud, "We have to hurry the fuck up".
"Chill, it's only like down the road" Matt responds. Ugh whatever. I better get one of them carls ice cream sandwiches as compensation for this traumatic experience that I'm about to endure.
"So we are ruining Chris's date? Cool, I like that" Nick chimes in. Off topic, but I'm pretty sure Bolley is playing Angry Birds. Of course he plays fucking angry birds. Ever just look at a cunt and know they still play angry birds in 2022?
"Damn right" I respond, which Matt follows by catching Nick up with our plan, which Nick seems to be a big fan of. See, a car full of geniuses. Except Bolley, he's just there. No offence.
Soon enough, we arrive at the Carls Jr establishment. The finest, highest rated one in the entirety of the United States of America. And wouldn't you know it, I can see Chris and Skye through the window on the top floor. No burgers are infront of them. We have time.
All four of us hop out the car and Matt is straight to work, "Hold my shit" he says to Nick, passing over his phone and keys before taking off. Where is this fuck going?
Me and the gays watch in confusament as Matt walks up to the man in the star mascot suit at the front, says something to him and and then hands him a wad of cash. "What the fuck..." I whispers under my breath.
We then all watch as the star lifts his star off he is nearly butt naked under that thing), passes his costume to Matt and runs out of the parking lot, down the street and out of sight.
Matt then strolls back over to us, the costume stuffed in his arms. What the hell is this fucker planning? "Matt, what are you doing with that" I ask.
"You never sneak into places without a disguise" Matt says before slipping the costume over his head. I feel like I'm living a fever dream because Matt Sturbriolo aka my ex lover boy is dressed up as the Carls Jr mascot.
"How is it a disguise when your stupid fucking face is popping out?" Nick comments, rolling his eyes at Matt.
"We have the same face you fucking moron" Matt hisses back. Woah, okay what's not going to happen is a fight in the carls jr parking lot.
"Guys shut up, we can't draw attention to ourselves" I whisper-shout, slapping the foam of Matt's costume, "If we r gonna get this shit done we gonna get it done right so shut up and let's go fucking ruin these bitches lives. Can I get an amen?".
"Amen" Matt and Nick say in unison.
"Almond to that!" Bolley says. We all look at him and exhale the deepest sighs of our lives.