"So...how are you mentally on a scale of 1-10 after all of that?"
Leo seemed to freeze up when the question was asked. He hadn't expected Donnie to start up a conversation, especially now. But Leo shrugs, that stupid grin lacing his face, "Is ten the worst or is one? Because my answers are very different depending on the situation."
Donnie pretends to be annoyed, "Well, naturally ten is the worst, Nardo. Scoff!"
Leo then went quiet, thinking about it. Well, he's been out like a light ever since he collapsed onto the marina of Staten Island (ew). And the only things he remembers...well, he'd rather block those out. It was hard, though. The booming voice of the leader of the Kraang echoed in his mind, as if it continued to fester there.
Leo sighed, letting his guard down for a moment, "Probably...probably a 9.5. Just don't tell the others, alright? I don't want them stressing out over me, and you should stop doing that too."
Donnie looks away, as if guilty for a crime, "Maybe. If it helps, I'm not...doing the greatest either. I will not specify, but my ranking on the scale is close to yours."
"I don't think any of us are going to recover from this, Dee," A forced laugh is torn up from his throat, "We've- we've all been traumatized in one way or another. Physically, mentally, I don't know, all of the above? This- this shouldn't be normal." His voice starts to break as he finishes his sentence, eyes feeling hot with tears he wishes to not fall.
There was a beat of silence, and Leo would have been fooled into thinking Donnie left if he wasn't staring at him. Donnie looks like he was conjuring up the right thing to say, mouth opening and closing, without any words spilling out. Leo wipes the tears away, avoiding Donnie's gaze now.
"I'm sorry," Leo says, voice small. Pathetic, "It- it was all my fault- I'm the one who's ego got too god-damned big and messed up the most important mission of my life. I was the one that let the Kraang let free, I-"
"Stop."
Leo looks back at Donnie, his tears out of control as they roll down his face, pupils shrunken.
Donnie looked close to being like Leo, "Just...stop. Stop blaming yourself, just. Stop. We didn't know this was going to happen, we...just did what teenagers do. You did what 'normal people' our age are supposed to do- Leo, we're still children, " Donnie's hands curled into fists, his emotions shining through for what felt like the millionth time in a day, "Stop blaming yourself. Please."
Leo looked at Donnie, pupils shaking slightly as he took in his twin, the only fraction of a hair younger twin, in all his glory. He's never seen Donnie as vulnerable as this, he's come close, but this vulnerability hasn't been shown to Leo since they were tots. Leo lets out a sigh, not sure of what to say. He still blames himself wholeheartedly for this whole situation (and he won't tell anyone, but he thought he should have stayed in that prison dimension, to repay his sins by letting that evil roam free again, making sure it never did such a thing again), and frankly Donnie's small speech didn't help too much.
Leo's silence was all the answer Donnie needed, "Christ Leo, just...don't hold that grudge against yourself again, okay? And- and on missions if we go back to any, don't- don't put yourself in front of us. Being a leader doesn't mean you have to do any of that, I have read somewhere. Sad sigh... " He begrudgingly headed back to his recovery bed, trailing the IV with him. His left arm felt better at least.
"I promise."
Donnie looked back at the slider.
"I promise I won't do that."
Leo doesn't break his promises often. He's at least faithful to that. Donnie sits down on the bed, bringing his knees up to his plastron, resting his head on them. He rocks himself back and forth slightly, trying to keep the bubbling emotions at bay. He doesn't like them, he doesn't understand them. They scare him. He takes the breaths he taught himself when he was young, when this sensation first happened to him. He didn't know it wasn't classified as normal until he grew older, researching. For as long as Don could remember, he's been an outcast to his family. He just started using mystic magic only two years ago, when his brothers had started a year prior. He was the last one out of the whole family to use mystic powers, hell, even April was able to harness the magic in her baseball bat.
Donnie groans inwardly, not wanting to concern Leo anymore than he should. Leo needs recovery, rest. He doesn't. He knows that's that one part of his brain talking, saying that he needs to prove himself. Prove himself he's just as good as the others. But he's not, and maybe never will be. He's less athletic than them all, having relied on his tech more than anything to transport him places, he's just the smart guy. The smart guy is all he is, the tech support. His brothers adore his work, for sure, and he went heads over heels when Splinter said he was proud of him those same two years ago, but... it never filled the empty space in him.
He is, in fact, an outcast. Perhaps he's not the only one who feels like this in the family, Casey JR and April probably do tremendously. Maybe Leo, or Mikey. It's hard to think for Raph, his big brother, their leader for half of their childhood. Donnie hates to put all of this weight on Mikey, the youngest yet the personal therapist of the family, but...he just might have to. He hates it, he hates it he hates it he hates it-
A voice was muffled by the harsh static cutting though his brain. His knuckles hurt. Oh, he was rapping his knuckles against his head. He saw a flash of blue, panic running through him. Leo shouldn't be out of bed! What was he doing!?-
Leo was clinging to life onto the IV that was for him, mouth moving yet Donnie heard static. He faintly heard himself tell Leo to head back to the bed, but his voice was strained and barely over a whisper. A hand touched one of his, which helped in all honesty to ground him. He doesn't like how much he's been spacing out like this. Way more times than usual in 24 hours.
"-'m here, I'm here, you good hermano?" Leo's voice could finally be heard and Donnie almost fainted with relief. Donnie nodded, using one of his hands to tell Leo with the secret sign language that has been implanted into their brains since as long as he could remember, that he was okay now. Leo pats Donnie on the head gently, "That's good. Now if you excuse me, I have to drag myself back over to that comfy ass bed over there."
And that's precisely what Leo did. He probably opened up a few stitches along the way, if the small blood streaks on the floor weren't a dead give away, anyways. Donnie watched Leo the entire time, making sure nothing bad happened, like putting a joint out of place of the makeshift splint for Leo. Donnie sighed as he laid down after Leo got over, curling onto his side. He doesn't want to stay here. He needs to do his tech. He can't sleep forever (unless he dies).
His eyes widened at the thought. Why...why did his brain tell him that? He would never think of doing such a thing. Actually...he's a liar.
He tried doing it once after the Shredder.
Then he swore he'd never try again. It must be just due to the amount of trauma the Kraang and Shredder attacks were to his mental health, that's all. It'll...go away soon. Yet the thought lingers there, like a choice. He does hate his mind when it starts coming up with the ideas of how to do...it. He has to block the thoughts out. He started playing his "ear bleeding music" from his goggles, relaxing as he let his mind get lost in the world of the music. The music guides him, showing him the light, showing that he has so much to live for.
But does he?
He mentally swats the thought away. He has his brothers, he guesses, he has to live for them.
They wouldn't miss you.
That's not true, he retaliated. Goddammit brain, didn't you just see the tender moment me and Leo had?!
He was lying, putting his face man act up.
If he was, Donnie would notice. He continued to argue with himself over and over, sinking further and further into his shell as each thought kept coming. The fact is, most of the time, the dark thoughts were true. Why be the tech guy? He's just another fighter on the team now, and without him his brothers would do just fine. Casey didn't even talk about him at all when he literally asked (or Raph, but Raph didn't ask. Important difference).
Even in the future he was maybe a forgettable asset that Casey forgot as he got older. Raph probably was the savior of them all in that alternate universe, for all he knows.
He felt someone gently touch his arm, his eyes opening (he had no clue that they were closed) as he poked out of his shell. He pauses his music. It was Dad.
"Hello, Purple. I...I was somewhat informed about what happened at your lab today. I am sorry."
Donnie shrugged, "It's not your fault, mine purely, I suppose. Can you check on Leo? I think he's busted some stitches." Splinter nodded, giving Donnie another pat on the arm before heading over to the other bed. There was no doubt dad had a favorite, and that favorite was for sure Leo. It's probably why he made him leader. Honestly, Donnie was more offended than shocked. Like, come on, Dad is the only one to call him proud (Donnie ignores that fact Mikey is there sometimes, but it was technically for him).
But Leo did hold all qualities of an excellent leader, but he doesn't use them to his full potential. Donatello could see it, Dad could see, he's sure even Raph can see it. Leo was smiling in thanks as Dad fixed his stitches, the experience coming from many accidents on Lou Jitsu sets. Donnie lets himself zone out again, his music resuming.
あなた一人じゃありません
You are not alone.
Donnie smiles to himself as he repeated the phrase to himself, helping calm his rapid coming thoughts. He even did a few math equations in his head, the familiarity helping him. He didn't hear Dad leave, but he could feel it when he did. Donnie takes note of how relaxed he is, how his limbs have a dull ache in them, but it feels nice. Donnie hasn't been relaxed like this ever. Even after the Shredder incident, he was never truly at this peace.
He does a small happy wiggle, before continuing to indulge in himself with his dubstep music.